This just a post about the fashion porn at Cannes. The photos just came in from the big opening night premiere of Robin Hood, and evidently, every woman (save Dame Helen Mirren) thought the Cannes Film Festival was a cotillion. Big skirts. Big, big, massive skirts. And pageant hair. Ugh. Let’s start with the only one who looked effortless and chic, my Dame Helen. I would wear this dress in a heartbeat. Except that on me (or anyone else) it would look like a plain black dress (although there’s some detailing on the left neckline and shoulder). Look at Helen’s body in this thing. She’s crazy sexy.
Now, on to the cotillion. I have to give it to Cate Blanchett – if you’re going to do a big f-cking dress, why not do it this way? With a big f-cking eagle/hawk of doom imprinted on your couture. Do you think Cate saw this and was like “Fabulous. The bird of prey, please.” I’m thinking it’s Gaultier, but I could totally be wrong. It’s McQueen. I was wrong.
Next: Eva Longoria. WTF? I didn’t realize the Cannes red carpet was her wedding march. And just FYI to Eva: Charlize and Penelope can make the big tiered/ruffled skirts work, but you can’t. Plus, they were making it work three years ago. Not now.
Kate Beckinsale (who is on the Cannes jury) is trying to do the same Charlize/Penelope thing, and her failure is epic. Plus, the bodice goes on too far, so it makes it seem (to my allergy-drug-addled mind) like Kate has a big, lavender-haired vadge. That veers to the right. It’s so bad I almost missed my boyfriend Benecio del Toro in the corner of the photo. Mmm…he could check out my big lavender vadge. What?
Russell’s wife (I forget her name, Mrs. McAngryPants, whatever) looks over it. She’s all “I wish I was drunk right now.” Russell’s all “I am drunk right now.”
Photos from the Robin Hood premiere in Cannes on May 12, 2010. Credit: WENN.
It looks like a bridal gown is trying to escape from under the dress.
P.S. I am not sure why I am on moderation.
Um, Eva? Wedding much? Mall hair, Kate. Helen, ding ding!
The color of Kate’s dress is really quite lovely.But I agree, the cut and the hair are awful
kate B and eva dont even belong there. kate b’s stupid hair is so stupid. she always wears the same thing. i find her really irksome. and eva always dresses way more importantly than she really is.
Kate looks like the bride of Frankenstein.
Damn, Helen looks fantastic! Her body is totally rocking in that dress. Work it, girl!
It is really cold here in France right now, so that also could have affected the fashion choices. In the North, we are barely out of the 40s°F for highs.
Btw, Russell’s wife looks like a bone and her nose looks chopped. Yikes.
Why the Hell has Eva been at Cannes for the last 3 years.Does she work for a company that is a Cannes sponser ?
Kaiser, you’re on a roll today, girl. That was hilarious!
Cate’s gown is McQueen.
@ Kim –
Eva is married to Tony Parker, who is French. So, she is ALWAYS around and getting the paps attention. They totally suck up to her here because they consider her a rather huge celebrity. She even “guest-starred” on a long-running game show called Fort Boyard this past summer. She doesn’t speak much French and uses her lack of knowledge to sound ‘cute’, or so she thinks.
I don’t care for her much myself but we French (as a whole) seem to love her! Or, they are more fascinated with Tony living the big American dream life and making big money. Who knows? But, good question – why IS she really there?
Damn, Mrs. Russell Crowe McAngrypants needs to eat a sandwich.. or 12!
Don’t like Kate & Eva’s. The rest look great.
Mrs. McAngrypants has short arms.
Hilarious post Kaiser!
The real headline should be “HELEN MIRREN ruled Cannes”
My God I hope I could rock a dress like that when I am in my 60’s!
It is really cold here in France right now, so that also could have affected the fashion choices. In the North, we are barely out of the 40s°F for highs.
+1
I ♥ Cate, no matter what she wears, be it birds of prey or that cotton-candy color for the photoshoot.
EVa L-P is there because she’s shilling for L’Oréal, like so many others who don’t rightfully deserve to be there.
Kate B has no sense of style and ever since she went overboard with her surgeries, she’s just looked plastic to me. She was cute circa “Much Ado About Nothing”
Mrs. McAngryPants is called Danielle Spencer IRL. 😉
Dame Helen’s dress is the best. The End.
Cate’s dress was hand-picked by the late Alexander McQueen. I’m sure she thought it was ridiculous but I’m sure it’s an homage in his honor.
I wonder if Eva and her hubby have infertility or maybe just not wanting kids? Just curious.
Kate B’s boys probably thought the dress was cool! So she wore it. [don’t stars get a few dresses delivered to them, to choose from, when they are of Kate’s status in the industry? I think so.]
Eva-uugh. Why must they photograph and publish her, if she has to be there? At least we could ignore her.
Lawdy I am especially fond of your allergy medicated comments. The dialogue between the Crowes was delicious!
and yea- everything you said. Dame Mirren – fabboo. Tiered ruffle dresses- uglier than a 1980’s prom in the midwest.
Well, if the French loves Parker that much, they can have him back! Alot of talk at work is Parker is the reason the Spurs blew it for the Champs and needs to get traded for a beter player….but its just work talk then…
Cate Blanchette can wear whatever the hell she wants. She looks fabulous.
nobody has said anything about eva’s boobs.
or, boob, rather.
oh ha ha big lavender vadge!!!
Kate, Marchesa in Cannes? Wrong continent dear, Dior would have been a much better choice for that kind of frock. Cate on the other hand pitches just right with a perfectly apt Lee McQueen no.
Eva always wears dresses like these at Cannes. And it’s not just one but 7 or 8 for the entire festival.
oh, kaiser – that was a perfect summation of these peeps – the dialogue between russell “I DON’T HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS!!!” and his wife was too funny! cate blanch is always elegant and can carry off anything, even a bird of prey dress. kate becks, on the other hand, irritates the bejesus outta me. and yes, benecio is insanely hot.
Helen Mirren has a great body, she looks fabulous! I like Kate Beckinsale’s dress, she looks very beautiful. Eva’s is pretty but it does look like a wedding dress, Cate’s, I don’t like but she looks pretty anyway.
OMG!! Helen Mirren’s body is crazy hot!
Nanea, well said! Totally agree.
Hmmm…I’m not seeing anything that is completely knocking it out of the park. It’s kind of all been done before. Nice of Cate to wear McQueen…
Ruffles explosion!
Mrs McAngrypants is Danielle Spencer, failed soap opera actress, failed pop singer. She’s very angry 😀
that was some funny stuff
Blanchett’s dress is simply stunning… great line, great colour and use of colour and a bold, unexpected print. Wonderful. McQueen was an amazing designer… hope he won’t be forgotten and his designs worn years to come
Cate can rock anything.
Cate is my woman crush. I love her. Gorgeousness and presence.
I love Kates dress. I think she looks good. Eva Longoria – Im embarrassed for her. No one deserves to be at Cannes less than a bad tv show actress like her. Helen looks fabulous!! I pray to look as good at her age!
I’m so jealous of Dame Helen!! What a body on that woman. She’s sexy as heLL!! And, Cate can wear whatever she wants and still look great, even if it is terrible McQueen garbage. (And, yes, people will forget him and no his clothes will not become classic. The man was no Chanel!)
Eva should be embarrassed to be at Cannes. It’s for MOVIE STARS not bad TV actresses, I don’t care if she is married to a Frenchman!!
Cate the great! I’m a huge fan of hers. I think she’s a great actress and she’s done so many interesting films. GO CATE!
Damn! Thanks Kaiser, I really love Penelope’s style.
BTW Charlize not so much. But that’s ok.
luv th eagle-oh yeah and kate too!
Love Cate..but the bottom of that dress is yuck..
Cate Blanchett is wearing a custom desinged A. Mcqueen, he designed it specifically for her
and she looks amazing! (as always)
she’s the epitome of grace and elegance
Eva Longoria, Aishwarya Rai, Kerry Washington and Andy MacDowell are the international Brand Ambassadors for L’Oreal. L’Oreal is the biggest sponsor of Cannes. That’s why they get to walk every red carpet at Cannes with the multiple “costumes” trying to one-up each other … atleast Aishwarya Rai and Eva Longoria are in Cannes Fashion version of Mortal Kombat every year.
I agree. I could even mistake the designers as well. You were close thou, Alexander McQueen and Jean Paul Gaultier shared the similar vision of fashion as art and their work shows that. Anyway, petite ladies should never wear big gowns. Take a note, Eva. Death by ruffles!
Question: WHY is Eva even at Cannes????
She has not and will never do ANYTHING of the caliber of the films at Cannes.
Seriously. And how the HELL did Kate Beckinsale get on the jury at Cannes?
Did they check out her film resume before selecting her????
Catty….yes. Too much coffee this morning and not enough sleep. I don’t hate Kate as much as I do Eva.
Eva is an attention whore, plain and simple and she annoys the crap out of me. Plus I believe the gossip that she’s boning Mario Lopez and that is just beyond gross.
Kate Beckinsale has always annoyed me. She’s got this smug, self-satisfied smile all the time like she’s the greatest thing on earth, and for what?
Eva L-P should be embarrassed wearing that gown to Cannes (and for merely wearing it). It’s like seeing barely-famous starlets at the Oscars – WHY are THEY there? Plus, stars who don’t belong at a ceremony shouldn’t try to have the most gaudy dress; there was some actress at the Oscars who didn’t belong there who was wearing a big frock this year; Elizabeth Banks or something is her name. It’s ridiculous. Show some class.
Eva really bugs me too, and I don’t care for her bridal look here.
Helen looks great as always, and Cate always looks amazing too, even when she wears something a little kooky. She’s one of the few who can pull off just about anything, stuff I would laugh at other people for wearing.
I think Kate B is very pretty, but I’m not digging the high hair or the ruffles. Like the lavender color but the dress itself doesn’t do much.
Does Eva’s chest look deformed in this pic? There appear to be random dents and lumps… perhaps the drape of the dress? Or is there a glare/shadow on my monitor?
Dame Helen is the epitome of elegance and grace.
@ Strawberry- That’s exactly what I thought when I saw her! Then I thought, hell, girl, you’re in France. Eat some pastries!
Kate B. is on the Cannes Jury? WTF is up with that? And leave Russell Crowe alone. He’s a manly man and i loves him.
@melinda – i’m permanently on moderation.
allergy medicine haze was funny. mrs. mcangrypants…
LOL confuzzle, ad failed marriage, only for papps show, to that. Poor children. Amen
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