Ah, we knew this was happening, but it’s still interesting to see Lindsay Lohan on the October cover of Vanity Fair. VF just released some excerpts from their cover interview, and boy are they hilarious. Wait, did I say “hilarious”? I meant “creepy” and “Lindsay is a lying sociopath who will never take responsibility for anything.” Guess what, everybody? Lindsay has daddy issues! SHOCKING. She’s 24 years old and she still blames all of her problems on daddy, which, sure, whatever. Her dad sucks. But so do a lot of other dads. Oh, but wait – did I insinuate that Lidnsay has “problems”? I meant that Lindsay, in her own words, “never abused prescription drugs. I never have—never in my life. I have no desire to. That’s not who I am.” Sigh… it’s going to be a really long, cracked-out day, isn’t it?

“If I were the alcoholic everyone says I am, then putting a [SCRAM] bracelet on would have ended me up in detox, in the emergency room, because I would have had to come down from all the things that people say I’m taking and my father says I’m taking—so that says something, because I was fine,” Lindsay Lohan tells Vanity Fair contributing editor Nancy Jo Sales.

“I think everyone has their own addictions and hopefully learns how to get past them,” she says, in an interview conducted one week before her jail time began. “I think my biggest focus for myself is learning how to continue to get through the trauma that my father has caused in my life.”

Lohan was visibly upset when she spoke with Sales about Ali’s presence in the courtroom, calling it “heartbreaking” to see her sister cry. However, Lohan feels conflicted about her father’s unexpected appearance at the hearing, telling Sales, “The worst part of it is you turn around and you see your dad crying and normally you’d be, like, happy that your father’s there. But then he has to go and do an interview right after.”

Sales reports that Lohan thinks her career is far from over. “I don’t care what anyone says. I know that I’m a damn good actress. … And I know that in my past I was young and irresponsible—but that’s what growing up is. You learn from your mistakes,” she tells Sales.

Lohan adamantly denies rumors of drug abuse, telling Sales: “I’ve never abused prescription drugs. I never have—never in my life. I have no desire to. That’s not who I am. I’ve admitted to the things that I’ve done—to, you know, dabbling in certain things and trying things ’cause I was young and curious and thought it was like, O.K., ’cause other people were doing it and other people put it in front of me. And I see what happened in my life because of it.”

Lohan blames her troubles, in part, on hanging out with the wrong crowd, Sales reports.

“So many people around me would say they cared for the wrong reasons. A lot of people were pulling from me, taking from me and not giving. I had a lot of people that were there for me for, you know, the party.”

And when she first moved to L.A., Lohan says, “it was very go-go-go and I had a lot of responsibility; and I think just the second I didn’t have [structure] anymore—I was 18, 19—with a ton of money and no one really here to tell me that I couldn’t do certain things … And I see where that’s gotten me now, and I don’t like it.”

She says tabloids were her main source of news, and calls that “really scary and sad… I would look up to those girls… the Britneys and whatever. And I would be like, I want to be like that.”

Sales interviews several paparazzi, and reports that Lohan often cooperates with them for a fee, though Lohan denies this.

“If I called her up right now and said I’ll give you $10,000, she’d come right down,” a photographer tells Sales. “Once you’re famous, there’s always a way to make money,” another photographer says. “She might not be doing what she’d like to be doing, but she’ll always be Lindsay Lohan.”

Despite everything, Lohan is confident in her acting abilities and future: “I don’t care what anyone says. I know that I’m a damn good actress.”

She says she’ll do whatever it takes to fix her party-girl image.

“I want my career back,” she said. “I want the respect that I had when I was doing great movies. And if that takes not going out to a club at night, then so be it. It’s not fun anyway.”

The October issue of Vanity Fair will be available on newsstands in New York and L.A. on Thursday, September 2, and nationally and on the iPad on Tuesday, September 7.

[From Vanity Fair (additional quotes via HuffPo)]

So, what can we say in summary? Lindsay denies being a pillhead but not a crackhead, and she doesn’t mention my theory that she abuses prescription drugs, illegal drugs and alcohol all in conjunction. She’s been in rehab four times for no apparent reason other than daddy issues, and her life was destroyed because she was on her own in Hollywood when she was 18 years old and because she was making lots of money for showing up to clubs. That’s it, basically. Nevermind that she was living in the Chateau Marmont when she was 16 years old and that her mother – never the bad guy, right? – enabled every crackhead move she made for the better part of a decade. Ugh.

By the way, after careful crackhead analysis, I really do think Lindsay’s boobs are implants, judging her on this photo below. She must have gotten them done before she went to jail.

Here are some more pics of Lindsay not being a crackhead yesterday:

Vanity Fair photos, by Norma Jean Roy, courtesy of VF online and USA Today.