This is what happens when CB is all “take the rest of the afternoon off!” and I’m all “Hey, I wonder if I can catch a matinee of The Town.” Just so you know, it was totally worth the four bucks. And I don’t regret missing this story, but I am chuckling with the richness of the schadenfreude. It seems our sweet little innocent crackhead actually tested POSITIVE for drugs last week, during her court-ordered, very mandatory drug testing.

Lindsay Lohan has failed a drug test in her criminal case … TMZ has learned. We’re told the court-mandated drug test in question occurred last week. According to the terms of Lindsay’s probation, she will get 30 days in jail for a positive drug test.

One source connected with Lindsay tells TMZ … “People with addiction problems don’t get better magically, and she’s really been making an effort to make herself better.”

And D.A. spokesperson Sandi Gibbons tells TMZ her office has not been “officially notified” of the test results and no court date has been set yet.

Sources close to Lindsay tell us she is saying it’s not true — insisting she has not failed, but we have confirmed it is indeed true.

Lindsay Lohan tested positive for cocaine last week and that is why she failed her drug test … sources tell TMZ

Sources close to Lindsay say she’s been telling friends she’s “getting her life together.” However, we’re also told, she’s surrounded herself with some “bad influences.”

[From TMZ]

Sounds about right. Flunked a drug test, tested positive for cocaine while still on probation and Blohan is still in f-cking denial. Much like the cokepants, I’m assuming that Lindsay’s excuse will be THAT WASN’T HER PISS!!!! Can’t you just hear it now? I patiently await Mother Crackhead to breeze out and tell us all how it’s a huge conspiracy and how she’s personally going to get Lindsay’s urine FIRED. Sigh… I wish Judge Marsha was around right now. I would buy her a drink. Someone take away Lindsay’s car keys though – when she finds out she’s going back to jail for 30 days (or minutes, whatever), she’s going to run down another baby.

UPDATE: People Magazine’s sources are saying that Lindsay failed the drug test too – and when almighty People Mag reports it, your firecrotch is in big trouble, bitch. People’s source also says the failed test happened “in recent days.” The DA has no comment, and neither does Lindsay’s poor lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley. Meanwhile, Lindsay gave her official statement to Us Weekly: “I’m fine.” When asked about TMZ’s reporting, she said: “They’re all nuts.” And then she noticeably sniffed and rubbed herself and started playing with her swollen lips, looking shifty, and said, “Hey, do you know where I can score around here?” You know I’m right. And Lindsay’s OTHER lawyer (?) Ed MacPherson tells Us Weekly, “I have no idea at this point whether or not there is any merit to this.” Let go and let God, Ed.

UPDATE: Early this morning (or late last night), TMZ updated their story on Blohan, saying that their sources are now claiming she failed at least TWO drug tests, and that she likely tested positive for cocaine once, but the other failed test came back positive for something else (CRACK?!?). Also – TMZ is playing the world’s tiniest crack violin for Lindsay’s career, saying that there is no way her new judge, Elden Fox, is going to let her leave LA to shoot Inferno, nor do any of the “career comeback” things she had lined up. No out-of-state travel for Firecrotch. Also: probably no one will ever insure her again. But the real dramz went down on her Twitter:

[From Lindsay Lohan’s Twitter]

CB doesn’t even think Lindsay wrote that – and I agree. “Taking responsibility” isn’t in The Lohan Lexicon. And this came just hours after Blohan DENIED that sh-t to Gossip Cop and Us Weekly. So her first instinct is always to fall into her comfort zone of crack lies, and now she’s going with her second instinct: make herself the victim. Oh, pity poor Lindsay. It must be so difficult to be a cokehead with a Maserati, forced to drive around hitting babies.