We’ve kind of ignored Evi and Randy Quaid since they fled to Canada after squatting in the guest house of a mansion they used to own in the 90s. They’re seeking asylum in Canada, having forfeited the $1 million bail bond they posted after their arrest. Evi’s father was born in Canada so she’s been allowed to stay, but Randy has to fight for his immigration status. These two have spouted conspiracy theories in the past about nefarious forces out to kill them and somehow siphon off what income they have coming in from residuals. They ratchet up the crazy in an epic interview with Esquire, and what initially sounds amusing soon becomes alarming once you realize they’re truly convinced that people are trying to kill them. In one passage, Evi describes the various scenarios through which these unnamed “Star Whackers” are going to murder her and Randy. It’s disturbing how thoroughly she’s thought this out, and makes me worry that they’re going to commit suicide together. Evi and Randy have seen various friends and acquaintances die unexpectedly, like Sean Penn’s brother Chris, Heath Ledger (who starred with Randy in Brokeback Mountain) and David Carradine. It’s all part of a plot by some seedy “Star Whacker” underworld, they maintain, and unless they’re allowed to stay in Canada they think they’ll fall victim to it too.

Evi Quaid on how she and Randy will be killed
They will be killed in one of three ways, she says. (She does most of the talking.) She has interrupted the killers practicing. “Staging scenarios,” she calls them. Dry runs, rehearsals, blocking for a gruesome play.

Their most likely end, the Quaids believe, will involve knives. Randy will be drugged in his sleep — “They know he has sleep apnea,” she says — and Evi will be stabbed to death. Then they will put the knife in his hand. He will wake up and be locked away forever. Or he will kill himself in his terror and grief. The Star Whackers have stolen some of his songs — he writes sad, introspective songs on more crumpled sheets of paper — and the killers will lay one out on the nightstand or the kitchen counter. “Randy’s songs read like suicide notes,” Evi says. “That’s how the cops will read them.”

Or they will be hanged together, Randy and Evi, strung up from the rafters in a garage. Another song will surface. It will be ruled a double suicide.

Or they will be found in their car, parked overlooking the steel-gray sea, and they will be found sitting, frozen, hand-in-hand, their insides brimming with a lethal dose of Demerol, administered through Evi’s stolen migraine medication. “A pharmacist told me they could put one hundred times the lethal dose in a single pill,” she says.

The Star Whackers could, at least. They are good at what they do. Heath Ledger. Chris Penn. David Carradine. Ronni Chasen gunned down only last week, five bullets in her chest. Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson, they’ll be next. Make them seem crazy, make them seem as though they were going to fall over the edge anyway, and then give them one last little push…

On who is out to get them and Radar’s law enforcement ties
A dirty cop in Santa Barbara, and his brother, working inside Hollywood. Agents, former business managers, accountants. A corrupt sheriff in Texas, drunk and toothless. Banks. Studios. Insurance cons and actuaries. Radar Online.

“Radar Online is owned by the police,” Evi says firmly. She sounds entirely convinced. “They called the Dairy Queen in Marfa, Texas, to spread rumors about us when we lived there. Everything came out of the Dairy Queen…”

On their friends who have ‘been killed’
Sas leaves. Randy and Evi share a private joke about Star Whackers: The Musical. They laugh loudly at the idea. It will star all their dead friends. Heath Ledger, tight since Brokeback Mountain. Chris Penn came to Randy’s Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony; there he is, you can see him in this photograph, smiling in the background. “And here’s David Carradine!” Randy bellows. “Oh,” he says sadly. Carradine had called them only the week before his demise, unaware that the killers had already followed him to Thailand. The killers made millions off the Carradine hit. Insurance, siphoned royalty checks, wagers. So many revenue streams and waterfalls. Randy’s still making money off Days of Thunder. “The Days of Thunder angle is very interesting,” Evi says before she decides it’s better not to go down that road.

On who will kill them
“Who would they have do the actual stabbing?” Evi wonders aloud in the empty, windowless room.

She runs through the possibilities: The same people who killed Robert Blake’s wife? Or maybe the people who killed Phil Hartman and his wife? The people who shot that poor woman in Phil Spector’s house? The people who gave Michael Jackson those tainted drugs?

“I feel like we’re really close,” Evi says. “We’re this close to solving our own murder. It’s the only way I’ll be able to keep Randy alive.”

[From Esquire]

I guess the most surprising thing, as Jezebel points out, is that these are two people operating under the same delusion. It’s one that’s rather chilling given the focus of most of their conversations. It’s easy to notice that Evi is vague and speculative about who could be trying to kill them, but when it comes to how they’re going to die she has all the specifics down. Evi and Randy are staying in what she describes as “a secret hotel apartment bunker thing” in Vancouver, British Columbia after being turned away from several hotels.