Every single tabloid has a big Ryan Reynolds/Scarlett Johansson story this week, for some reason. I mean, I get it, they were a young, hot Hollywood couple, but from the breathy, wall-to-wall coverage, you’d think that it was the shock of the century that they split. Anyway, in addition to sounding like a whiny little baby and pushing “victim” stories in the press, Ryan might have been a busy little beaver framing ScarJo as the bad guy in other tabloids too. Here’s a run down of some of the stories, courtesy of Jezebel:

In Touch Weekly: Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson were “torn apart by jealousy.” A source says: “He said it sounded like she was yelling every time she spoke to him.” Sometimes she was yelling! She allegedly “went nuts” in his trailer while he was filming The Proposal. Another source says that Ryan can be “an overbearing control freak,” and went on a solitary motorcycle ride across Europe this summer, then asked Scarlett to drop everything and come to him when he wanted to see her. She threatened to take off her wedding ring when he refused to go to Comic-Con with her. An insider says: “He doesn’t seem sad and mopey. He seems to be getting on with his life.”

Star Magazine: Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds have been having “secret dates.” Well, not really. But he visited her in Austin and went with her, baby Louis and her bodyguard to her sister’s cupcake shop. This other time in L.A., they had dinner at a restaurant and then went into a photobooth, and a witness says, “Who knows what they were doing in there.” Um, taking pictures?

Life & Style: RyRen and ScarJo’s marriage crumbled because she has “major abandonment issues.” They talked about having a baby to save the relationship, but her friends talked her out of it.

[From Jezebel’s tabloid round-up]

Eh. I doubt ScarJo was ever seriously considering having a baby – she never really seemed to care (and she’s still so young, after all). As for Reynolds and Sandra Bullock… yeah, I doubt it. They just don’t seem like they would have any sexual chemistry. But they’re probably still friends, and maybe they’re just hanging out together. Plus: I totally see Reynolds rebounding with someone like Blake Lively, don’t you? Regarding Reynolds being an “overbearing control freak” – can we just call him a gerbil-faced jag and be done with it? Ugh.

ANYWAY… my favorite version of the post-split analysis comes via Us Weekly. Mainly, this interests me because it seems like the biggest pro-Ryan story, and because there’s some good dirty gossip about those old rumors regarding ScarJo and her Broadway costar, Liev Schreiber, and their alleged romance. Schreiber is Naomi Watts’ partner, mind you, and there was a lot of gossip last Spring about how close Schreiber and ScarJo were when they worked together, and how Naomi and Liev were very close to splitting. I even suggested that it could be on between Schreiber and ScarJo! Here are the highlights from Us Weekly:

While ScarJo was on Broadway, Ryan would fly home from his NOLA location on weekends to spend time with her, but sources close to the couple say that communication broke down.

“They went from speaking once every two days to once every two weeks,” says the source.

Also, Ryan took an impromptu trip to Las Vegas with his friend Kevin Connolly, which sent ScarJo into a rage when she found out.

“Kevin is friends with Scarlett, and he was on the phone with her. She was like, ‘What? Ryan’s there?!?’… she was not happy.”

Ryan began telling friends last spring that he and Scar were having problems. He told friends that “she treated him badly, she was very focused on her own career, and it never seemed like she made him a priority, and she’s not as emotionally mature as Ryan.” Their eight-year age difference, says the source, “became an issue.”

As the marriage circled the drain, both bonded with other people. ScarJo and her Broadway costar Liev Schreiber “seemed weirdly close,” says a source. “She would often go for late-night rides on his Vespa.” But a pal says: “Completely platonic.”

Meanwhile, Reynolds and his Green Lantern costar Blake Lively “were like brother and sister,” says a source. Some have hinted as a romance, but “nothing happened” a source says.

In the end, it’s only a matter of time before one of them files for divorce. “They’re still talking and things are civil, but he’s very hurt.”

[From Us Weekly, print edition]

Yes, Ryan is very butt-hurt. BAD SCARJO. Now, the Vespa thing is very interesting, isn’t it? I bet ScarJo rode more than his “Vespa”. Personally, I think ScarJo is catnip for older men. It’s the voice, the demeanor, the Lolita thing. I could see Liev being into it. Plus, he has a thing for blondes. I’m calling it: ScarJo and Liev Schrieber were probably boning. I’m also calling it: it’s funny to me that there are so many photos of Schreiber and ScarJo together, and barely any of ScarJo and Ryan. HA. One last thing: if ScarJo did fool around, I’m not blaming her. I can’t imagine being hitched to a butt-hurt gerbil like Ryan. I would be screwing around too.

Photos courtesy of WENN.