Rolling Stone has been scraping the bottom of the pickle barrel lately. They had Justine Beaver (credit: Kaiser) on the cover last month, and this month we’re being treated to Snooki riding in on a rocket and talking about herself in the third person inside. Snooki is a published author now and has become a household name as the punchline to countless late night jokes. She’s easy in so many ways and she thinks that translates to interest in her personal life and an ability to capitalize on her name. The sad thing is, she’s probably right.

Thinks she “looks like” an alcoholic on the show
Polizzi says that she always watches Jersey Shore, but she rarely likes what she sees. “If I do something stupid, which is pretty much the whole time, I hate it,” she says. “I just hate it. Obviously, they’re only going to put the good stuff in, and the good stuff is us drunk, so all I’m seeing is me drunk and falling down. That’s how I am when I party, but some of the stuff I do is, like, ‘Really, Nicole?’ I look like a freakin’ alcoholic. I’m like, ‘You’re sweating, your makeup is running, you look gross.’ I just look like shit.”

Wants to be like Jessica Simpson, talks about herself in third person
Polizzi has big plans for her future. “When Jersey Shore ends I’m going to do more spinoffs,” she says. “If MTV doesn’t want them, another network will be, like, ‘What does Snooki do now?’ or ‘Snooki’s getting married!’ What I’d like is to turn out like Jessica Simpson, with her whole brand. She makes millions…I’m trying to build an empire, because after this I can’t get a normal job. I mean, how do I go and sit behind a desk?”

Compares Jersey Shore to being in jail
Being filmed 24/7 is incredibly stressful. “It messes with your head,” Polizzi says. “That’s why we go crazy. That’s why we fight with each other. That’s why we drink. We’re living in a house for two months with that shit. We can’t have cellphones, TV, radio or the Internet. If the president died, we’d have no idea. There’s no normalcy. It’s just like prison, with cameras.”

Claims to only have had sex with one guy on camera
Despite the endless parade of men in her bed, Polizzi rarely goes all the way with her smush partners. “The only person I’ve had sex with on Jersey Shore is my boyfriend,” she says. “The guys you see me bring home, we’re only cuddling and making out like any other person would do, but we’re on camera and the whole world’s seeing it, and it does look like I’m having sex.”

[From Rolling Stone]

It was less than two months ago that Snooki was saying she wanted to be called by her real name and now she’s using her nickname Snooki to refer to herself and her career opportunities in the third person.

Snooki compares her life in the Jersey Shore house to prison, but I’m sure February Rolling Stone cover boy Lil Wayne would disagree. He got a month in solitary confinement for getting caught with an mp3 player. If Snooki can’t handle not being able to watch TV or go online she can always read a magazine or expand her book repertoire. She told The NY Times last summer she’d only read two books, Dear John and Twilight. You know, I think I get why she wants to emulate Jessica Simpson’s career.

Here’s footage of Snooki’s photoshoot for Rolling Stone. She says: “This was probably the most hardest photoshoot I’ve ever done.”