Lady Gaga covers the May issue of Harper’s Bazaar, and the bizarre photo shoot was done by Terry Richardson, if you couldn’t have guessed. Gaga is wearing those cheek things again – they kind of gross me out. As for the interview… uh… Gaga is coked out of her mind during the interview. Seriously, read it here. I’ll just do the highlights:

The conversation about her “spiny” prosthetics:

How long does it take to apply the makeup and prosthetics to her face and arms?

“Well, first of all,” she says, “they’re not prosthetics. They’re my bones.”

Okay, so when did the bones appear?

“They’ve always been inside of me, but I have been waiting for the right time to reveal to the universe who I truly am.”

Did she will them to come out for this album?

“They come out when I’m inspired.”

Is she worried that this new look will inspire other people to “grow” similar bones?

“We all have these bones!” she says tersely. “They’re the light from inside of us. Do you mean body modification?”

On being Born This Way: “It’s a performance-art piece. I have never, ever encouraged my fans or anyone to harm themselves, nor do I romanticize masochism. Body modification is part of the overarching analysis of ‘Born This Way.’ In the video, we use Rico, who is tattooed head to toe [including a skull on his face]. He was born that way. Although he wasn’t born with tattoos, it was his ultimate destiny to become the man he is today.”

On plastic surgery: “I have never had plastic surgery, and there are many pop singers who have. I think that promoting insecurity in the form of plastic surgery is infinitely more harmful than an artistic expression related to body modification. And how many models and actresses do you see on magazine covers who have brand-new faces and have had plastic surgery, while I myself have never had any plastic surgery? I am an artist, and I have the ability and the free will to choose the way the world will envision me.”

On assimilation: “I had all these No. 1 records, and I had sold all these albums, and it was sort of this turning point: Am I going to try and embrace Hollywood and assimilate to that culture? I put my toe in that water, and it was a Kegel-exercise vaginal reaction where I clenched and had to retract immediately. I ran furiously back to New York, to my old apartment, and I hung out with my friends, and I went to the same bars.”

On being seen as promoting plastic surgery? “Trust me, I know that. I think a lot of people love to convolute what everyone else does in order to disempower women. But my fans know me. They would never hurt themselves. And if they have hurt themselves, they come to me and say, ‘Gaga, I want to stop, and your music helps me want to stop. Your music makes me want to love myself.’ I am in no way promoting sadomasochism or masochism.”

She thinks that after Alexander McQueen’s suicide, he began working through her: “I think he planned the whole thing: Right after he died, I wrote ‘Born This Way.’ I think he’s up in heaven with fashion strings in his hands, marionetting away, planning this whole thing.” Supporting Gaga’s claim was the decision by the label–not Gaga herself–to move up the release date for “Born This Way,” ultimately to the exact day of the one-year anniversary of McQueen’s death. “When I heard that, I knew he planned the whole damn thing. I didn’t even write the f-cking song. He did!”

She’s happy to respond to recent claims: “I’m not engaged, and I’m not a drug addict, but thank you for asking.”

She‘s delusional: “I’ve always wanted to be an adjective,” she says with a smile. But she adds, “Back then, I was just delusional. I’m going to make a T-shirt that says, I’M NOT A PROPHET, I’M DELUSIONAL.”

Her motto: “You can quote me on this: People love you when they think you won’t be around for very long, and people hate you when they can’t get rid of you. But I’m not going anywhere.”

[From Harper’s Bazaar]

The part about McQueen was just… wrong. Beyond that… I just don’t even know where to start with this one, so instead I’ll tell you a story about my mom. My mom has convinced herself that her favorite cat, Charlie, is gay. Charlie is a sweet kitty – he’s beautiful too, all fluffy white fur with a few grey patches. He has sweet little weepy eyes and he sleeps with my mom every night, and the other cats beat him up. My mom said, “He can’t help it, I made him this way.” I replied, “No, mom. As Gaga would say, Charlie was Born This Way.”

Photos courtesy of Harper’s Bazzar.