FROM THE DESK OF CLIVE OWEN:

Hello, darlings. So many letters lately, right? That should show you how much I miss you. I miss your eyes. I miss your smile. I miss you, missing me. After a brief journey to Ireland, where I made those drunken lasses swoon with the Musk d’CliveDong, I returned last night to London, where I attended a party for Armani. It was there that I ran into someone very, very interesting, and that is the reason for my letter.

Yes, I met Michael Fassbender. Michael and I were in the same space, breathing the same air, our dongs only inches away from each other (and then later, pressed against each other). I have to say… he’s my kind of man. He’s manly and saucy and badass. If you have a crush on him, I approve. Just as long as you keep me as your Number One, I will not be upset if sometimes lust over The Fassbender.

I thought of you lovely bitches when I saw him, and I knew what I had to do. I knew I had to create a homoerotic moment, just so I could explain it all in detail to you in this letter. I approached him slowly, letting the alcohol do most of my work. At that point in the evening, he looked like this:

My goal was to get him to look like this:

And it happened. Sure, I’ll wait a moment while you catch your breath.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I was getting Fassie liquored up. And then the time was right. I slide my hand against his waist and leaned in to whisper in his ear. He leaned in too, and my lips were quickly pressed against his neck. “We need to do this,” I told him. “For the girls. They NEED us to do this.” Michael pulled away and met my gaze. He surprised me with how forward he was… he took my hand and brought me to a dark corner of the party. Before I knew it, I had a handful of his ginger hair in my hands and our lips were locked together, our bodies intertwined, pushed against the wall. And just as quickly, we released each other. “For the girls,” I repeated. “Yes, for the girls,” Michael agreed, slipping me his hotel room key.

Need a moment? I’ll wait.

Photos courtesy of The Telegraph & Pacific Coast News.