On Friday in LA, Lindsay Lohan’s new lawyer Mark “Cousin Vinny” Heller appealed before a judge, attempting to show the need for one of Lindsay’s multiple charges to be dismissed. The attempt at dismissal was for the “lying to police” charge, I think – or maybe all of the charges related to Lindsay’s Pacific Coast Highway crash? Whatever. The point of this story is that A) Lindsay didn’t show up to court (which was no big deal, she wasn’t required to be there) and B) Lindsay’s new lawyer is an idiot. That’s what the judge said!!!
Lindsay Lohan has an incompetent lawyer representing her …. so says the judge in her criminal case.
It was shocking but Judge Jim Dabney reamed Mark Heller, saying he was incompetent to practice law in California and said Lindsay either has to get another lawyer who knows what he’s doing or she has to come into court and waive her right to a competent California lawyer.
The judge informed Mark Heller he screwed up the legal docs he filed by not following California law … and the motion to dismiss charges was DENIED. Heller tried to blame the previous lawyer, but his paperwork was so screwed up … his argument fell on deaf ears.
The judge went on to say Heller doesn’t have a clue about criminal law, questioning his competence to handle the case. The California lawyer who’s sponsoring Heller to appear in Lindsay’s case didn’t show up today, and the judge made note of that … not that it would really matter, because the sponsor never practiced law a day in her life.
Prosecutor Terry White made it clear … he’s ready for trial on March 18, where Lindsay will have to face the music in her lying-to-cops case.
Heller was short on the law but long on platitudes … saying the judge needed to show Lindsay “mercy and compassion.” There was no mention made of the ongoing plea bargain negotiations. We broke the story … lawyers on both sides discussed a plea this week but couldn’t agree on a punishment.
After the hearing, Heller responded to the judge’s criticisms outside the courthouse, saying he doesn’t believe the judge was calling him “incompetent” outright … just pointing out that things are handled differently in California than in New York. Mark retorted, “Having become a lawyer over 44 YEARS AGO, I certainly know the important issues.”
Mark also said Lindsay is currently undergoing psychotherapy as well as voluntary drug screening as proof she’s turning her life around. As for finding a new lawyer to help him — a lawyer who’s more well-versed in CA procedures — Heller says he’s still exploring his options.
Mark also responded to Michael Lohan calling him a terrible attorney, saying, “I wish Michael Lohan the best.”
I know, it’s funny, but it could be seriously problematic. Heller gave a press conference after the judge called him out and refused to dismiss the charges, and Heller was all eager-beaver, “my client is a nice young lady who visits autistic children in her spare time” (seriously, he said that). Clearly, he’s only doing this for the press conferences and the exposure and because he’s crazy/incompetent. Here’s why it’s problematic for those of us who want Lindsay in jail, doing real time: because she has the right to competent counsel. If she’s going to jail, I want it to be because the California legal system got it right, that everyone agrees now that she’s a mess and that she’s going to end up killing someone some day. I don’t want to see her punished just because her lawyer is a buffoon.
During his press conference, Heller also said: “Lindsay does not have a problem with alcohol or drugs . . . She is totally sober.” Hahahahhahahaha. Also: Heller claims that Lindsay had a concussion after the car crash, something her medical records dispute. A source told Radar: “The doctors who treated Lindsay on the day of her car accident last summer didn’t diagnose her with a concussion. She suffered no injury to her head whatsoever… She did have bruised ribs, and she was very sore, but that was her only significant injury. Lindsay had a CT scan of her head, neck, and spine and there was no injury. Not only that, but Lindsay went back to work after leaving the hospital. For Mark Heller to claim that Lindsay had a concussion is an absolute and blatant lie. When she was questioned by cops at the emergency room, she wasn’t denied any medical attention because of them.”
The trial begins on March 18th. It’s going to be funny/sad. I’m not looking forward to it.
Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet.
Damn girl is looking rough in those pictures. She so screwed up getting rid of the other lawyer, I wonder whose idea was that? Lindsey needs a lock down Rehab for a year or so (like that will happen) or just good ole jail-time, sadly she will get a slap on her orange tan-stained wrist.
Heller said: “Lindsay does not have a problem with alcohol or drugs . . . She is totally sober.” He’s right and here is that statement translated from Cracken to English. “She enjoys drugs and alcohol. Lindsay isn’t just a recreational user but an enthusiast of controlled substances and she is totally sober compared to what she usually is.”
And if she doesn’t “have a problem with drugs and alcohol” for why is she subjecting herself to drug tests?
Oh, wait, that’s right…TO STAY OUT OF JAIL/COURT-MANDATED REHAB.
Look I know it’s wrong to laugh at others misfortune but since she’s squandered away all the sympathy one has for her I’ll go ahead and say it, I’ve laughed non stop since I heard about this on Friday. Thank you Lindsay for bringing him to our attention, I genuinely thought his kind were just fictional characters and didn’t exist in real life
Is he really that small?? He looks like a little troll, complete with razor teeth…something out of “The Hobbit” movie.
He also is 2 feet shorter than Lindsay outside court, and 1 foot taller than her inside court, so he indeed has magical powers! Hehe
And yet, she’ll still walk away from this whole circus with tons of media attention and no real punishment, like always.
Yep. Whole thing will probably get dismissed now, which was LiLos master plan in trading her good lawyer for a cartoon.
That’s why I’m praying for Judge Judy or someone like that who will call out her shit and put her in jail.
I would give anything to see Judge Judy get her hands on the Cracken. That would be the best thing ever.
I have seen Judge Judy in action when she was a family court judge in NYC under her real name Judy Sheindlin. Lawyers and CPS workers used to quail when they heard she was on the bench on one of their cases. God almighty help you if you came into her courtroom unprepared. She would tear you a new asshole before you knew which end was up. In her defense, she was fair, even though she was tough, and knew what she was doing, which is a lot more than I could say of some idiot family court judges I’ve experienced in three decades in social work.
Her career is over though. So even if she doesn’t go to jail, she lost everything and that’s the big consequence she can’t escape. People don’t like her anymore, nobody but Hollywood jokes will work with her, she has no credibility as an actor anymore and she’s buried deep in debt. She’s over. And with every court drama she provokes, she loses even more. That is the biggest punishment of her life. What else is she going to do with her life now? Hook herself to foreign rich men who for some reason still think she’s great enough to fork over so much money. It’s a sad life. The more she watches all these new girls come and take everything as she ages so rapidly and gets in more trouble while Hollywood turns its back on her is the best punishment for someone so entitled, horrible, irresponsible and stupid. She ruined everything.
Jail is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. People who leave jail can start over. She can’t. It’s over.
Very well said Annie.
Some ppl go on about her needing rehab and/or jail,. That means they have hope and hope is always a good thing, I suppose.
I just don’t agree with them; all hope for her is lost in my opinion. I’m just waiting for her to die, and I’m not saying that to be mean.
You’re right, Annie. But she probably thinks she can do a big comeback when this is all over.
Thing is she lost all of her old fans (I used to be a fan back in 2004/05), and she won’t be able to get new ones. The Lilo we fell in love with was a cute ginger with a fresh personality. Now we all know about her horrible personality, and she has the face to go with.
It’s all gone. Even the hopes of a comeback. It’s sad, really.
This is an absolutely spot-on assessment of Lindsay’s situation. She’s the new Tara Reid, except even more messed up.
As for her sugar daddies, I don’t think they are financing her because they think she’s so great. She may be able to live off the rich skeevy men but at the price of her self-respect. Those guys are not really paying just for the use of her body, there is also an element of “see what this famous person will do for a buck!” They are paying for the right to humiliate her basically. She’s the celebrity version of a hate-fuck. Also, even people who don’t avidly follow gossip knows about her rich male “friends”. Which shows how much she has fallen in the public eye, because I seriously cannot think of another actress that people and media have ever so openly insinuated is selling her body.
Having said that, I have no goodwill left for her anymore. I believe that even without her addiction issues she’s just has a pretty horrible personality. I understand drug addicts will do some nasty stuff to feed the habit, but most of them are also sorry for the suffering they cause others, even if they’re not sorry enough to stop. But to me, Lindsay has never shown any real hint of remorse. They only person she’s really sorry for remains herself.
yup anne, (hey….you’re not anne ‘hathaway’ sneakin’ on these boards are yuh? KIDDING) but yes, anne, thanks for redirecting me/us to the real essence of lilo’s purgatory….she literally, lost it all. jail or no jail, no big deal.
what the hell is she going to do with her life? we’ll never know unless SHE makes the decision and steps to move fwd. and that, I/we/the Universe know that will never happen….
Is anyone blogging here a lawyer? What is likely to happen in court on 3/18?
Comedy gold!
What in God’s name made her choose this very strange man over Shawn Holley???
Free representation. Plus, Shawn Holley withdrew as her lawyer.
Yup. Pro bono.
Holley withdrew after receiving a letter saying she was fired. She knew then that she wasn’t getting the alleged $300k in pay that she has earned by keeping the Cracken out of jail this long. This is the biggest mistake Lilo has made, imo.
I hope that the legal system actually works this time, but won’t be holding my breath.
they say that life is stranger than the years top grossing movie and DAMN is that true! WHERE! wha???? huh??? who???
comedy gold. Lilo should get an oscar for this because the Diablo himself could not write a more damning script!
she must be pooping bricks….oh wait….vodka doesn’t make you poop…..
Every defendant should have access to a lawyer who is competent.
But the Cracken brought this upon herself, by firing Shawn Holley, by not paying her.
Is it too early for a Cracktail yet? (it’s mid-afternoon where I live)
Never too early for a Cracktail! *serves up a Cracktini* There you go! 😉
Exactly it’s called karma! At this point she deserves jail and if it because of an incompetent lawyer again it’s because she brought this on herself.
I was on a jury a couple of years ago (in CA) for a case in which the kid standing trial was obviously guilty. The burnt out public defender pretty much phoned in his defense, while the peppy young ADA, fresh out of law school, went all out with her arguments.
It made me sad that this kid, although guilty, was going down for a childish prank a rich kid would have walked away from. Point being, that’s the state of the legal system. Lilo had a zillion chances, and now she’s getting the same quality of defense the public gets.
Was he in “Lord of the Rings?” He looks like an Orc.
And as for Lindsay … she is looking very rough for a totally sober young woman in her twenties.
Her skin is DESTROYED. The deep grooves in the forehead, the lined neck, the pooched-out lips that’ll deflate into dried apricot halves if she ever lays off the filler — good grief, what a mess. Between the constant smoking, the drugs, the alcohol, and the self-tanner/bronzer, she’s ripped her complexion apart. Nothing ages one like bad skin, and here’s proof.
He also looks like one of the goblins that work at Gringott’s bank (Harry Potter!)
Another reason to wish The Cracken gets competent legal representation: if Heller sees this through and she loses, it sets up an appeal where any guilty verdict could be set aside BECAUSE she had incompetent counsel. Thus putting The Cracken back out on the street. Where she doesn’t belong.
Ugh. I just can’t with this trainwreck anymore.
I think that is why the judge said she has to waive her right to competent representation, or get a new lawyer, so they can’t appeal which was a smart move on the judges side. Although I agre with other posts, she will walk because of something, yet again. 🙁
No, that’s why this judge specifically said that Heller has to either get a competent lawyer to advise him in court on CA law or get LL to get her ass into court and waive her right to competent counsel. He said he wanted to make sure there was no room for appeal in terms of counsel. This judge is on to her and is not letting her get her foot into THAT door.
If a miracle occurs and Lindsay actually has to go to jail, this entire “incompetent attorney” mess will end up being just another excuse for her life. She (and White Oprah) will tell themselves and anyone who’ll listen that Lindsay is innocent and only had to go to jail because she got stuck with a bad lawyer.
Because in Crackenland, there is no guilt, only excuses.
Does this trick feel like it’s Groundhog Day every day? Because every time I read stories like this, I get confused as to which charges we’re talking about THIS time. I can’t even keep up with all of it.
Did she finish out/resolve/whatever the term is her other legal issues? Stealing the jewelry? Attacking someone at a club? Violation of probation? I can’t even remember what else?
Ug. It’s exhausting.
I am a probation officer, and see similar cases all the time. She will get yet another slap on the wrist. No jail time, more probation with few court ordered conditions. maybe community service work.
I pretty much figured this but I hoped she would go to jail like Bobby Brown.
Except she’s not like Bobby Brown in one very critical way that makes a huge difference in the US legal system.
I’m wondering, though, if this will be the final straw, so to speak. Not because her behavior is any more egregious than before, or because of some new legal angle, but simply because of the negative publicity that has attached to this case — negative publicity for the CA court system, that is, or at least for the Los Angeles County court system. So much has been said and written, both in the mainstream press and on blogs like this one, about Lohan’s ability to coast right out of court, no harm no foul, and about the unwillingness of CA judges to give her more than a “firm” warning. Remember Paris Hilton’s jailing? Many legal analysts thought the punishment was a bit harsh, and opined that the judge wanted to make an example of a celebrity. And that was just for a probation violation after a reckless driving conviction. Lindsay’s done far more and far worse. Hmmm …
Her lawyer reminds me of one of the goblins in Harry Potter.
Lol!
There’s a key difference: the Gringott’s goblins were competent, the main reason why the rest of the magical world trusted them with theur money and treasures.
This is just so sad that her choices that she made lead her to this.
We can blame her parents to some extent, but by now she knows she has to change this direction she is heading towards, I see a Dana Plato ending here.
The whole family not just Lindsay needs rehab in order to save Lindsay life. This is not going to end well.
As for why she picked the bank teller from Gringkots(sp?) Over her former lawyer I guess Holly wanted to get paid for her work and this guy wants the press
Another site seemed to be saying this guy is the father of one of her drug suppliers. Anybody else hear that story? Where did he come from?
If your lawyer is clearly incompetent can you get a re-trial? Maybe that’s the plan? Just drag it out forever and a half?
Also – HOW SHORT IS HE?
Yeesh, he’s like a little, incompetent troll.
She can’t afford a decent lawyer, so it’s either going to be a public defender or some other charlatan looking for publicity. Though after seeing this guy get his ass handed to him, even the charlatans might be wary.
I don’t care if she ends up in jail cause her lawyer is incompetent. Girlfriend’s gotten away with too much. Lock her up.
I don’t feel sorry for her at all. She gets what she deserves with Heller. Instead of paying Shawn Holley (AN EXCELLENT LAWYER), Lindsay fires her hoping she won’t have to pay her outstanding legal fees. Then she hires this shyster hoping her problems will magically go away. Yep, she truly gets what she deserved! This is sweet justice in its own kind of way.
This is just so funny! I am in stitches! Is this guy a midget? He looks about 4 foot nothing!
Eiher that, or Lohan’s wearing twelve inch platforms.
The way I saw it, the new judge basically laid it out like this:
Lindsay needs to either get a competent lawyer to help Heller with CA law
or
Lindsay needs to show up in court and personally waive her right to competent counsel if she chooses to keep Heller on alone.
He did NOT extend her time before trial, so she needs to get this done before March 18, as the judge saw no good reason to move the date of the trial despite Vinny Heller saying they all wanted to move it to April. Judge said no dice.
So Lindsay is NOT getting away with the “incompetent Lawyer” crap from THIS judge.
I’m sorry, but I think this is HYSTERICAL! I really, REALLY want to see her waive her right to competent counsel (she can’t afford to pay anyone who refuses to work pro bono for notoriety) and see this proceed.
*settles back with CRACKerJacks & Cracktini*
CRACKERjacks. Ha ha! And the prize is the tiny paper packet inside, containing Heller’s miniscule credentials.
What? No “sea jasper” as my prize inside? 😉
Sea Jasper just for you, original B! Not sure what decade that’s from. For me it’s the 80’s tatoo transfers. (Pirate ship first, skull and crossbones next, yeah.)
Oh, but we forgot the CRACKenberry cereal prize….
kit – Sea jasper is from last year, I think, when Linnocent McCracken was caught on film (paps) buying a bag of powdery substance and later claimed (or had her former PR henchman Steve claim) it was “crystals and sea jasper.” (Because, you know, ALL the major purveyors of crystals and sea jasper in LA deliver to benches on streets in broad daylight.)
Ha ha!
Thanks for that Orig. Bel! My bedtime reading for tonight.
This guy has been practicing law for 44 years…how old was he when he graduated from law school? And how old is he now?
Haha no the key words were he “became a lawyer over 44 years ago”. No word on how long he’s been practicing 😂
BARRY ZUCKERKORN is all I have to say!
Oh my lawd. I knew he reminded me of someone! And they are both out there, that is soooo damn funny.
hahaha, I am glad someone got it.. hahahaha.
I have a hard time listening to condemnations of competency from a court system that continuously let’s her off with only a finger wag and a tsk.
zing! And we have a winner!
I hadn’t even thought of that, but yup-nail on the head.
I dont know whether to laugh or cry . .
I’ve seen My Cousin Vinny about a zillion times & he ended up being a fairly competent attorney. I doubt this Heller joker won’t be so lucky
Heh. I was just thinking that comparing this idiot to Vinny is insulting a very good movie…
The Coen brothers need to write a movie about Mark Heller.
Guy is freaking hilarious.
Imcompetent lawyer, incompetent client. This is the best soap opera ever!
Wow, I just can’t keep up anymore with this “unfolding drama”…I’m to the point beyond caring.
My 4 year old son is autistic. Please, someone keep Lindsay the hell away from him!
Right? If true, those kids and parents must be truly dedicated to helping advance HER physical and intellectual competence.
Per another gossip site, Michael Lohan is furious with Heller and claims to have a new lawyer lined up for the Cracken. He’s also claiming he’ll pay for the new lawyer.
Will the Cracken accept “Daddy Dearest’s” offer?
Depends on whether Daddy offers on the condition of rehab
It’s a sad day when douchebag Michael Lohan is being the responsible parent…..
he talks to the press too much, but seems far more interested in Lindsay’s well being than Dina. He at least acknowledges her issues and says she needs rehab
When is Milo not furious? He bashed Holley many many times.
Okay 3 things here.
1. Is Heller really blaming screwed-up paperwork on Shawn? Really?
2. Voluntary drug screening. How does this work? Here in BC you need paperwork from your doc before you go to the lab. Can you just walk in and demand drug screening? Where do the results go?
3. Heller is exploring his lawyer options. Isn’t it up to the Craken who she picks for a lawyer?
I too am almost completely beyond caring. But I definitely no longer have sympathy for her .
She’s a disgusting, ungrateful, self important, amoral, lying little snot who’s danced through our so called ‘criminal justice system’, making our country look even more stupid everytime.
Everyone responsible for her next release back into the world should have to split the cost for the death or injury LL is going to cause in the future. Not ‘if’, simply ‘when’. God knows the best we can hope for is not being the one who can’t walk away from an encounter with her.
Second that Hakura. Well said.
She doesn’t need “luck” as Heller put it the other day. She needs to stop breaking laws and acting like a selfish idiot.
“disgusting, ungrateful, self important, amoral, lying little snot…
For a minute there, I thought you were talking about KStew.
@Janet – Apply it to whomever you will. Sadly, it applies to so many in the entertainment business>xD
KStew seems to be at least around 55-60% on the way to LL’s status. (Impressive considering how many more years the Cracken has had to perfect her ‘art’ ¬_¬ ). Only difference is that I don’t know if she’s ever shoplifted/has a record/driven drunk/lied to the cops when caught completely red handed.
I pray to GOD KStew doesn’t go the route LL took of tries to be a singer. Jesus, can you imagine? x_X
But tune in next week, boys & girls, for another dramatically idiotic episode of ‘As The Stars Fall‘! (Insert corny annoying soap opera music ♫♪♫~).
(I know, I know, sounds more like a song title). xD
Well, this judge is a no-nonsense judge, so far. Will this be the judge for the trial?
Who wants to bet that something shocking & unforeseen will happen on March 17, the day before the trial? LL will go out to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, & be abducted by UFO leprechauns.
Or something.
Hahaha, if only!
Also, I wish we had a court system that still wears the white powdered wigs. I would love to see Mark Heller in one of those.
Is that a “flammable liquids” triangle tattoo on her arm?
HAZMAT symbol.
Truthfully I can’t help but enjoy the wee buffoonery that is Heller. He’ll make sure Lohan goes to jail 😀
ahhhh, the wise Bard ye ole Shakespeare could not write a more farcical tale himself!
All the world is a courtroom! and we are merely the players!All is good in the world again!!! YEAH!!! I was in tears that ole scruffigan lilo was gonna go free! but she aint!!!
OMG!! Who does he remind me of? – I knew there was something! *LOL 😀
http://sv.cinedor.es/687/687591.jpg
Even though we all KNOW she’ll still manage to avoid jail time somehow,at least this time we have the cartoon character which is Heller to make us laugh and sweeten that bitter pill.
her face when she looks him! even her she thinks he’s incompetent
Aw I hate to compare this attorney to cousin Vinny. Cousin Vinny had personality and a smart girlfriend.
Cousin Vinny could maybe help Lindsay, he just needs Marisa Tomei and 2 ‘yewts’…lol
This whole trial and everyone associated with it is one gigantic sh*t show.
Did he play Griphook in the last Harry Potter movie? They could be twins.
ITA
I think we all have been guilty at times for laughing at Lindsay’s unreal life. However, while we may want her in jail, I think it is for 2 reasons. Firstly, we want her to pay for her crimes. Secondly, we want her away from the people and things that get her in trouble. I am afraid this young lady, who was full of potential, may end up dead. None of us want that because it would be a crying shame that no one stepped up and enforced sobriety. When I see her fame-seeking, selfish parents, I am not surprised their daughter ended up where she is. Yes, she is an adult, but I do not think she ever fully matured because she was forced into an adult life, as a child. I honestly pray someone steps up and uses authority and discipline to help her get her life back. It is not too late. As a mother, she both frustrates the hell of of me and breaks my heart.
After the accident, they did a CAT scan on Lindsay’s head. They found nothing.
😀
LOL!!! That, my dear, is brilliant!
I think she is doing this on purpose. If she is convicted she might have a chance to appeal it based on poor legal representation. I believe she *thinks* she knows what she’s doing here. Poor delusional little girl.
Deliberately constructed stall tactic. Lindsay has been in court enough to have recognized the joke he presented as a strong enough lawyer for her serious issues. She is trying to create a mistrial situation or stall for more time to find a lawyer, which she wont be able to do as we already know. She is the queen of manipulation and false moves.
Lohan is being tested for alcohol & drugs by her psychotherapist!?!
***Crackain translation***
Liho checks the alcohol content and purity of said drugs before mass consumption of both.
And in reality her “therapist” is a full length mirror that she talks too, while DUIna stands behind her whispering in her ear…
“Nobody understands, you’re perfect just the way you are….that will be 20%”
When Heller says he’s “exploring all options” all i hear is open to an alternate client who also pays in BJs
Wait. Is Heller a dwarf? I’ve never seen a picture of him standing before.