Sometimes I laugh at all the crap I cram into a single Miley Cyrus post. Don’t get me wrong — I love writing about Miley. On a daily basis, I thank Larry Rudolph for providing so much in-your-face weirdness to contemplate where Miley is concerned. She’s like my new Tom Cruise except she’s not dumb enough to hand over her money to a cult.

I had a post planned for today that involved Miley twerking with a monkey, but that’s been pushed down the line of imporance. You can see those photos at the bottom of this post. Miley covers this week’s issue of Rolling Stone. She’s topless in nearly every photo. I’ve included a few pics, but you can see all of Miley’s rack-clutching here. The interview is epic. She takes the journo to a tattoo parlor and skydiving. She says “sh-t” or “f—” about a thousand times. She tries so hard to be edgy. Oh and she makes sense while talking about her critics:

Getting a tattoo during the interview: “I thought about going to play laser tag. But laser tag sucks. And we could have gone bowling, but what are we, 90? People get tattoos of the most f—ed-up sh-t. Did you know Alec Baldwin has Hannah Montana’s initials tattooed on him? No, wait – Stephen Baldwin. He said he was my biggest fan, and I told him my biggest fans have tattoos. So he got hm tattooed on his shoulder.” She shakes her head. “People do f—ed-up sh-t.”

Her neighbor Steve Carell hates her: “He always gives me the stank-eye because I drive so fast. The other day I was trying to reverse and I almost hit a thousand things, and I was getting nervous because I could see him going” – she crosses her arms and lets out a big, annoyed sigh. “I’m like, oh, my God, Dan in Real Life is watching me right now!”

The VMA act: “Honestly, that was our MTV version. We could have even gone further, but we didn’t. I thought that’s what the VMAs were all about! It’s not the Grammys or the Oscars. You’re not supposed to show up in a gown, Vanna White-style. It’s supposed to be fun! No one is talking about the man behind the ass. It was a lot of ‘Miley twerks on Robin Thicke,’ but never, ‘Robin Thicke grinds up on Miley.’ They’re only talking about the one that bent over. So obviously there’s a double standard. America is just so weird in what they think is right and wrong. Like, I was watching Breaking Bad the other day, and they were cooking meth. I could literally cook meth because of that show. It’s a how-to. And then they bleeped out the word ‘f—.’ And I’m like, really? They killed a guy, and disintegrated his body in acid, but you’re not allowed to say ‘f—‘? It’s like when they bleeped ‘molly’ at the VMAs. Look what I’m doing up here right now, and you’re going to bleep out ‘molly’? Whatever.”

She wasn’t acting sexy: “I wasn’t trying to be sexy. If I was trying to be sexy, I could have been sexy. I can dance a lot better than I was dancing.” She knows sticking her tongue out isn’t hot and that those weird stubby pigtails aren’t flattering (“I look like a little creature”). And she even knows it’s ridiculous for her to twerk. “People are like, ‘Miley thinks she’s a black girl, but she’s got the flattest ass ever,’ I’m like, I’m 108 pounds! I know! Now people expect me to come out and twerk with my tongue out all the time. I’ll probably never do that sh-t again.”

Kanye loved her VMA act: “He said, ‘I still can’t quit thinking about your performance,’ Kanye is the sh-t. I kind of have a good relationship with him now. It’s good to have someone you can call and be like, ‘Yo, do you think I should wear this?’ ‘Do you think I should go in the studio with this guy?’ ‘Do you think this is cool?’ That’s what homies are supposed to do.”

She’s not racist: “The gays are getting married, we’re all collaborating. I would never think about the color of my dancers, like, ‘Ooh, that might be controversial.’ What do you mean? Times are changing. I think there’s a generation or two left, and then it’s gonna be a whole new world.”

On Bieber: “I’m not much older than him, so I never want it to feel like I’m mentoring him. But I do mentor him in a way. Because I’ve been doing this sh-t for a long time, and I already transitioned, and I don’t think he’s quite done it yet. He’s trying really hard. People don’t take him seriously, but he really can play the drums, he really can play guitar, he really can sing. I just don’t want to see him f— that up, to where people think he’s Vanilla Ice. I tell him that. Like, ‘You don’t want to become a joke. When you go out, don’t start sh-t. Don’t come in shirtless.’ But the thing is, I think boys are, like, seven years behind. So in his head, he’s really, like, 12.”

She has no handlers? “I hung out with way too many adults when I was a kid. So now I don’t want to hang out with any adults. I’ve already done all the hard work. Now I can kind of f— off.”

After sky diving: “Holy sh-t!. That was awesome!” She calls her mom and tells her she’s alive. “One thing about sky diving, you really know who you love, based on who you call.” I ask her if she talked to Liam already. “Oh, sh-t!” she says, and takes her phone back out.”

[From Rolling Stone]

Hahaha. That last excerpt is so telling about her relationship with Liam. They weren’t even in each other’s lives for most of this year. They were basically roomies. I’m glad they’re done.

Here’s more Miley tidbits worthy of mention.

* E! Online is making a big deal out of how Miley hasn’t returned her $100,000, 3.5 carat diamond engagement ring from Liam. For some reason, everyone thinks she’ll take it back to the jeweler, Neil Lane. Why should she?

* USA Today printed a hilarious column that declares “Cyrus’ recent bizarre antics are all a setup. They call her “a cute, young, female Andy Kaufman.” Well Miley hasn’t started wrestling onstage yet. We’ll see.

* Billy Ray appeared on Piers Morgan to talk about the VMA scandal: “She’s an artist. She’s real. She’s evolving as an artist. I think that all of what everyone is calling controversy now, that’s still my Miley. She could’ve went out and sang the song in a flannel shirt and a pair of jeans, and it would have still been just as strong.”

* Finally, I acknowedge those of you who comment about how close Miley is to being Bieber. I’ve been ignoring it so far because it’s mean to compare anyone to Biebs. Yet there’s no denying the similarities with the hair, the attitude, and the white clothing (Biebs wears all-white whitebeater & diaper outfits during his concerts). Now they both have a mutual monkey fetish. Miley twerked last night with a monkey and posted these photos to her Instagram. Enjoy.

Photos courtesy of Rolling Stone and Miley Cyrus on Instagram