I grew up in the South, not quite the backwoods. I’ve been to, like, farm parties where people are basically doing keg stands in a field and then rolling around in hay. I’ve also been to some rachet parties where there’s hair-pullin’, drug dealin’, bottle-smashin’ and cops a’ callin’. But none of that would prepare me for a party in Wasilla, Alaska. Our Alaskan fairytale begins with all of Sarah Palin’s family arriving at someone’s birthday party, which was a “snowmobile party.” Palin and her clan have ancient enemies in Wasilla, so obviously they ran into someone they didn’t like. What happened next was… classy! The whole Palin clan got into a messy, drunken, crazy brawl at a snowmobile party. The basics:

The details are a little sketchy, but there’s enough of them, from enough different sources, that a story emerges, a story that according to the gossip Gods, looks kind of like this: There’s some sort of unofficial birthday/Iron Dog-type/snowmachine party in Anchorage.

A nice, mellow party, until the Palins show up. There’s beer, of course, and maybe other things. Which is all fine, but just about the time when some people might have had one too many, a Track Palin stumbles out of a stretch Hummer, and immediately spots an ex-boyfriend of Willow’s. Track isn’t happy with this guy, the story goes. There’s words, and more. The owner of the house gets involved, and he probably wished he hadn’t. At this point, he’s up against nearly the whole Palin tribe: Palin women screaming. Palin men thumping their chests. Word is that Bristol has a particularly strong right hook, which she employed repeatedly, and it’s something to hear when Sarah screams, “Don’t you know who I am!” And it was particularly wonderful when someone in the crowd screamed back, “This isn’t some damned Hillbilly reality show!” No, it’s what happens when the former First Family of Alaska comes knocking.

As people were leaving in a cab, Track was seen on the street, shirtless, flipping people off, with Sarah right behind him, and Todd somewhere in the foreground, tending to his bloody nose.

[From Amanda Coyne’s blog]

Bless their hearts. So trashy. You think this is just a one-off story? Nope. All of Alaska is buzzing about what went down and the Anchorage Police Department had to issue a statement about the Palins’ involvement:

On Saturday, September 6, 2014 just before midnight Anchorage police responded to a report of a verbal and physical altercation taking place between multiple subjects outside of a residence located on the 900 block of Harbor Circle. A preliminary investigation by police revealed that a party had been taking place at a nearby residence and a fight had broken out between multiple subjects outside of the residence. At the time of the incident, none of the involved parties wanted to press charges and no arrests were made. However, the case is still an active investigation and is being reviewed by APD and the Municipal Prosecutors Office. Alcohol was believed to have been a factor in the incident. Some of the Palin family members were in attendance at the party.

[Statement via WaPo]

Yeah, so this happened. Maybe you can question some of the minor details (Willow’s ex-boyfriend? Drunkenly falling out of a Hummer?) but this happened. For some reason, the part I find most believable and Palin-esque is the part where Sarah screamed “Don’t you know who I am!” Lady Grifts-A-Lot, at your service.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN.