As we saw yesterday, The Harlot Formerly Known As Jessa Duggar has cast a wanton spell upon her new husband, Ben Seewald. The young couple – she’s 21 and he’s 19 – were chaste and pure for so long. But then Jessa front-hugged him and ever since then, the devil has made their love a battleground of sin and impurity. First the devil comes for front-hugs. Then the devil wants you to hold hands during prayer. Pretty soon the devil is making you post drowsy, unsexy kiss photos on Instagram. And it gets even worse than that!!! According to some pearl-clutching busybody at Jessa and Ben’s weekend wedding, Jessa is such a wanton trollop that she pulled Ben into some church closet so that they could front-hug without clothes just seconds after they said their vows. UNCLEAN!!! God is watching you fornicate, even if it only lasts about 12 seconds.
Jessa Duggar and Ben Seewald famously shared a private first kiss away from the altar immediately after their enormous wedding ceremony last weekend. But according to a shocked guest, the newlyweds may have done more than just smooch— and their steamy tryst wasn’t so private after all!
Wedding guest Mary B. claimed outrageous rumors spread among shocked guests at the reception that Jessa, 21, and Ben, 19, were caught in an act of “lust” when her free-spirited sister Jinger, 20, accidently opened the door to the couple’s “kiss” room in the Arkansas church.
“Multiple people were discussing that when Jinger opened the door to get Jess for the reception, she immediately closed the door with a look of shock on her face,” Mary alleged on Christian fundamentalist blog “My Life As A Stay At Home Wife And Mom.” “A big group of the girls were waiting outside the room to walk with her out…and my own daughters saw as well.”
“I am not sure why they would not wait for the evening to pray and then consummate God’s marriage,” Mary continued. “The Lord has blessed them and brought them together. To hear so many people discussing what they inadvertently walked into was heartbreaking and troubling….I believe Jessa and Ben are in deep lust with each other.”
You can read the whole sorry, sinful story in the comments of this blog post. My favorite part? The mystery of why “they would not wait for the evening to pray and then consummate God’s marriage.” Does praying before sex make it hotter? ‘Cause I think it would kill the mood. But then again, I’m not some prissy fundamentalist who thinks it’s UNCLEAN for a newly married couple to get their front-hug on just as soon as the vows were spoken. Anyway, I’m not sure if I believe that Jessa and Ben were going FULL FRONT-HUG in the back of the church. I think they probably kissed (and Ben probably kept his lips tightly shut, thankyouverymuch HARLOT!) and maybe Jessa tried to get Ben to touch her boobs. And he probably cried about it and that’s what Jinger saw.
Update: There’s some concern that this whole thing might be a spoof. I think the original fundamentalist Christian blog is for real, but the comment on that blog – the comment with this UNCLEAN story – is probably a spoof. Or maybe the whole thing is a spoof. Could be.
Photos courtesy of Jessa’s Facebook & Instagram.
Lmao at full front hug.
The covering of this is hillarious! I laughed out loud the whole time reading this.
Seriously. Best laugh I’ve had in weeks, reading this post. Well done Kaiser. Comedy gold.
+3!!!
*I meant to post under Jh’s comment. 🙂
OMG! Me too! This whole post has me crying laughing!
My stomach hurts from laughing! Thank you baby jesus for the Duggars!
Naked front hug, is that what the kids are calling it these days?
I hope Jinger didn’t actually see a penis. They might have to excommunicate her or something.
In that case, PLEASE let Jinger have seen full front hug peen.
One of these girls needs to get it somehow!
Get out somehow*
“get IT somehow” worked too, in this case.
😉
Let’s be honest… If they truly did wait, including any touching and kissing, then they both would had popped when they started touching each other, way before enough clothes were removed to actually do anything… So i doubt they actually had sex there. They just decided to get some privacy and get some major kissing and touchy-touchy started…. But im sure the major virgin eyes of the other sisters it would had looked like sex as they could only imagine it… ~just being honest..
Will these people just go away now?????????? I am so sick and tired of this family.
Um…your name is hilarious and reminds me of my husband. Heh.
Well, thank you 🙂
Don’t we have 17 more kids to go through until we’re done with this family? Just kill me now!
By then, they will be marrying off the grand kids. There could also be 19 separate reality shows. 🙂
If he hadn’t ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now. Tsk tsk, Jessa.
heh heh heh…
Maybe they prayed while they were full-frontal hugging.
Maybe they were praying people would stop opening the closet door so they could really get their freak on.
Maybe they filmed it! For Jesus and all.
Maybe she screamed the lords name out I her act of lust..?
We’re are all just speculating at this point. Now, if we all prayed to the Lord maybe he’d get back to us with an answer in 48 hours.
@Abbott: I tried, but all I got was “the person you are trying to reach is currently not available”.
Lol green monster. That’s all I get too.
Someone probably said, “Oh god.” Does that count?
No way. That boy is in a closet but not with her.
Ol’ Jessa Blessa is looking like a Fundamentalist Kartrashian in the photos.
I so hope this story is true. There may be hope for Jessa afterall!
I’d love it to be true! I can’t wait to hear about any and all jabs at those crazed parents, both subtle and not. I am, however, really concerned for Josiah, who many think is gay and being forced to go through the ATI program to “beat the gay out of him.”
I just commented last week without saying his name that a Duggar son was gay. Oh man, that poor kid. I wish someone could save him from these deranged lunatics. I remember years ago how Josh was also punished for some incident with a girl at camp. These people worship God, but why do they act like they are God. Really, really annoys me.
She’s so pretty. I like her cute feline features.
I find this family so uninteresting. I’m only commenting here because I’m more bored than usual.
You’re more bored than usual! Haha….me too, even though it’s the F day and the Browns won last night….which is a big deal in my neck of the woods. BTW, she is a pretty girl, probably the best of the Duggar clan.
Your neck of the woods must be the same as my neck of the woods.
We’re on a roll! 🙂
Oh yes we are! The Browns, The Cavs…..we’re on fire! I got to tell you I’m so enamored of KLove. This town is coming to life again. #TheLand #StriveForGreatness #KingJames #BrianHoyer
I don’t know if you’ve seen this, but if you ignore the bad lip-syncing, it’s exactly how I feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOh2QO8aKnk
Awww in my area we’re mourning the loss. (execpt not me, I hate the Bungles) but ya for more Buckeyes.
Raptor: Awesome, that’s how we all feel I think. I love the girl singing is wearing Brian Sipe’s jersey! Thanks, I’m about to pass this on to my sisters and friends. Happy Weekend! And Mr. Stinky FishFace: Still chuckling at your name. That little girl last night was everything. Her happy little face watching her dad play is better than a win.
Oh totally. Like I said, I’m not a Bengals fan, but I cant help but get giddy watching her dad play and do well. He’s such a genuinely nice guy and it was amazing seeing little Leah there for him. I would love to know if her and Lauren Hill (the basketball player) were able to get together for a bit while she was in town. Lauren could be such a wonderful inspiration to her, the way she is to us.
David Muir did a piece on Leah and her dad on last nights news. So sweet and inspirational. LeBron is always shouting out to Lauren #22 on twitter….lots of good people in this world….if only we could block delete the bad ones.
I was thinking the same thing, she’s a cute girl but that dude gives me the creeps.
I have to admit, if marriage was my only escape from that kind of culty homelife, I would totally deny my dad the opportunity to get his rocks off on my first kiss and then be sure everyone knew I jumped hubby in the closet. Go, Jessa!
I hope so too! I actually met Jessa a few weeks before the wedding. She was very sweet to my daughter – who wanted her autograph. She said “let’s make a picture”, which made my daughter float on cloud nine for days.
I so hope this is true
I have no doubt that she was just the sweetest to your daughter. Most of the fundamentalists I’ve met HAVE been just the nicest people (ignoring world views regarding sexuality, economy, freedom FROM religion, and scientific views).
I don’t think there will be that much of a chance to change… she’s fully indoctrinated complete with her new head of household to govern her as she has been raised to believe a man should. In the big posts about him, he seems like Jim Bob Jr.
It’s a shame because she seems so spunky.
But Michelle used to be spunky too! Front hugging Jim Bob and wearing bikinis… now… I hear her uterus crying from half a continent away.
I so hope this is true. I laughed my butt off when I read about it on Yahoo! this morning…
This is the first i’m hearing of it and i can’t stop laughing.
The couple are in deep lust!! deep lust i tell you! pearl clutch and a few fundy equivalent of hail marys.
I hope they keep on sinning.
OMG, i could spend all day reading the responses to that blog. Oh there are some many gems!!
I was hoping you would cover this!!! I’m still lmao at this whole thing. I’m sure Jinger just saw them kissing and freaked out because sex or touching in any capacity is soooo very sinful and shameful with this family. Think about how sloppy that first kiss / make out must have been. If they were actually getting it on Jinger would have grabbed her pearls and fainted – no running. The best part is the woman who wrote this article is apparently married to a man who talks directly to God and gets an actual answer from the big man within 48 hours! He’s going to get back to her about what they should do about the lusty couple after God dials him up . No lie. Lol
all i am going to say is “JINGER.” lol
I saw this on another site and it made me laugh!
Geez, people are so uptight! They waited for the wedding, they were legally man and wife. This criticism is unfair. If true the only thing they’re guilty of is being forced by brainwashing families that sex is “wrong” and oh, forgetting to lock a door!
They are 19 and 21! It would be bad omen if they didn’t feel “lust” for one another. Ugh. I can’t with with these people..
I agree. It saddens me that people like this actually exist.
I was just on this blog. The best part of Mary B’s comment is without a doubt this one : “I have tried talking to my husband about this but he has said he will not talk about it until he prays about it and gets an answer from the Lord. This on average takes about 48 hours for him to recieve an answers”
This cracks me up. It’s brillant
I read few of the entry items and I’m pretty sure this blog is a fake though.
That sure sounds like her husband doesn’t want to talk to her and has found a surefire way to get her to shut up for a couple of days!
You nailed it. And 48 hours is just an average, so he sometimes gets an even longer break.
it’s a joke blog
but i love the comment about getting a reply from jesus before comcast
Yes and so are the comments.
Whoever came up with the 48 hours line is a pure genius
It’s the best thing i’ve read all day
Right? This is the most wonderful paragraph I have ever read.
” I am not sure why they would not wait for the evening to pray and then consumate God’s marriage. The Lord has blessed them and brought them together. To hear so many people discussing what they inadvertendly walked into was heartbreaking and troubling. Why did this happen? How could this beautiful, joyus day now be forever tainted and destroyed by rumors about what the girls may (or may not have) seen? And if this is true why would they commit such an act in the Lord’s home…the same Lord who guided them together. This really made me question Ben’s headship and leadership skills. I pray he is not swayed to evil. I pray he acts as strong husband and worship leader to Miss Jessa. I have a terrible, guy feeling. I have tried talking to my husband about this but he has said he will not talk about it until he prays about it and gets an answer from the Lord. This on average takes about 48 hours for him to recieve an answer. ”
This story is making me smile to no end. Perfect.
I’m sure they were speaking to God
Oh, sure. I bet his name was said a few times.
Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Don’t care. I’m literally here to say no to the Duggars. Well, and say that even if they did get it on in a church closet, Red and Kitty already confessed tp that on That 70’s show, which I think is much more noteworthy.
Ooh! How about this- the Duggars can only be reported on if what they do parallels something from an under-appreciated television show from the mid-90’s? Who’s with me!?
Like when Monica and Chandler were in the hospital broom closet? Okay, this might work!
I’m with you! I want to see some smoke from those people! Full inhale!
Maybe the spoof source was more recent than That 70s Show. American Dad had an episode where the parents got it on in a similar place (somewhere in the church) and managed to miss The Rapture…
I hope this is true but now I’m seeing comments about this story being from a spoof blog? Who knows, if I had waited that long to kiss or front hug someone I’d probably be at least dry humping ASAP.
I got sucked into Duggar videos last night and ended up watching Jill’s wedding episode, they were actually very cute together and he seems like a genuine guy, I think they’ll make it. They went a non traditional route and spent the wedding day together because they didn’t want to be apart and I thought that was just adorable. I could feel their desire to be physically closer so many times and I can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been. JimBob is still giving off creepy vibes but even he made me tear up when he got emotional.
I’ve been watching this season of the Duggars after a long absence. I guess there’s nothing else on TV at that time & occasionally I look up from the book I’m reading. And finally, finally, I got sickened by the whole thing. JB totally creeped me out. Michelle is sad & pathetic. And those kids are little robotic imitators of their parents in everything they say & do. I hope the children get the help they need to escape.
I will say, the best part of watching the show on TLC is the commercials for the other shows on TLC, shows that would send the Duggars into fits.
I was creeped out when JimBob answered “I do” when the minister asked who was giving Jill away, then he laughed and said “her mother and I do”, yuck. He also kept calling her his baby and saying didn’t want to give her away, he was talking about her as if she was his first daughter and she’s not. I feel so bad for Jana, they apparently want to keep her at home and not let her court so she can raise the other kids.
Yeah, I was going to post the same thing. I’m pretty sure I read that this is a parody site and it’s their story. It may (or may not, ha!) have something to do with the Free Jinger site. Because let’s be honest, no one who is known is going to risk the Duggar Army wrath by blogging about the wedding when details are supposed to be kept under wraps. And even more so if it’s a salacious story. Sorry everyone!!!
Um, you guys know that site is a parody blog right? It’s totally satirical.
Oops. Said the same thing above before I saw your post. But yeah, sadly, parody.
Dear Mary B, lust is the reason for this marriage. They are very experienced in praying, now let them experience something different.
Sheesh, when I first read this story (LMAO) yesterday, I pictured Jinger seeing Jessa bent over, blush pink wedding dress skirt over her head, with Ben having his way at last!
It really baffles me that so many news outlets are picking up this blog post as if it were real. This is a parody blog. All you have to do is read the comments to figure that out. As much as it would be amazing and hilarious if this were true, it’s not.
IKR???
This clearly falls under Poe’s Law: Without a blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of extremism or fundamentalism that someone won’t mistake for the real thing.
I actually prefer the version in the style of Arthur C Clarke: “Any sufficiently advanced troll is indistinguishable from a genuine kook.”
They were in church; how much closer to God could they be?
those people are so messy and sex-obsessed. they’re much more sex-centric than the mainstream society, yet pretend they’re not. that seems to be all they talk about.
On a positive note; Jessa really is a natural beauty, isn’t she?
This post cracked me up. That is all
That is one old-looking teenage boy.
I read this CB writeup like that Key and Peele sketch (NSFW)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-C9q-Na6_w
lmao…that was one of their BEST skits.
I love love love that show. those two are so talented and are funny without being (too) mean.
This guy is 19 years old?! He honestly looks like he’s about 25-26.
I imagine a lot of these girls get married quickly because they’re horny and they tie themselves to some nutbag.
The comment may be a spoof, but a lot of women in that world talk that way. I didn’t believe until a woman told me that her husband “prayed on something” and gave her orders. My mouth dropped.
I attended a Baptist wedding once. The bride and groom had different vows. To the bride, it was ‘this is the day for which you were born, this is the purpose for which u came into the world’ and to the dude it was sorta like, ‘hey bro, get some’. Yeah that was my jaw-dropping moment….
Hey I front-hugged my hubby with-no-clothes-on just this very morning! We also back-hugged and side-hugged and I kissed his weiner!!! Hallelujah! Praise Jebus!!!!
LOL
Hahahahahahaha.
that is some unsanctioned buffoonery right there.
unsanctioned devilry?…
bahhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa too funny!
Lmao kissed his wiener, what a harlot. 😉
First, as an FYI, as a theology person, I must point out that this type of thing was super-common for centuries! In many ancient customs (including Judaism and many Christians) couples were married and y escorted to a private tent or room to, uh, seal the deal, because religious custom at the time taught that until relations happened, the marriage was not legal (historically, this happened to Henry VIII and Catherine, his first wife; she was married to his brother first, but he died before they could do the deed, so she was free to marry Henry after).
But isn’t this just evidence that the Duggar idea of marriage is screwed up? These kids get married solely for the ability to get physical with each other. They’re so mentally invested in this stuff that they rush into it. There’s nothing wrong in the least with waiting, if that’s what the couple wants. But to abstain from any close physical contact at all? That just smells to me. Nothing about this sounds healthy to me.
Yes, it’s all very unhealthy. Neither one has a job, neither one has an education; they got married solely to have sex & will procreate like bunnies. Sad.
If he’s a 19 year old virgin whose previous sexual experience was “side-hugs” I doubt it’d last long enough for anyone to get worried and check a closet.
I know this is from a spoof site and likely isn’t real, but a small part of me hopes it is. I hope these kids are so excited to get hitched and finally bone that they pull a Jill and get knocked up right away (in the church closet would be a great story for the grandkids!) And then continue to have hot preggo sex, God bless ’em. At least now they’re allowed to act like humans.
mutual prayers as foreplay. that sounds so hot i cant even take it. must suggest it to hubby,
I’m not sure what it is but something about these people reminds me of Elytte and Miranda Barbour… shudder. As if their hidden fetishes are over the top and there are massive piles of skeletons in their closets.
Oh my god, they wanted to bone already! Good for them!
I suspect it when down like this in actuality:
Jessa gets her hump on with Satan while Ben sits in the corner making his awkward kiss face as he signs over the rights of their first born to the dark one. ‘Cause, ya’know, front hugs lead to Black Masses and infant sacrifice every damn time.
http://i.imgur.com/HTtPsKG.gifv
**went
OOOhhh that’s a scary woman. Kind of people of Walmart who love jesus.
That is the God Warrior. She’s not here for all that dark-sided un-chris-chee-un devilry.
http://youtu.be/q3mDLsyn6ns
DARKSIDEDDD!
You shut your DARKSIDED MOUTH.
Harlot, proping up the devil with your classes full of gargoyles and sin!
DARKSIDED!
I always suspected those Duggars were dorksided slykicks, this confirms it.
They’re EVIL. Dabbling in WITCHCRAFT AND SATANIC DARK SIDED MAGICSS. GARGOYLES ARE REAL AND THEY’RE BEING BIRTHED FROM MICHELLES DARK SIDED UTERUS.
I can’t help but scream that in my head in that woman’s voice.
On a sad note, the normal, reasonable older daughter that retired to placate her in that video passed away 🙁
Jessa is such a wanton trollop that she pulled Ben into some church closet so that they could front-hug without clothes just seconds after they said their vows.
Bless you Kaiser for making me dissolve into laughter with your write up. Tis the pick me up I need in what started out as a pretty sh*tty day.
This story cracked me up!! I mean, come on! In a closet?! What lame asses. They should have done it in the belltower. All the people would be wondering who was ringing the bell, bell, bell who’s ringing the bell? Now that would have been something! These whippersnappers have no sense of adventure.
I will just go ahead an DENOUNCE THEE for posting that *gasp* kissing picture. This is a decent gossip website Missy!!
**goes on to pray the lust away**
Oh, please. Even overly-critical ME thinks this is so ridiculous. Someone is taking this a bit too far with the phony quotes. It doesn’t help that you guys are perpetuating the rumor. Shame!
They brought a lot of this on themselves, so I hope they’ll smarten up and stay off social media and out of the headlines for a while.
That blog is god given comedy. Pun intended!
LOL for days!
Hilarious! Parody blog story or not, I’m about to get my front hug on with my boo! Enjoy the weekend ladies and gents.
I hope it’s not a spoof. Please let it be true! Let at least one of these 19 kids have a rocking sex life. That’s what good old oppression of “hugs” will do! LOL!
The problem with these strict fundamentalist cults with regards to intimacy and sex, is that by making the entire dating period about chaperones and constant reminders of what a couple can’t do, in order to try to keep things “clean”, they’re actually making the entire focus about sex. That couple can’t wait to get to the alter to have sex, and because there’s so much focus on abstaining they are no doubt thinking about sex day & night. Unfortunately this tends to overshadow any type of common sense and mature reasoning as to whether this person will actually make a good life partner in the end, because the couple are just so desperate to rip each other’s clothes off and figure out the rest later. Come on 19 & 21? That’s just two big hormones coming together! This type of cult environment just breeds horny, sex obsessed communities. Look at how much Jim Bob creepily talks to his daughters on their wedding day about how they’ll be attached at the mouth, and he hopes babies come quickly etc. I find it so creepy. If my Dad talked to me that way, my skin would crawl…
This may be fake but the hickey on Ben’s neck when they left the church was not! She posted two pics of them after the wedding where it is clearly visible on instagram last night but had to delete them b/c people kept pointing it out.
Screengrab?
I didn’t take one but if you look closely at the pictures of them leaving after the wedding you can see it, its on his left side
I’d like to know how and from whom she learned to administer hickeys.
Me thinks the devil of the internet.
Also, Queen of Oregon?
I didn’t get the memo. Why didn’t you alert your subjects, majesty?! In the prefecture of portland, we have not yet heard word of Your Grace!
Hey, they waited until marriage, what else do they want from them. I don’t think they actually had sex then &, there. Ben probably had his hands on her boobs if anything. Go Ben.
I’m not a fan of this family, but some stuff goes beyond casual criticism and just becomes rude and crass. This is one of those times.
I waited to have sex until marriage for religious reasons and don’t regret it, had a great experience, etc., but one of my friends did the same and I remember talking to her a few weeks after her wedding and asked her how married life was and she said something like it was great except he wanted sex all the time(he had waited til marriage too). He was trying to have sex with her like 3 times a day for weeks and she was hating it. I felt so bad for her.
This is probably my favorite Duggar post of all time! I like Jessa and even she will probably go on to have about 20 kids, I think she will be a very different mother from Michelle. I don’t know why but I get the sense she wears the pants in this relationship. Ben doesn’t seem too bright.
I feel like the people who wait and abstain from sex until marriage, ALWAYS marry so young and it’s sort of comical, because it feels like they marry so young, just so they CAN have sex.
I pray often during sex… Oh God, oh God, OH GODDDDDDD!
Go to YouTube and watch the Kid Farm videos. You will roll
It sounds like that wanton trollop for Satan missed out on the Christian side hug song. Hopefully her sisters will see it and avoid her sinful path of premarital hand-holding and front-hugging.
http://youtu.be/Sa0EtdtPi8w
I think this is an elaborate hoax. The blog may or may not be a spoof blog but even the blog says the act of lust consisted of them groping each other fully clothed. And if it is true, I say more power to them!
I don’t live in Muerica, so I had to google these people.
OMG.
And here I thought male chauvinist fundamentalism was reserved for Saudi Arabia and the like, lol.
Wow.
Can’t believe these people have a tv show???
Is way too much make-up a sin?
Should be.
Setting aside my chagrin at the number of rules this family places on sex and dating that I find totally ridiculous and even damaging to the chances of making a happy match for themselves, I’m gonna respond with their own standards in mind.
These two people just got married. Whatever activity they participated in after the fact (marriage is the biblical remedy for lust, so if they are lustful…they’re doing it right, and the Lord saw that it was good; said that it was good; and it was good):
That woman and anyone else who walked in without knocking or looked at something private between a wedding couple after the ceremony are the ONLY people who did anything wrong. Even according to Duggar Doctrine, they’re allowed to bang each other against the coat rack if they want to. The only people who sinned here are the busybodies who didn’t give the privacy and respect warranted on a couple’s wedding day.
Gullible people on this blog
Of course, not. How silly for anyone to even believe it. Those two just getting to make out heavily for the first time for a few minutes away from everyone would be a big deal for them. They do nothing to make daddy and mommy mad at them, so like they are really going to bang at their church with all of their family around.
Oh my!! I so hope they found time in the closet!! That black and white photo is pretty hot!! Can we just photo shop the clothing off of them!! Wait for it, wait for it . . . .uh oh, PREGNANT!!!
Days later, and it is still funny!