This is a clip from Chrissy Teigen and Tyra Banks’ new show, The #FABLife, which premieres September 21. This show is geared towards women and, and it looks like the show is starting out on a heavy topic. Chrissy reveals that she and John Legend have been trying to have kids for many years. Probably five years, and they’ve been together for nearly a decade. Chrissy and John married two years ago in Lake Como. She says the “when are you going to have kids?” questions started almost immediately after they tied the knot. Chrissy advises everyone to never ask these questions (although that won’t stop your mother-in-law from pestering you at Thanksgiving). She and John have even visited fertility doctors to no avail:
“John and I have been together for so long now. I met him when I was 20, and I’m almost 30 now. Our relationship, before we even got engaged, was pretty significant too. But I will say that, just two years into being married, the questions come from all over. It’s kind of crazy. I can’t imagine being that nosy, like, ‘When are the kids coming?’ because who knows what somebody’s going through, who knows if somebody’s struggling? I would say, honestly, [that] John and I were having trouble. We would have had kids five, six years ago if it had happened, but my gosh, it’s been a process.”
[From The #FABLife on YouTube]
Chrissy has a reputation for oversharing on social media, but this is the first time she’s ever mentioned fertility problems. This seems like a sincere effort at revealing information for the sake of this show’s discussion. Perhaps it might even soften Chrissy in the eyes of her critics. Things grew even more dramatic when Tyra returns from commercial break with her own fertility saga:
“When I was 23 years old, I used to tell myself, in three years, you’re going to have kids. Then I turned 24. And then just every single year I kept saying that. And after a while, it’s like, ‘Okay, I want to, but it’s not so easy.’ Once you open up about those things with other people, you start learning that a lot of people are seeing these people [fertility doctors], and they have this shame about it. So anytime anybody asks me if I’m going to have kids, I’m just like, ‘One day, you’re going to ask that to the wrong girl who is really struggling and it’s going to be really hurtful to them, and I hate that. Stop asking me!'”
[From The #FABLife on YouTube]
Man, this is some really intense stuff. Tyra openly cried on television, and I don’t think she meant to one-up Chrissy on her personal revelation. That’s kind of what happened though. Both ladies do make a solid point. People need to stop pestering couples to have children. Why on earth do people do this? Such questions feel passive aggressive, and they usually only result in resentment. It’s just unnecessary, and whether or not someone is going to have kids is such a nosy thing to ask about.
Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet & WENN
“Tyra openly cried on television, and I don’t think she meant to one-up Chrissy on her personal revelation.”
Oh, I would bet Tyra very much did mean to do that.
lol!
Yup! I think “One-Up” is Tyra’s middle name.
Did you watch that clip though? Because Tyra wasn’t being that way for once.
I’ve seen the clip, yes. I think she was acting.
It looked like acting to me too — like something you’d see on a soap opera or when Sami Brady got caught changing up a paternity test.
That said, I did think she was making valid points. It’s just the crying made me snort a bit, because it looked kind of fake-y (maybe that’s the way she really cries though).
+1 million for the old skool Sami Brady reference
It is cruel and offensive to assume that Tyra was faking her fertility issues to trump Chrissy.
@pk
Cruel and offensive? Please spare the hyperbole in defense of Ty Ty.
If this show survives I predict a revolving door of female cohost who left because Tyra thinks she the star of the show.
I’m sure by the end of the season poor Chrissy will leave due to “scheduling conflicts” or the soap opera star excuse “to pursue other interest’.
Oh yeah. I love Tyra but she’s a total nutcase and a huge narcissist. Everything has to be about her. Heck, in ANTM we’ve had houses completely decorated with pictures of her.
That being said, I do think Tyra did feel moved by talking about this and Chrissy’s own struggles. She’s been asked about having kids before and you could tell that was a hard question for her.
This!
And the revolving panel of judges because Tyra was hell to work with.
lol if you’ve ever watched ANTM, then you KNOW Tyra basically lives for one-upping everyone around her.
“Sorry my photo shoot wasn’t the greatest Tyra, I have the flu.”
“Yeah well one time I broke both my legs and had to walk all the way to my photo shoot on them and on the way there I contracted Ebola and my arm also fell off, but I STILL smized my big beautiful butt off. If you can’t do that too, then you can’t be a model Boo Boo.”
I agree. Fake as can be, nothing new with Tyra Banks on television. Remember the scene from ANTM that became a classic, where she screamed at a girl, Ebony?, Tiffany? for giving up? “I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you! I would never yell at a girl like this!”? Fake, fake, fake, just horrible acting. That’s the way I feel about the Chrissy Teigen clip, too – Tyra trying to upstage her, and failing miserably, once more, because she is a horrible actress. No tears, just sniffing. She didn’t plan on talking about it that day? Lie.
Haha, girl of course she meant to one up her. This is Tyra banks we are talking about.
When you look at Chrissy’s Instagram account and see how she is with her niece, you can’t help but feel her love and desire for children, so reading this breaks my heart.
Celebrities speaking openly about fertility issues helps destigmatize the topic. Of course it’s s private issue but people might not feel so isolated, ashamed, and alone if they felt they could and in fact did open up.
I totally agree. I had several friends with fertility issues who all confided in me but didn’t want me to tell anyone else so I didn’t. I really wanted to get them all together in a support group or something and be like look you are all wonderful women, it’s really not a reflection on you and you are not alone, talk to each other! Support each other! I understand it’s intensely personal and I’m greatful they were comfortable enough with me to open up at all to start to get things off their chest, but in my experience at least it is pretty common. I don’t have/want kids so I think they knew there’d be no judgement from me, but all were concerned about “mommy blogger” style judgement from other women. So sad….
Chrissy’s side eye in the video still at the top of the page really says it all.
Maybe she figures if she put it out there it would stop the intrusive “when will you bless the world with your babies” questions.
That must be painful for celebs going through fertility issues.
+1
No less hurtful or mortal for non-celebs, but I can’t imagine trying to field that question in front of an audience. And because pregnancy does just happen for most of us, until you really think about it, you just don’t think how it doesn’t happen easily, if ever, for some families.
And to the people who bemoan “PC culture”: I’m glad thoughtfulness is becoming the order of the day.
She doesn’t have to be a celeb. She has a job and that is to be a model. Kate Moss is a model and most people have never read one single interview with her, forget twitter or insta posts. Chrissy has built her “career” as a celeb based on the fact that she’s someone’s wife and tends to overshare on social media about her private life and opinions. So she can’t honestly be surprised people are asking her about kids.
I have struggled with infertility for 3 years, and have had 3 miscarriages. I think we all expect to be asked about kids (famous or not) but even knowing the question is coming doesn’t make it less painful. Some days can be really difficult, it can be very hard to be around people complaining about their kids or pregnancies (not that they aren’t allowed to complain!) It just brings up painful feelings. I don’t think people realize how difficult it can be until they go through it, infertility is very isolating and painful. She seems like she’s just trying to make people more aware of how insensitive the question can be.
Not just celebs.
I had problems getting (and staying) pregnant. In our first half-year of marriage when I was 21, I went through 3 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy which resulted in the loss of my right tube. When your husband’s family tells you that you ‘lost the babies because you didn’t want them’, it really makes you bitter and angry, especially with everyone else getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. 3 years later with no signs of pregnancy and SO’s father demanding us to divorce because I couldn’t fall pregnant, I am happy to say that I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with twins via IVF. It hasn’t been easy, either! I’ve been on complete bed rest since 24 weeks so that’s a bummer.
Infertility sucks ass. Or rather, the people who are too intrusive/mean suck ass.
I’m lucky to have one miracle baby, so because I have him, everybody assumes I can have more. So, I used to get questions all the time about when I was going to give him a brother or sister and then get lectured about how awful it will be for him to be an only child! So, I totally get it. It used to bring me to tears when people would ask, but I’ve come to peace with it now.
With that said, I think most people have good intentions, they just never think about how that can be a hurtful question unless they’ve been in that situation.
oh ffs, people who go on about how awful it is to be an only child should be silenced forever. there can be lots of reasons as to why one might choose to only have one child, and none of them make for an awful life. it’s just as bad as asking newly married couples (or anyone, really) when they’re having kids. it’s a very personal choice!
Exactly I had IVF and was 40 chances were 5% but of course my partner read that not me I just skipped to what I had to do. After 1 cycle it worked but had years before I did IVF of other treatment/pills etc. As soon as he was about 1 oh you can’t just have 1 from strangers in the chemists, parks etc. I love my son but honestly I don’t mind just 1. It works for us but never ever would I mention children to couples married or not it’s not my business.
I was married 13 years before we had a baby–it was just the way we wanted it, we weren’t trying. Then our son was only only child for 7 years and I heard the same nonsense about only children. I think part of the reason he’s a great, generous older brother is because he got our full attention for 7 years.
I’m an only child and I’ve never had an issue with it, I’ve never wished for brothers or sisters, and was perfectly happy to play by myself and even chat with adults. It is absolutely NOT a sad existence. But people are so stupid sometimes, I have a friend who has 2 older half brothers and who always says “He’s so selfish, but that’s because he’s an only child.” and yet she happens to be the most self-centred person I know. Everything is relative!
@Ag-UK it’s always the moms you’ve just met at the park that are the worst! It was hard for me to accept only 1 child because I’d always dreamed of a big family all the babies close together. We didn’t know until we tried for the 2nd one that our son was a true miracle.
But, once I accepted it, I began to see the advantages. We have the time and money to allow him to choose all the extracurricular activities he wants instead of having to pick and choose between multiple kids, he gets all our attention, and vacations are def easier and cheaper! 🙂
I remember this one night telling some guy at a client party about how great my husband was and how we had one child. Later on, after several drinks, he says to me “can I ask you a private question? if he is so great, why do ye only have one child?” I found the question devastating. It called my marriage and our ability to have children into question. I just walked away but I was very cut by such insensitivity.
@Val That make me so happy to hear you are okay with being an only child! I let those peoples words get into my head sometimes.
@moohoo that’s horrible, I can’t even comprehend how anybody would think that is even remotely okay to ask!
@MooHoo I’ve encountered a similar situation myself. I’ve been married for 8 years now and suffered through a miscarriage. A friend’s husband drunkenly slurred to me that I must not love my husband enough to try babymaking again. I left in tears. I’ve even been accused of lying about my fertility issues because obviously my doctors know nothing and I just want attention. I no longer talk about having kids anymore with anyone
I’m in the same boat. I have a daughter who is turning two, and people make a LOT of assumptions and lecture me about giving her a sibling. It took forever to have her and frankly I don’t know if having a second child is in the cards for us yet.
I actually posted this clip yesterday to my public Facebook and said a few words about how you shouldn’t ever ask – when people are ready to share, they OVERshare it to the world! I promise you will know soon enough! Ugh.
@notsoanonymous: your last paragraph!! My point, EXACTLY! When and if a couple gets pregnant, the entire world will know. There’s absolutely no reason to ask anyone that question.
Oh, yes. I think people are horrible toward most women about their fertility choices, but for whatever reason I think women who’ve already had one child get more of it than most of us. I have a friend who basically got an advance on her inheritance so she could afford to do several rounds of IVF while she was still young enough for it to have a good chance of success. Her kid thrives as an only child, and having another one frankly isn’t very likely in either biological or fertility terms. For whatever reason people assume she owes her child a younger sibling she can’t afford to provide either financially or in terms of disappointment and expectation.
Ugh we too have decided on just one child and the way we get around this annoying question, especially from people who seem to think we are going to change our mind, we just say we got it right the first time, one and done!
Totally agree with everything you said. And I really do think that people ask as if having children is an automatic thing as if everyone wants children or is capable of having children. God forbid you actually tell someone that you don’t want any. A family member went into a tirade about how selfish a person I am when she asked me about having children and I had the nerve to be honest and tell her that I wasn’t interested in having kids.
Another issue I had with these people asking about children is that if s couple doesn’t have children, why ask? I mean if they wanted to have, don’t you think they would? I don’t think it’s anybody’s business to as such a question. This child that’s being pushed on women, the person asking, are they planning on financing said child? Doubtful. Sorry about the rant, but you wouldn’t believe the judgment, especially from women when they ask and I tell them that I have no interest.
I’ve gone through fertility struggles. I was put on the pill for heavy periods and it hid endometriosis until I tried to concieve. I’ve had several miscarriages.
I have been shocked in all sorts of situations to be asked if I was pregnant yet or going to have kids.
I have been asked by high level executives in group business meetings especially the year after I got married.
Once I had just miscarried. Can you imagine the pain that caused me
Shut your traps about people’s marriages; relationship status or kids. Shutup.
I am so sorry to hear that, Barrett. You are incredibly strong and brave! <3
And I totally agree, I would never ask a friend or a relative, let alone a person I barely know, why they haven't conceived yet or how long before they start having kids.
First, this is a private matter. Second, I have better and more interesting questions to ask my friends about than the state of their relationship / marriage. Third, I hate to put someone in an uncomfortable / awkward position. I am very blunt with close friends but nonetheless, it makes me cringe to see people not at ease, stumbling to find an argument..
Well, I suppose it’s somewhat relevant that some people who ask aren’t intending to cause pain and are likely unaware of the fact they might be doing so. . . .
Insensitivity is incredibly painful, though. I get that.
It’s not relevant at all, actually. This is as deeply personal an issue as what people do in the bedroom, yet nobody just walks up to someone and asks if they like it doggystyle or not. Frankly, it’s nobody’s damn business. Their intentions don’t play into it.
Rare Celebitchy typo in the heading –> strugged.
I wish people wouldn’t make women feel like having children is their inevitable destiny, which compounds feelings in these situations. (There is a heinous French expression to this effect, “faire sa vie de femme” — live your life as a woman, i.e. use your reproductive organs. Ugh.) Life is lived above the waist as well. Kids aren’t something to tick off a list, regardless of what else might be going on in people’s lives.
Teigen seems fun and kind & I wish her well. A kid would be lucky to have her as a mom. (Tyra would upstage her kid every time he tried to have a tantrum, though.)
+1 Ally8. Contrast with Kim Cattrall, whose remarks about motherhood perfectly summed up my stand on grandparenthood. I had three, because I wanted them. Now they’re grown. If they want kids, fine. If they don’t, fine. Not my business. It’s an intensely personal decision, and for people who want them and are having trouble conceiving, those questions are just piling on. Good for Teigen for speaking out.
Just to share a different experience . . . in my family/extended family I’d likely be shamed FOR having kids. Isn’t that strange?
I must admit to probably having asked this question. To answer” Why on earth do people do this?”, well just as a conversational filler, to be honest. It’s in the same line with ” so, what do you want to be when you grow up” or “so, where did you go for holidays?”, “do you have any brothers or sisters”, etc. You know, you’re just talking to someone and showing interest (either genuine or not so much) in their life. I never thought it might be a hurtful question or not a polite one. From now on I won’t be asking it, so thanks to Chrissy for bringing this up.
regardless of being hurtful, it’s a very personal question, and not something many are willing to discuss with strangers. what happened to small talk about the weather or how pretty you look today??
I have asked that question too as small talk. I learned my lesson when I asked a family member when she was going to have a second. She said probably next year, well a couple of years passed before they finally had a baby. I just didn’t realize how loaded that question can be. I still feel terrible and I don’t ask that anymore.
@ ell : Well, I have had many conversations with perfect strangers, who would tell me very personal things, so while I have never started the conversation “what’s your name and do you have any children?”, sometimes it just feels like a logical and not too intrusive thing to as, when you already talking about love, marriage, her mother or whatever. So you see, sometimes you have already crossed the boundaries of personal. And you just talk to each other on this level. That is why I am thankful to Chrissy for showing, how it could be a hurtful thing to ask.
My Husband and I struggled for 18 years to have our little girl and I was asked this question many many times and every single time it was asked it was like a little knife going through me and opening up an old wound.
I have never ever asked anyone when/if they were going to have kids and I will never ask someone if they are pregnant until I actually see the baby crowning.
It is amazing how many women and men out there struggle with fertility issues and I think that every little bit of information that can be given about it should be. We were blessed with an amazing Dr who managed to get us pregnant ( well Hubby helped a bit LOL) and every time I hear about someone with fertility issues I give them his details.
My heart hurts for those who struggle with infertility and even more for those who will never get to have a baby of their own to hold. It is an awful thing to go through and everytime you get an invitation to a baby shower or someone tells you that you are pregnant, you paste on a smile and are happy for them, even though your own heart is breaking.
I wish Chrissy the best of luck and I will keep my fingers crossed for her
So glad it worked out in the end. You’ve become a wonderful advocate. <3
18 years! Oh, Tanya, I’m so glad you got your little girl. And I admire you so much for sticking it out for so long. You’re very strong.
Thanks Ladies, and we were very lucky. Our little girl is very precious and try as we might not to spoil her family members do it for us LOL.
The thing we have to contend with now is being asked if she is our Grand Daughter, as I was 40 and hubby 46 when she was born LOL. But Thankfully we both have a great sense of humor and take it in our stride.
A woman I worked with announced she was pregnant, and then a few months later she had a miscarriage. The number of people who made comments like” It was not meant to be” or ” you’re young you can have other children” was too much.
I never made any comments other than ” I’m sorry for your loss” and gave her a shoulder to cry on. She eventually went on to have two healthy children and quit the job.
You just never know what is going on in someone’s life and to make comments even the best intentioned can be very hurtful. Think before you speak
People can be so insensitive! Ugh. How about realizing they are dealing with the death of their baby and showing empathy? Terrible.
Platitudes are THE WORST reaction. “It’s in Gods plan” “It’s meant to be” “It will work out the way it’s supposed to”
Stop being dismissive and hug the person who just confided something huge, personal and agonizing to you. It’s not a comfortable topic but don’t take the cheap way out with easy words, be a genuine friend.
A friend of mine was married for 10 years (got married right after college). A couple years ago, another friend of mine was speculating as to ehy she didny havr kids. I told her to stop being intrusive and stop speculating about it- over 2 million couples in US alone struggle with infertily issues.
I have bren asked all the time if I have kids. I tell them i don’t think i can have.
People need to mind their business.
I’m with whoever said having kids vs not having kids is an intensely personal choice. Also, I think a lot of people just can’t wrap their head around the fact that some people just don’t want children. I’m a single, professional woman and whether in a relationship or not it’s always something people ask. I’ve never asked someone that question, because it’s not even relevant in my universe. I just don’t care about marriage or kids. I’m sick of there always being an excuse from other people. “Oh, you haven’t met the right person yet. Oh, you’ll change your mind, etc etc”. If a person truly wants to have children and can’t, my heart breaks for them. My parents are like the mom above who said I had kids, my choice. If my kids do or don’t want kids, that’s their choice. Sorry for going off on a tangent there, but long story short we just need to be cool with other people’s choices, and empathize with their struggles even if we don’t share them.
Same as you, but married, but we don’t want kids. If I had a PENNY for every time someone said “Oh you’ll change your mind…” I’d be a millionaire.
Seriously? I’m 37 and already in pre-menopause (genetics, all women on my moms side got it early.) Both my mind and my body are made up, thank you very much.
Chrissy’s oversharing and overexposure annoys me a bit, but I give her credit for talking about this publicly, and am glad she has. People can be extremely intrusive and condescending regarding having children, maybe this will make someone think twice before asking or pushing their own thoughts onto someone else.
I have 2 friends who had to have hysterectomies in their early 30s. Both get the kids question often and are bothered by it. One occasionally snaps and will flat out tell the person asking why, which she should never have to do.
I am so sorry for your friends, I can only imagine how hard that would be for them.
Thank you to all of the ladies sharing your stories.
I am engaged and people ask me all the time about the wedding/if we want kids. We definitely want kids and have no problem answering the question. I’m sure I’ve asked friends the same question myself in passing conversation, nbd.
This thread has really opened my eyes. An innocent question can be devastating and open up a terrible wound. I will never ask it again. It *IS* a big deal. Hats off to Chrissy and Tyra for bringing awareness. We need more conversations like this in a time where social norms are being rewritten in so many ways.
While I already said she comes across as vapid and annoying, I can’t help reading “great mother” in her face everytime I see her. Even before knowing about her struggle, she always gave such a powerful maternal vibe. I hope she gets to have a baby (or babies) and a very happy family.
I second everything you said
This is so sad. I hope both women still get to experience motherhood, either naturally or via adoption.
Wow. Somebody give Chrissy this type of show. She’s open, speaks extremely well, and brings the drama without the drama queen vibes. Very likeable and weirdly relatable. Unlike, well, you know.
Yeah. I’m not that familiar with her, but in this clip I found her manner a refreshing change to what I usually see on chat shows. . .
I’m fairly certain she is going to be a regular on this show, but we will see how long it lasts with Tyra at the helm.
For all of the moments that people hate on Chrissy, it’s pretty easy to see in this why she is suited to a talk show. She came off very well.
Chrissy is tall but Tara looks like a giant next to her! Wow!
Must be the shoes because Chrissy is 5’9″ and Tyga is 5’10”
Tyga! hahaha..funny typo
Note to Kim K. this is what real fertility issues look like. I wish these ladies all the luck in the world in their making a baby journey as I myself prepare for my first round of IVF….. Xx
Best of luck and science wished in your direction, Mzz.
Well.. I didn’t watch the video yet, but it breaks my heart.
I’m 29, been single for the past 4 years, and never contemplated having children (still on the fence) but I am aware that the clock is ticking. But without a boyfriend it’s difficult to envision that.
Another thing that kind of terrifies me, is the fact that most of my friends – my age – and a very close relative of mine, are struggling a lot to have kids, undergoing treatments, losing and gaining and losing hope every month when the period is a little bit late. I am scared and I am sad, and I have stopped asking these questions a long time ago. We never know what people are going through, people just assume that well, you are married so you must have kids NOW, you have a boyfriend and you are almost 30, you should have 2 kids by now.
In my case “you are almost 30, overweight (to put it kindly) and alone, when are you going to have kids?”.
And recently I can’t stop thinking how my parents are hoping that i have kids, because both my sisters already have them.
Anyway… nobody knows what the next person is going through. We should just step back and show respect.
Sorry to hear that people are being rude about your relationship, child and weight status. Seems to be a common occurrence as I’m reading this thread, which is very disappointing. I wish people could be less judgemental.
If I have any advice, I would say not to worry too much – you are still quite young. I have a few friends that wanted to but were unable to have kids and are also having trouble adopting. I have others around 40 years old that are single, like it that way and don’t want kids. Many more of my friends had their children around or after age 35. I was very lucky because I put off settling down and got married at 38 then had a child at 39 quite easily. My doctor said that most people who have fertility issues will have them whether they’re 25 or 35. Either way, it’s good to get the discussion going and take the stigma away from infertility and miscarriage (which is far more common than people are aware).
That being said, we tried for another when my daughter was one year old, and I’ve now had 5 miscarriages in the past year. I’m fairly certain it is because my eggs are older and there’s more chance of poor quality eggs. From what I’ve read, before 40, if you don’t have fertility issues, your chances to conceive a healthy baby are still pretty good but after 40 it declines quite rapidly (wish I’d read more about this earlier!). So, I appreciate previous posters like MooHoo and Val who let me know that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with only having one child. And obviously nothing wrong with having none. Another child would be wonderful but I know we’re extremely lucky to have one lovely child. Never thought about how much we’ll save on vacations! I can’t imagine the airfare for a family of 4 or 5!
Thanks for posting this. Just got married in my mid-30s, but we’re still pretty unstable financially and in our living situation. We would like to have a kid, but it will probably be 2 or 3 years before we’re able to start trying. It’s nice to hear that there’s hope after 35 for a lot of people!
tealily:
I wouldn’t wait TOO long on the odd chance there could be issues, then you have more years to deal with that possibility (although I’m sure you won’t and will have a healthy child when you’re ready). But I agree, it’s nice to read success stories about older women having children and I’ve read about or personally experienced a lot. Best of luck to you!
I don’t know if I have fertility issues, have been on the pill for years. Being Asian, married for 5 years and the only married one in both my parents’ sides with no kids, I encounter this question all the time. My answer is always “Tomorrow!”.
I feel for anyone struggling with fertility. My heart goes out to them. I have been trying for 4.5 years. 2 miscarriages later I finally carried my daughter to term and the day before my c-section I learned that she had passed from an umbilical cord accident. I’ve heard every comment there is. It wasn’t meant to be, everything happens for a reason. I smile and nod but what I really want to do it tell them to STFU. My favorite is a coworker recently told me that I should be further along in my grief and that she’s surprised it still bothers me. It’s been a year and a half.
Oh Jill, that is awful. I am so sorry you’re having to deal with insensitive clods like this. Don’t they realize you never get over the loss of a child? It doesn’t matter how old she was. *hugs*
I have no words…but I wish you a blessed and fulfilling life ahead with your loved ones…
Wow. Just wow. I’m amazed at the sstupidity of some people. It’s absolutely polarising at times how people can say thing so heartless. I hope nothing gut wrenching ever happens to that co worker and some comes to them to make a backhanded comment. They are the main ones to fall apart at a drop of a hat.
Jill, I’m so very sorry, for both your loss and for what you’ve had to deal with subsequently. People are incomprehensible at times.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss – that is extremely heartbreaking. I hope you can find peace and I wish you all the best for future happiness.
My heart goes out to you. To be so close to your dream and have another heartache must have been unspeakable agony. I’m so sorry.
God, what the hell is wrong with people. I’m so sorry someone said that to you. Just ugh.
I am so sorry, both for your loss and for your having to suffer through people’s cruelty.
Jill, you are a saint for not straight-up murdering that colleague who made that dumbass comment about not being “further along” in your grief. What a stupid, cruel see-you-next-Tuesday.
I am so, so sorry for your tragic loss. Sending good wishes to you.
What a tragedy. I’m so sorry for your loss. Love to you and your family.
I’ve read most of your stories and my heart breaks for all of you. I wish closure for all your struggles. May you find strength and comfort for whatever the future holds. Keep the people that support you close and the people that bring you heart ache at a Great distance.
I was at an event a couple of months ago and was making small talk with the older woman seated next to me whom I literally JUST MET TWENTY MINUTES AGO, and she kept asking me personal questions – was I married? did we have children? why didn’t we have children? when were we planning to have children? etc., etc. When I vaguely said, “We’ll have to wait and see,” she exclaimed, “Well, you better get going! It’s harder to conceive the older you get, and you don’t want your poor husband never to experience fatherhood because of you!” Coincidentally, I was in the middle of the “two week wait” between the embryo transfer and the first HCG test (IVF). We had been trying to conceive for 4 years and had 4 rounds of treatments under our belt that had failed. I was already struggling with the guilt of my husband not experiencing fatherhood because of me, and though I’m not usually very sensitive her comment made my eyes flood with tears. It was sickening. I’m now 11 weeks pregnant and have developed a severe complication. My OB has given me only a 50/50 chance of making it to the second trimester. If I miscarry, I know the “why don’t you have kids yet?” questions will resume, and I honestly don’t know how I’ll handle them at that point. You want to keep your medical struggles private because that’s your right and your privilege, but it’s difficult to do that when people fail the most basic decency and common sense tests by thinking things like, “So, what do you plan on doing with your sex organs?” is a more reasonable way to make small talk than “Can you believe this weather we’re getting?” My husband and I went to a wedding a couple of weeks after a failed round of IUI, and when we kept getting asked about kids by people at our table, my husband snapped and blurted, “We would have one by now, but sometimes it’s not always up to us.” The table went awkwardly silent after that, and conversation was strained for the rest of the evening. I’m glad this issue has come up and that these women are making people who ask such intrusive questions realize how insensitive and nosy they’re being.
Kate, I am truly sorry for what you are going through, and I hope that it all works out! Sending you love and light. I know it means so little being that we don’t know each other, but I mean it.
Again, nobody knows the battles people are facing every day. They just feel like saying these stupid things just because “they can”. Well actually, they CAN’T. I am so upset now. Keep well, stay strong!
I can believe this. And you make a valid point. Its too personal a question. I waited 6 years after I married and honestly I had idea if i would ever be ready so the poking for info is rude.
OMG, Tyra’s crying — maybe she was being genuine, but that looked so fake.
John Legend’s wife came off way more authentic, probably because she was actually being so.
That said, both made valid points I’m not dismissing. I just had the way wrong reaction to Tyra’s sniffles — I started laughing, and then I caught myself.
I feel bad reading this. But she still looks like Grump Cat!
Since we are discussing rude and intrusive questions, we should add the ones that single people are constantly asked, “So when are you settling down?” “Have you met someone yet?” Nope or you would probably know about it. I dont have a ring on my finger do I? Just like with people desperately wanting children, there are many people who want to find their person and settle down but it hasn’t happened for them yet. Questioning their single status and the reason for it, at any age, is very inappropriate. Chances are, they might not want to be alone forever. People do date and in this world, many people don’t want to commit or settle down. It’s no one’s business and can be a very painful topic of conversation as well.
My favorite is, “So why aren’t you married yet?” The honest answer to that is, “I was, though it didn’t last long enough for you to have heard about it. He was an abusive jerk. As to why I haven’t met anyone else I wanted to marry who wanted to marry me, if I knew the answer to that, I’d be married.” Nevermind explaining being childfree and why I’m not worried about my biological clock, which isn’t fun, either.
Though I’ve noticed that women who have 3 or 4 children get interrogated as to why they had so many and whether their youngest was an accident, so people’s awfulness apparently knows no bounds.
My parents had fertility problems, too, and it took them 10 years to have children. My mum says that the worst question she ever got was “why don’t you have kids? when are you going to?” She had been trying to get pregnant since the day they got married, and people were constantly reminding her of her (perceived) failure to get pregnant and carry to term.
Thankfully, they had 3 children without the need of IVF or such things, but those 10 years of failure almost broke them.
I think many do just ask this as small talk, but we need a PSA about how small talk should avoid such hugely personal, potentially devastating questions.
Tyra’s tears look awfully fake in the video, and maybe she was being a little exaggerated because Tyra cant stand not being the center of attention, but I do believe her. She’s been asked about it several times in interviews and you can see it’s a hard subject for her.
I like Tyra a lot. People here give a hard time to attention-wh*res but I dont think that’s such a bad trait to have. In ANTM Tyra was always making efforts to make the fashion industry more inclusive and make girls feel better about themselves. She was delusional for thinking her show had any actual impact in the industry, but hey, at least she’s trying.
I think maybe it would help if the information on just how many women have fertility issues was publicized. Then people wouldn’t think it is so rare and be more thoughtful?
Many people who never had any problems just don’t think about these issues and if they were better educated on the topic, they might,.
People, in general, ask very inappropriate questions. I have one child, and when she was a baby I had Stage 4 breast cancer. The chemo and surgeries ended my hopes of ever giving her a sibling, but it sure didn’t stop people from questioning me as to why I had only one child. The way that I felt about it was if a person was close enough to me to know my story, they wouldn’t be asking me that question. People who were unaware of my circumstances obviously didn’t know me well enough to be asking such a personal question. End of conversation. My daughter is a grown woman now, and has never longed for siblings. We have a very full and complete family just the way that it is. If anything, she seems grateful to be an only because she has witnessed what jerks my siblings have been!
Until we started trying to have a kid I never thought anything re:this question.
I didn’t really care about the answer, it just seemed like something I heard other people ask or just to make conversation (this is in my 20s) once I married and decided to have a kid and it didn’t happen after the first time (like you always feared as a youngster) it made me start to worry and then the questions were coming in building anxiety. So until I was in the situation I never knew how damaging this question can be. I think generally people don’t mean any harm and if you do ask once to make conversation and they tell you they do plan to have kids just don’t ask again after that.
Sometimes people for whatever reason don’t know how to accept no. I have a good friend whose mother-in-law asked her about grandchildren literally every time they saw each other. Now, my friends husband had already spoken to his mom about the issue and told her that it was small off limit topic. During a family reunion dinner, the mil asked, AGAIN. My friend was so annoyed that her mother-in-law just wouldn’t let up, she leaned into the table and told her mil to stop watching her pus*y, and proceeded to eat her dinner. The mil was so embarrassed, she got up and stormed away from the table. That was the last time that she asked about children. It’s sad that the situation escalated the way it did, but I think that every time that someone asked my friend about her and her husband having children, it killed a little bit of her spirit. I’ve never in my life asked anyone the, “so, when…children, question.” I’m also a private person and would probably only ask a person a question that I wouldn’t mi d being asked, myself. I don’t know, that’s just me.
It’s terrible how many fertility stories I have about friends and family, for someone my age.
Wow I was not expecting it but that video made my eyes well up with tears. I think it was genuine. I have learned not to ask those questions…I had secondary infertility and joined an online support group. The comments some of them would get from ‘well-meaning’ and ‘not-so-well-meaning’ friends and family was shocking.
I have an embarrassing story….one time a co-worker came into my office and confessed she was pregnant and instead of having a normal reaction I burst into tears. I was so embarrassed. Obviously I had to tell her the real reason why to avoid looking like a total weirdo. And then I felt worse because she felt so bad and kept apologizing but I was like “nonononono it’s happy news I’m glad you told me, I just had a moment, I’m sorry for being weird.”
If you make it very clear to people- family included, that you are a private person and detest intrusive questions, I guarantee they won’t even ask you what you did over the weekend and instead will simply say, did you have a good weekend. Problem solved. Seriously just train people on how to treat you.
I can’t stand Chrissy, but I hate for any woman to have to deal with fertility issues.
The struggle may be due to the fact she smokes [and recent pictures] and starves herself? One time there was a story about her [with her in the images openly posing] being hooked up on a ‘vitamin [supposedly]’ IV before some awards ceremony, in short, she didn’t have to eat solid food or the calories.
There is no place in parenthood for vanity, in other words.