Sarah Silverman is currently promoting her new movie, I Smile Back, which appears to be a critical hit on the festival circuit. Silverman has been praised for her portrayal of a depressed wife in a “tough role,” and this doesn’t surprise me. So many comics have hidden dramatic talents, perhaps because they feel so deeply, and that includes depressive tendencies. Robin Williams, Dana Carvey, and Dave Chappelle are only a few comedians who have felt this dastardly demon pull them into downward spirals.
Silverman spoke with Glamour about her history with both depression and anxiety. She felt her first dark cloud at age 13, and she has struggled ever since. Silverman maintains with Zoloft — a lose dose because she wants to continue to feel some highs and lows. Here she talks about her experiences with panic attacks and sadness, including the times when she’s issued some very scary tweets that led her friends to worry. Sarah also worries about passing the illnesses onto her (possible future) children:
Her depression and anxiety: “It happened as fast as the sun going behind a cloud. You know how you can be fine one moment, and the next it’s, ‘Oh my God, I ***ing have the flu!’? It was like that. Only this flu lasted for three years. My whole perspective changed. I went from being the class clown to not being able to see life in that casual way anymore. I couldn’t deal with being with my friends, I didn’t go to school for months, and I started having panic attacks. People use ‘panic attack’ very casually out here in Los Angeles, but I don’t think most of them really know what it is. Every breath is labored. You are dying. You are going to die. It’s terrifying. And then when the attack is over, the depression is still there. Once, my stepdad asked me, ‘What does it feel like?’ And I said, ‘It feels like I’m desperately homesick, but I’m home.'”
On having kids: “A few years ago, I casually said something in an interview about being afraid to have kids because I might pass depression on to them, but I don’t know if I feel that way anymore. I like to think I would therapy through it (instead of helicoptering around my kids in horror that something is wrong with them, like my character Laney). A part of me is baby crazy. A part of me goes, Why not? And every day I add ‘Freeze eggs?’ to the end of my to-do list. Then it keeps getting passed on to the next day’s list. Maybe I’ll adopt. I do have sorrow about the possibility that I may never have my own children.”
Her ongoing journey: “And I still have downward spirals, days when I have to drag myself onstage to do stand-up or I’m just tweeting Morrissey lyrics from my bed. But there’s one thing I know that I used to not know: It will pass. And it does. Usually after 24 hours or so of wallowing in depressing music and being the Sylvia Plath of social media, a friend will reach out: ‘Are you OK? I saw that tweet.’ And I’ll sort of snap to it, brush myself off, and get back to life. I’ve learned that keeping busy is a good thing for me. Like my mom always said, you just have to be brave enough to exist through it.”
[From Glamour]
I agree with Sarah about how the term “panic attack” is often misunderstood, much like other ailments like OCD. People use the terms for hyperbole, like, ohmygodimsofreakedout over a date or a job interview. But when you’ve actually had a panic attack, you literally feel like you may be dying. You can’t move because of the pressure on your chest, you can’t see because of tunnel vision, and you can’t feel anything but waves of heat. So sure, some of the more shallow people in LA probably drive Sarah nuts by saying they’ve had ohmygod panic attacks too.
As for Sarah’s thoughts on freezing her eggs, she’s already 44, so she’s probably joking. It makes sense that she’d worry about passing her depression and anxiety onto children, but there is always adoption if she wants to go that way.
Photos courtesy of WENN
OMG I just like literally had a panic attack *eye roll* smh
Really? That’s your take away?
NOOOOO, I mean how these vapid people take it so lightly, like when Kylie said she almost had a panic attack when her sister left her on the red carpet. It was misunderstood it was suppose to be more of a quote from airheads.
This is a very good, candid interview. I enjoyed reading her insights into mental health. I don’t always love her comedy but I find her to be very articulate and thoughtful in the interviews she gives.
“It feels like I’m desperately homesick, but I’m home”. OMG exactly. Perfect description.
I know, I’ve never heard it phrased that way and it is perfect.
Like LB, I also don’t love her comedy but have come to find her insightful and thoughtful.
Normally she gets on my nerves, but she is spot on here. Those are some true words she has spoken.
This was a great interview. Too often I feel some of these type interviews are celebs jumping on the bandwagon, I was bullied in school, etc. But this interview really was very revealing.
I still loved Sarah and Jimmy Kimmel together, though. I know. I know. They’ve all moved on. But they were cute together.
She really got into her experience with depression in her book, I think it’s called Bedwetter. I haven’t always loved her comedy but I am definitely a fan. More honest talk about this subject is needed.
I used to have to pull over if I had a panic attack while driving because tunnel vision, and you think you’re going to pass out. Def not the same as just getting worked up about something.
The first panic attack I had took me to the hospital because I *for sure* thought I was having a heart attack. My entire left arm went completely numb, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see straight and I felt so overwhelmingly overwhelmed. Pure panic. It was tough. Now I’m much better at recognizing when I’m on the brink, and I usually take half of the lowest dose of Xanax to pass through it.
I’m excited about mental health being talked about more and more by celebrities. It’s a conversation that needs to happen.
Also, I love Sarah Silverman. She was incredible in “the last waltz” with Michelle Williams.
She used to drive me crazy, but seeing her in more candid situations (like in the movie TIG on Netflix, if you haven’t seen it…SEE IT.) I think she’s mellowed out and become much more well spoken as she got older.
Love Sarah! What’s TIG? I love anything with her in it!
Anniefannie: TIG is about the comedienne who, after being diagnosed with cancer in both breasts, did a whole set about having cancer. Sarah Silverman isn’t in it in a large way, but she is one of Tig’s best friends and seeing her in little clips visiting TIG in the hospital or opening for her show, it really endeared me to her.
And TIG, the movie, is a feel good movie. And she’s such a great comic!! Watch it if you can!!
I appreciate it when people in the spotlight are candid about their mental health issues. It can feel very isolating when a simple trip to the grocery store sends a cascade of panic throughout your body. I suffered (mostly in silence) for years before learning how to manage (and eventually almost quiet entirely) panic attacks.
good post! that is all 🙂
I want to pin this interview on my wall.
Thankfully my experience with panic attacks didn’t last too long, but I’m doing my best to show depression who’s the boss every day.
I don’t know much about Sarah, but she’s definitely gone up in my estimation.
I find her thoughts on having children very relatable, but the way some people see adoption as a solution to their problems makes me feel uneasy. Adoption can bring joy and happiness to both parent and child, but adoptive children need stable, safe environment and often require more knowledge, effort and understanding than biological kids. They shouldn’t be treated as the last resort.
+100000 Adoption should not be viewed as a way to replace your dream of biological children. Parenting an adopted child will be different. Adoptees, even when adopted as a newborn, enter life from a place of loss. Parenting a child who will struggle more greatly with identity, due to the loss of first family, should not be undertaken lightly.
I completely get what she’s saying about panic attacks. I have a severe panic disorder and PTSD and it is terrible. Can’t breathe, chest hurts. Friends that will sympathize and try to relate but I think people that don’t suffer from this really have no idea how bad it can be.
I hate them, they come out of nowhere and is all consuming. It takes time, counselling and an amazing support system to deal with them. It is sometimes a day to day or minute to minute struggle. I have never been a huge fan of her but she is absolutely correct in this interview. It helps when it is discussed because they can be so isolating, it took me a long time to even tell my husband what was going on.
I wish for health and happiness for all that suffer from depression and mental health issues, it isn’t easy.
I liked a lot of what she said. The last paragraph made me raise an eyebrow, though. If you can “snap to it, brush yourself off, and get back to life,” you’re not clinically depressed. Depression is relentless. Yes, there are things you have to do to make sure you’re at your best, and you can possibly do what she said if your medication is working and you just have some normal mood swings that everyone gets. But if you are depressed, clinically depressed, you can’t just pull up your socks and stop it. You might look to the world like you’re functioning and fine, but inside you’re screaming in pain.
Yes, it did sound a little off at first, but then I thought about a dear friend who has suffered for decades. She has even had Electric Shock Therapy. That’s exactly what she has to do to live. She never get’s higher than fair, and most of the time she is faking it, but without dragging herself out, to work, etc. she would probably be dead. And I think the fair days have a lot to do with her forcing herself out and thinking about the job at hand.
My sister does this too. When you’ve been through your first depression, as I understand it from my sister, you have the experience that it is something that can pass and that makes it easier (again, my sister’s experience) to do something when you’re getting that feeling again. It makes her feel less small and more in charge. Because the first time it feels like it will never end.
Yes – I am the same way. You understand intellectually that it will be ok and you learn ways to cope, even when you feel like shit. The first 4 years of my depression were horrible, and now I know how to deal when it hits. But it’s kind of transitioned from depression to anxiety, which is a bit easier to learn how to cope with.
I think she was describing her experience of it now that she’s on treatment…she’s still clinically depressed because depression is a chronic condition, but the Zoloft is getting her to a place where comments from friends, and going through the motions of everyday life, can help her.
Unfortunately, untreated people or people whose treatment isn’t working have experiences exactly like the one you’re describing so well, which are unbelievably hard.
That makes more sense to me. Thanks.
I’m bipolar I and II and OCD, multiple anxiety disorders and clinically depressed (which is different than bipolar depression)
And no the depression doesn’t just go away but you can do things to snap yourself into a more functioning place. Like you have to if you have kids.
It’s funny but I find washing my hair helps me to make a (clean) start.
People in LA do throw around the term “panic attack” all the time. I have no idea how many believe they are having one or just trying to be dramatic, words don’t seem to have much value here. I do not suffer from panic attacks so I cannot answer to that part of this interview but the “sun behind the cloud” and “being homesick but you are home” are apt and clear descriptions. Putting these conditions, disorders – however people choose to refer to them – in ways that everyone can understand does so much for the discussion.
Panic attacks and an anxiety disorder took my life away in my early twenties. I felt so alone. And when someone is glib like that I also feel like “person, you know not that of which you speak!”.
I used to feel like my tongue wouldn’t work to talk, I would stare at my hands and feel they were not my own, they were numb. I would sit in the shower for an hour, until the water was cold, trying to find one thought to focus on, one anchor in the world of racing thoughts. And I couldn’t. And yes I felt like I would die every time for years.
I’m not trying to say “poor me” though. I got help and I am strong and I haven’t had a real panic attach in two years now. I have so much respect for Sarah for speaking about this so candidly. It would have helped me to hear this, I might have called out for help sooner if I knew it was something we could talk about.
Its not just LA – i hear people saying it all the time, on the bus, tube etc.. usually in the context of ‘he looked over at me and OMG i almost had a panic attack’. Makes me cringe – these silly people have no idea what a real panic attack is.
Anxiety is a bitch. Wish it was something I could rid myself of. I have learned to distract myself when I start to feel it coming on but that doesn’t always work.
I really like it that she is speaking about these illnesses.
And she uses words and methaphers who everybody can understand.
for me it was quite frightening to read about it, I`m in tears now.
I have 15 years ago suffered on depression and panik attacks and I suddenly had the same feeling like then when I read it.
I couldn`t talk to people about it then. Nobody could understand.
Many people want to understand but they can`t. It´s so difficult to explain.
I became children without the fear of having to pass it on them.
Now my son has Asperger Syndrom… and it is again the same. It`s so difficult to understand what`s going on in him.
Therefore I appreciate everybody who speaks about mentall illnesses and things like that. It helps everybody to understand more.
I’m glad she’s drawing attention to it. Panic attacks are so so scary and hard to explain to someone who has never had one. I watched my best friend have one in high school and didn’t fully understand. I drove her to the hospital and we sat in the parking lot while she was struggling to breathe. Then I had my first one about 5 years ago and it was so frightening. My most recent one my husband had no idea what was going on – I was just gasping for air, kept telling him I was a worthless awful person and everyone hates me (not true, but I felt like it) and kept telling him to go away. The doctor wants me to go on Zoloft too but so far I have been resisting, although my stress and anxiety levels are pretty high (although I am not at all depressed). I’m just not ready to be medicated daily yet. Good for Sarah sharing her experiences, and letting others know they are not alone in depression and anxiety issues.
I’m in the same exact place. My anxiety is off the charts. I can hardly drive anymore due to having panic attacks while on the road. My doctor prescribed lexapro and ativan, but I just can’t bring myself to take either.