Guess is really trying to prove that they’re a hip, edgy fashion line. And what better way to do that than with some classy shots of Paris Hilton using her dog to cover her man cave? Paris has modeled for the brand since 2004, though those ads didn’t make me feel quite so sick to my stomach. Nor did that little voice in my head whisper “Call PETA… NOW!” They really should have an urgent hotline for things like this.

In the last five years Miss P has artfully mastered the vacant bedroom eyes that supposedly convey unbridled sexiness. At least according to advertisers. Personally, if someone I was about to sleep with had that serial killer stare that Paris is always working, I’d grab my machete – just in case. I will never understand why that’s supposed to look attractive, nor how it conveys sensuality.

It does, however, convey emptiness, and emphasize Paris’ already flat affect. I imagine Guess put out a casting call that looked something like this:

****WANTED****
Tall blonde, bad weave, long legs, canoe feet. Must provide own small dog for crotch shots. Flat affect/I.Q. under 85 a +. Call Ron.

Paris is photoshopped into oblivion, so I can’t comment much about her appearance apart from her eyes. Why do they airbrush that way? Do the retouchers really think we’ll buy that people are supposed to look like they have hard, shiny, plastic legs?

Here’s Paris in all her glory. The first half photos are from Guess’ upcoming Spring/Summer 2009 campaign. The rest are from Paris’ other Guess ads.