As much as it pains me, there’s too much Lohan news today after her big arrest to ignore. I’ll attempt to cram as much of it as possible into one post, and spare you the bullshit updates that are sure to come later in the day.

People are talking about Lohan’s dysfunctional family, including the reactions of her estranged parents, what possible jail time Lohan faces on this her second DUI arrest in under three months, and how this will affect her ailing film career. There are also all these details to clarify about what actually happened that night in terms of the car chase and the assistant who either quit or was fired. I’ll cover all these points while rolling my eyes and shaking my head.

The reaction of Lohan’s family
Lohan’s father, who got out of jail on multiple assault and his own DUI charges this March after serving less than two years out of a four year sentence, is taking advantage of this opportunity to get paid for interviews.

As part of the court ruling during his custody battle for Lohan’s mom over their two younger kids he is not allowed to have any contact with Lindsay. He certainly can talk about her though. He told TMZ that he wanted to put aside differences with Lindsay’s mother so that they could work together to help their troubled eldest child:

“I want to withdraw everything — court wise — sit down with Dina as Lindsay’s parents and figure out how to help her. Lindsay can’t do this on her own … when we were together, none of this was happening.”

[TMZ]

He also told People Magazine he was “heartbroken” and “devastated” and said “It’s killing me, it’s ripping me apart.”

Meanwhile White Oprah has been criticized for not flying to be by Lindsay’s side immediately on learning about her latest DUI bust. She’s also predictably talking to the news outlets, and gave The Insider an exclusive interview that probably earned her a few designer outfits:

“We are doing everything in our power in support of Lindsay and I won’t give up – this is my daughter and we love her,” Dina Lohan tells The Insider.

The actress was arrested early Tuesday morning on suspicion of drunken driving – her second drinking-related arrest in three months. She was booked for DUI, possession of cocaine, transporting a narcotic into a custody facility and driving on a suspended license, according to police.

“I am sick over this,” Dina says. “My children, my family, we are like prisoners in our own home because paparazzi [are stalking us] outside [our] home. Lindsay is in a safe place, and we are trying to strategically work out our next step.”

[From People.com]

It looks like Dina had some recent work done on her face, so maybe she was recovering and that explains why she couldn’t jet out to help Lindsay right away.

Possible jail time for Lindsay
Lindsay has both court appearances for her separate DUIs scheduled for August 24. It is unknown if this was deliberate or not on the part of the judge setting the date for her second arraignment. If convicted of both DUI offenses, she faces a mandatory 48 hours in jail out of a minimum 10 day sentence. She could face up to a year in jail if she’s found guilty of both DUIs.

She could get up to five years in jail for possessing cocaine, but since she had small amounts in her car and on her person when she was arrested the second time she can claim the drugs were for personal use and get drug counseling under something called Prop 36 in California law:

Prop 36 would mean no jail time and require that she participate in a year long drug diversion treatment program. At the successful completion of the program, the drug charges are removed from your record. Lindsay would have to agree to this program before trial.

[US Weekly]

Whatever happens, I bet Lohan spends at least some time in jail. Lohan was arrested for her DUIs in Beverly Hills and in Santa Monica, which are both in Los Angeles county. If convicted and sentenced to jail, she’ll be doing time in Paris’ old haunt, the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood.

Lohan’s career
The producers of Lindsay’s upcoming movie with Shirley Maclaine, Poor Things, denied an earlier report that the film was scrapped due to Lohan’s antics in Vegas immediately following her rehab stint. Now that she’s been arrested on another DUI and drug possession charge, the status of the movie is understandably up in the air. They say the film is moving forward soon, and that they’re optimistic about it. No word on whether they’re going to dump Lohan.

Lohan’s new thriller I Know Who Killed Me is out this Friday! As Lohan is currently in an undisclosed rehab, she will hopefully hide her freckled mug for a while and resist going to the premiere, but it’s got to kill her to not attend.

US Weekly reports that if the film tanks at the box office it could be the end of Lohan’s movie career. She’s still got her singing to fall back on, and was blabbing just last week that she planned to make another album and launch a tour like Madonnas.

Lohan was said to be trying to sell pictures of herself to x17 for $30k in the days before her arrest. It’s possible she’s fighting for liquidity, as Ken Lay’s wife once put it so eloquently.

What really happened that night
Was Lohan chasing her assistant who just quit and called police on her or was she being chansed by paparazzi?

Lohan sent a text message to Billy Bush of Access Hollywood claiming:

Yes. I am innocent… did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy.

[TMZ]

TNZ reports that Lindsay and the mother of her old assistant (who she is still supposedly on good terms with) were being chased by at least one other car at the time:

Sources connected to Lindsay tell TMZ both Lindsay, who was driving a Denali, and the Escalade in front of her, driven by the mother of Lindsay’s former assistant, were both being chased in a “unsafe and threatening” manner.

We’re told there may have been more than one vehicle chasing the duo, though we do not know the identities of those drivers. We could not confirm if paparazzi were chasing the cars. One thing we do know: there are no known photos of the incidents.

[TMZ]

So whatever happened, Lohan was driving drunk while either chasing someone or being chased. It’s a good thing she got taken in that night.

The future for Lohan and for the rest of us hapless bystanders
The media storm hasn’t even begun in this case. TMZ was all over it yesterday, but the mainstream news is just starting to smell blood in the water. This shit is going to be all over the place, and I’ll cover it while trying not to go overboard as you’re sure to hear all about it on CNN, Fox, MSNBC, and any print or Internet source you care to read.

As for what’s going to happen to Lindsay I can’t help but think she’ll love the attention. She won’t enjoy going to jail, but this is only going to make her more famous. This is one of the girls who started the crotch-flashing trend. She doesn’t care what kind of attention she gets, and a little stint in jail is not going to change her. Yes, she’s troubled and addiction is a hard disease to conquer, but there’s something to be said for personal responsibility and for not putting other people’s lives at risk by driving drunk.

She’s f’ed up, but not as clueless as Britney. She’ll still make money somehow, and I bet she’ll go back to behaving badly while launching a halfway decent music career after this.

Brian Fairrington, Cagle Cartoons

Images from I Know Who Killed Me, TMZ, and The Insider.