Jennifer Aniston’s mother Nancy Dow passed away in May of this year. Dow had been in poor health for many years, and it’s believed that Aniston did pay her mother one final visit in her last months. Aniston and her mom had been estranged for the better part of two decades, for good reason. In interviews, Aniston always gave the impression that her mother treated her mainly as competition, and once Aniston became famous, Nancy believed that she (Nancy) should profit from her daughter’s success. Aniston did say a decade ago that they had reconnected, although many believe that there was still a deep estrangement and that they were never going to really be close. I never blamed Aniston for that estrangement – Dow always seemed like a really manipulative piece of work, and sometimes you just need to disconnect.
A few months back, In Touch Weekly claimed that the estrangement was so deep that Nancy had cut her daughter out of her will as one final screw-you. I believed it. Just as I believe this story, that Jennifer’s final screw-you to her mother was that Jennifer didn’t even want her mom’s cremains.
Jennifer Aniston’s ambivalent feelings towards her late mom – who died three months ago at age 79 – continue. Now comes word that the 47-year-old Mother’s Day star is refusing to take Nancy Dow’s ashes and wants them nowhere near her, according to a report in In Touch Weekly. Jennifer attended the memorial service but when she was asked if she wanted to take Nancy’s ashes, the actress reportedly said no.
‘She said, “I don’t want them,”‘ a source close to the family told the publication, adding: ‘Someone tried to say that Jen thinks having the ashes around her home is morbid, that it’s not her style.’
Jennifer’s rejection came as somewhat of a shock to family and friends in spite of the distant mother-daughter relationship.
‘Everyone knows that she and Nancy had a horrible relationship,’ the source continued. ‘She was an absentee daughter and now, even with Nancy gone, it seems that she still doesn’t want her mom around.’
Jennifer and Nancy’s ‘feud goes beyond the grave,’ In Touch Weekly reported. The former Friends star had not seen her mother in several years, not since Nancy’s stroke in 2011. Then last spring, Jennifer flew to Los Angeles to say her final goodbyes to Nancy, who the source described as ‘sick, frail and alone’ during her final months before she passed away on May 25. In Touch Weekly reported that Jennifer’s husband, Justin Theroux, attended the memorial with his wife. The source told the publication that Justin ‘still thought Jen would take the ashes.’
Again, I don’t blame Jennifer at all. Why would she want the ashes of a woman she barely knew, liked or loved? I wonder what Aniston’s therapist says about all of this! It could have been a moment to say goodbye to the past, perhaps taking the ashes and spreading them into the ocean or something. Or maybe Aniston already said her goodbyes and she has no interest in the ashes, full-stop. Also: I’m not one of those “ashes are morbid” people, but then again, I was sort of raised to believe the Hindu tradition of funeral pyres are quite normal/expected.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
This is her choice. I really hope people stop judging her for this. I’m estranged from my so-called “parent” so I understand.
I agree. She should do whatever keeps her whole. Sorry for your situation.
I’m just gonna use this place to inform people about the awesome subreddit called Raised By Narcissists. If you have a toxic parent/relative, check it out. Some people deserve to be cut off, no matter who they are.
@qwerty: Thank you so much for the link.
And I agree. For someone who hasn’t had that kind of problems with a parent it might seem strange but if you have, you totally get it.
@qwerty thank you so so much for the link! I’m the granddaughter of a Narcissist Parent and the damage inflicted on my mom is heartbreaking. That subreddit is gonna help my mom SO much so again THANK YOU!!
Thank you for sharing the subreddit, and for all of you for sharing your stories. I was also raised by two abusive narcissists, and I can’t imagine taking my mother’s ashes. You really can’t understand what it’s like to feel absolutely hated by your own birth parents unless it happens to you. I’m no JA fan, but I have nothing but support for her decision. You have to keep boundaries with these people, and you are constantly having to enforce them. It’s exhausting.
Reading the comments here has been therapy! Thank you.
+100
OMG, absolutely agree! I cannot imagine how creeped out I would be if someone tried to foist my estranged father’s ashes onto me. GAAAAAHHH.
(On the other hand, he’d probably do a world of good to my veggie patch)
Who knows if the story is true. But if it is, I can’t judge her for not wanting the cremains. Neither of my parents raised me and I’m not close with either of them. I can’t imagine being expected to take/make decisions about their remains. They have other children with whom they have proper relationships. It would feel disrespectful to just take it and toss it, but I would want to keep it either. So it would make sense for my other siblings to deal with that.
You don’t have to scatter cremains or keep them. Cremains can be buried in a grave. You can put three people’s cremains in one grave.
That way, you can put up a stone with names, dates, an appropriate saying. My parents cremains lie together. My developmentally disabled brother will join them when the time comes.
My mom was cremated and had made arrangements with the funeral home before she died to have her ashes buried next to my dad.
I refused my great-grandmother’s cremains.
I hadn’t seen the woman since I was five, none of her children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren went to her funeral, but she willed her ashes to me, of all people.
It was hell trying to figure out how to get rid of those things legally.
My husband and his brother refused their father’s ashes. The man was awful. He abandoned Mr. Goats and his brother to an extremely abusive mother and stepfather, while promising to show up and rescue them. Spoiler alert, he never did. When my husband got older, his dad only showed up to ask for money.
Hub’s aunt ended up taking the ashes and cut my husband and his brother out of the obituary entirely because she thought their behavior was selfish. No great loss.
Ugh. What is it with terrible family members?
The terrible parent thing seems to skip a generation in my family. My great-great grandmother sucessfully parented seven-out-of-eight children, the great-grandmother being the loss there. Then my grandmother is a normal, empathetic person with hangups like everyone but still a good person in general. My mother? Hellspawn. My grandmother says it started from the time she was a toddler and no amount of therapy seemed to help. I like to think I’m a good parent, so here’s hoping neither of my daughters goes crazy any time soon, *fingers crossed*
So, I empathize with your poor Mr. Goats. I effectively divorced my mother when my grandmother and grandfather adopted me when I was nineteen. I never had a relationship with my biological father, so the father I had growing up with *technically* my step-father, although to me he was always just my Daddy. CPS ended up taking me away from my mother and placing me with my grandmother. I hadn’t spoken to my mother in years until my Dad’s funeral last year because, of course, despite being divorced for nearly twenty years she had to show up and make it all about her. They divorced when she lost custody because he only stayed for me, so she slapped (pregnant!) me in front of everyone and claimed they still would have been married if it weren’t for me. Maybe in delusion-land.
The years of therapy I’ve gone through have helped tremendously, but sometimes I’m still shocked at the depths of narcissism some people dwell in.
@byland: I hope you slapped her back. I sure would have.
Carmen, I admit that I did not . . . but only because my Grams got to her first.
I’ve never seen an 87-year-old woman move so fast in my life and then my uncle promply had her removed.
@byland, I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. Having said that, oh my, what a funeral. And bless your Grams!
@Byland
I have to admit, I completely teared up at the idea of your 87 year old Grams moving so fast to protect you.
Thanks, @Izzy. It was a spectacle, which my Dad would have hated, but I’m sure he would have very much approved of my mother being arrested the next for assaulting me. I like to think of it as him having one last laugh at her expense. And I think as sweet as my Grams is she enjoyed slapping my mother, as much as she could enjoy anything with one of her children dead.
@LizLemonGotMarried and @Izzy, my Dad was such a great guy. He never once told me I couldn’t do something because I was a girl/too little/etc.. He worked in the electronics field most of his life and when I wanted to learn more about what he did for a living he gave me in-depth lessons on semi-conductors, taught me how to solder, learned all about astronomy with me when I showed an interest – even going so far as to ask a friend who worked at NASA to give me a private tour. He very much encouraged my interest in anything and everything STEM-related – in anything I showed any kind of interest in, really. The boxing lessons were awesome, but the drum lessons really showed the depth of his commitment. His poor eardrums.
He got it from his mom, as his father was pretty crappy himself. I wasn’t much more than a toddler when he came into my life and the very first time I met my Grams was at my birthday party. Our introduction went something like this,
“Happy birthday, byland. I’m your grandmother. You can call me Grams like your cousins do or anything else you want.”
The end.
She’s never once shown a preference between me or any of my uncle’s kids. I actually named my oldest daughter after my Grams’ mother and my Grams herself, first and middle, respectively.
(ETA: Sorry this was so long! It’s coming up on a year since he died and things are starting to resurface for me as the anniversary looms.)
To be honest, I love my parents but I would never take their cremains with me. I prefer the grave-in-a-cemetery solution. You can visit them and at the same time you can live the rest of your life in peace.
I agree. When my toxic parent died, I had no interest in any of the final arrangements. Did not ask, did not attend them, did not offer to pay for any of it, and would have refused ashes.
I had a very challenging relationship with my mother, so I am completely willing to cut Aniston slack on this. My mother was raised by a narcissist and my mother was one too. I don’t think my mother set out to be a bad parent but the damage took me decades to work through. She died a few years ago and at that time, I was on relatively good terms as I had been able to look at myself as an adult who could have or not have a relationship with my mother. Even at 47, I’m sure her mother’s death was an emotional wallop that brought back a lot of difficult stuff for Aniston.
And yeah, I think ashes are icky.
Darkladi I agree. I also understand what you’re going through as I am going through the same with both parents. Parent/children relationships are not cookie cutter and people that have wonderful relationships with their parents will never understand.
Me too. Mother has borderline personality disorder. She was exceptionally cruel to me, before I cut her out. I 100% agree with Jen if she did this.
As do I. I was raised by a toxic parent. I have no desire to revisit that part of my life and would refuse ashes as well. The family he actually stayed with can take care of that.
True. No one knows what happens behind closed doors.
Some people are just toxic in your life. It doesn’t matter if they are blood or raised you. If they continue to make you feel so miserable everytime you are around them, then you need to come away from all that. I speak from experience.
I agree.
I am in this situation now and the toxicity and hatred can destroy you.
I do what I have to do to see that she has the care she needs while she continues to malign me to anyone who listens.
She continues to claim that she doesn’t know how or why no one visits her because she’s never done a thing.
The manipulation, drama and lies are daily…and it’s draining, troubling and maddening.
I fully support anyone who needs to stay away for self preservation.
But those who judge will never go away.
They’re always there with no right to judge, but that just is.
MYRNA I am you!!! When my evil and abusive mother became aged and infirm, I tried for years to take care of her – while all she did was create drama and insult me. She drove my brother to suicide and tried to starve my father to death, all the while talking about what a wonderful mother and wife she was. FINALLY I stepped back. She is cared for and I set myself free. I no longer speak to her – it’s pointless. The difference in my life is dramatic! She is a soul-sucking demon who disguises herself as a poor little old lady. I am not a fan of JA, but I back her up on this.
This is the kind of “relationship” my mother has had with her mother for the past 25-30 years. They haven’t spoken in probably almost as long…15-20 years at least.
My granny also doesn’t talk to any of her grandchildren or her other daughter and she’s never even met her baby granddaughter.
My heart breaks for my mother who is a wonderful person and to this day, she often defends her mother (whom I despise) when faced with criticisms of her.
It’s just in my mom’s nature to be empathetic and understanding, even thought this awful woman has been nothing but cruel towards her.
I 100% understand and support you ladies in your decision. I completely believe that some people are simply toxic and should be removed from our lives. That being said, it has to be so enormously unbearable when that person is your own mother. My relationship with my mom is one of the most important relationships in my life. I would never EVER let anything rupture that bond, partly because of what I’ve seen her mother do but mostly because I’m lucky enough to have a wonderful person for a mother.
I wonder if your mothers will die alone, lonely, isolated, bitterly clinging to their pride like a life raft.
Because I am certain that this is the inevitable fate of my granny and selfish mothers everywhere.
From one internet stranger to another, you have all my empathy. Truly. You ladies are stronger than you’ll ever know. ♥
kitten said it better than I ever could. I also have a good relationship with my mother, and I cannot imagine how hard and painful it must be to have a toxic relationship with the ONE person who’s supposed to always be in your corner and on your side. I don’t blame any of you for how you handle YOUR OWN relationship – you have to do what’s best for YOU.
I imagine earthquake survivors and survivors of all sorts, in my imaginings to support myself. To spring from a poisonous root has required all of my life force to endure – and for What?! (Bullshit on Heaven and Hell!)
For those who cannot imagine cutting out a toxic parent because of the depth of the bond you have with your own non-toxic parent, the thing is, we never had that bond to begin with, so what you imagine losing (and how hard that would be for you) we never had. The pain and guilt we work through is totally different. It is not the loss of something wonderful that we fought to save but couldn’t. It is the pain of acknowledging that we never had and will never have a supporting, loving relationship with them. That no matter what we do, it will not change. Of letting go of the guilt that we are the problem. Of the pain of people judging us because they have no clue what we’ve been through. No one begrudges you your healthy relationship, but you really can’t walk a mile in our shoes, because we’ve never had shoes and don’t know what they feel like.
@Nicole (the Cdn one)
omg, you said that so clearly and beautifully.
Thank you.
This is so true. We are told family is the most important thing in life, repeatedly. Walking away from a toxic family member was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do – I felt as if I was betraying the family. But it was a very healthy move for me.
I can understand Anniston’s refusal.
Belle and punky.
Can’t tell you what it means knowing others out there get it.
I’ve spent my life taking care of this woman who maligns me saying the most awful things about me which is incredibly embarrassing, hurtful and making me nuts.
I’ve stepped away (she pushed me actually) and people in extended family are criticizing me for not being present.
She’s now sick and it’s me sitting in the ER for 12 hrs again as I’ve done dozens of times over the years and I’ve missed work all week tending to her needs and whims.
Yet she makes the most awful allegations against me to nurses all week in my presence and is telling all who will listen that I’m trying to kill her and have a policy on her.
I could go on for pages of the lies, drama and hate.
It will drive me mad if I let it!!!
Thanks for listening 😔
JA not my favorite but I could never question or judge anything she’s done re her “mother.”
If people judge any of you, try to ignore them.
I was fortunate enough to have good parents, and I took care of them for years. Yet I have two relatives (their siblings) who are a lot like what several of you describe as mothers. They make me feel miserable, mostly because of how they ignored my sweet parents once my parents were unable to be any ‘use’ to them. I have greatly limited my contact (I told my parents I planned to do this, and they didn’t argue against it). Yet I get the ‘but they’re family’ comment.
I personally don’t think family (including parents) have the right to be snarky, spiteful and manipulative, which is how my two aunts behave (in their 80s — it never changes). I am happier ignoring them.
@myrna, honestly, the next time she pulls that in front of hospital staff, you need to stand up, grab your things, and say “That’s it. I’m done. Done with your lies. Done with your manipulations. I don’t have a policy and don’t want your money. I just want you to leave me the hell alone.” And walk out, and never look back.
No one could blame you. If your family does, let them take over the caregiving.
Thanks everyone else for the support.
@Izzy
The nutty thing is there is NO money.
I’ve paid out of pocket for years for her care.
She won’t acknowledge it and when she’s reminded that I am the only one for my entire adult life caring for her, she twists things.
It’s exhausting.
She’s a classic Cluster B as they classify her – Narcissistic, histrionic…etc.
You can never win.
Believe me, I’ve fantasized about abandoning her.
The abuse consumes me.
But I’m not able…it goes against who I am, and I would never want my children to think badly of me.
So I continue to be sure she’s OK while keeping my distance.
All of the noise from others fueling her and judging oftentimes feels like an unmanageable burden, but I have no choice.
Thanks to you as well for the support and for listening!
That alone helps so much.
@ Myrna, you are a much better Person than me, i would not care for her, never Pay for her, but i have Siblings, who benefit from her Money and all that, so i moved on and i’m done with her for good.
No Toxic Narcissists for me anymore.
The good thing is, now i can easily recognize when a Narissist kross my path, maybe this will Help, to avoid further Pain in that department.
@Myrna, someday you will have a very clear conscience. And you have set a great example for your children of serving others.
I truly hope you can “float above” her inexcusable behavior and realize every moment that it’s her, not you. It’s her loss that she didn’t appreciate a devoted daughter who has gone above and beyond for her. I also hope you can someday distance yourself from what sounds like a few (blank) stirrers, who can be exhausting and feed the drama.
I appreciate the perceptive comments – sometimes I have a difficult time soothing myself. Even now, I keep wishing that it wasn’t true – yet, my mother is incurable sick and vile.
I try not to think about what she has “accomplished” – two brothers who committed suicide, and more. The horror of it is overwhelming. Currently, I am trying very hard to not think too much about it – it is a Vileness that can seep into my bones, and make me wish to die. And She Is My Mother! On the other hand, I can hate, yet it poisons my days and makes sleepless my nights. I will not share my life with hate.
The Earth Is My Mother, right? – it’s very confusing… I really respect those of you who have moved on… I’m still hung up on being a good daughter (like I’ve tried my whole life), or finally, accepting myself (???). I truly envy those who had hugs and kisses.
@belle & wolf – want to say how sorry I am for the losses you suffered at the hands of your mothers.
Just horrible…
And, again, thank you to all for the insight, opinion and support.
I love the internets for allowing us the space for these conversations! If forums would have existed thirty years ago, then maybe I could have seen it was happening to others too and stood up to my mother. She was damaged by sexual abuse, and her anger became our lives. I played a largely co-dependent role, taking care of her off and on over the years until she passed away. I lost friends and partners because of this. They thought I was being used and should walk away. Many times I wish I could have (or I wish she could have changed–there I go being co-dependent again!). I don’t blame JA one bit. Not a fan, but always felt a tug on my heart when I read about her situation.
It is fair enough that she leave them, why have something that represents such bad energy around you?
Exactly. What a weird thing to try to spin as a “screw you” story. What’s more, even the most loving relations don’t always “take” the ashes of their loved one. My friend lost her husband and the family had his ashes interred.
I am one who believes, when it comes to death all unsolved matters should be berried with it no matter what. If this story is true , I would have preferred she took it. Maybe she will bury all her bad memories with it and forgive. No matter how painful death is, still it brings this anchored peace that fog away many vague and silly matters in life.
I respect your opinion. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t always work that way. She should find her peace her own way. And it looks like she is.
But how do you know that there is anything unresolved? She attended the memorial after all. She just doesn’t want the ashes. It seems like a final manipulation on her mother’s part to try to give them to her without getting prior permission, good on Jen for standing her ground.
If she wanted Jen to have them, after such a turbulent relationship, then I agree it was likely a final guilt trip attempt.
Some people are manipulative and cruel to the end.
Yea I’m a little mad that they called her an absentee daughter. Her mother was manipulative and used her kid in the press. Her mother was a toxic person for Jen. People seem to think that being family means that terrible people can treat you like crap and you’re supposed to take it. No the healthy thing is to remove yourself if it’s necessary for you. I just took a family therapy class and it’s amazing how much abuse people will take from family.
Jen can do what she wants. Her mother was awful to her in life she has no need to honor her in death.
Yeah, that annoyed me too. If anything, she had an absentee mother – someone who gave birth to her but was not a mother.
Yeah, I read an Esquire interview, when she was still married to BP, where she admitted she tried repairing things through years of therapy, but it wasn’t working.
I thought that was wrong too. I’ve always had the impression she didn’t want to be estranged, but needed to be for her own mental health. That’s not absentee.
I also know people who were not estranged (just not very close) who refused family members ashes. The whole thing is very complicated.
I don’t blame her. It sounds like her mother was a horrible person.
Yeah it’s pretty rare for a child to cut off a parent witlhout a reason. It’s not rare however for sh!tty people to procreate…
Best comment today.
Succinct and true. If I were Jen, I wouldn’t want the ashes either.
I dislike that this source is putting all the blame for the bad relationship on Jen saying “She was an absentee daughter”. Without mentioning how horrible the mother was.
Her mother came across as a toxic personality. I’m not an Anniston fan but her mother sounded like a professional victim who resented her daughter’s success. Some relationships are complicated and I’m not going to judge Anniston for not taking her mother’s ashes.
I agree with you. I also think that in Jennifer’s shoes, I wouldn’t want people second-guessing and asking me what I plan to do with the ashes.
This “source” needs to STFU. Aniston wasn’t an “absentee daughter.” She made a choice to walk away from a relationship that was, by many accounts including Dow’s, toxic. This is a woman who sold out her own daughter for profit. Aniston gets no shade from me for this, she had and still has every right to protect herself from any exposure to a toxic relationship.
+1,000,000
No judgement from me. Why should she have to take them? Bury the ashes, scatter the ashes, whatever. Nancy has a son – he could do this just as easily. I feel like if this was something dictated in her arrangements – it was just another jab at her daughter.
I visited my parents the other day. My mother looks at me, completely seriously “So where are you getting buried, your grandmother is bugging us to know how many funeral plots we need”. I’m 26. Yes – things happen. But my god – it was not the conversation I was expecting. I have also dictated that there will be no funerals involved with my demise (wine and cheese gathering is permitted) and donations will be made to the local shelter. Just toss my name on something, somewhere, I guess. I really don’t care as much as most people do when it comes to these sorts of things. I did read that you can now have your ashes mixed into cement that is used to help grow coral reefs – that sounded kind of cool.
I really don’t want a funeral, either. I’d always generally felt that way but it was sealed after I went to the funeral of my best friend’s dad and it didn’t reflect him or his life with any accuracy at all and my friend was beyond stressed and exhausted at having to talk to so many people he didn’t know. It really didn’t give him comfort. He would have preferred to grieve privately and have a small celebration of his dad’s life with a few close friends and family members.
I have told my husband that a few times over the years but one day I finally wrote my wishes down because I wasn’t sure if he was taking me seriously.
I’ve really settled on it after going to my husbands nanny’s funeral. The minister/pastor/whatever ended up turning the whole thing into a lecture at some point. No idea why, or how it happened. This was the evangelical church in the area, and this particular group of church goers are quite strange to begin with. He legit started rambling on about how “yeah to go university if you want… but it doesn’t matter because Jesus is going to swoop in when it’s game over and what good will a degree be then?” I hated every moment of it. His grandmother was very religious – but she was so kind hearted and so proud of all her grandkids and how much they’d accomplished. To me – it didn’t suit her.
About six months after that my favorite great aunt passed away, and her funeral was like a whole different thing. We had a reverand come in, and he had such a glorious Scottish accent (and we’re in Nova Scotia – and despite the name there aren’t that many first generation Scottish-Canadian’s around here) and he did some religious stuff – but it wasn’t… preachy? It was all very generic – but not the usual if that makes sense. Just happy, soothing quotes about life, and being good to others. Nothing BAM! RELIGION! about it. I think that it was the only funeral that I’ve been to where I actually felt BETTER afterwards.
My thinking is – nobody likes funerals. It’s not like it’s a good time for anyone. A lot of them end up being very stuffy, uncomfortable, and sadder than needed. I’d much prefer to think my family and friends are sitting out on someone’s lawn, having a glass of wine and talking about the ridiculous things I got into during my life – and being RELAXED and HAPPY.
Our family isn’t great with handling emotions – we’re all a bit withdrawn when it comes to that sort of thing, so grieving in front of other people – especially people who aren’t close to us is HARD. And then you’re all caught up in the stuff that needs to be done, and making sure to include everyone who needs to be included, and then pretending you know exactly which second cousin twice removed you’re talking to even though you haven’t seen them in years – it’s exhausting.
I’ve had a plot since I was born. Knowing where I’m going to be burried has always creeped me out, especially since there’s only room for my generation. My children will have to be burried somewhere else and that’s even creepier to discuss LOL
Mom was telling me that her mother and father had a limited number of plots, and had about 5-6 more kids than plots. Mom, not being the most gentle of phrasers was like “well, it was first come first serve, I guess. But who’s the real winner here?” because she is the baby of the family, and a good few siblings have passed away already.
It is honestly the creepiest thing to discuss, isn’t it? It’s so strange.
Well, you don’t have to be buried in that plot. It can be given to someone else or even sold. Don’t feel like you have no choice in the matter. You have a right to be buried where you want.
@BlueNailsBetty – I actually had a pseudo fight with my mum about this because I told her I wanted to be burried with my children and husband (if we are still married) and she got offended LOL I’m not even married or with kids, so it was a bit premature, but oh well. I’m agnostic so I don’t care very much. The funeral/burrial/etc is not for me.
I had to look that coral reef thing up, Erinn, because it sounded so cool. Now THAT’S what I want done with my bits and bobs when I die!
Honestly – I think it’s pretty much the coolest thing ever. AND it’s not as creepy to me because it’s not going to be kept in someone’s house or whatever (no shade to people who keep ashes – I’m just really easily creeped out).
The other one that was sort of cool was you could get them planted in a tree somehow – but then there’s the whole issue of the tree getting cut down or property being sold, or whatever, so I think I’m in love with the idea of the coral reef thing – because nobody will KNOW if something happens to it. And yay fish!
You can also have your ashes shot into space, to become one with the stars. Or, you can have the ashes turned into a diamond. It costs about $5 thou to have the diamond made. I don’t know if you can get it coloured, but I thought it was a cool idea.
OMG I want to be shot off to space!
This is a very strange conversation hahaha
I have asked for the diamond thing. That or a mausoleum. I have an irrational fear of deep water, so the ocean is out, I dislike bugs and taking up space when I’m dead, so a traditional burial is out and I don’t want to be cremated and stuck in a jar. So, make me into a diamond (fitting for the princess in me, tbh) or give me the awesome-est mausoleum ever. I think that the hubby is going for the diamond option. The thought of a dead house worth more than our actual house does not appeal to him, haha! (I use to threaten to leave a wish to be freeze dried and stuck in a corner so that I could nag him even in death but dusting me off would be a pain in the a$$.)
As for JA not wanting her mother’s ashes, I can understand that and can support that decision. First off, it’s not my call to make and secondly, her mother is a stranger to her, why should she take them? Toxic people can ruin your life and I think that she was more than within her rights to cut that woman out of her life. Taking care of her mother’s ashes would be doing more for her mother in death than her mother ever did for JA in life.
No judgement on not wanting funerals…. but they are not actually for you. They are for the ones you leave behind.
My hubby and I gently argue this issue from time to time as he too says he doesn’t want anything should/when the time comes. I tell him that I will do whatever I and our kids need at that time, and he should do the same if I go first.
Just another side on consider in this.
If you’ve had, laboured under, a toxic relationship with a parent there is no shame to not wishing to maintain an appearance through the conventions for purely forms sake.
I don’t wish to get overly into the Aniston as childless debate – her choice or a circumstance where she didn’t choose but was unable – however, I have wondered if her relationship with her mother factored into her choice not to parent herself (if by choice it was).
I totally agree that Aniston’s doing the right thing here. She has a sibling/half sibling? that by most accounts had a decent relationship with mom. I’m sure she thought not taking them was more respectful. They never got on, her mother was horrible, all she would do is dump them out in the garden. I’m guessing she thought to keep the peace in the family it would be better if they stayed with someone who valued them.
Of course-people have to hoist all kinds of garbage on kids about how they should bury it and the past is the past now. No. If someone is horrible to me for years that doesn’t go ‘poof’ when that person passes. Going to the memorial service was more than I’d do in that situation. Taking the ashes of someone who hated me and who I hated is beyond my comprehension.
Enough with this story in the press. Her mother sold her out and was toxic and she keeps trying to damage her daughter.
I can’t even imagine the pain that would cause this reaction. Mom would have to do something insanely heinous for me to refuse to take her ashes, even just to throw them out the window.
Anniston has enough money to pay someone to take the ashes, bury them someplace, put up a headstone and forget about it. That’s what I would do, even if I had a bad relationship with my Mom, Look at it as a finale……..
Read the posts above you to get a glimpse what pain a fractured relationship causes. You still think that getting a subordinate to do it lessens the symbolism? Honestly, you may want to think yourself better or stronger than all these people who made a similar choice but this is not the time for it.
@Nicole (the Cdn one)
said above:
“For those who cannot imagine cutting out a toxic parent because of the depth of the bond you have with your own non-toxic parent, the thing is, we never had that bond to begin with, so what you imagine losing (and how hard that would be for you) we never had. The pain and guilt we work through is totally different. It is not the loss of something wonderful that we fought to save but couldn’t. It is the pain of acknowledging that we never had and will never have a supporting, loving relationship with them. That no matter what we do, it will not change. Of letting go of the guilt that we are the problem. Of the pain of people judging us because they have no clue what we’ve been through. No one begrudges you your healthy relationship, but you really can’t walk a mile in our shoes, because we’ve never had shoes and don’t know what they feel like.”
It’s not the child’s responsibility to always be the bigger the person and forgive, especially when the parent appears to be emotionally and verbally manipulative if not abusive. Not a huge Anniston fan, but can’t fault her for this.
OK, let’s assume this story is true (which, you know, Daily Mail). Correct me if my understanding of the situation is wrong:
1) Dow dies.
2) Someone at the funeral offers Aniston her ashes, despite the fact that she is not an only child.
3) She, very understandably, refuses.
4) Someone at the funeral rushes to the press to talk about what a bad daughter Aniston was.
If it’s true (BIG if), that sounds as though Dow set that up as one final eff you to her daughter, not the other way around.
Agreed.
Hah, wouldn’t that be something? One final twist of the knife.
Tbh, funerals are for the living, a way for them to grieve. Some may have emotional ties to the deceased that they need to work out, but it doesn’t need to be in front of everyone; and it doesn’t need to be done immediately after their passing. It could be months later. I feel that a “Celebration of Life” is much more comforting, with or without a religious theme. It’s important to tell someone close to you how (or even IF) you’d like to be remembered.
My mother abandoned us when we were very young. A couple of years before she died, we had made great bounds to becoming friends, and I mourn for the relationship we were blossoming. But when she died, which was all very sudden after her third cancel diagnosis, I didn’t feel any connection to her ashes. Nothing about my mother would have fit in such a tiny, plain box. Not even when the stupid woman from across the street tried to tell me she could feel the ashes “vibrating with her spirit”.
I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to deal with ashes regardless of whether they had a good relationship with the deceased. I was close to my dad and having to receive his ashes was a horrible experience. And then I had to carry them and put them somewhere in the house, until my mom, my sisters and I could scatter or bury them.
I know! I’ve had my mother’s ashes for 15 years now because I can’t decide what to do with them. I always knew she wanted to be cremated, she said that specifically, but she never said what she wanted done with them & I never thought to ask. After the cremation I had to decide what kind of container — it’s sealed if you’re keeping them but not if you’re scattering them. I said sealed, then changed my mind & had a small amount put into a tiny urn & the rest in an unsealed container for disposal — which sits, 15 years later, on my bookcase. I’ve decided to scatter them, but in a body of water or the mountains somewhere, I just don’t know. I’ve moved three times since her death & those ashes have been coming with me. Really, I need to decide! Help!
@Hazel: Thanks for your post. My mum died unexpectedly in May, and I was the sibling tasked with taking her ashes. I still have them in a box in my house, because my siblings and I can’t bring ourselves to even talk about what to do with them. I’ve been feeling like a terribly negligent daughter because I haven’t done anything with them yet. Sometimes I put them on a chair to ‘watch’ tv (my mum was obsessed with NCIS & Survivor).
When I was calling crematoriums to find one I liked, one place told me they were legally required to keep the cremains (I didn’t even know that was a real word) until someone came for them. He had cremains from as far back as the 1970s! Some people need longer to process and accept the finality, some people don’t have anyone living to take their cremains, and some people just don’t have anyone who wants to take them. So, if Aniston refused them and no one else wants them, they’re not going to just throw Dow’s remains out in a dumpster somewhere–they’ll be there if she changes her mind (or not).
Isn’t it possible to press the ash to a synthetic diamond, maybe you would like it.
Stories like this always make me uncomfortable. Family relationships can be very complex and sensitive. If I were Jennifer I wouldn’t like people who have never met me or my mother nosing in telling me how I’m supposed to feel about her. Ultimately, no one knows what their relationship was really like except for her.
She should bury the ashes and get over the years of resentment she had towards her mother. From what I read her mother said she was not attractive or something like that. Life is too short to carry a grudge to the grave. The mother is gone, end of the hard feelings. Jennifer did mentioned she fights dirty, so I’m guessing she might not have been the most loving daughter to an annoying mother, jmo.
wow, I don’t agree at all.
of course you’re entitled to your opinion on how you would handle a toxic relationship with someone, but you don’t get to tell someone else how they should handle theirs. telling someone to “get over” years of resentment or tell them they shouldn’t carry a grudge to the grave is not fair. just because her mother is gone doesn’t automatically mean “end of hard feelings”. let her deal with her maternal relationship the way she wants to.
Have you ever heard this saying when you hate someone it’s like drinking poison and hope the other person would die.
@Doofus: remember, Jennifer I hope, is not reading these gossip sites. So, I’m just giving my opinion. I’m sure if Jennifer is reading my comment she would not give a rats $&@@ what I have to say. Btw, I was abandoned by my mother at about 2 yo in an apartment. People had to go find my grandmother to come and get us, my sister and myself. My mothe is still alive. I have never lived with her after that. I still talk to her, send her cards with money ect. I chose to live mylife without thinking about things I had no control over. This is just me.
yes, it is just you, and as I said, of course you are entitled to your opinion on how YOU would handle this. or DID handle this. I’m sorry for what your mother did to you, that’s horrible.
but you also gave your opinion on what Aniston “should” do. and that is something that you don’t get to dictate. what she SHOULD do is what’s best for her, not what YOU think would be best for her. that’s all I’m saying.
“Have you ever heard this saying when you hate someone it’s like drinking poison and hope the other person would die.”
and yes, I’ve heard that saying. and I don’t see where it applies here. no where does it say that Aniston “hated” her mother, just that they were estranged and Aniston had separated herself from the relationship. she apparently did the best thing she could do for her own mental health, which was walking away so that she DIDN’T wind up hating her mother.
Completely agree, Doofus. Well said, my friend.
Very well stated doofus – you’ve said it all.
doofus, great comments! And I agree with everything you said.
It’s not that simple. Her mother sounded toxic, not “annoying”. A relationship with a parent who has hurt you deeply is unlike any other relationship in your life. It isn’t like a grudge against a friend.
Pretty clear you’ve never dealt with a toxic close relative.
They are the worst and most times it’s just best to not speak to them anymore. So liberating.
“I chose to live mylife without thinking about things I had no control over. This is just me.”
She has control over her own actions and the things she keeps in her life. She controlled how much she engaged with her mother in her adulthood. And now, InTouch says she decided that she doesn’t want the responsibility of keeping or disposing of her mother’s remains.
This isn’t fighting dirty, it’s moving on.
It’s possible that the last visit didn’t resolve anything. My mother did that to me, too. She had stopped taking her antidepressant when she found out she was terminal, and when she wasn’t on it, she was horrid. She said unforgivable things to me that she didn’t apologize for, even when I cared for her at night the three months she was in the hospital prior to her death. She did thank me for caring for her – the only thing she said to me for the entire year – and I told her that I was doing it for my dad and brother – not her – because I was still so hurt that she never apologized for what she had said.
And who would blame her? As reported here in the past- her own Mother was a petty, jealous, manipulative narcissitic b*tch right to her death and then some.
If I had been treated the way Anniston’s own Mother treated her– I would have done the same. Sad to say, but true. It’s bad karma having that Urn around for sure.
Ouch!
Here’s a thought-forgiveness is something you do for yourself so you can move on. Accept the ashes with grace, Jennifer, then spread them in a nice place and go on with the rest of your life.
Here’s a thought: forgiveness also sometimes means that you leave the person who keeps hurting you behind, because they do nothing good for you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to stay in the situation where someone is hurting you. By all accounts Jennifer has moved on from her mother. That’s a pretty big step and given what we know of her mother it’s likely a reasonable step.
Yeah I don’t know about this whole forgiveness thing. Why should you forgive someone that has been horrible to you? F*ck that. Kick them out of your life and go be happy.
Also, it could merely be that JA thought her half sibling would prefer to have them. At ANY rate, team Jennifer here; I admire her more for setting personal boundaries than hypocritically doing the expected. Lastly, my sister is judging me for not going to our mom’s grave, but I’ve tried to explain the gravesite means NOTHING to me; I hold all my memories of my mother in my heart, and I don’t need to waste gasoline when I think of her every day.
Not a fan of hers but I can’t judge her for this.
What’s up with the family making a big deal out of this. They weren’t close. Whoever did care about this woman should be the one to take her ashes.
You would think she (her mother) would have designated a place for her ashes to go so this would not even be discussed. I do not blame her for not wanting to be involved if she and her mother had a less than ideal relationship.
I think her mother deliberately requested Jen take the ashes, knowing how Jen feels about her. Like one last attempt to show her daughter in a poor light.
We always have comments from Jen’s side. What about her mother’s side? Did any of us ever hear her mother say those things Jen reportedly said she did? How do we know what Jen reported is true? There are always sides to every story. . . yours, her, and the truth. And wasn’t this commented on before about Jen refusing her mother’s ashes? That being said, yes I did drop in to put my two cents in.
We’re not just getting comments from Jen’s side. Her mother told her side when wrote a book about her famous daughter.
@GoOnGirl, I totally agree with you. It would be good if we get both sides of the story.
I see someone here referring to her mom as a “narcissist bitch”. I believe that’s so rude considering this person has only read one side of the story, I believe. There are lots of stories about Jennifer being a “bitch”, I don’t know her so I would refrain from labing her this way. All I’m saying is I don’t know the real story, so I would just say she should forgive her mom and move on, jmo.
If you want the other side read Nancy’s book. Or google the quotes about her daughter. The mother’s side is out there for all too see.
“It would be good if we get both sides of the story.”
Really? I doubt my father remembers he squashed me with a whole fridge when I was 15. He might not even admit it.
Sometimes hearing the ‘other side of the story’ is just hearing a bunch of lies coming from an abuser who denies any wrongdoing.
And my hubby’s mother died young, 2 decades after she abandoned her children. At her funeral my hubby and his brother got told how horrible they were because they hadn’t kept in touch…. after she had disappeared.
Honestly, do you have any knowledge of toxic parental relationships?
GoOnGirl: “We always have comments from Jen’s side. What about her mother’s side? Did any of us ever hear her mother say those things Jen reportedly said she did? How do we know what Jen reported is true?”
B n A fn: “It would be good if we get both sides of the story.”
interesting…I wonder…do you both feel the same way about all of the people up above who have related their own stories of having a toxic maternal relationship? will you demand that you hear their mothers’ sides of the stories? will you demand proof of the things their mothers did/said to them?
or will you take them at their word?
This isn’t a comment on Jen Aniston but I do know several people who have used whatever old hurts they suffered as children as an excuse to be selfish and abusive with everyone throughout their adulthood into middle age basically continuing the cycle of a-hole behavior. The purpose of therapy is to get to a point where you see your parents as people and whatever mistakes they’ve made in raising you doesn’t have to actually affect your adulthood. Now of course there are abusive toxic people who you can’t be around.
The fact that Nancy Dow publicly betrayed her daughter’s confidence twice to gain attention for herself and for personal profit is enough evidence for me that Nancy was a piece of work all through life. If I suddenly became famous, my mother wouldn’t have run out to give an interview about me to a tabloid outlet, especially if I didn’t want her to. Even if that first interview was a “mistake,” if she knew her daughter upset about it, a decent person definitely wouldn’t have followed that up with a “memoir” all about the their relationship and sold with the daughter’s face dominating the cover.
What did she say about Jennifer that was so unforgivable? I’m asking a serious question because I don’t follow ja. I’m not a fan. Generally I don’t post on her board but decided to do so today to shoot the breeze.
Agreed. I always felt really sorry for Nancy. She did an interview on some show, and it was supposed to be about her projects she had coming up. Instead, they asked questions about Jennifer and they edited the episode to make it look like she was there to speak about her daughter. You would think Jennifer would understand how these shows operate, but no. Even when her mother tried to explain, she refused to listen, meaning Nancy was left with little choice but to try to set the record straight, herself in her book.
Everyone is all, oh, poor Jen! Look, Aniston is a master manipulator. She has form for alientating people. Remember the roommate she had that she got fired from Friends? Did any of you even momentarily stop to think that she is manipulating you, and she is the narcissist who is (was) treating her mother badly? I felt so sorry for Nancy, and I still do. I don’t even want to think of the heartache I would feel if my daughter ‘went Hollywood’ and decided she was too big for me. I really wonder if any of you even for one moment, stopped to consider that you may have it the exact opposite way around.
Sadly People like you listen to the Narcissist and defend them, how sad and small minded, like all the people who looked away when my Narcissist Mother abused me again and again, the Narcissist always plays the victim, it’s a pattern, and bc people like you i never got help from adults around us, they looked away and blamed me, how pity of people like you…
Lucky me i cut this toxic woman off my life long time ago. Intelligent People don’t believe in her lies and games, good for me.
“Even when her mother tried to explain, she refused to listen, meaning Nancy was left with little choice but to try to set the record straight, herself in her book.”
uh, she absolutely had a choice…NOT to write a tell-all about her daughter. if they were already on bad terms, and JA felt like Dow betrayed her trust in the interview, how could writing a negative tell-all make things better? she’d have been better off writing JA a letter to “set the record straight” and keep attempting to make peace. not go blab to some publisher to make a buck.
You know I have a toxic, narcissistic mother , which I’ve been in therapy for so I get not wanting anything to do with a parent. But at the same time I do think in this situation the right thing to do would be to get the ashes. Of course I just might not know some details of the story or this story might be an outright fabrication . I just think in general the healthiest thing is to not be vindictive because ultimately at a certain point you’re going to be happier if you let go of the resentment. Especially in a situation where this is the last time she’s going to be involved with her mom again. I happened to believe if you are being nasty to a toxic parent you’re still stuck in that anger.
This doesn’t seem like nastiness, vindictiveness or anger. It seems like indifference, which is basically the opposite. It’s not like she took the ashes and used them as kitty litter. If there’s any truth to this story at all, she’s just moving on.
She doesn’t have to take the ashes and keep them in her home if she doesn’t want to, especially if there are other relatives for whom the ashes have more meaning.
@Even 100+
Kittylitter, wow that’s an good idea.
Anybody who had to live with an Mother with Narcisstic Personality Disorder could understand that.
I hope my kitty will pee on my father’s ashes, given that after 30 years of domestic violence (emotional and physical) I feel I have the right to hate him to the grave, mine and his.
Go for it ! 🙂
I feel sorry for Jennifer. I adore my mother and can’t imagine having a terrible relationship as she did.
You know, I don’t think this a topic that lends itself to gossip very well. Very difficult and complicated. I just wish all the parties here well.
+1
I thought Jen had a brother. Maybe he took the ashes. I don’t see a problem with her reaction. She wasn’t close to her mother. Keeping her ashes sounds creepy.
It’s her choice, she has a half brother through this mother, I never knew about. I doubt her mother left her anything.
My mother is a narcissist and I’ve been in therapy for years dealing with the toxic brush she smeared my first eighteen years with. We no longer speak and when she dies I will not be attending any services for her. Just because someone gave birth to you doesn’t make them a mother.
That is very true. Just because you share DNA with someone doesn’t give them the lifelong right to abuse you and treat you like sh*t. I have no issue disowning family members that have treated me like sh*t. They don’t deserve to have me in their lives.
100% right, some People should not have Children.
My so-named “Mother” has NPD too, people with loving Parents can not understand what kind of Pain you have to deal with you whole live.
Step away from those toxic people is the healthiest way ever.
Nancy Dow apparently had a better relationship with her older son and/or her grandkids. I’m not sure why InTouch or Nancy’s nosy friend is making a big deal of it. If Jennifer didn’t want the remains, her brother or niece/nephews could have taken them or decided that Nancy be scattered or interred somewhere.
Also, why is it a big deal if Aniston got left out of the will? There’s people in her family who need the money way more than she does, and who would appreciate the sentimental items more. Like, Aniston doesn’t need to inherit her condo and Monte Carlo (or whatever).
This is a tough one. My mother was a jealous and abusive woman who was even worse when she drank (which was always) I always felt from as young as I remember that she took a sadistic pleasure in offering something and then pulling the rug out at the critical moment with great delight. When you got sick over several years from one thing to the next I still took care of her from driving her around to changing her diapers and my brothers did nothing.The last day I saw her alive she was being taken to hospice and as I was walking beside the wheelchair she screamed to the attendantpointing to me and said “get her away from me. I want my son.” Not good.
Oh man. I have a brother that has done NOTHING since my dad died. I do everything for my mom and yet she will always choose him over me. She prayed to God for a son but really for what? He does nothing for her. I guess being born male was enough. Ughh I don’t want to have kids and it’s probably due to the fact I have always felt unwanted. I don’t even want to get married because I know of too many toxic marriages. Oh well.
Then let your Brother do the dirty work, she choosed, move on.
Toxic “Mothers” like that do not deserve any Help from you.
My Narcisstic Mother can Ask her beloved Sons, good luck to her, may she drown in her own poison.
I see why Jennifer hasn’t wanted children. I am 35 and feel similar due to my own Narcissistic/ Toxic Mother. She told me when I first started going to therapy when I was in my early 20’s and confronted her on why she was so distant, cold, and emotionally and physically abusive and she stated that she was jealous of the love my father gave me. She always has felt in competition with me. She also says abuse is all she knows from her own childhood. You simply can’t get close to someone like that. I am an only child so it is difficult because if dad dies before her, I will feel no great need to take care of her and if she gets unwell, will simply have to put her in a home or get caretakers for her. I do not want to be buried near her or have her ashes. I don’t get why people are giving Jennifer a hard time with this one. I suppose only those with Toxic parents can truly understand.
+100 well done, it’s always the same with these Narcisstic Mothers…you did the right thing.
Her mother cut her out of the will. If your parent is so toxic that they feel the need to hurt you even after they’re dead, as far as I’m concerned her mother’s ashes can find their own way home.
My partner refused to attend his father’s funeral, and luckily they knew better than to offer him the ashes.
People have the right to refuse. Btw, unclaimed cremains are a real issue for funeral homes. They have to keep them for up to a year in my state, after which the funeral home can bury or scatter them, but I think in some states they have to keep them much longer.
Are people really judging Aniston for this? This is so ridiculous. Just assume that anyone who takes such a stand probably has very good reasons, and this is the final word from the chair.
I have a good friend who is a funeral director and he said if unclaimed, they go into a community ash pile mixed with other unclaimed ashes.
For some people, maybe that is where their ashes rightfully belong.
Why on earth would you want someone’s remain that you didn’t care for in life? I don’t know why people decide to start caring and reminiscing once someone is dead. Care about people when they are still alive! Don’t care once they are gone. It’s too late now and she’s being true to herself.
If my mother had sold me out for years, and belittled me, and had pointed out my whole life how not-so-beautiful I am compared to her, I would throw her ashes down the toilet, if someone was publicly forcing me to take them.
Aniston is a much better person than I am.
😀
+1,000!!
“Jennifer’s rejection came as somewhat of a shock to family and friends.” I seriously doubt that. Unless you know someones relationship intimately, you shouldn’t be judging this. She has the right to react however feels right for her. Familial relationships can be complicated. I didn’t take my parents ashes either. It was a bitter relationship most of my life because they failed to protect me against a predator. No love lost.
@ i’m sorry for you, that you had to go through something horrible like that, and you parents failed completely with their job to protect you.
Shame on them, there is NO excuse for that.
I don’t even believe this story. I doubt she has the ashes , but they were probably never offered to her since they had no relationship. The urn is buried in a beautiful cemetery or at her son’s house or were scattered somewhere according to her mother’s wishes.
I wouldn’t want ashes sitting in my house. I find that morbid, not comforting.
I think I would’ve accepted the ashes, dumped them in a random dumpster and said “I forgive you” as I did it. If anyone asked what I did with them, I’d affect an air of gravity and tell them that’s a deeply personal question.
Why would anyone be surprised that a woman who went to work on the day she was told her mother was in the hospital dying didn’t want her ashes? Aniston’s a cold fish who’s so far up her own ass she can shake hands with her tonsils. If it doesn’t benefit her and her crappy career then her mother is of no use to her. But just wait – the next time she’s promoting a movie she’ll whine about how hard her mother’s death was and the difficult process of grieving. Grieving was so difficult she went to the Bahamas with her lame duck husband and paraded around for the paps in another ass-eating bikni that showed her weight gain (which she knew would lead to speculation that she was pregnant and thus her HuffPo op-ed was pre-planned) barely 3 weeks after the funeral.
Wow you are really a lovely warm and sympathetic Person, are you?
You remind me of my bitter Narcissitic Mother, yeah….
And you sound painfully jealous…meh…
Wow, that comment was horrible on so many different levels that I can only imagine you were playing a round of Bitch Bingo.
Unfortunately, AYKM, if you say the truth around here you just may be crucified or your posts deleted. People don’t want to be challenged on their rigid mindset. The thought that Aniston just may have been the problem, and maybe, just *maybe* not her mother is something they cannot they just cannot get their head around or come to terms with. smh
Wow, AYKM?…. It sounds as though you know Aniston, her mother and husband personally. I mean all the vile that you spewed about her must come from a place of personal knowledge or, jealousy.
I wouldn’t take my mother’s ashes either, if offered, and we certainly were not estranged. I just find the practice repulsive. Let somebody else scatter ashes somewhere if that’s what the deceased wanted. I wouldn’t do that, either. Not really a story here.
https://sites.google.com/site/harpyschild/ Is a site i reccomend for anyone who believes their parent may be a narcissist.
My uncle, my dad’s brother, abandoned his wife and five young kids. My aunt struggled mightily to raise those kids on her own. My uncle was gone for 25-30 years. When word trickled back that he passed away my mom offered to bear the expense to have him brought back to his home town and buried with family. His kids politely said no thanks. I totally respect that and same to Jennifer Aniston. To everyone who shared heartbreaking stories here about their own experiences with wretched parents I wish you peace and love.
Amen to that.
I want to thank the sympathetic readers here, and also all the abused and wounded women – it seems like we’re all women? – who shared their stories. In a horrible way it has been absolutely wonderful to see there are people out there who really, truly Get It.
My mother is still alive and abusive at age 95. My last therapist told me to brace myself for when she died, because even death will not put an end to the abuse. She is going to do something awful at the end.
Incidentally, “forgive and forget” is just an expression. It is not in the Bible or anywhere else. It’s impossible to “forget” being unwanted or abused because these experiences are locked in our cellular memory and even our brain structure. And to me, forgiveness feels like acceptance – that is, capitulating to the abuser so there are no consequences for their terrible actions and remarks. Are we supposed to “forgive” the devil? Or Stalin or Hitler or whoever? We need to remember, and stay angry, and try to make sure no parent EVER gets away with abusing their children EVER again without our speaking up. Just my opinion.
ashes to ashes. The best way to go IMO. I wanted my ashes painted into a self portrait, or of my fav place seeing how it’s illegal to dump your ashes just anywhere. My kid thought that was a morbid idea but I think it’s better than hanging around in a jar (I’ve seen many urns and boxes on fireplace mantles and thought, that’s fcuked.)
As someone with toxic parents who have always taken advantage and expected to be taken care of by their children, I totally understand. Parents or not, sometimes the best thing for you is to walk away for good.