Orlando Bloom makes me sad these days. He’s been making me sad for years now. A decade ago – maybe longer? – Orlando was one of the biggest names around. He was the heartthrob, the crush, the good-looking British guy that every American girl wanted to date. But then there was a series of terrible career decisions and flops. Bloom just couldn’t make the transition from franchise-ensemble actor to leading man, or failing that, solid dramatic actor. Nothing really worked. The lowest point was probably Orlando getting into a fistfight with Justin Bieber at a nightclub. Ugh, that still makes me sad. Anyway, Orlando tried to rebound with a year-long relationship with Katy Perry, but they broke up a short time ago. And now Orlando is chatting with Elle UK and he’s pretending he’s still a major thing, I guess. You can read the full piece here. Some highlights:

He’s very eager to talk about his nude-paddleboarding photos: “Are we going to talk about my penis?” The British actor is referring to an episode in August 2016, when he was photographed paddleboarding off the coast of Sardinia with his then-girlfriend, singer Katy Perry. The paparazzi images of Orlando went viral. Did the hysteria surrounding his penis surprise him? ‘Yes, it was extremely surprising,’ he says. ‘I wouldn’t have put myself in that position if I’d thought it would happen.’

How those photos happened: “I’ve been photographed a million times in a million ways. I have a good radar. We’d been completely alone for five days. Nothing around us. There was no way anyone could get anything. So I had a moment of feeling free.”

Whether he feels like the victim of double-standards: “I didn’t take it that deep, darlin’. What can I tell you? Note to self: you’re never free. Ha!”

How he handles breakups: “With Miranda, there was a sense that I don’t want my son to go back through the internet where people have made up lies [about us]. Miranda and I have a remarkable relationship. We co-parent really well.”

On his breakup with Katy Perry: ‘We’re friends,’ he says of Katy, without mentioning her by name. ‘It’s good. We’re all grown-up. She happens to be someone who is very visible, but I don’t think anybody cares what I’m up to. Nor should they. It’s between us. It’s better to set an example for kids and show that [break-ups] don’t have to be about hate.’

He’s on Instagram & Facebook now: “I think the times are changing. My mum kept an article from the mid-Noughties that said this kid had been Googled more than anyone on the planet for four years in a row. And it was me!’ He apologises, saying he’s concerned he sounds like a ‘knob’. “’I’m not a millennial. They live their lives through their phones. What happens to my son? How is he going to have a real relationship if it’s all happening on his phone? Disconnecting is massively important.”

His career now: “I had so much [success] in my twenties, most of my thirties was [spent] figuring out which way was up. I love what I do. It came from that connection kids felt with [The Lord of the Rings’] Legolas, or [Pirates of the Caribbean’s] Will Turner. I’m looking for that thing again…’ He appears to be unsure of where his career is headed, so I offer some advice. ‘I could see you as a good James Bond.’ He lights up. ‘Thank you! I will make a good Bond… when they make Bond someone all the kids fall for.’

Age has changed Orlando. ‘You’re no longer number one in the world. You look at everything around you and ask, “What is going on?”‘ Most recently, he’s been baffled by the differences between the UK’s and the US’s electoral systems. ‘What we grow up with at home is completely different. It’s like Star Wars over here.’

[From Elle UK]

“You’re no longer number one in the world. You look at everything around you and ask, ‘What is going on?’” That’s it in a nutshell. That’s the Orlando Bloom Conundrum right there. One moment, he’s the star of two of the biggest franchises in the world and in the next moment, he can’t get a callback or audition for an independent film. I actually don’t mean to be so harsh to Orlando, it must be difficult for him to come to the steady realization that he’s no longer the biggest deal around. But maybe the answer isn’t blatantly lying about those nude photos?? He absolutely knew he was being photographed, for the love of God. It was even claimed that he called the photographer himself.

Photos courtesy of WENN.