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Over the weekend, a strange story broke out of Kentucky. Senator Rand Paul had been hospitalized after some kind of altercation with a neighbor. The conspiracy theorists went into overdrive: was Rand Paul a bad neighbor? Is Rand Paul’s neighbor a radical leftist? Is somebody sleeping with somebody else’s wife? Adding to the conspiracies is the fact that at first, Rand Paul’s injuries were described as relatively minor, but now we’ve learned that the neighbor, Rene Boucher, tackled Paul so violently that Paul broke five ribs and now the senator cannot even travel. So what the f–k happened? We still don’t know. Here’s a somewhat comprehensive assessment of what’s gone down so far:

Depending on who you’re talking to in Kentucky, Washington, a TV studio in New York, or certain fringe internet enclaves, mysterious events ranging from mundane to nefarious may have resulted in a United States senator having five of his ribs broken and dislocated by his next-door neighbor on Friday. Rand Paul’s injuries were sustained in the late afternoon when he reportedly got down off his lawnmower on his property in Rivergreen, a gated community in Bowling Green, Kentucky, where he’s lived since the mid-1990s.

The ophthalmologist and junior senator, of slight build and deaf in one ear, was, according to the New York Times, wearing noise-canceling earmuffs. This allowed his neighbor of 13 years, a retired anesthesiologist named Rene Boucher, to charge him and tackle him to the ground, breaking and dislocating his ribs and bruising his lungs. Boucher was charged with assault and released on $7,500 bail.

When the Republican senator will return to D.C. remains an open question, Doug Stafford, his senior adviser, said on Sunday. He noted that the severe pain prevented much movement, never mind air travel. And as for the altercation itself? “It is a pending, serious criminal matter involving state and federal authorities,” he told New York in a statement. “We won’t have any further comment at this time.”

According to voter registration records, Boucher is a Democrat. And on social media, he’s reportedly vocalized his opposition to President Donald Trump — a fact that prompted immediate speculation that his assault of Paul was ideologically motivated; Paul sparred often with Trump throughout the Republican primary, but he’s broadly supported his agenda in Washington.

Matthew J. Baker, an attorney for Boucher, said Monday, in a statement provided to New York, “The unfortunate occurrence of November 3rd has absolutely nothing to do with either’s politics or political agendas.” Instead, Baker called it, “a very regrettable dispute between two neighbors over a matter that most people would regard as trivial.”

But what kind of trivial dispute could send you hurtling into a federal lawmaker, snapping his bones? Initially, reports said Paul sustained minor injuries. But by Monday, we learned his recovery could take months. A neighbor reached by phone Monday evening told New York that although such violence isn’t common in Rivergreen “that I’m aware of,” the incident wasn’t a big deal. “It’s just a — it was just a fight,” the neighbor said, before adding, “I really don’t have any information for you.”

Meanwhile, CNN reported that a different neighbor claimed Paul and Boucher “have a long-running dispute over grass clippings and leaves blown on each other’s lawns.” Rivergreen, as advertised in real estate listings and video tours, is one of those pristine Stepford neighborhoods where hardly a blade of grass is out of place.

According to a 2014 profile of Paul in The New Yorker, the rulebook for homeowners in Rivergreen is 21 pages long. It stipulates, among other things, that certain types of swimming pools and “gravel driveways, clotheslines, and piles of firewood visible to neighbors,” are banned, and homes built within its confines must be a minimum of 3,000 square feet, consisting of only “brick, stone, or stucco.”

The Times reported that Paul “grows pumpkins on his property, composts and has shown little interest for neighborhood regulations.” Rivergreen’s developer, a local named Jim Skaggs, repeatedly hung up the phone on this reporter but told the Times that Paul and Boucher “both had strong opinions, and a little different ones about what property rights mean.” He added, “They just couldn’t get along. I think it had very little to do with Democrat or Republican politics.”

[From New York Magazine]

Rand Paul grows PUMPKINS on his property? And he composts? While that kind of thing would fly in most neighborhoods, Rand’s neighborhood sounds like some fancy-smancy gated community for prissy white folks. But could that be the cause of this violence? I still believe it was something more than just “neighbor drama” or “pumpkin drama.” But maybe I’m being too conspiratorial. These kinds of disputes among wealthy, prissy white folks generally are picayune.

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