We all have dodgy uncles, don’t we? The person doesn’t even have to be an actual uncle, it’s just the person who never knows when to shut up, when to not reveal personal stories, when to avoid the press. It’s the person who sees you and says flat out “You should get pregnant so he’ll marry you, like you did with the last one” as you’re introducing your new boyfriend around. It’s the person who tells your boss about why you really got fired from your last job. It’s the person who offers an undercover reporter hookers and blow. Sometimes, I’m kind of that person in my family. I have problems differentiating between “internal family jokes not for public consumption” and “a funny story”. That being said, I’ve never offered a reporter hookers and blow, so I’m at least better than Kate Middleton’s dodgy uncle.

It’s generally accepted that Kate Middleton hasn’t made any “wrong steps” on her road to becoming Prince William’s wife. She hasn’t participated in any interviews knowingly or unknowingly, she hasn’t been the victim of any upskirt photographs. There isn’t any homemade porn in her past, and she’s proven she can keep a secret. So after some-odd seven years as Prince William’s on-again girlfriend, it’s surprisingly to learn that there’s a chink in the armor, and we’re only hearing about it now. An undercover reporter from News of the World was sent in to talk to Kate’s uncle, Gary Goldsmith. The results were rather astounding:

Kate Middleton’s uncle allegedly supplies drugs and arranges vice girls.

Gary Goldsmith also reportedly boasted about his niece Kate and her boyfriend, Britain’s Prince William, visiting his luxurious mansion on the party island of Ibiza, Spain, in 2006.

He told undercover reporters from Britain’s News of the World newspaper: “Yeah, so they all turn up with their M16 to guard them. My first words to Prince William were, ‘Oi, you f***er! Did you break my glass pyramids?’ He and a pal had been throwing balls around and broke all these ornamental pyramids I had loads of them. My friends were teaching William how to mix music on DJ decks. Yeah, it was brilliant. And they told him he needs to shout, ‘The King’s in da house!’ He’s a very friendly guy.”

Gary also claimed William, 27, made lewd comments about Kate’s breasts in front of her mother Carole Middleton.

He said: “They were talking about boobs at the time, around the table at my sister’s house. William said that more than a handful is a waste! He had to wear the hanky of shame. I made him put on a napkin!”

Gary claims Kate and William are also planning to return to his Spanish home next month and has hinted the couple will soon reveal their plans to wed.

He added: “They’re talking about an announcement later this year. I’ll be giving her away. I’ll be the Duke of Slough. I’m going to be up front. I want a speaking part.”

Gary has also been accused of offering the reporters a range of illegal substances and bragging he could fix them up with prostitutes for £600 ($983.82) a-night in Ibiza.

When one reporter said he was living in London, Gary reportedly replied: “You need me as a friend. I have a company that delivers to your door. And I can get cocaine to your door here too.”

After Gary had called an alleged drug dealer called Sharon who lives in Ibiza, he said: “She will deliver to wherever you are.”

Carole is believed to be furious with her brother for bragging about handing out drugs and speaking about the future king of England. A source said: “Carole is spitting fire. She never thought he would do something this stupid and betray the whole family.”

[From All Headline News]

No one looks good here, but the scandal isn’t going to be devastating, for many reasons. First, Prince William has his own “dodgy uncles” and then some, so who is he to judge? Secondly, I really think Kate has earned enough brownie points in the British media that she’s not going to take the hit on this. It’s pretty clear she’s not to blame, and this uncle will most likely be persona non grata in the many years to come. I’ve got to wonder about what Uncle Gary said about the wedding, and about Prince William’s behavior though… does it sound right? It this a clever way of putting some pressure on an engagement, with this dodgy uncle coming out and claiming that they’re already sort of engaged? If that’s the case, Kate is really clever. Props to her.

Kate Middleton and Prince William are shown out on 8/15/08. Credit: Splash News