I had been staring at several other websites’ posts about Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest Goop newsletter (here to read it on Goop‘s site), in which she recommends we all go on a detox diet because we’re all so fat and middle-class, and I was struck by a spooky sense of déjà vu. I went through the Celebitchy archives, and I figured out why – this is the third f-cking time in a year that Gwyneth has recommended a detox juice diet to us! The first time Gwyneth did it, her Goop was still shiny and new, and she offered us a fancy faux-cabbage-but-not lemon water diet. The second time was this past summer, when Gwyneth “recommended” a detox juice diet, but would only describe parts of it – so basically, you had to pay to find out. Anyway, here’s Gwyneth latest snotty missive:

For all of us resolution detoxers who want to start the year anew, I have asked Doug Evans and Denise Mari, co-founders of New York City’s fantastic Organic Avenue to contribute their knowledge. I discovered Organic Avenue a few years ago through a girlfriend who was about to do one of their fasts, and I joined her on the 5 day program. The result was pretty amazing and the juices and smoothies (esp. the coconut mylk and the cacao smoothie) were so delicious that I imbibe them whenever I’m in NYC. They make a cleanse easy with different degrees of gnarlyness and home delivery if you are in manhattan. If you aren’t, like me, Denise Mari, the juice guru has given us some recipes for a DIY fast. Love, Gwyneth.

[From Goop]

Okay, so after recommending three major juice detoxes in one year, I’m starting to think Gwyneth is constipated. I mean that literally, not in a “what does that bitch have stuffed up her ass?” sort of way. I mean, literally, Gwyneth has problems moving her bowels, and she’s literally full of sh-t. She’s got in her head that she needs to pay extraordinary sums of money to “detox” when she really just needs to get a little more fiber in her diet. Eat a banana, honey. Try some Metamucil.