The Scientology privacy curtain seems to be getting pulled back further and further lately. Either that or thetans are taking over my body and my perception is all warped. I’m guessing it’s a little bit of both. In September Kirstie Alley gave an abbreviation-laced interview to Scientology magazine SOURCE. (Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard was known as SOURCE). In it, Alley talks about how she used to dislike people so much that she loved animals a lot more than most humans. Though to be fair, I feel the same way about cheese. Anyway, apparently that was all changed after a little time at some abbreviation/lingo-filled Scientology summer camp.

“So this experience at Flag changed me totally. I can’t say enough about it, because I literally walked in the door of Flag four weeks ago as one person, and I’m walking out an entirely different being, and I mean ENTIRELY different.

My viewpoint on the fourth dynamic and mankind and other people changed. You know, I liked animals more than people! OK, I liked certain people, but the idea of mankind’-it really irritated me!

“But since being here in the AO and receiving some incredible auditing, combined with seeing the OT Summit, I started taking more and more responsibility for mankind. Then I realized why mankind upset me so much -it’s because I wasn’t taking responsibility!

“Now, I have genuine affinity for mankind and I’m up to taking genuine responsibility for mankind.

[From SOURCE, transcription found at http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/Secrets/Kirstie/]

You know if Kirstie Alley were one fifth as popular with the paparazzi as Britney Spears is, she’d be locked up at UCLA right now. Luckily for Kirstie, no one gives a damn about her outside of Jenny Craig and the Celebrity Centre. (Don’t forget the “re” in Centre, so you remember that it’s old fashioned and/or classy). Reading through any propaganda put out by Scientologists requires some major Wikipedia usage. I won’t even bother to explain most of the made-up crap terms they talk about. Suffice it to say that Flag is the name of their big church in Clearwater, where they hold a lot of their seminars/brain washes. Fox News also points out that Kirstie says she’s a Solo Nots Auditor. Big deal. My cat’s a solo nuts auditor after I took him to the vet for surgery, but he doesn’t make a big deal about it.

Alley, whose career has been mostly a muddle since “Cheers” went off the air in the 1990s, is described in the piece as a “Solo NOTS Auditor, Diamond Meritorious of the IAS and a founding member of the Super Expansion Project.”

What does all that mean?

Well, Solo Nots Auditor is a high-level Scientologist who spends several hours a day, according to their glossary, exorcising “body thetans” or aliens who are stuck to their bodies.

Diamond Meritorious is more interesting. This means Alley has donated a staggering $5 million to the International Association of Scientology.

[From Fox News]

Sometimes the Scientologists make it so easy to mock them that it’s not even fun. Give me a challenge, make me think a little! When the jokes just present themselves eagerly it leads to a very dull day. Both Kirstie Alley and Tom Cruise have talked a lot about how Scientologists are the only people who can really help the rest of us. Something about saving us from our own thetan souls. Ian Gurvitz of the Huffington Posts noted:

No longer plagued by original thought, discursive reasoning, or any financial assets whatsoever, they have become the kind of people who are so right in the mind that when they drive past an automobile accident, they know they are the only one in the world who can help. That is because they will be driving a combination ambulance and tow truck, and will have been trained as an insurance adjuster and EMT technician.

[From the Huffington Post]

Thank goodness we have Kirstie Alley again. When she was still a messed up/pissy Scientologist this past summer, she probably would have driven right by our wrecked car, or stopped just long enough to grab our dog out of the front seat. But now that she’s gone to the Flag AO OT Summit and donated what’s probably amounted to tens of millions of dollars, she’s seen the error of her ways. Now she’ll stop at our wrecked car, administer some thetan auditing, and grab our dog out of the front seat.

Note by Celebitchy: Here are scans of Kirstie’s crazy promotional interview, thanks to professor Dave Touretzky in the Computer Science Department at Carnegie Mellon University. For more background on Scientology, read his article in Razor.

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