This morning, somebody picked Lindsay Lohan’s crackhead off the cocaine-dusted mirror and stapled a note to her bloated lips: “Your daddy is getting married to Kate Major.” When Lindsay awoke to her throbbing lips, she didn’t think anything of it. It wasn’t until she started snorting last night’s remnants off the mirror that she saw the note. She read it, did the coke, chugged some vodka straight from the bottle, and called up Us Weekly to respond: “I’m gonna vomit…I so didn’t need that info … Yuck!” Thus spoketh The Blohan. Anyway, yes, it’s true! Michael and Kate Major are engaged. Try not to vomit like Lindsay:

Michael Lohan has popped the question to Jon Gosselin’s ex, Kate Major.

“She’s been there for five years with me. I think a friendship is more important than anything when you have a relationship, and this is the strongest one in my life,” Lohan, 49, tells UsMagazine.com.

Lohan says he was waiting for the “situation with Lindsay to resolve” before announcing the engagement. He has been encouraging his troubled daughter to enter rehab.

“[Two weeks ago], I went down to Florida with Kate to visit her dad. I was in a hot tub with her dad at their house, and I said, ‘There’s something we have to talk about.’ He said, ‘Oh my God, don’t tell me Kate’s pregnant!'” Lohan jokes. “I told him I was looking at the future, and I wanted to make it formal and take it to the next level. After that, he approved, then Kate and I discussed it and she discussed it with her dad.”

While Major, 27, isn’t expecting now, she and Lohan do eventually plan to have children. “That’s one of the things I spoke to her dad about. I’m not getting any younger and Kate wants to have children,” Lohan says.

Of the engagement, Major tells Us, “I’m really happy.”

She’s already started planning.

“I have talked to some of the bridesmaids and we have discussed having the wedding later this year. It’s going to be at Oheka Castle in New York. But right now, I’m just enjoying being engaged… We’re really excited!”

Plus, Major tells Us, “The ring is gorgeous!”

She hasn’t received well wishes from Gosselin yet. “Jon and I don’t speak, but I wish him and Kate Gosselin the best,” Major tells Us.

[From Us Weekly]

Yeah, they’re not getting married. Michael will f-ck it up, but something tells me that whackadoodle Kate Major will cling to his wife-beating dumbass until he dumps her. I like how Michael has already given himself an out – he’s going to wait to get married until “the situation with Lindsay” gets “resolved”. But a cold chill went down my spine at the news that Kate wants to have Michael’s Mesh Shirt Babies. UGH.