Would you like the real dish on what Lindsay Lohan is really and truly like in jail? Look no further than this hilariously tragic portrait of Lindsay, via The Sun’s sources:

LINDSAY LOHAN has been moved to solitary confinement to keep her away from abusive inmates, according to a recently released lag. The actress has reportedly kept prisoners at LA County jail awake at night as she wails over the taunts chanted at her repeatedly throughout the day. As a result, Lindsay’s been put in lockdown as officials bid to make conditions more bearable for all, says former inmate Cheryl Presser.

She revealed: “Lindsay would lie there shivering all night, crying and covering her face with her hands. Her wailing was keeping everyone awake. She had a hysterical fit, crying and yelling, so she got put in isolation.”

According to an insider, the once fashionable starlet is now wearing an orange jumpsuit and one-size-fits-all “granny panties” that she has to knot at the sides to keep from falling down.

“She’s been crying all day long and is a total mess,” says a source about Lindsay’s incarceration, which may reportedly last only 14 of the 90 days to which she was sentenced, due to overcrowding. “She’s now in a catatonic, out-of-it calm.”

Lindsay’s pampered lifestyle changed overnight, beginning with her 8-by-12-foot cell at the Lynwood jail in LA, which is kept at brutally cold temperatures. “Sleeping is difficult,” says the insider. And a Lynwood source claims that Lindsay was given a regular bed — versus the standard thin mattress the other inmates have — but only a thin blanket, without a pillow.

Even though Lindsay must be beyond miserable, she still receives preferential treatment, including her own television, special phone privileges, extended time with visitors and special food. Her perks have infuriated the gang leaders in the jail, who feel they’ve been upstaged by a celebrity. “Lots of girls in here would love to clock her, just to be known as ‘the girl who decked Lindsay,” says the insider. “She’d better watch herself.”

[From The Sun and In Touch Weekly]

I mean, yes, it’s sad. But it’s also kind of funny, in the same way I found Lindsay’s crack tears funny when she was being sentenced. Lindsay is in her jail cell alone, and she’s been able to keep using her “prescription medication” so what the hell is she “wailing” about again? Oh, right. Because no one is paying attention to her and her stupid crack drama. It’s only for two weeks, for the love of God! Do you know how sort-of awesome that sounds?

Speaking of crack drama, Lindsay’s poor lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley told People Magazine that Lindsay is looking to have a few days as a buffer after she leaves jail and before she enters rehab. Holley says Lindsay would like to spend that time “with her family.” “Family” = “her real family, cocaine and vodka.”

With less than a week left in jail, Lindsay Lohan is now thinking – and worrying – about what comes next: her mandatory three months in rehab.

“She’s a little upset right now,” her attorney Shawn Chapman Holley said after visiting the actress Tuesday. “She’d like to spend some time with her family, and there’s at least some question as to whether or not she’ll have to go directly to rehab.”

Prosecutors confirmed Tuesday that Lohan must report to an L.A.-based residential rehab facility 24 hours after her release from jail, which likely will be Sunday or Monday, but her attorney is concerned “there’s a push now for her to go directly to rehab from jail.”

“I think it would only be fair for her to spend some time with her family and that’s what she’d like for me to emphasize to judge,” says Holley.

Lohan, 24, has been jailed at the women’s facility in Lynwood, Calif., since July 20 for a 90-day sentence for violating probation in a DUI case. Her term is being reduced due to overcrowding.

[From People]

Yes, when Lindsay turned herself in, Judge Revel did emphasize that Lindsay was going to be going straight into rehab after her release from jail, so I’m not sure what all this crack drama is about now. Lindsay must really need a fix.

One last thing: remember how Lindsay got to keep her hair extensions? And how that was just one part of the list of special treatments Lindsay was getting? Well, the sheriff’s spokesman actually went on the record about it! According to this dude, Lindsay’s extensions “are bonded to her hair, sewn too close to the scalp to remove.”