Crazy Papa Joe Simpson must be dancing with glee at youngest daughter Ashlee’s supposed upcoming nuptials. Why, you ask? Because he’s filled with joy that his daughter has found the love of her life? Because he’s relieved that the possibly-maybe-who-knows knocked-up singer is at least being made a decent woman? We think it’s most likely because he’s supposedly demanding seven figures from whatever mag wants to cover Ashlee’s nuptials. That’s right, it’s all about the numbers.

How much would you pay to attend Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson’s “secret” wedding? We hear a seven-figure sum is being offered for exclusive coverage of this Saturday’s hush-hush nuptials.

The hastily planned wedding is coming just two months after the couple announced their engagement, doing little to quash rumors of Simpson’s pregnancy. And the event itself is so classified that even invited guests don’t have all the details. Friends and family received cryptic Evites (classy!) telling them to book hotel rooms in the L.A. area, and that they’ll be picked up by private cars. One warning: Cell phones and cameras are strictly forbidden.

We hear that Simpson has chosen a Vera Wang gown (hopefully with an Empire waist!), while Wentz and his groomsmen will don Dolce & Gabbana tuxes. Meanwhile, Ashlee’s big sis, Jessica, is said to be hosting a rehearsal dinner at her house Friday night.

While this might seem like another Hollywood romance unlikely to last, a pal of the couple says their co-dependence will stand the test of time. “Ashlee is so needy – she just hangs all over Pete,” says our mole. “But he loves it. He’s always had a thing for vulnerable girls. In a weird way, they complete each other. I can’t imagine one would ever leave the other.” Ain’t love grand!

[From Rush & Molloy]

What says love more than a big payout to your dadager and an evite? Look, Simpson family, this isn’t helping your reputation any. Evites are for a last-minute bar hopping when you’re bored at work and have nothing better to do than design some asinine invitation with a pig theme. I don’t care where you’re from or how you work it, it’s not for your wedding. Especially if you’re going to be wearing a Vera Wang gown and the men will be in Dolce & Gabbana. At least spend the $30 and drop by your local Target. I’m sure you can figure out how to work your printer within a couple of hours.

Never put it past Joe Simpson to milk his children’s happiness for all it’s worth. At this point he should just be glad there’s a man willing to deal with a Simpson woman for longer than 15 minutes. I hope he’s offering Pete Wentz some kind of dowry or something. It should really be a “Thanks for agree to put up with me for the next 35 years until the sweet release of death finds me.” That’s almost as inspirational as an evite.

Here’s Ashlee arriving at the Riverside Studios and signing autographs on May 2nd. Header of Ashlee and Pete at the Bravo Supershow 2008 at Arena Nurnberg on May 3rd. Images thanks to WENN.