If I could be start life again and choose who I would be born as, I would be Mark A. Perigard. Who? The brilliant reviewer for the Boston Herald, who started off his review of Denise Richards’ new reality show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated with the following: “Denise Richards’ life is one steaming pile of pig poop.”

While he goes on to explain a little more – turns out pig poop really does play a central role in Richards’ life – the metaphor sticks. And when you reflect on all the negative press Richards and ex-husband Charlie Sheen have been engaging in towards each other over the last few weeks, you realize that her life really is pig poop, and nothing more. Man I love feeling superior.

In the debut of her allegedly unscripted series “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated” the actress, ex-wife of Charlie Sheen and tabloid mainstay heads up a household stuffed with humans and animals. It’s hard to tell who matters more. In the opener, her pet pigs win out.

Two pigs mount each other in a soft glow as Muzak plays. Is this humorous? Animal Planet would show more discretion. Producer Ryan Seacrest (“American Idol”) seems to have lost his grip halfway through the episode. I for one cannot scrub the image out of my head of one of her dogs eating pig poo. Thank you, Seacrest.

In the human side of this heroic life, Richards is trolling for a new man. It’s hard finding one who can (ewww) measure up to her standards. “Everyone says I need to date a normal guy. What is normal, anyway? For me, normal is a famous actor or a rock star. That’s normal,” she says.

She reluctantly agrees to a blind date, but the man inadvertently trips her gaydar. Sheen went public with complaints that Richards was using their toddlers in the series to rehab her image. The kids are cute, but they’re like everything else here – part of the wallpaper of Richards’ ditzy life.

[From the Boston Herald]

Charlie Sheen infamously called Denise Richards a “sad, jobless pig” in an email last fall. I guess she decided to roll with it. Apparently we’re supposed to see Denise as this “complicated” woman who’s beautiful but will still scoop the pig poo when she needs to. Something tells me it won’t work.

Sheen’s argument that Richards is using their daughters Sam and Lola has some validity. I’ve never seen one single picture of their kids when they don’t look absolutely miserable – especially when they’re with Denise. Seriously, regular kids learn to smile for the camera. Yet the little daughters of two “famous” celebrities can’t muster it.

It’s actually really sad to look at their faces. I’m wondering if the show will manage to edit enough to make it seem like Sam and Lola are actually happy, or if we’ll be subjected to a half hour’s proof that these kids in are in for a lifetime of suckitude.

Here’s a clip from Denise’s show. Thanks to Redlasso. Header of Denise leaving Fox Studios in Manhattan after promoting her show yesterday. Images thanks to WENN.