Another day, another million reports of another date between Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift. It’s the one thing that every tabloid can agree on – Swifty and Jake are hitting it. And by “hitting it” I mean “braiding each other’s hair.” I said before that I find this whole thing icky and gross, and now that I’ve had more time to think… it’s still a very strange coupling. Maybe I just don’t get how a guy like Jake finds anything interesting/attractive about Taylor. What’s the attraction? Yes, she’s a pretty girl, but… I don’t know. She’s not sexy, at all. Whatever, I guess. The tabloids love this.

Hollywood Life’s report about the coupling suggests that Swifty is into “older guys” because “She comes on too strong. She scares off the men in her life … and her therapy is to express her feelings on paper.” Which scares off men, I guess. Because no one likes being called a butthead by the girl who writes songs about middle school! HL’s source also notes, “She has a thing for older men. She’s young and wants what every girl wants her age — to get married. … [Taylor and Jake] just met and are spending time together, but Jake seems to want to settle down. He’s ready for marriage and he wants kids.” Ugh. Yes, more “Jake just wants to get married and have babies” stuff. And now he’s found his perfect virginal wife! God, how stereotypical. I used to believe that Jake just wanted to get married and be settled down, but I don’t believe that any more. I think that’s just his line, what he says to get girls in bed. I think if he wanted to be married and have kids, that’s what he would be doing.

Next up: Us Weekly. They claim that Jake and Swifty’s first date was… apple picking. Jesus. Christ. Next they’ll be telling me that he picked dandelions for her, and presented them to her in a bouquet, wrapped in a ribbon that was originally part of his mother’s wedding dress. Us Weekly reports: “The two were spotted Saturday at the Fishkill Farms in Hopewell Junction, N.Y, where they toured fall foliage and went apple-picking.” A source notes: “They were walking through the trees, having fun together. They looked happy. Some of the customers tried to take a photo of them, but they were hiding from them in the trees. They drove through the orchard and bought the apples on the way out.” Jake paid. It was three dollars. The magazine also has a source who claims that the relationship is “maybe two or three weeks old…I’m not sure who pursued whom — but they’re both into it.”

Only People Magazine seems to have romance (and unicorn) doubting sources. The sources seem like they are deeply entrenched in Team Swifty, and they sounds very mom-like: “Taylor is very serious about her career. For her, it’s all about the career right now. She’s not really interested in getting heavily involved with anyone. If she does have a serious relationship, it’s probably going to be with someone who’s not in the industry or someone who’s not a household name. With Jake, she probably figures, why not be seen together and keep everyone guessing.” You know what, Mom? If you couldn’t get her to stop with John Mayer, I don’t trust you as a source. Anyway, a Team Jake source also chimed in: “They’re cute together. But I don’t think there’s anything to it. Everyone’s talking about it. They hung out. But that’s it. I don’t think they’re a couple.”

Photos courtesy of WENN.