FROM THE DESK OF CLIVE OWEN:
Hello, darlings. Did you think I would leave this party without dropping you a line? I know how you like to hear from me. I know how you like to hear my posh, can’t-be-bothered growl. I know how you wish you were hearing it right before I tie you to the bed. Do you need a moment? I’ll wait.
I’m in Paris, for an event for Bulgari. Julianne Moore was here too – she looks like hell. She’s in dire need of a good “Cliving” you know? I know, I know, she has a young partner and she’s a happy mom and everything. But I swear I saw drool coming out of her mouth when she saw me. The drool dripped onto this hideous outfit she was wearing:
Still, wonderful actress, and a friend. That’s why you love me – because I have age-appropriate lady-friends. I’m never trying to sauce it up with some barely legal starlet. Trust me, there were only old whores at this event, and they loved their piece of The Clive. Ha!
Do you like the way I lean, ladies? How about the way I give you my patented little half-smirk? God, I love when your eyes crawl all over me. That’s why I keep showing up for these promotional events. Pretty soon I’ll make you forget all about that Jon Hamm motherf‘er. Yes, I’m a petty, jealous bitch when it comes to your affection. Here, let me graze my crotch while you watch.
Do you love it? I see you drooling. Get in line, ladies.
Love, Clive
Photos courtesy of WENN.
No, just no. Wedding ring on crotch does not make me drool.
I actually love her dress. Love the whole outfit!
Julianne looks very “Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome”.
SQWEEEEEEEE … is all I have to say to this post … you must never ever stop writing these.
so good
@kaiser
Holy crap how your cyber voice changed in this thread!!! Almost scary. Like Angie, you are a multidimensional personality. Luv it.
Well, it’s a party in my panties now, that’s for sure. *sigh* *drool*
HAHAHHA!! Love it!
Hahaha! I LOVE these!!
It’s official. I like FTDO Clive better than HGF. F*cking hilarious!!!! I love it Kaiser!
I could definitely do with some ‘Cliving’ right about now.
Damn, this gorgeous man can wear the hell out of a suit.
clive and george clooney from Go Fug Yourself should cross post!
Thank you, Kaiser, for knowing how to start off a Friday! Love it!
I was feeling so blue this morning. Then I read your post. Thanks Kaiser you’ve made my day!
Love. Him.
Hahahaha, definitely made my morning.
ahaha LOVE this feature!
Hot Clive! 😀
lovely and hilarious! thank you!
@ # 12 – Bina: co-sign!
I really missed Clive as the dessert at HGF, but this installment from his desk is so much better!
Hilarious!
I do love him for his age-appropriate lady friends! It’s true! I do!
I haven’t laughed that hard in quite a while – freaking awesome >_<
I’ve been waiting, nay pining for another one of these. Thanks Kaiser!
Hey somebody should tell Clive that he’s got his own meme here at Celebitchy. Any of you ladies or gents got a blog? Let’s make this viral people. Help spread the Clive and Kaiser love.
Bring the lust my way Clive…meooooww…
@ Kaiser
WIN.
Ever since I “discovered” you in King Arthur, nobody looked so good in chain mail or anything else for that matter. You’re effect on me is hypnotic, simply hypnotic and I cannot remember the last time an actor did that to me.
Keep doing it.