Okay, so this is just my review of The Tourist – if you want to read the bad reviews, and there are totally SO MANY bad reviews, go here to Rotten Tomatoes, where The Tourist is holding at 20%. From the looks of the reviews, you’d think that Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie had made Ishtar 2: Kingdom of the Crystal Dong. But I went to see The Tourist last night, and I have a confession: it really wasn’t that bad. In fact, I rather enjoyed it.

Is it because I’m a Brangeloonie? Sure. I’m positive that my card-carrying membership to Empress Zahara’s Queendom had something to do with my general warmth towards the film. But if something sucks hard, I hope you have enough faith in me to call it as I see it. Here’s an example: when I saw Salt earlier this year, it disappointed me. I thought it was a waste of many talented people, I thought the script issues were atrocious, and I thought the plot holes were ridiculous. I don’t really want to see Salt again – but I would watch The Tourist again tomorrow.

So why the bad reviews? I think it’s because there is a problem with “tone”. The film isn’t some serious movie, and it’s totally not the best work any of the actors or the director has ever done or will ever do. It was like the film didn’t know whether it was a quirky little Hitchcock Lite suspense/dramedy or whether it should just be full-on action/drama.

And yes, there were other problems too: the music was sketchy, and detracted from several key scenes. Angelina’s hair was a rat’s nest for the last half of film, and it was totally distracting. Also, her costumes: she can wear the hell out of a suit or a slim-cut dress, but the evening clothes were tragic. For a major part of the film, she’s wearing a ghastly Gone With the Wind ball gown – in another part, she’s wearing a lumpy satin dress that makes her abdomen look like a tree trunk. Poor girl has never had much of a defined waist, and this dress was the wrong choice for her body type. As for Depp – his come-and-go facial hair was distracting. As was Jolie’s come-and-go accent.

What was good? Depp and Jolie gave understated, solid performances. Once again, not the best work from either of them, but they weren’t bad either. They didn’t have a lot of sexual chemistry, but their little love story was sweet, and the two characters seemed to affectionately like each other, rather than be all hot and bothered for each other. There were no sex scenes – there didn’t need to be. This was Depp as his most “normal” – no garish costumes or makeup to hide behind. It was nice. Refreshing, even. It was also refreshing to see Jolie play a character where her default position isn’t on “kick his ass”. Her character gets out of situations realistically, like a smaller woman without a death wish would, rather than some strident action heroine, bustin’ a cap in every bitch trying to mess with her. I also liked that she was playing “beautiful” – every man who comes into contact with her stops to check her out. Angelina doesn’t play that part very often.

My favorite part of the film? Paul Bettany. He was AMAZING. If you feel like seeing a fun, silly little movie and you’re trying to decide, let Paul Bettany’s scene-stealing performance be the deciding factor. Every scene with him popped. He was funny, he was sexy, he was dashing, and he was a total wisecracking, know-it-all a–hole. He was the perfect foil, the perfect character actor, the perfect sidekick.

There was also some decent character work done by the underutilized Timothy Dalton and Rufus Sewell, and a cameo by Raoul Bova. The “villain” was played by long-time character actor Steven Berkoff, who, if you’re in anything like me, is known solely for his role as Victor Maitland in Beverly Hills Cop. Of course, I’ve seen Beverly Hills Cop about a million times, so during all of Berkoff’s scenes, I was flashing back to his dialogue with Eddie Murphy.

All in all, I’d give the film a B-minus. If you want to see something silly, sweet and a bit cheesy, and Paul Bettany looking fine in a suit, you should see this.

Photos courtesy of WENN.