“Victory is mine, PEASANTS!!” – Goop.

Also, some SPOILERS below.

Once again, it is CRAZY SLOW today, so I’m searching for interesting stories. And then it occurred to me – Country Strong is opening in wide release today. Just how bad are the reviews? Well, they’re pretty bad. Like, “Country Strong makes The Tourist look like Citizen Kane” bad. Gwyneth Paltrow’s hopeful “comeback” lead role has a dismal 16% on Rotten Tomatoes. Her performance specifically is rubbing people the wrong way, but critics seem to have a problem with the entire film in general too. I imagine most people would have issues with a film in which a pregnancy country star got drunk and fell off the stage, miscarrying. I mean… come on. Here are some samplings from the reviews:

Toronto Star: “Much has been made of ice-queen Paltrow’s conversion to country siren, by way of a few warbles that suggests she’s really a hayseed at heart. But there’s scant sonic evidence to prove it: all of her numbers in Country Strong, including the title tune, are reduced to brief snippets, often drowned out by her band or the roar of crowd-for-hire. Paltrow’s Kelly Canter is more karaoke than country, but to be fair, it’s not entirely her fault. The many tunes in Country Strong are of such astounding banality, it’s as if they were written by caged chimps as they were driven through Nashville on the way to a medical research lab.”

Roger Ebert: “Country Strong” is one of the best movies of 1957, and I mean that sincerely as a compliment… This is a movie into which Lee Remick and Rock Hudson and Sandra Dee would have slipped without shoehorns, and Douglas Sirk would have known where to march them. Its emotions are strong and visible. Its motives are clear. Its music performances are so good, we wish they lasted longer. Gwyneth Paltrow is so beautiful and is just really so nice that she brings enormous sympathy to her role. And Hedlund’s Beau would do anything for a woman — or two women, in this case… Another thing that places this movie in the 1950s milieu is its understanding of alcoholism. It thinks being drunk comes on people in sudden spurts, like a sneezing fit, and goes away when the plot needs it to. Kelly will be waving a vodka bottle at one moment and morosely pondering at the next. She (Paltrow, that is) has a lovely scene where she coaches young Chiles on what she needs to know about sweat stains, high heels and love.”

Newark Star-Ledger: “Country Strong [is] a big musical drama with Gwyneth Paltrow as a fresh-from-rehab singer falling apart on the comeback trail. Full of self-regard, the picture even played Los Angeles last month, in order to qualify for possible Academy Awards. Confidence is a lovely thing. Sometimes. But “Country Strong,” sadly, includes everything on the best-actress checklist except a performance — unless you consider two hours of Paltrow alternating between drunken crying jags and wan country warbling something more than a privileged star showing off…I mean, a country star who miscarried when she fell off the stage in a drunken stupor? And now coos to an orphaned baby bird she carries around in a cigar box? When she’s not knocking Tony Lamas with her cute male nurse from the rehab center?”

Yeah… Ebert kind of liked it. I think he’s a fan of The Goop. But this junk sounds hideous, it really does. Not only that, it also is starting to seem vaguely offensive, like THIS is what all of those Northern Aggressors think we’re like in the South. Note to Hollywood (and Gwyneth specifically): Y’all need to actually spend some time in the South. Not everyone sounds like Britney Spears, not everyone listens to country music, not everyone drives a pickup truck, and we’re not all hysterical lushes. Just FYI. Maybe Goop should devote a newsletter to her Brit-Brit twang. Wouldn’t you love that?

Hot mess: