You know what’s pathetic? I was at my local pet store today and I actually saw a Paris Hilton brand of dog shampoo, formulated specifically for short-haired poodles. Then I went to the .99 Cent store and saw two different Paris Hilton books. No, they weren’t in the .99 cent bin at a bookstore. These books were considered so low that they had to be shuttled to an entirely separate building so as not to embarrass the other merchandise.

I then ambled over (yes I amble sometimes) to the shoe department at Macy’s and saw their Paris Hilton collection. It actually wasn’t the worst I’d ever seen, and I appreciated that all the shoes come in size 14. Then on my way home I stopped at Duane Reade and sniffed a few bottles of Paris Hilton perfume while buying some tampons. Though the tampons – sadly enough – were not Paris Hilton brand, which sort of upset me. The soundtrack for my shopping excursion? Paris’ Stars are Blind single, set to repeat.

Of all these examples from my very busy day, only one is made up. Paris has slapped her tacky name (a.k.a. “branded”) on four of the five previously mentioned products, and dozens more. Why? Why not? Why not stick your name on a bunch of cheap crap that other people designed and built, then take credit for it, make a lot of money, and call yourself a businesswoman? If that’s all it takes (and it seems very likely that’s all Paris does) I’m going to go around slapping stickers that say “JayBird” (yes that’s my real name, cute huh?) on every third item I see for the next five days and tell the company they have to send me a residual check. And I’m starting with hair extensions, and will be slapping my JayBird sticker right on top of Paris’.

The Paris Hilton empire just keeps on growing. Guess what’s she’s coming out with next?

Something called the Bandit, which is described in a press releases as “the first interchangeable hair extension headband.” (From what we can gather, it’s a headband in which hair extensions attach to it with Velcro.)

Ms. Hilton will debut these hair thingamajigs (they come in three lengths and various colors, including, of course, Paris Blonde) on Saturday at a private L.A.-area press conference and fashion show.

[From E! News]

Thank goodness the event is private. Can you imagine just how jam-packed it would be if anyone who wanted to could walk right it and take a gander at Paris’ cheap extensions? Actually I don’t think I’ll be slapping the JayBird sticker on this particular product. But the Kiss Bubble doggie dress? That is definitely a future JayBird-endorsed product. Or maybe the Floral Paisley Bustier. I just can’t decide.

Here’s a billboard on Sunset Blvd in West Hollywood advertising ‘Paris Hilton Footwear’ which will be available at Zappos, along with Paris at the launch of her shoe collection at Macy’s Las Vegas on July 29th. Photographer: Chris Connor. Images thanks to WENN.