For some reason, I’ve always kind of liked Kate Walsh. I’ve never really paid attention to her work on television or anything, but in interviews, she comes across as kind of brassy redheaded bitch, which I appreciate. I get tired of the wilting flowers and the girls who are too weak to speak or engage. Anyway, Kate covers the April issue of More Magazine, and she’s still talking about her 2008 divorce (after a whirlwind romance and engagement), and how she always pictured herself a traditional wife and mother:
On her tabloid divorce:
“Oh my God. The worst thing ever. It was so public, and yet it was so legal-embroiled. You couldn’t talk about anything…”On lessons learned from marriage and a short courtship:
“I’ve always had the courage thing down, but then I had to develop the rest. I’ve learned to seek other people’s counsel more. That’s a good part of growing up.”On not having children:
“I feel like a loser. I would definitely love to be a parent. But I definitely don’t think I want to do it on my own. Things are just going to go the way they go… I thought I’d be married and have three or four kids. I always knew I wanted to be an actress, but I think I always wanted a quote-unquote normal life because I had a very untraditional upbringing.”On aging:
“It certainly requires you to take care of yourself. But I like to eat food, and I don’t diet,” she says. “I do Pilates, and hike with my dog. As you get older, everything changes. Everything starts getting … looser. But I think it’s important to accept that. I’m lucky. I’ve got pretty good genes. But I think it’s a weird thing to fight it.”
[From Huffington Post & People Mag]
Is it wrong to admit that I too sometimes feel like a “loser” because I am childless/child-free? I’ve always been kind of ambivalent about the whole motherhood thing personally, but I also worry that I’d make a pretty crappy mom. I’m a good mom to my dog – and that’s good enough for me right now. I still have several years left to make up my mind for good. Not so much for Kate – she’s more than a decade older than me! So… that actually makes me feel a bit better about myself – Kate doesn’t have it figured out either.
Photos courtesy of More Magazine.
How old is she? I turn 40 next year with no prospects of ever becoming a mum or meeting anyone and it does really pain me sometimes. So I guess I know how she feels.
Why is she so harsh to herself ?
I am a proud childfree woman and find it empowering. I am 10000 miles away from viewing myself as a loser also.
Perhaps she should embrace her freedom more and focus on all the good sides being childfree/less.
I’ve never wanted kids– as a little girl I never dreamt of it or hoped or it. In no sense of any interpretation fo the word, do I feel like a loser.
Shhhh, Kate! Don’t let the loons hear you say that. They think anyone that is 40 and has not procreated, is just a barren, dreadful woman!
I don’t have kids either, by choice, and I have had the odd moment or two when I’ve wondered if I’d made a terrible mistake in not having them. But then I realize that it’s better to not have them at all than to have kids and realize it’s not for you. Too many people who should never have had children are parents.
I think what she is trying to say is that she wanted kids, but because her marriage ended in divorce with no children, she failed at getting what she wanted ( a husband and kids). She wasn’t saying that all people without children are losers – just that she wanted some and it didn’t work out.
I always get strange looks from people when they ask why I’m not pumping out kids and married yet and I answer that uhm, that’s never really been my goal in life. I like kids just fine, but I just don’t have the burning desire to tie myself to someone for all eternity. Why is this so darn weird to people? Anyone? Bueller???
She says SHE feels like a loser because she would like to be a parent but is not one. Her statement was very personal. She did not say childless woman = loser.
I got married young and got divorced by 25 and constantly felt like a loser. I really noticed it with my older friends who looked down on me for being divorced and childless.
Now I’m 31 and seeing a lot my other friends marriages start to crumble and I feel awful for those with kids. I want to have children but I don’t want to do it on my own, or with a partner I don’t think will be there in 10 years.
OH @ flotus! I am totally making that a t-shirt. ‘Barren, Dreadful Woman’ on the front, and ‘Don’t Want no Short D-ck Man’ on the back.
Interesting. Do you feel like a loser, or is it more about outside expectations? If you are ambivalent about motherhood, maybe its not for you. I feel that the “loser” label comes from external social and societal expectations. Friends, family, etc will plant their views in your head “But why don’t you have children?” with subtext: what’s wrong with you? are you a bad egg? Even the word “Spinster” has such negative connotations in our culture (contrast with “Bachelor”)… I know many women who have not had children. You can still enjoy kids and not have a desire to be a parent. Parenting is a huge commitment, years of money, time, energy… Kids are draining. But, if its worth it, you can make it work. It’s not for everyone. I only wish more women would come forward with their views on being “Child Free” so that other women could consider it a legitimate decision, and not be so catty and judgmental about it. George Clooney can say “I’m never getting married, and I don’t want kids” and his movie will open at #1 in the Box Office. Yet, Jennifer Aniston can’t say the same thing? It’s an unfair double standard.
I never wanted kids either. I love my niece and nephew to the moon in back. I like kids in general. However, a 24/7 18+ year commitment has never interested me and never will. Doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t have to pretend to want kids and have kids to feel normal. There are more than enough kids out their being born by other people.
Unfortunately as we know not all of them are wanted. I am very proud of myself for realizing I don’t have to have kids to be worth something. Unfortunately not everyone understands that. However, as she does want kids I totally understand why she feels like a loser sometimes. I have friends who deal with the tick tick ticking issue.
Roma – you and me, both. Of course, watching people crank out their second and third babies while I’m still a childless divorcee isn’t FUN (particularly because I’d actually LIKE to be a mother some day) it’s better I didn’t end up popping out a few babies with a loser ex, because I’d be REALLY struggling to cut it as a single mom…….
Definitely glad I’m in a position to wait to have kiddos – but understand that 10 years down the road when I hit 40, if it hasn’t happened, I might have those “I’m a loser, I’ve let myself down, this isn’t where I thought I’d be” moments….
Don’t feel like a loser. I have none of my own (my choice) but my fiance has two. My bonus kids are good kids, but kids in general are alot of work. & I found that I have way more maternal instinct than I had believed. But…I can’t imagine what a psycho bitch I would be if they didn’t go home so I could have a breather. I know that I’m way too selfish to have my own kids & it’s better to admit that than to make some poor kid(s) suffer b/c Mommy doesn’t want to be bothered with them.
She prob doesn’t feel like a loser as much as PEOPLE make her feel like one because she hasn’t had kids YET. She was married and wanted it to happen then but it didn’t work out. She could do like Sandra B and adopt on her own?
We all have those ‘friends’ that rant and rave about how having children is the BEST thing that ever happened to them while encouraging you to find a man and have a child for yourself. When I tell some of my friends that I may never get married (but just be in a long term relationship without legal ceremony) and that I most def do NOT want children they treat me like a leper!! Like the devil incarnate- “But how can you not love kids and want one of your own?” I just don’t. That doesn’t make me a selfish bitch
It’s irritating as ALL hell which is why I have a smidge of respect for Cameron Diaz. I remember when she gave an interview in her 30’s and basically said that she didn’t want kids and was fulfilled with her life! That was considered blasphemy to some…
I don’t think Kate meant all women are losers if they don’t have kids, simply that it was her life plan and it got derailed.
@Kaiser, there is NOTHING wrong with not having kids. You’re cutting down on wasted environmental resources, you’re making a smart financial decision, and you have plenty of free time. Several of our friends made that choice, and they are happy, fulfilled, successful, and travel more than any bitches I know.
I’m having one, but I have to admit, it’s not a choice for everyone. Some days, I’m wondering WTF I was thinking? (Oh, right, the hubby and I were thinking, why not do a bunch of tequila shots, drink a bottle of wine and a fifth of captain?) And before ANYONE jumps my ass for not feeling grateful every moment of every day that my ribs are sore, my bladder is the size of a pea, and I am starting to WADDLE, I’m 30 weeks pregnant, I’ve been without tequila since the day I found out, and I will cut a bitch. There seems to be this preconceived notion that mommies are sweet and kind and that everyone should want children because it’s a natural, blessed outcome of marriage as defined by the social right. Well, f*ck the propoganda machine. Childbirth is going to be WAR! Raising children with brains and humor without turning them into spoiled brats or sycophantic yes men is probably WAR! So why take it on unless you’re absolutely sure you’ve got a support system, be it a husband, wife, SO, family, friends, whatever, that will have your back and you’re willing to devote the next oh, I don’t know…30+ years to making sure your child is healthy, happy, etc.
Plus, someone has to balance out the d*mn Duggar family.
Before I had a child, I vaguely felt like a failure for not having any children. Now that I have one child, I sometimes feel like a failure because I *only* have one. I feel like Kate Walsh was probably expressing the way she feels when she measures her actual life experiences against the expectations that women are raised to have about the path of their adult lives. I think many women, to a greater or lesser degree of course, are a little haunted by the spectre of an abundantly fertile mother-figure whose joy in life lies in her reproductive prowess, even though this is a pretty unrealistic and outdated image.
I’ve never been interested in having kids, but since I’m in my early twenties, people keep telling me that “maybe I’ll change my mind.” Ugh. I’m glad to read all the comments above about not wanting/not having kids and being perfectly fine with it, or deciding that it’s really what is best. It makes me feel better that I have very minimal maternal instinct and probably won’t change my mind about having kids. And if I do, well then my mom will be very happy.
As a ‘loon’ I don’t think that at all. I think the fact that certain people aren’t honest about their desires (or lack there of) for children. And use the state of their womb as a marketing tool (People cover 02/09/11) is pathetic though.
As for Kate Walsh. I feel bad for her that her relationship didn’t work out. But not having children doesn’t make you a loser. And as a childless woman in my mid 30’s I believe at a certain point in never saying never and seeing what happens. Happiness is about appreciating yourself and your life as it is and not as some people think it should be.
I hate the “why are you single, why don’t you have children” questions. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting children. Personally, I’m just not a kid person. I love my niece and nephew and I can tolerate other kids, but it’s just not for me. However, I can understand why other women feel like “losers” if their dream of having children doesn’t work out.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children!!!
meh, i constantly get the “oh she is too young to know what she REALLY wants” looks… which is quite aggravating bc i just dont want kids! this isnt to be contrary or counter-culture… its bc i logically know i would not be a good parent… i am selfish and want to only do things i want, i have absolutely NO interest in kid-geared stuff like kiddie events or movies for kids, i partake of the MJ, and i am hugely impatient… when i was 9 i decided that i wanted to be a doctor and have a career… while other girls planned their weddings and kids [names and sexes, freaky] i was busy planning my career path and cutting through lists of hot guys to make out with and have fun with before college… and no, i dont feel like a loser… i just feel like i am confident enough to realize that parenting is just not for me and thats OKAY… 🙂
I didnt want kids in my early twenties.
Enter late twenties and I had one.
I still have one and I am REALLY happy with that decision. Kids are hard work, expensive and daddy doesnt pay so, we suffer. Its definately a choice,
Choose wisely.
20’s? Never wanted kids. 30’s? Had three kids. Totally ok to not have them, more freedom, travel etc etc. BUT heres the thing….many women are people people. We love and nurture our friends and family. While I still don’t actually want to hold anyone elses babies except maybe my siblings, motherhood has given me an incredibly intimate relationship with three amazing people who have introduced me to things I would NEVER have otherwise done. BMX track? Pre-kids that would have been a death first option. Now I have a blast. Gymnastics? Gag. Yet here I am at 40 and I can actually climb a rope to the top of the gym and do one handed cartwheels. Having children can open your world up just as much as travel or career…its not all drudgery!And next year we are off to Tanzania….so kids do not = end of your life. Its just a different life.
it was the opposite for me… i never thought about getting married and having children, but things sort of went that way. I love it, but the thing is to make the most and be your best in whatever love-life or parenthood scenario you live in.
It’s sad to hear her feeling like a loser
@faye: When I was in my 20’s I was told I’d change my mind as well. I didn’t. I don’t feel like a loser, and I have to say no one’s made me feel like one either.
I absolutely adore my nephews, though. ADORE them. But I have no regrets about being childless, other than I’ll miss being a grandma. THAT bothers me more than motherhood. So I suck up to my nephews big time, hope they marry nice women, and I plan to elbow my sister out of the way when they have their kids! Yeah. Good luck with that last one. She’ll shank me.
Kaiser – I was 35 and still not ready for the kid thing. Thought I would be too selfish, too career focused, too much time without kids to make the room in my life for kids. Wasn’t until my Mom was paralyzed with a brain tumor that mimicked a stroke that all of that changed in a moment’s time. Helping to take care of her was a privilege and it taught me that I was way more prepared than I thought I was. Best thing I ever did. For reals. My daughter was born four months after my Mom died. She too, at four years old, died of a brain tumor. What can you do? Life just fucking sucks sometimes, but you never know what it has in store for you. Whatever you do is right for you. Sorry if this is TMI. Sometimes I just gotta preach.
I myself did not want to have kids to early in life and I now have a lovely boy in my 30 and don’t regret it. I know many women who don’t have kids and are quite happy and sucessful with their lives.
ITA with Johnny Depp’s Girl that it is hard work and whether or not you decide to have kids is your choice because it is your life.
Let’s face it – we women are too hard on ourselves and on each other! I have children and I have friends who choose not to have children. Both decisions are very valid. From Kate’s comments I can’t tell whether she is child-free because she didn’t want children or because circumstances in her marriage weren’t conducive to having children. If it is the latter, I hope she considers adoption. If it is the former, I hope she comes to own and embrace that decision. Nothing worse than living life with regrets.
@bluhare “I plan to elbow my sister out of the way when they have their kids!”
Good idea, I didn’t even think of that. ;-P
@PrettyTarheel, LMAO!! You are most definitely a funny, fabulous chick who will make a fantastic mom – good luck in the delivery room (and in the next 18 years)!
I am almost 34 and childless, so far, by choice. I have this nagging fear though, that I will wake up at 40 and realize that I suddenly want children and wish that I had done it much earlier. My crystal ball is broken though so I’m just praying that the views I’ve held thusfar on becoming a parent myself (didn’t want to) will stay with me for life.
Kudos to all women who make their OWN choice.
There’s no way a woman is a loser who doesn’t have kids. A loser is a woman who has kids she doesn’t want and as such, isn’t a good parent.
Now I think Kates a loser but it has absolutely nothing to do with her procreation choices.
Having children is a very personal thing and not something other people should interfere with – but it goes both ways. If she wants children and doesn’t have them, then I feel sorry for her. I think she’s commenting on her own situation purely. If one wants a husband and children and expected to have it and then that plan failed, I get why she’d feel like that. I don’t see her saying “not having children = being a loser”.
It is pathetic that in this country in this day and age, women are still conditioned to feel that they should be wives and mothers and are losers if they aren’t. We should have been past all that 50 years ago.
We never wanted any and never had any.
I’m free to do as I please, when I please.
The parents I know are happy they had the kids so that works for them.
She handled herself well during that hideous divorce. I like her candor.
No one should ever feel bad about going against convention. Our foremothers made all kinds of sacrifices so that we could have careers, or not. It is all OK and makes the world what it is — DIVERSE.
With child(ren) or child free — Women Hold Up the Sky.
@OMJ (sorry if that’s wrong – it’s a little bit blocked on my screen) – if you make that t-shirt I will buy it! That was awesome!
Thought Kate Walsh was gay??
PrettyTarheel I think you’re going to make a great mom! It’s good that you’re going into the whole thing with your eyes wide open and a realistic idea of how much work it is to raise a child. I hope your pregnancy gets easier for you.
I don’t know who Kate Walsh is, and I realize that her comments were personal and not necessarily directed at other women, but I still wish she hadn’t made them at all. I have never wanted kids and I have put up with years and years of stupid comments about it (‘you’ll change your mind when you’re older/when you meet the right man’ etc – or, from one genius, ‘you’ll change your mind when it happens to you’ – as if I would LET it happen to me knowing I didn’t want kids!).
I think the sad thing is… too many people who shouldnt be procreating are…and not enough people who should be procreating arent.
I am happy Walsh said this, if only because we should have more conversations like this – where those who have children and those who have decided not to have children can be supported and respected.
I am happy that she’s acknowledged that society and that little voice in her head are making her feel like a loser – despite the fact that she is successful in one of the most cutthroat careers in the world. A woman’s womb is no one else’s business, but hearing from a public figure who is struggling with the same demons the rest of us have gets us to talk about it.
Because you should NOT feel like a loser for refusing to stay in a bad relationship just so you can complete some little girl fantasy about What My Family Will Look Like. You should NOT have to hear from friends and family that you’re “wasting time” or “will change your mind when you’re older.” You should all be empowered to make your own choice.
I understand Kate- I really want kids, and if I don’t have or raise one, I’ll feel incomplete. It’s pretty much the only thing I’ve always felt I was meant to do and if it doesn’t happen, I will have failed to achieve my most important goal in life. I don’t want a heap of kids- I would just like to raise at least one child. But I wouldn’t want to do it alone, so being childless and divorced at 40 would make me feel like I’d lost at life. Even if you’re a rich, successful actress, I’m sure coming home to an empty house and not knowing what comes next as you approach middle age makes you feel like you’ve failed if that’s not the life you hoped for.
When I was 26 I spoke to my gyno & asked about tubal ligation because I wanted to get off birth control pills & knew I didn’t want kids. He patted my hand & said “You’ll change your mind.” Condescending prick. Anyway 20 years later & I’ve never changed my mind & have NO regrets.
comment #10 (sorry, I can’t read your name)……I will certainly cosign the latter part of your comment! Love it!
@P.M.: His name wasn’t Hartley, was it? That was the old misogynistic b*st*rd that was my OBGYN while I was in college. I wanted birth control, and I’m staring across the freaking stirrups at the Ten Commandments. He had them in his office too. I started to ask him if he wanted me to check off the ones I had broken before he wrote my script. Fortunately, he retired, and I have great physicians now.
@ Turquoise Blue and Charm N’ Sass: I’m glad someone appreciates my take. My mother is appalled. You should have heard her the day I told her I thought prenatal classes were a waste of time, geared to the lowest common denominator, which in my class was the 16 year old in the first row, and that Mr. Tarheel fell asleep during visualization.
I’m 41, totally like kids, never needed one of my own. I can understand other women feeling differently, but I believe if you want children in your life, you can have that experience without being a biological mother. E.g.: stepkids, foster kids, adoption, nieces, nephews, friends’ kids… many children in our society could use an extra adult in their lives who listens and cares. (And has awesome taste in clothes and music. Being the cool auntie is the best! IMO.)
I raised a child alone because I picked a loser to procreate with. It turned out ok because I committed to it, but it would have been better for my son if I had chosen better.I have great admiration for people who know they don’t want to be a parent and so choose not to be one. There is great power and wisdom in it. How many people have children for the wrong reasons and screw them up? All choices have consequences.
There are far too many people on the world already, she doesn’t need to be ashamed to not contribute to population growth
If she feels like a loser, she really ought to reconsider about adopting alone.
Regarding maternal urges – it’s fine not to have them. If you have them, also fine. But I hate it when people say they’re selfish for not wanting kids, or use an excuse like “I didn’t want to get up on Saturday morning for soccer practice” as for why they didn’t want kids (heard that on the radio the other day). That’s not why you didn’t want kids. Small inconveniences don’t deter people from a deeply held desire. There’s no reason necessary beyond simply not wanting them!
So sad that she defines herself a loser simply because she isn’t a mother. I’m 40 and child-free and I’m living large. I feel fortunate to have the freedom to do as I please. I certainly use my nurturing skills in other areas of my life but I truly have no regrets.
@curmudgeon, I deeply respect your wisdom and your commitment.
never thought about having kids on my own, married someone who doesnt care either.
but now we live in a neighborhood, where everyone has kids ( we moved here because its nearer to the job) and now i see only mothers at my age and they are happy.
My relationship is missing something and quite frankly i feel its the kids we do not have. he still does not want kids so theres trouble ahead.
thanks anyway to all the comments, very interesting and touching…
@Rhymeswithsilver – that’s why I’m glad we’re talking about this. We should talk about how to deal with reality vs. what we hoped for. There are so many women that struggle with the sense of emptiness and failure. There are so many women who do desperate things in their 30’s because they feel like the clock is ticking. How can we be more supportive of each other so that we don’t reinforce the little voice that makes us think we’re losers?
If we had to take a pill to get pregnant, the world would be a very different place.
If men got pregnant, our US govt would not be legislating what happens inside a uterus.
Never forget, there are some women who keep score in life by counting the number of children they have…and that you do not.
And those are the women I don’t speak with, and obviously the women who do not comment on Celebitchy.
I raise my glass to each of you, with or without children. Your critical thinking about the choice makes me proud to be a woman.
@Cheyenne – “It is pathetic that in this country in this day and age, women are still conditioned to feel that they should be wives and mothers and are losers if they aren’t.”
On the other side of that argument, it is pathetic that in this country in this day and age, women are conditioned to feel that they should be career-driven and are losers if they aren’t.
I work, but I wouldn’t consider it a career. I don’t give a crap about having a career, never did, never will. All I ever wanted to be from the time I was a very little girl was a good wife and mother. And that was a VALID CHOICE that I made FOR ME, regardless of how anyone else feels about it.
If you’re going to support someone’s choice to be child-free, you should also support their choice to have children.
@crankychica – “If we had to take a pill to get pregnant…”
Believe me, if it meant my husband and I didn’t have to accept the soul-crushing defeat of infertility, I would take that pill in a heartbeat.
You know what, some women really really do want to become mothers and has nothing to do with outside expectations. I´ve always wanted to be a mom, and a lot of women have the same urge, many others don´t,period. She feels like a loser because she wanted children, not because she decided not and other people expect her(or all in women) to. And being realistic, what? Is it desparate for a 30-something women just get pregnant of a random guy or whatever the scnerario is? The reality of “finding” mr. right , marrying and starting a family and then divorce is just as messed up as being a single mom by mere “desparation”, even worse actually. A women should never give up her dream, whatever the dream is. Especially if is just because she didn´t got to be in a perfect marriage/romance, there is not such a thing.
@Sheila in Chicago-thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry for the losses that you experienced. I checked out your site-your little girl was beautiful. I think it’s great that you’re doing something positive in her honor-you seem like a very strong lady.
In terms Kate Walsh’s comment and the issue of having children, I think it’s crappy that people without kids (myself included) are often made to feel as though we have to explain why we don’t have them. No one asks why you have children, why do people feel like it’s okay to ask why you don’t have them? It’s an uncomfortable question for me-I hope to have a child but I’m 38 and it’s complicated. I’m sure it’s an uncomfortable question for other people, too. Having to explain yourself and having people think you’re “weird” if you’re female, in your late 30’s and don’t have kids gets really old.
There is a world of difference between being child-free by choice and being childless due to situation. Is she a loser? Of course not. Does she feel, in this moment in time, like a loser? Obviously.
I am much in the same boat and can understand where she is coming from. When you have a goal, want and desire that has been there your entire life, you find yourself at a cross-road when that thing doesn’t materialize. Like Kate, I have always wanted to have kids, be a mother, nurture a family. I wasn’t going to get together with any ol’ guy just as a means to an end though. Now I am almost 40 and, biologically, that opportunity is slipping away. I’ll be okay with it, eventually, but right now? I’m in that weird place of having to reassess my goals in life. And because our goals are such strong influences on (or products of) our identities, it’s not just a goal reassessment but an exercise in figuring out who this ‘new you’ is.
Don’t fault someone for being a little wigged out by it.
Very true. No one EVER asks why you have kids, even if you’re a clueless teenager, or if you’re a damn crackhead.
I do not have children yet and as much as it was my dream on my 20-s and I can say it is still now that I am on my 30-s, I think that it is much better than I did not have kids on my 20-s. I have friends of mine who really regret to a certain extent that they had kids on their 20-s when they were not mature enough to be parents and not financially capable to afford the child the good things. And judging my own self at this age, I think the child, if I ever will have one, will be blessed to have a mother that is mature enough to take care of him/her. I am sure that the love of a mother is the same at any age. It is just maturity and the responsibility that comes with it that makes a huge difference.
Kate Walsh seems to be a smart cookie and I am sure she does not settle easily so that makes it harder for her to settle down easily and have children thereof.
Great discussion, ladies! I’m 40, married, and without children by choice. I’ve been an aunt since I was 12, so am now enjoying hanging out with my 20-something nephews. 🙂
I think the touchiness of this issue is illustrated by the fact that a sociology-of-the-family book I worked on purposely uses the term “zero-child family” to avoid both “child-free” (which implies a sense of freedom) and “childless” (which implies a sense of loss).
Ladies, don’t be hard on yourselves. Almost no life goes as you thought it would in your head at age 7, but let’s face it 7 year olds really don’t know everything. You probably thought a princess was a profession for real, free people too but thankfully it ain’t.
I’m glad so many women know they really don’t want children and that so many others are just finding their own path with children or future kids. Now we can choose.
You’re all doing great wherever you are. You own a computer, you’re literate, and you’re somewhere in life that you have enough free time to engage in a little gossip every so often. Most of the world should be so lucky so you’re doing great. Accept this and enjoy.
I’ve never heard of that mag. Love the byline, we need more stuff like that in the world. Women of style and substance.
I have grown tired of bubble gum like Jessica Simpleton. Need more Gwen Stefani and Kate Walsh.
If that’s what she really wants, I hope she’s able to find that someday. If the reason she wants kids is just so she doesn’t feel like a loser…that’s not good.
@Jen: It’s not an either-or proposition. Many women combine motherhood with careers and do it very well. My mom did, and so did I, and so does my daughter-in-law.
something tells me this chick would feel like a loser no matter what she does. and i hate when people assume “normal” = getting married, having kids, blah blah blah. shut up.
The world would be a much better place if everyone who wasn’t 100% committed to being a parent remained child-free. Think about it.
When I look around at all the accidental/accidentally on purpose/half-wanted/whoopsy/actually I suck as a parent and prefer my career-personal freedom etc etc products eating glue and wetting themselves at the primary school where my partner works, all the ladies here who decided to be adults and not go there deserve a huge pat on the back. Me included! Not that the ethical value of our choice will ever be acknowledged or celebrated. But I suppose not having kids you didn’t really want is reward enough!
Becky, I totally agree, and I refuse to have that conversation any more with people who should mind their own f*cking business for one thing! I cannot imagine interrogating someone on a choice like that, but it happens to me on a regular basis. ‘Oh, you just don’t know what youre missing out on blah blah’. YES, I DO, BITCH. Choice is a beautiful thing.
It would suck to not have kids if that’s where you saw your value as a person, but really, honestly, if you’re THAT committed to parenting, and it’s not just about (recently renewed) societal pressure or genetic vanity, why not adopt? I think many pre-children people are hankering for something they’re not really foaming at the mouth about after all. If it was truly their reason for getting up in the morning, methinks children would have been achieved, one way or the other. Your true priorities are revealed in the action you take to achieve them, so yeah.
It’s probably quite comforting and flattering to think of yourself as ‘parent material’. Not that celebrities are into comforting and flattering themselves :-0 At all.
jc126: “No one EVER asks why you have kids, even if you’re a clueless teenager, or if you’re a damn crackhead.”
But it would be amusing to start! Just in a very low-key, friendly way: “Your baby is adorable! So… what made you decide to have her?”
A guy I briefly dated– the father of 2 children he never sees and 1 child he largely ignores — saw what a good life I’ve given to my (rescued) dog and said, “God. You REALLY need to have a baby.”
Jerk.
But I support every woman’s right to do as she pleases about reproduction.
Oh plz Kate Walsh, just break your chains and
leave the 16th century behind already!
Sheila in chicago — Donna was gorgeous. What a special girl, and what a strong and wonderful person you are.
Congratulotions to everyone in this discussion.
I’ve never seen a comment thread with so many
thoughtful opinions! I mean, all of them, actually.
I read cb everyday but this was the first time I read the comments section. I’m really pleased and happy mostly because almost every comment in the internet nowadays are so radical and disrespectful.
Anyway, my comment might seem random but really Iwas amazed w/ this. I learned a lot from yr comments, thanks for yr thoughtfulness and sincerity.
@Prettytarheel, your comments were awesome and hilarious. Now take a load off and rest your poor feet. 🙂
So true about people assuming mommies are all sweet. My mother is distilled evil, and is actually the reason I chose not to have kids. Fear of somehow becoming like her.
One of many contradictions about her is, she’ll venomously backstab people who are childless as though they are defective, and then in the same breath tell me that SHE only had kids because Society said “That’s just what you do”.
@Sheila in Chicago: I feel honored to have read your post and Donna’s story. Thank you.
@Sheila in Chicago: I wish I knew the right words to say thanks for your story, but I don’t really. Thanks for sharing your own story like that.
@Hatedoodle: I have one child only and I am now essentially at the place where I am ok with one child. We may or may not have another one. But I felt like you at times – not a loser, but that I ‘should’ have more for my daughter etc -. My mother-in-law kept making ‘comments’ about our 5 year old being “an only child” to the point of it was just absolutely obnoxious and we told her to shut her f*cking mouth about it.
My point is, as everyone says, raising a child is HARD and very, very time consuming. Because I have one, I feel grateful I have more energy and patience to be with her and help her grow up the right way. I get a lot of joy out of it. I can’t imagine not having her. But it’s never good enough for some no matter what you do. You have a child, well, you should have more. You have more, well, you waited too long before you had your second one etc etc.
Currently, ‘the’ right number is 2 for having kids. Just having one child, people automatically assume you just physically couldn’t have anymore. Because I am able to have more kids, my mother-in-law just told me (me, never my husband) that it wasn’t fair to my daughter and how could ‘I’ do that to her by not giving her a sibling. I can’t tell you how good it felt to put her in her place. I see so many parents with more then one kid who are over-whelmed and miserable. It is SUCH a personal choice that everyone needs to STFU about a woman’s uterus.
Bottom Line Do what is right for YOU.
It’s fascinating reading all of your comments. I have 4 kids I absolutely adore-and that was the one I knew I really wanted to do: have a big family. Having kids is absolutely not for everybody-and the older I get (and the older my kids get!) the more I realize this. My SIL, who is an amazing aunt to my kids, doesn’t want a family-and she has an interesting and fulfilling life. She is invested in her career, but she also has more time for travel, her hobbies, has great friendships-things that I don’t have the time for. I think it’s wonderful that people have more choices now-you don’t have to get married, you don’t have to have kids-it’s all good.
Sheila in Chicago,
I’m so very very sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your losses, Sheila.
To those without kids (by choice) who feel they have to justify their choice I feel bad for you. You owe no-one an explanation but don’t blame others for their conventional views.
As for Kate Walsh, I didn’t think she was blaming others for making her feel like a loser without kids, just that because she thought she’d be married with 3 or 4 by now and she’s not, she feels that.
Childless vs Child Free. The latter makes children sound like a disease… maybe they are, sometimes they’re like a fungus – at times icky but they grow on you.
@ Sheila, OMG I audibly gasped at your post. Words cannot express, my heart goes out to you.
Lisa Turtle:@ Jennifer Aniston can say she doesn’t want kids her fans are not going to stop liking her because of it she just chooses to have that girl next door 3.5 kid image even if that not her anymore.
hyuch:@ I don’t have kids and don’t want them and I don’t feel like having kids means the end of your life, I just don’t want them I’m good with them I even work at a daycare when I was a teenager and kids like me, I like spending time with all 3 of my nieces but at the end of the day I’m MORE than happy to send them home. I like my life and the freedom I have and I’m lucky to have a family that supportive of my decision they don’t care ether way as long as I’m happy and that’s what really matters.
She was simply being honest in stating how she feels, probably based on outside expectations ( as others above have commented) or because that is truly her dream. It was not an indictment of all childless women.
I’m in my fifties, no kids, no regrets. The instinct just wasn’t there, never was and I knew it. That said, I have 2 stepsons, 2 great DIL, 4 awesome grandkids and I love being a grandmother. They love me, I love them, their “real” grandmother likes me because of how I treated her sons during rough times. Even without that, I always knew I made the right decision. I wish more people who shouldn’t be parents chose not to have kids. There would be a lot less child abuse and Lilo’s in the world.
I applaud parents who love and encourage and tend their children, esp. through difficult circumstances. I have some friends who are amazing mothers and it warms my heart. It’s just not for everyone and that is okay too.
Not everyone was made to procreat and I feel, coming from where I did, that I have a very blessed life.
Hmmm…she definitely shouldn’t feel like a loser, but honestly, I can see how she feels that way. She seems like someone who genuinely would like to have children, and our society puts a lot of pressure on women to have children — most tv characters either have kids, or, through the course of a series, march the path to eventually having kids. Pop culture seems to be particularly baby-obsessed as of late as well, with a bunch of babies-make-everything-better/cuter/funnier movies out lately, and a lot of scrutiny placed on childfree actresses — I’ve seen a bunch of articles analyzing actresses who don’t have kids, and what’s “wrong” with them, and don’t they know they don’t have much time left?
Just to counter Sheila in Chicago’s story, I’ve always considered myself childfree, but it was after I dealt with the stresses of caring for my mother as she died of lung cancer that I really realized that I couldn’t handle having a child, and I had to do something about it soon. I’m in the process of trying to get sterilized, and as a woman in my mid-20s, I’m going to have to go through a lot more struggles than a man trying to do the same thing.
Whether you have kids, don’t have kids, or want kids, no one should feel like a “loser.” But popular culture sure doesn’t hesitate to say the contrary.
I understand where she’s coming from. It was a goal of hers and not having accomplished it yet she feels like a loser. One of my goals to get my BA and if I haven’t done that in the timeline I’ve set I will be upset and feel like a loser. Everyone has different goals, and if child rearing isn’t one of them then naturally you wouldn’t feel like a loser.
I always knew I’d be a mother which is funny because I don’t even like kids. But I knew I would love my own and would raise them the way I wanted.
I think it’s crap that many childfree people have to deal with rude comments from others. Also, it’s very difficult to find a doctor willing to tie your tubes.
Kaiser-I think the fact that you worry about being a good mom and are taking this decision seriously is a good sign. If you ever decide to become a mother you’ll notice that a lot of it comes naturally and whatever doesn’t there are sure to be about 10 books on the subject. 🙂
People underestimate how hard it is to be decent parent. I’m currently working in public education (K-5) and it is heartbreaking to see how many children are constantly treated like afterthoughts. I try and give personalized love and attention in the classroom, but it feels like a losing battle – it’s shocking how many children don’t have a loving, consistent homelife. It really makes a difference in the classroom.
It is honestly and truly upsetting how negligent some parents can be – and personally I think a lot of it come from the stigma we attach to sexuality and gender in our country. People get pregnant before they are ready, and then get shamed into raising a child they don’t want. Or they think that having a baby will solve their interpersonal problems. Or they think having a baby would be “fun” or otherwise fulfilling. . . (my boyfriend works in an inner city high school – girls have commented how much attention other girls get while pregnant. . . very shortsighted).
Perhaps it may be my own personal biases (my biological mother was not a very warm nor maternal woman), but if more people were honest with themselves and their life choices, then every child would be a wanted child and the world would be a better place.
I too have never wanted children… It never appealed to me personally (not even as a little girl was I drawn to baby dolls). I’m really surprised (& very glad) I have this in common with so many who have commented. I’m 25 (next month), & still don’t think I’ll ever have them (I really enjoy the freedom I have to make decisions based only what *I* want, as having children means you have to put their needs & happiness above your own for a long time. Most of my friends & graduating class already have at least 1, mostly 2, children by now. It’s an odd feeling, but I know I could change my mind at some point.
Having the state of mind to figure out what is best for *you* personally is great. Yes, some people will decide they do want them at some point, many of us won’t. But thinking these things out ahead of time means we take responsibility for how big that decision is, & the effects of not being prepared to handle that sort of responsibility for another life. (It’s a very big, important job to be a mom. Some people are just of a nature that they do it better than others.)
I agree with those who pointed out that Kate’s comment was only meant to express how she personally feels about being childless. It *is* a very personal thing, & I’m sure she isn’t casting judgment on those who don’t want to.
@PrettyTarheel – “Plus, someone has to balance out the d*mn Duggar family.”
——–LOL. That is a very good point. Even more so now that 1 of them is married & appears willing & able to crank out a few dozen of his own. (Also considering the older children are getting to marrying age & some will carry on this tradition.)
@Faye – “It makes me feel better that I have very minimal maternal instinct and probably won’t change my mind about having kids.”
———————– I’m definitely with you on that. I feel like I have no maternal instinct whatsoever. (I don’t hate kids or anything, I just dont connect with them. I get all awkward & frustrated very quickly. Needless to say, babysitting was something I tried once, & ended badly.)
I remind myself how glamourous I am when I’m wiping my daughter’s bum. Yes, I struggle with being a mom. It’s rough, there never seems to be enough money (my daughter has had issues since birth that require us to walk into a clinic for $175 bucks every two weeks), other things are fleeting, such as career, relationships, etc. Do I always feel fulfilled? No. Do I wish my life was more sometimes? Yes. That being said, my husband and I just knew that it was time to have her. I can’t and I don’t regret it at all because I knew it was the right thing. Some of you may feel that I’ve gone against my “true” self. Thing is, I’ve been a huge family-oriented girl since I had a crisis about my life somewhere in 2008. I see how wonderful it is for my parents to have their children around them, as well as their grandchildren. I want that. It’s damn hard to raise them, but I know that they bring a joy to life that other things don’t necessarily bring. I’d love to have it all, don’t get me wrong, but this just feels right to me. I don’t mean to write a book about this or chastise anyone who doesn’t want kids. Totally your call. I’m just one person who thought I didn’t want them, and who doesn’t always LOVE it, but it worked out that way and it’s all good. It’s teaching me new shit every day.
It’s nice she’s honest about how she feels, she is definitely putting herself out there. At 35 I too feel like a loser sometimes for having no kids. I do know one woman, 40 years old, with no kids, like me, but she’s different than me and can’t relate because she doesn’t want kids, period. I didn’t start dating til my late 20s due to a weird religious background blah blah blah. I was such a laaate bloomer. Got with a bunch of abusive people. Now I’m at last with someone truly heaven sent but he wants no kids. Damn! Most women end up having kids, but somebody’s gotta do/be different, and not have kids. Though I do hope I will be one to have children. Some things aren’t meant to be, no matter what all the life coach-y/new-agey type people have to say about it. We are here for different reasons …motherhood is not a lesson/”path” every woman needs to learn.
“Loser,” not as in, “You’re such a pathetic loser!” but “loser” as in, Kate Walsh thinks she’s lost out on something that she thought might have happened by now – ie her having children.
When you’re single, it’s “Are you seeing anyone?”
When you’re in a relationship, it’s “Are you engaged?”
When you’re engaged, it’s “When’s the wedding?”
When you’re married, it’s “When are you having your first baby?”
When you have a baby, it’s “When are you having the next baby?”
It just goes on and on!
Kate really stands out for speaking her mind honestly, and I like that she talks about wanting children without sounding defensive or passive-aggressive.
It’s OK to want children and it’s also OK to not want children, but we all know that a woman is always going to be judged by the choice(s) she makes in this area of her life – that’s just how it is. I’m already getting questions about the next baby, and my first isn’t even a year old! *shrug* Sure, I think about being judged for wanting only one child. A girlfriend once said to me, “Who goes into this (ie motherhood) only having one kid?” And I was, “Well, that could possibly be ME.” 🙂 But I’ve got to do what’s right for me, not what others expect of me.
@riginal kate: I second that. Can’t decide wether she has self-issues, which peak by “having children” or she’s unhappy only because of that.
Anyway: Not having children by choice is fine as long as the woman in question stays by it. My best friend is one:39, no kids, enthusiastic aunt.
There are those though who would kill to have any and CAN’T :the godmother of my son. And I feel for her as it’s not her choice. But I am looong way off of calling any of them loser.
In fact when I was pregnat there was a patient who became mom for 11th time!!!!
And ALL children were in different orphanages. Well:SHE WAS A LOSER FOR ME, PERIOD!
If I want to play bunny I’d bind my tubes and save myself trouble. What she did was thoughtlessly using and abusing the social care system.
@Sheila in Chicago: So sorry to hear of your loses. I can’t even imagine how painful that must have been. Great website. Very courageous
40 is not to late to have a baby if you really want one!!! Adoption is always an option.
For those on this post who are 35+ and still want kids I say don’t give up! I had a baby in my late 30s after many years of unexplained infertility and it’s been so wonderful because I really really wanted her and I love being a mom.
If you have a kid at 40 you will be 60 when s/he is 20. Being 60 today is not the same as being 60 20 years ago. It’s OK!
I just wanna say that I really enjoyed reading everyone’s posts. No one is here to judge. It’s OK to have kids young, late or not at all.
Amazing reading all of your thoughtful comments. It’s such a touchy, personal topic; I’m glad to hear different perspectives, and see folks being accepting of others choices.
I hope if Kate Walsh (and whomever else) really wants children, then the circumstances come into place for her to have them. And I think it’s interesting that she said she didn’t want to do it on her own. So the issue isn’t just not having kids (which she could potentially solve by adopting), but raising them as a single parent.
I can understand her point – I’ve always said that I would like kids, but don’t want it enough to do it by myself. I’m more concerned about not ever getting married than not having kids at this point (mid-30’s). Plus, as a single not-actress-wealthy gal, I’m learning via watching a friend go through the process that adoption isn’t as simple as it’s sometimes made out to seem. She’s finding that it’s very difficult to adopt, at least a baby, outside the state Child Services system. It’s been enlightening to walk by her along this road.
Kudos to y’all who have made the thoughtful choice to be child-free. And God Bless to those who want them, and haven’t had them yet, for whatever reason (fertility issues, partner disagreement, etc.).
@dread Pirate Cuervo:
Bonus kids.
Heh. That’s cute. 🙂
This is basically the best comment thread ever. I really like hearing it from all sides. Ladies, we all rock.
@Sheila – I’m so sorry for your losses. I can’t imagine how it would be to bear that.
@Bluhare – I cannot wait to have nephews/nieces. I get to play, love, spoil and send them home. 😀 I’m going to be the best auntie ever, like my auntie is to me.
@Hakura – Strangely enough, I work with kids!! Weird huh? I sorta fell into tutoring a few years ago. I discovered that once I get to know a kid, I USUALLY like them quite a bit. But, I also only have to spend an hour or two at a time with them so when I do start to get frazzled, it’s usually time for them to leave.
@Larissa, by “desperate” I did not mean become a single parent – I meant the second thing you mentioned – the getting married to someone they aren’t too sure about, just to have the kids, then winding up unhappily married or divorced.
I strongly believe that women who want to be parents should take their destiny into their own hands and explore non-traditional parenting options, whether that’s sperm donor, baby daddy or adoption. But I also know signing up to be a single parent is a huge undertaking and understand that many women don’t consider this a viable option.
The old double standard. There are the George Clooneys and the Jennifer Anistons and the Georges are viewed as ‘bachelors’ while we are viewed as ‘Spincters.’ Oh I think there are a few more terms for us. I just say f&^% all of those people who think youre an alien or something and that you JUST HAVE to have kids to be fulfilled! I guess we are seen as selfish right? Well how about people that have kids for their own SELFISH reasons: trapping a guy, money, fulfillment of their own, (nobody loves me, but this baby will love me unconditionally.), government help! They keep having the babies so the checks will keep coming in! YEAH I SAID IT!
Our property manager always asks us why we don’t have kids and she’s got this strange look on her face like (somebody said here) we’re lepers! This B barely knows us, yet she has the frickin nerve to ask us this everytime she sees us (and in front of my mother in law no less) like she’s trying to embarrass us or make us feel guilty or something! NExt time she does it, oh boy, I think that I’m going to have to punch her face in! It’s just disrespectful to ask this anyway. These people don’t stop and think that maybe there could be something wrong healthwise. Theyre just so insensitive. I hate them! :]
I am 41 years old and really never had a pressing desire for kids, my husband really wanted kids so we started trying in our early 30’s after a few years of infertility treatments and a few miscarriages I told my husband I couldn’t do it anymore and he agreed. That week we rescued a puppy from a shelter and my life changed for the better. We our parents to 8 kids of the 4 legged variety and we foster horses, dogs, and cats. If we had kids of the human variety, I don’t think I would have found the most fufilling and rewarding job for me, a guardian for pets and a champion for rescuing animals.
@dread pirate cuervo; i really don’t want to sound nosy and feel free to shank me!lol but maybe u should reconsider marrying their dad if u feel having d kids stay longer would be difficult?
reading through these comments has been great
My husband and I have been married for sixteen years, and are childless(medical)we tried for the first 12-13 years to have children to no avail.Sadly I still get people asking when we are going to have children,as though it was any of their business.
We are now in our late 30’s and quite content with our lives.
I’ll never say never it could happen but if it does or doesn’t does not define me as a person.How I choose to treat others does.
Besides as an Auntie to my niece & Nephews I kick butt.
When I was in my 20’s I swore up and down I would NEVER have any kids. 3 Kids later, I could not imagine my life without them. I know I would have regret it if I let all those eggs go down the tube. As much as the little critters drive me insane, my life would be incomplete without them. Kids changes everything in every aspect of your life. You see the world in a whole different way then I did prior to having them.
I know some women swing the freedom stuff around a lot but, freedom is always there. The kids eventually grow up and you are left with out them to do as you please with your life again. To those that truly can’t have kids because of medical reasons my heart goes out to them because I can’t imagine how that must feel like and I hope they find solace.
And to those who are capable and chose not to because of “freedom” or lack of sperm will wonder why no one is at their death bed when that time comes. Just remember freedom was more important then to love another that came from you.
@Eve, that’s just rude. Attacking everyone that doesn’t think the way you do.
And if you were really so confident in your choice you wouldn’t need to put other people down. Why do you need everyone to follow your path? Is that what makes it legit?
Real love can exist without biological links, apparently you don’t know that.
But anyway, since having people clustered dutifully around you as you die is all that matters, better make sure those kids still like you when you’re old.
And it’s than, not then.
I think that if a woman finds herself beyond her childbearing years and without a suitable partner on the horizon, she may feel sad. She may look at all the mommies out there and feel “less than.” But there are so many things in life that you can find to fulfill you. There are so many ways to be a happy, satisfied human being without children. Whereas, once you have them, like it or not, you’re stuck with them.
I’m a mom and I have one on the way, and sometimes, I look at childless women my age (39) and I think, “What have I DONE???” The other 99% of the time, I’m happy with my life.
Motherhood isn’t for everyone, and you can love your kids but not be madly in love with being a mom. Does that make any sense?
@Eve, Wow-that was harsh! What a simplistic generalization. There are lots of people who by choice don’t have children who have fostered loving relationships with others. Not having children doesn’t automatically mean that you’ll be “old and alone” nor does having children guarantee that you’ll be surrounded by loved ones. Why can’t we just respect each other’s choices? As long as people are responsible, respectful and kind, who cares whether they have kids or not? Why be so judgemental?
Eve, that’s a bit harsh, as well as a painting of an unnecessarily bleak picture. I’m glad you’re happy with your children, but I don’t understand the need you felt to add that malediction to your otherwise thoughtful and interesting comment.
Mrs Odie, yes it does make sense. It’s a great summary, I have some friends who feel exactly that way. I imagine if everyone who ever told me I’d change my mind was right and I do have children that I will feel that way.
@Sheila: Your loss is an overwhelming one, but your candor and resilience is really a thing to behold. I know a family who is going through a situation identical to what you had to endure with your baby, Donna–right down to the age. In this instance, the girl has been in hospital for about a year now and it’s been such a trial for the family, riddled with exhilarating and enervating unpredictability. I honestly don’t know what’s to come for her, and I do admit that I strongly, strongly wish that this warm, strong and unfailingly good family will not be placed in a position wherein they will have to call upon the resevoirs of strength and grace which your have translated so movingly in your words. Hope can seem so distant, as it rests upon something that is abstract and beyond the reach of the explainable or pre-ordained, but my hope for your future’s contentedness rests in the same smiling realm as it does for these people I have known. Sincere though it is, I suppose it’s a cold comfort coming from a faraway place, but that thing that I have to give–knowing what I’ve seen–is given fully to you and I truly wish for your blessed peace in whatever comes next. You are firmly in my thoughts. I hope I haven’t said anything insensitive and I thank-you for relating your story, I’m sure it was difficult.
XO
She is successful and in my opinion, great at what she does, has a bright, vivid personality, and has no need to feel like a loser. Not having children certainly does not make anyone a loser. Only your attitude can make you a loser! I think if she wants children, she should find a way…adoption is a great avenue!
i think its great that she can be so open about how she feels. it’s refreshing.
Eve: Hate to break it to ya babe, but there are plenty of people who wind up old and alone because their grown kids can’t or won’t be bothered with them.