Another day, another Gooptastic interview. Gwyneth Paltrow sat down for an interview with The Daily Mail, and shockingly, she managed to get through the whole thing without giving a soliloquy about juice cleanses. Our little Goop is growing up! Not really, though. She’s still a self-absorbed bitch, and we, the peasants, must cling to every Goopy morsel she deigns to toss us. The Mail interview is super-long, so you can read the whole thing here, if you want your eyes to roll a million times in ten minutes. (Sidenote: why is Gwyneth speaking to such a peasanty publication? Discuss.) Here are some of the highlights:

Life lessons from Brad Pitt‘s mother: ‘My life can be surreal sometimes – like singing at the Oscars. I think, “What’s going on?” It is so crazy. I’ve been doing way too much. But last week I was at home with my children in the kitchen, and I threw a tea towel over my shoulder – as soon as I do that I feel grounded. Funnily enough,’ smiles Gwyneth, ‘Brad Pitt’s mum taught me that (Brad and Gwyneth were engaged during the mid 1990s). It’s the best tip anyone’s given me because it’s always there while you’re cooking. So I got chopping and put the pans on the stove. It’s so tactile, I felt like I had just got back into my own body.’

Guilt about being away from her kids: ‘I don’t feel guilty unless I am tipping the balance badly,’ she explains. ‘For example, before Christmas, I went away five times, just little trips, but it was too much for my son – he was very upset and started crying and acting up. I felt horribly guilty. He’s little and he needs me. But I have just been with them for seven weeks solid, so I am fine with being away this week.’

Gwyneth on “fish fingers”: They’re always home-made. ‘I make a batch and freeze them,’ she explains. ‘But I think the main thing for mothers is to not stress yourself out. I honestly think that even ordering a pizza and sitting down together as a family is great. You’re not always going to have time to cook a meal from scratch. What I do at the weekend is make batches of stuff for the week, such as vegetarian chilli and spaghetti with meatballs. You can make a really delicious pasta or grill a chicken breast in ten minutes. We don’t have family dinners every night,’ she continues. ‘When we’re in London, sometimes I’ll go out with friends or with Chris, but we always have a family dinner on Sunday night.’

Does Chris cook? ‘No, I am the cook,’ she smiles. ‘But my son can perfectly crack an egg and Apple is into baking, which is good because I am a terrible baker.’

Gwyneth made her father’s illness all about her own food drama: Gwyneth was distraught when Bruce was diagnosed with cancer in 1998, and she became obsessed with an extreme macrobiotic eating plan, hoping that, perhaps by osmosis, adopting a rigid diet would somehow save him. ‘It’s obviously ridiculous,’ she confesses, ‘but I didn’t want him to die and the doctors said he had to be healthier. He literally had a hot dog before his surgery, and I was like, “Come on.” So I started to read about how powerful the body can be if you do not poison it with processed food and white sugar – there are cases that show that sometimes people can heal themselves.’ (Gwyneth reverted to a moderate diet when pregnant with Apple.) She tried and failed to get her dad to change his eating habits. ‘After his operation, with his radiation treatment, he had a hard time eating, so I prepared a healthy lunch for him – gluten-free soba noodles. He took a mouthful and said, “It’s like biting into The New York Times.”’ She looks emotional. ‘Even before he got sick, it was always my worst fear that something would happen to him because he was my rock. He was so funny, just cool and awesome.’

Gwyneth on her dad‘s death: ‘It was devastating beyond belief and I am still very traumatised at the memory. I still feel it in my nervous system.’ She is quiet for a moment. ‘I wish he was still alive and it’s a real weight that I carry, like a black hole. My friends say, “He’s always with you,” and I say, “Oh rubbish. No, he’s not, he’s dead.”’

She’s interested in basically every fancy religion: ‘I am interested in Jewish and Christian mysticism and Sufism. I’m also interested in cause and effect and karma and God. I don’t feel my father around or anything. I don’t know if I will see him again. He never got to see his grandchildren. That really sucks because he would have been the best grandfather.’

On having any more children: As we’re talking, a young father walks out of the restaurant, an adorable baby in his arms. Gwyneth is smitten. ‘It makes me want to have another one, he is sooo gorgeous!’ Would you have another baby? ‘I don’t think so. I don’t know if I can go there again, not sleep and be depressed for two years.’ (She suffered a bout of postnatal depression which she says ‘was terrible. I felt like a zombie.’)

On winning her Oscar at the age of 26: ‘You grow up wondering, “What if I get an Academy Award one day?” You get one and you are 26 and you think, “OK, now what do I do?” I worked really hard, and by the time I had children I was ready to leave acting for a while. There was a lot of freedom in accomplishing that early on.’

She’s a 1950s housewife: ‘I am traditional in a 1950s housewife way – cooking, making sure everyone’s fed and everything’s in order. I think a wife has a responsibility to make a home and to protect the family… I also believe that a wife should have the choice to work or not. My mother was a less traditional wife than me; she was working to support the family.’

On Chris Martin as a parent: ‘We co-parent. We do it together. I don’t know what the word strict means; I expect them to have good manners and to behave nicely – sometimes it is such a war to get them to say thank you. The other day, while we were out having dinner, a waiter gave my daughter some juice, and she didn’t say anything. I said, “Apple? Baby, where are your manners?” and she said, “I left them in my suitcase.”’ Gwyneth laughs. ‘It was hilarious. I try to make life as normal as possible,’ she continues. Can you actually go to the supermarket with all the attention? ‘I just do it. I tune it out.’ Are the children aware of their parents’ fame? ‘Some kids in Apple’s class are starting to say, “Your mummy is a movie star,” but I don’t think she fully gets it yet.’

On how “civilized” England is: ‘The children are at school there and I love London. It is a very civilised, beautiful city. I appreciate its parks so much and love the culture. There are also some great restaurants,’ she says, returning to her favourite subject. ‘I am obsessed with Tapas Brindisa (in Borough), which has some of the best food I’ve ever eaten in my life.’

On how privileged she is: ‘They [her family] will all be up and waiting for me. I’ll cook and we’ll play in the garden with the dog. I’m aware that I’m a very privileged person and I’m very grateful,’ she says.

On the idea of not being rich: ‘I think it would be an adjustment,’ she says with candour. ‘Chris Rock, the comedian, said that men cannot go back sexually, and women cannot go back in lifestyle, and that’s very true. But as long as I could cook good food and be with my family I think I would be absolutely fine.’

[From The Daily Mail]

Honestly, I didn’t find this interview as soul-crushingly smug as some of her ones last week. I mean, she’s still a smug, elitist bitch – “I love London. It is a very civilised, beautiful city. I appreciate its parks so much and love the culture.” Because no American city has parks or culture or beauty, right? I also found her comments about being a “traditional” wife and all of the stuff about Chris to be fascinating. I don’t think her marriage is like that AT ALL, and I kind of believe that she’s just flat-out making all of that up. I think she’s really trying to promote an image of herself that she hopes the peasants will buy. She’s aiming for the Jennifer Garner demographic – women, mostly mothers, who like Garner’s wholesome, girl-next-door image. This feels like Gwyneth trying to do that and failing miserably, just because the real Gwyneth always comes out.

Photos courtesy of WENN.