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My first reaction just when hearing this story is that of course Match.com isn’t responsible in this case, but then I heard the details and realized that it’s time that Match checked user identities against the sex offender database. After this lawsuit, they’ve instituted that policy but claimed they were about to do it anyway.
53 year-old Carol Markin went on a second date with a guy she met on Match and was sexually assaulted. She said she tried to Google him ahead of time, but was never given a full name. (He did tell her his name but mumbled it so she wasn’t able to hear it all.) It was easy enough for her find out that he’s been convicted of multiple sex offenses once she got his name though (after he’d violated her), and she’s now suing Match to require that they do this simple background check on all their members. She’s not suing for money at all, just to bring awareness to this issue and to put pressure on them. It seems very reasonable and if she had to sue match to get this result then more power to her:
The Hollywood executive who’s suing Match.com, after claiming she was sexually assaulted by a convicted sex offender she met on the dating website, revealed her identity for the first time on The Today Show Tuesday.
Freelance producer/writer Carol Markin, 53, said she’s tired of hiding.
Markin told The Today Show she had a pleasant first date with her accused attacker, Alan Wurtzel, but the second date ended in horror, as he sexually assaulted her in his living room.
“He jumped me and then he overpowered me … I was afraid,” she said. “I don’t think people go on websites thinking their gonna get themselves in unsafe situations.”
Wurtzel has pleaded not guilty, claiming their sex was consensual.
After the incident, Markin said she researched Wurtzel’s background and learned he’d had a history of misdemeanor sex convictions.
Not seeking any money, Markin said her civil suit against Match.com (which she filed as “Jane Doe”) aims toward a reform of the website’s policies, so that they cross-check their clients with the sex offender registry.
“I think I’ve elevated the conversation about what’s going on,” she said. “They’re in the business of putting people together — I think they should be responsible about this.”
The website is already implementing security changes they claimed were in the works prior to the lawsuit. The company said in a previous statement: “While incidents like this one between individuals who meet on Match.com are extremely rare, it doesn’t make them any less horrifying.”
[From Radar]
Match.com is awesome and I personally know a lot of success stories from that site. This does remind you that you need to trust your instincts and follow certain rules when you meet someone online. Always screen someone carefully first through e-mail, then phone and/or skype ahead of time – don’t skip any steps no matter how good they sound! Meet someone in a public place first, have a friend on standby if possible, and if not make sure you tell your friends and family where you’re going to be and when so they can check to make sure you’re ok immediately afterwards. Thankfully terrible stories like this are the extreme exception, and maybe the awful experience this woman went through will help others avoid being victimized in the future. She’s very brave for speaking out like this.
There was a story recently of the murder of a woman due to a match.com date.
http://www.dreamindemon.com/2011/02/17/murder-suspect-admits-to-brutally-attacking-woman-he-met-on-match-com/
Online dating for women is risky business. You don’t have any idea WHO you’re meeting and many of the men lie! I tried a free site and met men who claimed they were single. (they were married) claimed they were non-smokers (they reeked of smoke) and many lie about age/employment/height etc.
I’ve been fairly fortunate not to have anything dangerous happen but I did spot red flags and got out of the situation.
My advice to women is to ask questions, phone them (block your number) and get a sense before meeting them. If you meet them arrange it at a public place and keep it to an hour max.
My experience with online dating has been mediocre at best. The amount of lying and deceit is incredible. I know there are those who have used online dating successfully, but I have pretty much washed my hands of the whole thing.
I think she is extremely brave and I really admire her courage for coming forward and speaking out. She probably saved some other woman from the same fate. She’s a hero.
Kiska – good advice. I find it odd that this woman didn’t even know the man’s last name and was in his living room after meeting him only one other time. Seems like a little caution is needed when you’re meeting complete strangers.
Good for her for pressing the issue and bringing suit. I just hope women don’t get lulled into thinking now that, since someone is ‘screened’ that there still aren’t freaks out there.
I am also surprised that anyone would go back to someone’s home, alone, on only the second date. And I am in no way, shape, or form even hinting that this woman is to blame, so don’t anyone read it that way. Just, for me, I would be keeping dates 100% public for quite awhile before I would trust anyone enough to go anywhere private with them. Maybe I’m just more suspicious of people though.
@rkintn – Yes, very brave of her. I applaud her for coming forward and telling her story.
she is brave.
I met my current fiance on Match.com I was a member of numerous sites and had a blast. I always made sure that I paid for the site though. That will cut down on some riff raff. I also had a couple of friends that would check them out before I ever met them (minor background checks). There was a lot of lying going on – both sides of the aisle. I would meet someone and would have never recognized them from the picture they posted. And there are a lot of “not single” on all of the sites. Just be careful and don’t give anyone any information that you are not ready to give. You are just as much at risk meeting someone in a bar (while you are drinking) – maybe more so in a bar.
I joined Match.com’s Canadian website a couple of months ago and started getting fake winks and emails from non-existent profiles almost immediately. They’re also involved in a class-action lawsuit in the US for the same thing and I’m considering filing one here for deliberate use of fraudulent profiles to make members think they’re getting lots of attention. So bottom line is you have to be vigilant about who you meet AND with the website as Match is definitely using phony identities.
I had some scary experiences myself with online dating. Came close to being assaulted but managed to get away before it went too far. And I encountered the same problems with married men, liars and cheaters but that’s part of the scene I suppose. Glad this woman is speaking out.
I’m male. I have found women far too trusting when first getting to know them. Phone numbers, addresses, all too easily given out. Am i that trustworthy? More likely, they are not careful enough.
@jaded: they do that in order to get people to sign up for paid membership thinking they have emails. I like match because I live in a small enough area that I can see someone on match and find them elsewhere for free 🙂
It’s not Match’s responsibility. It’s personal responsibility. What happened to that idea? If you couldn’t get a last name from him, you shouldn’t have been in his living room. This lady is too old to be making senseless calls.
Good move on her part- she’s a strong woman.
I have a success story with an online dating service- we are still a couple now since meeting on Feb 2010. We emailed for 2 months before I telephoned with him and eventually met him in a busy inner city section full of people on foot.
Of course you get the spammers, who copy/paste the same email to everyone and even send it to you 5, 6 times because they dont even care to check who they are mailing it to. Most of them never even read your profile, and are just looking for some ridiculous chat experience or for a one-nighter, who knows what else they could have in mind. I’m sure that many of them would be physically aggressive if turned down, thoguh, seeing as how that is all they expect– so you have to use your own filter measures. Make your headline something you can check against– and see if they even bothered to read it, or put questions in your profile. Anyone posing any doubts to your preferences, is out. (“why dont you like smokers?”) Chat as rarely as possible (preferabley NEVER) or only after mutual consent. Any man who isnt able to wait to talk to you, isnt worth talkng to. Get critical factors out of the way in email before telephoning– you are more pliable on the phone to the sound of a charming voice or counterarguments (eg philosophical ideas or wishes, preferences, etc) and even more so in person. Then the basic stuff– like keep important info to yourself until you feel safe revealing it– where you live (only say regions) or work or go to school, your full name, all of that stuff. If you have to lie a little to be safe, its ok. Better to be safe than sorry, and any other honest person would understand your situation.
Huh? What does ‘too old to be making senseless calls’ mean?
But I do agree with ‘personal responsibility.’ I just think Match and these other dating services can do this simple check. It is certainly not all-inclusive, and mistakes will probably be made…which is probably going to open them up to more lawsuits. But, they can still do it as a first step.
I empathize with her as a victim of assault. However, she used poor judgement and a lawsuit won’t change that. I am glad that Match.com is ramping up their searches in an EFFORT to make things safer. But we must still utilize common sense. What if he’s never done this before? Or has but was never caught, tried, or convicted? It wouldn’t show up on a background search and you’d have to use common sense and sound judgement. If you met someone at church, a gas station, a grocery store or in a club and they raped you on the second date-you couldn’t sue the location that you met them.
I am sorry that this happened to her. And I applaud her for wanting to use her situation to bring about awareness. But she used poor judgement (not making sure she had his whole name, not taking separate vehicles, going to an apartment with him). I think my issue is with the lawsuit because she didn’t have to file a lawsuit to get their attention. I’m sure she could have attempted to find a way to let them know, “Listen, one of your members raped me. I Googled him and realized he had a criminal history. I think that going forward you should offer to do a criminal background on members prior to allowing them to join.” Now, if she reached out to them and they ignored her…then bring on the bloodthirsty lawyers. But to go straight to lawyers and media…possibly not the best route to go if you want to be taken seriously.
i met mr. original kate on match.com. we emailed back & forth for a couple of weeks (including giving each other our real names), met for our first date at a coffeehouse and on our second date we met at a restaurant. both dates were locations i chose and i let my friends know where i was going and who i was meeting. i didn’t let him pick me up at my apartment until our 4th date – and i have a big, protective dog. was i overly cautious? maybe, but there are alot of weirdos out there. luckily our story had a happy ending.
i feel for this woman, but if a guy is reluctant to give you his full name why would you go out with him, much less go to his apartment? i’m not saying it’s her fault -it isn’t- but it’s not match.com’s responsibility if people don’t use common sense. good for her, though, for using her story to encourage women to be safer.
ETA: wait – that’s the guy?! holy shit. he looks like every police sketch of serial killers i’ve ever seen.
It’s not that hard to screen people for sexual assault, criminal backgrounds, etc. If people do it for employment, then Match.com should do it for their members. It’s just common sense, I think. I’m surprised it took Match.com this long to realize that.
I feel sorry for this woman and I wish her the best.
At the risk of sounding like I’m blaming the victim, what the hell was she doing going out with someone without even knowing his name?! It’s not like this was a friend of a friend, or someone she worked with, or some other situation where she knew SOMETHING about the person. This was akin to picking a random guy from the phone book. (Although at least the phone book gives a last name). At some point, women gotta be careful and not assume an internet database is gonna protect them.
that’s horrible that she was sexually assaulted and the guy should pay.
But she’s also really stupid to be in a guy’s living room when she didn’t know the guy. And she needs to lay off the botox face. Looks like she had work done before she hit the TV cameras.
All of which doesn’t excuse the crime but does make me want to slap her in the head and go “seriously woman, THINK”
I don’t think Match.com is at fault. Its not Match.com’s job to research your date for you, that’s your job. They just provide a service where you can pick and choose. this is not a real matchmaking service.
I also cannot believe that she went to his home without knowing his name, especially since he seemed to have been evasive about giving it. The advice given above is great for online dating, and I totally followed it when I did the online thing. I tried both Match and eHarmony and hated Match. Total meat market. Found my hubby through eHarmony =)
I don’t think it’s guaranteed that everyone online is a predator. You could meet a predator anywhere. To me, there is no more risk in dating someone from a website than there is dating someone you met at a bar. Either way, you need to tread carefully and do your research before becoming too trusting.
@the_blonde_one: On the Canadian Match site you can’t communicate with anyone unless you’re a paying member. I paid then started receiving the fake emails and I was so ticked off I wrote the president and copied a class-action lawyer here in Toronto. Mysteriously the fake emails and winks have stopped…..coincidence?? I think not….
so glad to see that other people were thinking what i was thinking, which is that she really needs to accept some personal responsibility. jeez, use some common sense. what happened to her is obviously awful, but it is not a match.com’s job to keep you safe. she’s old enough to know better. doesn’t EVERYONE have access to the sex offender database? i know i can look up sex offenders in my neighborhood.
So, he raped her and THEN gave her his name? Really? How did that conversation go? And why would any woman take a strange man they only met one time, whose name they didn’t even know, into their house or go into his house? Where’s the personal responsibility here? I guess blame feels better.
These dating sites actually encourage fake “women seeking men” profiles because they know it’s a great lure to get men to spring for a paid membership. I’ve used dating sites, left them and returned a year or two later and found the exact same phony pics and profiles that were there before. Sure, it’s possible to really meet people that way, however, males have to be as aware and smart about it as women do. I bet it’ll be a cold day in hell before Match or any of them remove those phony bait & switch profiles, though. The only reason they’re going to do background checks is to prevent bad publicity and costly lawsuits, they don’t give a damn about anything else. Beware, because that “hottie” you’re chatting with may just be a guy sitting there in Match.com HQ pretending to be a female.
I’m appreciate that people need to be careful, but seriously — they weren’t running background checks? It’s 2011 and they didn’t have a process to filter out sex offenders? That’s a serious fail on Match.com’s fault.
OK, much like Benny said, why the hell was she on a SECOND date with him-in his house, no less, if she still didn’t know his last name?! This is something you find out BEFORE you go out the first time, and if he mumbles it, you ask him to repeat it! If you still can’t understand it, ask him to spell it! Of course no one has the right to violate you, but you can also take steps to protect yourself right from the start. While I have never used online dating, my husband of 10+ years was a blind date, and there were a lot of phone conversations, computer research & public place dates before we were ever alone in a private place…and I was in college when I met him!
This lady sounds like she didn’t use enough caution as mentioned above. If someone is mumbling their last name that should be the first red flag if there weren’t some already.
And if someone lies about their looks what do they expect the person to do when they see them for the first time. I would rather someone know the truth about me even if it isn’t as flattering then to lie and say I am physically perfect when I am not.
Long before this story came out, every time a match.com commercial would come on with the beaming couples talking about how they met the love of their lives, and how wonderful it is, I immediately thought, “Yeah, and how many people have had to file restraining orders?”
If she had met him in a bar, would she sue the bar? When is it time to hold ourselves accountable? And why did she go home with him? I don’t think she’ll be getting any dates after this.
Thank goodness she’s spreading the word.
15, I completely agree.
Yes, this lady obviously should have used some more caution. But, that does not mean what happened to her was her fault. A sex offender is a sex offender, whether she was cautious or not. If Match.com is going to be setting people up with each other, they DO have a responsibility to check these people out first. Of course everyone should also do their own background checks before agreeing to meet these people, but Match.com is not completely free of responsibility here. This woman is brave for speaking out.
I thought this woman was nerdy and totally inarticulate on The Today Show. Why would ANYONE go to the home of someone when she didn’t even know his full name…there’s more to this story, because that just speaks of IDIOCY.
Requiring the dating site to do a background check is a good idea.
For those who are trying to blame the victim, this is not like meeting someone randomly in a bar.
The dating sites charge membership fees for offering a a service. It’s a service-product, so there should be some quality control and accountability on the business’ part. They can and should be sued!
Its a stupid lawsuit. Match.com can’t prove that anyone is who they say they are. People use fake info. No different than setting up a date on craigs list. I thought it was common knowledge to have dates with Internet people in public places and guard your drink like you would with any other strange man. Before the relationship evolves get proof of who he is and investigate from there.
Let me add that the only good coming out of this is people realizing that match.com is way different than going to your local in person match maker. Match.com is as anonymous as the Internet in general and should be treated as such.
I don’t care if she went to the guy’s house within five minutes of meeting him — it’s HIS fault that HE raped her. Why do we always hold the victim more accountable than the perpetrator? NOT HER FAULT.
Good for her for being the voice of this cause — and how very brave. You can tell she’s not self-serving at all (not suing for money). She simply wants to make a difference. This woman is a hero, not someone to blame for getting raped.
I realize people think they’re not blaming the victim when they say she should have been more careful…but you are blaming the victim. Put the focus where it belongs… on the jerk who raped her.
Be careful out there, ladies…
C’mon, we know dudes and who/what is out there. E’er since we were 16, there’s been some guy trying to get into our pants. I know I have put myself into some scary situations…
I think if someone has access to match.com, they also have access to search tools to prevent this sort of thing from happening.
I hope Ms. Markin gets the justice she deserves and that the new check will prevent this from e’er happening again.
I also am not blaming the alleged victim but I think it is important for her to acknowledge the stupidity of going to a strangers home. It is all fine and good to take match.com to task because frankly they deserve it, but I think in this climate it is more important to remind women to use common sense. The next women might not make it out of the stranger’s home the next time. We all take enough risk with people we think we know because they’re coworkers or friends of friends we don’t need the extra risk of thinking its ok to trust people because they could afford a membership fee. She didn’t even know the mans name and she went home with him. I fear for alot of women trying to make a connection with people because alot of them risk they’re on a regular basia
At first, I felt that it was this woman’s personal responsibility to research potential dates and did not agree with the lawsuit. But, then I read that she was not able to do the research as she did not have his full name. People on-line can lie, make up a name, anything and if you stumble across a reallll loser (like this guy) you could potentially be in a lot of trouble. The lawsuit makes a lot more sense, now. Considering that Match.Com *DOES* have everyone’s full names (b/c of credit cards), they could easily do a background check. Glad they are implementing the policy.
I had a very bad experience with on-line dating and met a real loser, similar to this lady. I was not assaulted, but I was put through hell by the guy. Come to find out, he had a long criminal record and was “dating” many, many women that he had met as a member of numerous dating sites. I was a young girl at the time, and didn’t have a lot of confidence so I felt that on-line dating was a good choice for me. Unfortunately, a guy like the one I met was able to take advantage of naivete and lack of confidence and get away with a lot. I wish I could go back and re-do that 6 months of my life with the knowledge I have now.
@wenderwoman, honestly, that was my first thought too. But I think @wunderkindt has a point: when you go online on a pay site, it’s because you don’t want to just pick up someone in a bar, and you’re paying for a more refined service.
Do I think she should get money from Match? No way – but she isn’t looking for any. This is something simple that Match can offer to protect their customers, and they’ve as much as acknowledged it. Hopefully other dating sites will do the same. In the end, it’s a win-win.
Well there is always Facebook… I and many others have found our men that way… at least you can really scope em out first.. to the point of dissolving most of the mystery. Hmmmrrr.
Pros and cons, people.
A background check IS a good idea.
But it is not blaming the victim to expect someone to exercise common sense when it comes to their own safety and well-being.
Even with a background check you can’t neglect your own best judgement; a routine background check might also have the unintended effect of women lowering their defenses, thinking that they are covered by the dating website.
I bought a lemon of a car, when my instincts told me to walk away, based on a clean carfax report. It wasn’t until after I made the purchase and had my own insurance company insure it, that the fact the car was involved in a major accident was revealed. (The previous owner coincidentally had the same insurance company.)
Men or cars. BUYER BEWARE :0)
@22. TQB: Thanks for saying so eloguently what I tried to say…
Match.com is a HORRIBLE dangerous site – screening for sex offenders – yeah right! Half their profiles are not even real profiles – they are scammers and con men. I complained to Match.com when I was on there and they said hey – someone gives us a credit card #, that’s as far as we go. They do not even match card numbers to the people registering. They are aiding and abetting rapists and theives.
So much to say, I’ll winnow it down:
1) the sexual predator list is a massive pool of everyone who has transgressed in any way at any age, a huge percentage not dangerous and perhaps an ill-advised immature blunder
2) anyone actually on that list would not give their real names to a dating site
3) most people who pose a danger are not on that list
4) who goes to a man’s home without actually knowing him?
It is never the victim’s fault when she/he is attacked, but it is not the responsibility of a website to offer false security.
What if they do this screening then someone is hurt? The liability is obvious.
Take care of yourselves people, be careful!
“I read that she was not able to do the research as she did not have his full name.”
@amanda: the woman admitted that when she asked for his last name he did not give it/mumbled it/etc. why didn’t she ask him again? or to spell it? she also said once she had his full name (after the assault) she found him on the registered sex offender list. so how is it the dating site’s fault that she didn’t even get the most basic information before going out with this guy? the blame for the rape lies squarely and solely on the man who raped her, not on her, regardless of what she did or did not do. but honestly, after watching the interview (where she admitted she couldn’t even be bothered to read the site’s warning/disclaimer) i think this woman was afraid that she would come off as a prude or something, so she didn’t pursue the name thing; in hindsight she probably sees that she should have and is now trying to blame a third party.
ladies, as women we must take the offensive position and not rely on others (including dating sites) to do it for us. if a man is making you uncomfortable for any reason? run – don’t walk, and don’t be afraid to make a scene. match.com should institute a federal sex offender screening, but women should not take that as a safety net, and it does not absolve us from taking the most basic precautions to guarantee our safety.
The bottom line is that ANY woman with ANY common sense would not go to a man’s home when she did not even know his last name. This society is ridiculously notorious for blaming personal responsibility/accountability on someone else. The guy was a jerk/criminal and should be sent to prison, but it did not have to happen and would not have happened if the victim had exercised some personal accountability and reasonable judgment. Period. She is not without blame. It was a preventable crime.
It is sad that she’s getting so much criticism for bad judgement. It doesn’t say how long they were communicating before their first date. If she felt like she knew him well, had a nice first date and they just stopped by his place to _____, why should she be blamed. Even if she wanted to smooch someone on the second date, it’s not her fault for being attacked.
She didn’t pick him up in some random place. She didn’t go to his place on the first date. The guy manipulated her like a pro. The guy attacked her. Not her fault.
Momma always said don’t get into cars with strangers but she didn’t say “do a background check on every guy even if you trust him and have a nice first date that doesn’t raise any red flags”
What happened to her sucks big time, but even if she met the guy at her gym, that sh** would have still happened. Yes guys can lie online, but they can also lie to your face. I don’t feel like the site is completely at fault.
I mean yes screening would get a lot of creeps off the web (except those who haven’t been caught before). But, I also feel for the people who are in a situation where they were 20 and had a 17 year old girlfriend and the parents freaked out. And those people have to be registered sex offenders and its like…Did they really do something wrong?
I don’t know. Those are just some of my thoughts.
You simply cannot trust a for-profit business to do anything for you or your best interests. Match.com exists to make money and that’s all they’re interested in doing. Even if they do start performing “background checks” on members there’s no guarantee they’ll be able to weed out every sicko, or even that they’ll really even try. This lady’s story is very unfortunate but, as pointed out above, you have to demand more information out of a prospective date than a quickly mumbled name and if that info is not forthcoming, you hit “delete” and move on. Going to someone’s home on a first or second online date is a bad move regardless of your gender, but particularly for a woman old enough to know better. No, not attacking the victim at all, rape is rape and there’s no “grey area” here. But when you meet people the due diligence falls on you, not some faceless online business in it for the money.
@ jollytr: i don’t know – a man not wanting to give me his last name would be a HUGE red flag, but maybe that’s just me.
I’ve always called it Match.bomb because I have found it to be a place of massive LIARS. Corporate dating with liars. No thanks. I’ll troll the grocery store produce section. (No luck there either…..aargh.)
I’m glad this woman filed a civil suit. It’s the LEAST that dumb company can do to “put people together.’
Ladies, be careful out there dating.
I’m sort of surprised at her “no one expects this from a dating site” comment. My first response to anyone I might meet on a dating site is that they are up to no good. They would have to then prove that they are legit, meet me in public numerous times before I went anywhere alone with them. That said, I agree that the sites should background check people- after all, my friend was offered premium membership upon being declared “especially attractive” by a site and its users. If they have that kind of ability, why not screen for criminals?
I’m on Match…you just need to use common sense. Emails only – no phone calls, meet in a public place, don’t go back to his or yours and if you can’t get his full name – DON’T GO OUT WITH HIM. Match cannot cross check everything…they could be dealing with a stolen identity….I’m sorry for her, no one should have to go thru that violence, but you need to use the grey matter between your ears.
I met my current husband on a chat site before chat sites got banned due to pedophiles. We texted & spoke on the phone a couple of times before we met at a public place. 10 years & 3 kids later… But my sister tried Internet dating & she got hassled by married men messaging her. She gave up and met a nice Irish guy at a bar.
jollytr: You don’t know someone well if you don’t know their last name. If they had been communicating for a long time and she still didn’t know his last name, if they had been on a face-to-face date and she still didn’t know his last name, RED FLAG.
She used extremely poor judgement. The guy is a criminal and should be in jail-I don’t think anyone is saying that he shouldn’t. But it really bothers me, personally, when people don’t take responsibility for their own actions. She chose to go to a stranger’s home (no last name) on a second date. Was she completely out of her mind?
Frankly I think she was lonely, she was getting some attention and felt like she was special so she ignored some pretty big red flags and is now embarrassed about it so she’s trying to shift her own poor choices to Match.com.
That poor lady.
Match.com should be made to do their best to not expose their PAYING customers from predators. He raped her – that is not her fault. Yes she was careless, but saying that it’s her fault is like saying when you take your eyes off the road to change the car radio or look for something then you deserved to die because you happen to do it when there was a drunk driver on the same road and hit you. How many of us all have done something stupid and we are here by the grace of God? Her careless behavior with a sane person doesn’t lead to rape. Let’s get smart here – she was careless, but it’s not smart either to then blame her for being raped – that makes no sense. The rapist is fully responsible for that action. Your carelessness doesn’t turn a good person into a rapist anymore than you changing channels on the radio caused a drunk driver to drive drunk.
Theres a thing called personal responsibility. Clearly this bimbo is indeed a bimbo.
@Kiska If you make big deals about a guys height/smoking..Thats probably why you tried dating online. Lower your standards a bit. Life isnt like Gossip Girl or 90210 sweetie.
So…
You put yourself out there as the survivor of a crime (one which carries quite a stigma for the victim) because you want a website to make a new policy.
You MIGHT think by not suing for money, people will focus on this policy change instead of randomly bashing you. Nope. Because you are “really stupid,” “too lazy and too entitled” to be careful, you have no personal responsibility, no common sense, no accountability, and poor judgment. You’re obviously lonely, you can forget about future dates, you’re an inarticulate nerd, and, BTW, nice ‘Tox face.
Did I miss anything? Do we hate her lipstick?
Oh, yeah… and this new policy? It won’t change your traumatic experience one bit. But it may provide an extra layer of protection for OTHERS. (Kinda selfless for such a lazy idiot. With bad lipstick.)
I wasn’t going to say anything about this but spotted Cirque28’s comment (# 61) and wanted to thank her for it. That’s a great point.
@Eve: hugs to you and thanks. 🙂
@Nookies: Just in time! I was concerned by the lack of “she’s a dumb whore” responses. If a 53 year old executive who has the fortitude to turn her personal tragedy into a vehicle to raise awareness about this issue is NOT a bimbo, then I just don’t know who is.
People need to remember that Match does NOT set people up with each other – the people on the site make their own arrangements.
When you meet someone in a bar, you don’t expect the bar to do a background check. Same difference.
How would this work? When I joined Match.com years ago, I didn’t have to submit any proof of ID.
I didn’t become a paying member because they wanted me to pay to see the e-mail in my mailbox, e-mail they themselves sent me.
Then there was the fact that a lot of my matches had ceased being members a long time ago, so I’d waste a lot of time trying to contact them.
ThinkPeople: I didnt read a single comment saying that she deserved to get raped due to poor judgement. No one is saying she is fully to blame for being raped.
People are saying that she used poor judgement and was careless. And she was. Maybe someone reading this today will NOT use poor judgement and will avoid getting attacked because they read about how ridiculous it is to not get someone’s last name but end up at their house. Her story is a lesson to us all to be more careful in our personal lives and making better decisions.
He is a criminal, period-and should be in jail for quite some time. But she made poor choices. Her being raped doesn’t negate the fact that she was careless.
By the way, what kind of sane person mumbles their last name and is purposefully evasive when it comes to that?
Being careless with a friend-fine. Being careless with someone whose last name you don’t know?
I think MSN covered this story earlier today too, but with the added details of how easy its going to be to get around this. Looks like their “checks” are only going to be comparing member names and addresses with the sex offender registry, as if no one ever lied. Not much better than the current system if that is the case.
What does it matter if someone gives you their last name? It doesn’t mean they didn’t just make it up… Paid websites take your credit card information so there’s a better chance they can get your proper name and do a quick background check.
whether or not she used poor judgement, I think this is a great thing and I’m glad they’ve finally come around to doing it.
*standing ovation for Circue28*… you people are repulsive…
@Thinkpeople
Actually, just DON’T look down and change radio channels, regardless of who is on the road with you, because that causes accidents all by itself. A drunk driver there with you would only SHARE responsibility for that one.
My sister in law had her new car just one week and then wrote it off doing exactly that, changing the channel. She hit a porsche. That’s almost comical. I mean why didn’t she hit a crystal carriage? She was not injured, just bummed out about her car.
Also, don’t text and drive. These are common sense things, and it’s so maddening that people just don’t see that.
What is wrong with her that she would want to go out with THAT thing?
I agree with everyone in regards to personal responsibility. The woman in this story *did* exercise poor judgment, which led her to a very bad situation. (Not that being raped is *her fault*).
But… Even though I don’t think Match.com did anything wrong in this case, I think nothing but good can come of extra security-checks. It certainly can’t *hurt* to do so.
I could never meet someone online… I just feel awkward, & consider it too risky. Even guys that approach me in person… I want to do a background check on before going anywhere with them.
I managed to escape a very bad situation as a little kid (that likely would’ve resulted in my never being found), so I’ve *always* been hyper paranoid/aware of such possibilities.
#61, Cirque28, thank you for making sense. I thought most of the comments would be supportive of this woman, but I am sorely disappointed and physically ill.
#64, you actually said, “When you meet someone in a bar, you don’t expect the bar to do a background check. Same difference”.
I think you are confused. Bars are not constructed for dating purposes, no more than the gym or the supermarket are there to provide you with a romatic partner. Match.com EXISTS for that purpose. Big difference.
For all of you trying to argue something about the victim’s personal responsibility, that is strange because she didn’t rape anybody or commit a crime. The person who did is not being indicted for not taking “personal responsibility” by those who seem to advocate so strongly for it.
Is everyone oblivious to the fact that she is an author of books on “bad dates”, “dates from the dark side”? “Brave” my a$$. She has ulterior motives…
@ pirouette: most poster are supportive of this woman – nobody said she deserved to be assaulted. going to a man’s house is not an open invitation for sex, nor is wearing a short skirt, being drunk, etc. but as my mother told me when i was a teenager, “why paint a big target on your back?”
match.com didn’t give him her name and address, it simply provided an opportunity for them to meet. she’s a grown woman, should we not treat her like an adult and expect her to exercise caution? the dating site has a disclaimer, which she couldn’t even be bothered to read. let’s be honest: this woman used about as much common sense as a 15 year old on myspace. the registered sex offender check is something all dating sites should do, but it isn’t foolproof.
the blame for this rape should be 100% on the man who did the raping, not on the woman who went to his home and not a dating site that assumed a grown woman to be capable of making intelligent decisions and exercising caution. apparently she was unable to do either and is now trying to blame the dating site for her misfortune.
I met my husband on Match.com (married 6 years this month). We were BOTH careful…and we e-mailed for about 2 weeks before talking on the phone. I met a lot of men on Match and none of them picked me up at my house until the 4th or 5th date (and it only got that far with a couple guys!)…I would never date anyone if I didn’t know at least their first and last name and nowadays, if I were doing the online dating thing all over again, I would try my own background check.
Agree- that guys does look like a classic psycho in his picture.
Props to the woman for speaking out…she made a mistake and at least now someone may benefit from her experience by being more careful.
@Pirouette – “For all of you trying to argue something about the victim’s personal responsibility, that is strange because she didn’t rape anybody or commit a crime. The person who did is not being indicted for not taking “personal responsibility” by those who seem to advocate so strongly for it.”
I certainly don’t mean she deserved to be raped, or that it was in any way her fault. My intention using the word ‘personal responsibility’ is that you have to be extremely careful.
I’m *not* insulting this woman’s (or anyone else’s) intelligence… It’s just that she made (what I believe to be) a very poor decision, going back to this man’s place when she barely knew him. Not taking the time to go in search of personal information about him on her own before putting herself in a position where she might be at risk.
I’m the sort of person who’s paranoid from past experiences, so I *do* think about these things. But I think everyone should always put a lot of effort into background info.
Whether this woman’s intentions in coming forward were noble or otherwise, at least it’s caused people to think about it.
The guy who raped should not have attacked her. He should have called her & called off the date because he knew he was a perpetrator. He should not date pple because he rapes people. He should have told her if you go out with me I will rape you. He should have called the police or a mental health facility to let them know he was planning to rape someone or carried mace so when someone came near him he could spray them because he would rape them.
Hold him accountable for his behavior.Don’t should all over the victim.
@Sk – “He should not date pple because he rapes people. He should have told her if you go out with me I will rape you. He should have called the police or a mental health facility to let them know he was planning to rape someone or carried mace so when someone came near him he could spray them because he would rape them.”
No offense… But your statement is a bit… strange, to me.
Sexual predators aren’t going to warn you that they intend to assault you. o.O It’s completely unrealistic to expect a rapist to announce his plans to rape, or to suggest his date bring mace along in case he decides to try it. It just doesn’t happen that way.
Their being on a dating website at all is obviously an attempt to find prey. They’re not searching for a relationship so much as an opportunity to get someone alone. I do agree that they should be held accountable.
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