It’s time for our weekly installment of Sean Penn-Scarlett Johansson tabloid short fiction! Hurray! In this week’s episode, 50-year-old Sean Penn tells his 26-year-old girlfriend that she’s a heifer. Did this really happen? Doubtful. As I said, he’s 50. She’s 26. He’s happy that he’s got her biscuits on layaway. But of course, I guess it could be true. Sean Penn is a d-bag, and he could conceivably be That Guy who passive-aggressively kills his girlfriend’s soul by “encouraging” her to dump the (in this case very minor) chunk.

They aren’t married, but the honeymoon is over for Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson. They had a huge fight after Sean confronted Scarlett about her drinking, smoking and – gasp! – weight gain. He’s encouraging Scarlett, who packed on a few pounds after splitting from Ryan Reynolds, to excerise and diet, Star has learned.

“Sean’s urging Scarlett to go on a health kick, which she’s taken personally since she’s touchy about being heavier than she’s like,” says a source. The row between Sean and Scarlett erupted on April 10 after he suggested she go running with him and pal Owen Wilson but she initially refused. Sean said he was trying to motivate her, which made her seethe.

“Scarlett wants to lose weight, but she doesn’t want Sean telling her she should,” the source adds. Scarlett’s cravings are especially intense because she’s also trying to quit smoking. But when the two go out to dinner, she orders salads and Sean orders burgers – “which is cruel,” says the source.

“They’ve made up, but if this is how they fight when they’re madly in love, what happens later?”

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

Um, Sean is a chain-smoker, last I heard. And I would imagine it would be really easy to keep the weight off if you were dating him, because every time his 50-year-old hands touched your 26-year-old body, you would throw up a little bit? Is that a special category of eating disorder? Purge-boning? EW. *vom* I grossed myself out. But yeah, I doubt Sean is Mr. Health(although he seems to be working out more, so maybe he’s trying to keep up with Scar?), and my theory is that he doesn’t really care if Scarlett has put on a little weight. Because, you know. Her 26-year-old biscuits.

In other tabloid fan-fiction, In Touch Weekly reports that not only are Scar and Sean living together (we already knew that), but Sean’s son Hopper has moved in too. Apparently, Hopper is a chip of the ol’ block, and he’s some kind of crazy hell-raiser and Robin Wright was all “Move in with your father, D-Bag Junior.” So, there are complications:

She may be ready to rush down the aisle with Sean Penn, but Scarlett Johansson may not be eager to become a step mom to her new beau’s wild child. Sean’s son Hopper, 17, has moved in with his dad after tormenting neighbors on mom Robin Wright’s Santa Monica street.

“He has an excessive temper and loud friends,” a family insider tells In Touch. “Robin was getting complaints about big parties.”

Perhaps an unruly stepson – who is a mere nine years younger than his dad’s girlfriend – will make Scarlett think twice about a whirlwind wedding!

[From In Touch Weekly, print edition]

I bet Scarlett and Hopper are probably cool with each other. But I would be very interested in knowing what Sean’s daughter Dylan thought of Scarlett. I hope Dylan is a chip off her mom’s block, and sits there in judgment of her dad’s young, corpsey, vacant girlfriend.

Photos courtesy of WENN.