I’ve been eying this damn Courtney Love interview for days. I didn’t even want to get started on it, because Courtney is a cesspool of delusion, drugs, alcohol, chanting and insanity. CB and I were just debating what’s wrong with her, and whether she’s ever really had a moment of lucidity at any point over the past decade. According to Courtney, she’s totally fine. According to CB, journalists help enable Courtney’s issues by making her sound lucid. According to me, Courtney is a pit of despair, hyper-narcissism and crazy. If you’d like to read her full interview at The Fix, go here. Supposedly, the interview is all about her sobriety. FOR REAL. Here are some highlights:

CL on drugs: “I’ve been maligned as this drug freak for years, and I’m getting tired of it. That’s not the way I live anymore. Obviously I’ve had a lot of issues in the past, but that was years ago. Since then, I’ve worked really hard to get myself together, but for some reason I’ve remained a punch-line. You know, I try to work a good program. I don’t do smack. I don’t do crack anymore. I’ve never taken Special K or Ecstasy. I’ve been tempted, but every time I’ve wanted to try Ecstasy, I was talked out of it. I did do M.D.M.A., however, a very long time ago. I’ve always been an early adapter. But I still can’t escape the stigma for some reason. Even people like Kelly Osbourne feel free to f-ck with me. A few nights ago, when she appeared on Fashion Police with Joan Rivers, the bitch called me a crackhead.”

CL on Kelly Osbourne (and other celebrities): “She called me a crackhead! That’s what my sister told me. I don’t know. I didn’t want to go YouTube it—it would piss me off too much. But we’re talking about f-cking Kelly Osbourne, you know? This is a girl whose life I have saved twice, once with C.P.R. and another time with C.P.R. and violence—by which I mean I had to poke her furiously in certain places to wake her up from her coma. When Kelly was on X Factor, her mother had to pay a P.R. guy in the UK 100,000 pounds a month to cover up her daughter’s drug problems. She’s been sober for how long? Less than a year? Good for her! But it wasn’t that long ago when Kim Stewart was screaming, “Courtney, what are we going to do? Kelly Osbourne is blue on the floor!” Kelly wasn’t doing that well back then. For some reason, Kim Stewart also called me when Paris Hilton got pulled over for her last D.U.I. And Lindsay Lohan called me after she was arrested. The judge presiding over her case was the same judge who presided over mine. He was a very sweet man. I think he was an ex-alcoholic himself. I told Lindsay to just get it together and trust the judge, and Lindsay’s father called me for advice every day. I’m not even that friendly with these girls. What am I, a junkie Auntie Mame?”

Back to Kelly Osbourne: “After Kim Stewart called I rushed over to help her—she was lying unconscious in the bathroom at Rod Stewart’s house. I reached into her massive boobs and I pulled out a tennis ball filled with a substantial amount of blow and 80 milligrams of Oxy. I tried to flush everything down the toilet. But there was a person there who begged me to keep the drugs so we could use them later. I was like, “No, no, the drugs must be flushed! The West Hollywood sheriff is outside. So, it was kind of upsetting to hear that she was trashing me on national TV. Apparently, Joan Rivers ran a red-carpet clip of me on Fashion Police, and Kelly Osbourne kept saying I looked like a crackhead, which was really strange, because she knows perfectly well that I haven’t touched a narcotic since 2005. In fact, I was wearing a glamorous Givenchy gown that was sent to me personally by the head of Christian Dior. I looked impeccable in every way. And I was sober as a judge.

On her addictions: “Yeah, I’m definitely an addict. Maybe [an alcoholic]. But I don’t really think so. I raise my hand at A.A. meetings, but I have never finished a full beer in my life…. Not long ago, I went to this place in Malibu where you can get fresh fish and chips, and ordered a Japanese beer, and sat and watched the sun go down, and I couldn’t finish it. My addiction is just about feeling comfortable in my own skin. I don’t like losing control. You couldn’t pay me a billion dollars to take marijuana. I don’t really like coke anymore. I’m scared of ecstasy. The one drug I’d like to try one day is Ayahuasca, which should be mandatory for everybody. It’s apparently this crazy tea that gives you these intense hallucinations. Everyone who takes it sees a wise old black man who takes you on a wild journey. I’m not going to name names, but everyone who takes it sees the same black guy. I’m not kidding you. Everyone!

Prescription drugs: “Well, for the past few years I was taking lots of Adderall, a drug that was legitimately prescribed to me by a respectable physician. But after Britney freaked out a couple of years ago, and her toxicology report said she was taking a much lower dose than I was, I decided to get off that sh-t. I knew I had to work a serious program again.”

The difficulty with full-blown sobriety: It’s complicated. I was arguing with some guy the other day—a sober scion of a very wealthy English family. He’s always righteously lecturing me about abstinence, abstinence, abstinence. After a few hours of this I got angry and screamed, “Get away from me you dumb British f-ck! You probably were just out chasing the dragon!” I mean, abstinence is a nice idea but I don’t know if it’s right for everyone. Especially for someone who was nursed on a steady diet of Valium and Ritalin from the time I was eight, thanks to my fine mother.

On being virginal about drugs: You know what’s funny? People in the flyover states tend to think that all the celebrities on both coasts are constantly high. They think that we’re all on some uber-drug. But the thing is, they’re kind of right. But somehow most of them manage to function, more or less. The biggest celebrities and movers and shakers I know are also some of the worst alcoholics and drug addicts. But you’d never know it by looking at them. Now that I’m trying to stay sober, I try my best to stay away from that crowd, but it’s not always easy. These days, I’m very virginal when it comes to drugs.

On boyfriends: Shut Up! I’m trying to get it together. It’s no secret that I’m looking to fall in love again. I’d like to find a guy who’s more settled and older. But I still have some standards, you know. I’m an alpha female, so I can’t have a troll for a boyfriend…. I had this Norma Desmond moment, I guess. I started sleeping with this dude who wasn’t so great, and then I hooked up with another dude who was in an open marriage, but he wasn’t so great, either. I’m a very sexual person, but in general, I think sex is kind of overrated. Most of the guys I sleep with have tended to be actors and musicians and directors. And they tend to be lousy lays. Actually, these days I’m only interested in plutocrats. Like really, really rich guys. I’m determined to land one sooner or later. My favorite book these days is something called The Official Filthy Rich Handbook, which I study like the Talmud. The thing is, I think I can be a real asset to a wealthy man. I’ve always been a great girlfriend, but until recently I’ve struggled to stay single, because I had never been without a boyfriend before. It’s just my nature to couple up. I’m not saying that I’m completely monogamous—I’m too much of a libertine for that. But I’ve always craved real relationships. I did really well with the boys for a while. But then I developed this reputation as a crazy drug addict and a lot of men were turned off by me. Even now, in New York, my reputation is still pretty shitty. People still think that I’m the same sad skank I was in 2005.

Courtney on her “bottom”: “No, my bottom was snorting blow up Pamela Anderson’s ass! [laughs] Actually my real bottom was buying my pharmacists on both coasts wide-screen plasma TVs for Christmas! The Pam Anderson roast on VH1 wasn’t a great moment for me, either. I was a mess. I had lipstick smeared all over my face. I was doped and dazed. I may have even been drooling. But it’s all Andy Dick’s fault, really. He handed me a pill right before the show and said, “Courtney, take this, it’s like Vicodin without the aspirin.” It f’ed me up bad. Winona Ryder slipped me a similar pill a few months earlier. I’m such an addict that I just swallowed them both, without asking what they were. So thanks to Andy Dick I ended up accidentally getting addicted to benzos, which went on to plague my life.

[From The Fix]

That Pamela Anderson roast was 2005. And Courtney is a mess. Just an absolute mess. I can’t even count or detail all of the contradictions in Courtney’s “I’m SO SOBER, SLUTS!” argument. At one point, she’s even whipping out all of her prescription pill bottles for the interviewer – who is allegedly writing about how Courtney is SOBER. Good God.

Oh, and in case you wanted to know, Courtney says Kurt Cobain was hung like a horse. Who would have thought? Ugh.

UPDATE: The Fix put up Part II of the interview. Go here to read it. There’s some stuff about Gwyenth: “For some reason I don’t have the sense of self-preservation that other people do, which hasn’t always won me a lot of friends. But as Gwyneth once said to me, ‘Once you’re A-list, you’re always A-list,’ and I try to remember that.”

Photos courtesy of WENN.