Chelsea Handler covers the new issue of The Hollywood Reporter, and it’s a decent read even if you can’t stand the woman (like me). Much of it is journalistic fellatio – lots of numbers and quotes about why Chelsea is the greatest, most successful, most amazing woman working in comedy today. Which, if that’s true, I feel really sorry for Comedy. The bulk of the piece is a lot of inside-the-industry stuff about what Chelsea’s next steps in Hollywood are going to be. She talks a lot about how she’s burnt out on doing the celebrity gossip stuff, and how she wants to start covering more significant subjects, like a newswoman, I guess. She also has more to say in the aftermath of her recent comments about the abortion she had when she was 16 (go here to read the previous interview). Here is the full Hollywood Reporter piece, and here are some highlights from the piece:

On power: “I have final say in everything I’m a part of, whether it’s Chelsea Lately or my books and my stand-up,” says Handler. “That [kind of power] doesn’t happen a lot. And I didn’t know it didn’t happen until it happened to me and I realized I was the only one.”

Interesting story with a cut on Ellen DeGeneres: After a last-minute cancellation on Ellen, [Victoria’s Secret] is looking to book three of its models (led by Adriana Lima) on that afternoon’s taping of Lately to promote its new Miraculous Push-Up swimwear line. “What would they do?” Handler snipes. “Sit next to [3-foot-7 sidekick] Chuy in bathing suits? Adriana Lima is a pretty big-time model. Wouldn’t that be a little embarrassing?” None of the three or so employees around her says anything as they await her decision. After taking a few moments to mull it over, Handler dismisses the idea with a wave of her hand. “Tell them it’s too late,” she says tersely. “I don’t really need Ellen’s scraps.” Another hint of a smile creeps across her lips.

On her previous comments about abortion: In late May, Handler told a reporter from The New York Times that she had had an abortion when she was 16. “I’m pretty candid,” she explains a few days later. “I’m not interested in hearing celebrities lie about stuff like that. I’m not proud of having an abortion, its just part of the fabric of my life. There’s no reason to hide it.”

Her contract is up with E! in 2012: The comedian’s future with both E! and her Lately mothership, whose bread and butter remains the celeb-fueled gossip Handler admits she has grown to deplore, remains far from clear. “We’ll see how it goes and if it works out for me to stick around here,” Handler says, without a trace of emotion. “It’s a lengthy process. They tell you you’re valuable, and then you get a counter and you think, ‘I guess you really don’t care about me at all.’ Nothing is set in stone, so if things go south, then obviously I’ll be moving along, I talked with [E!‘s head of programming] Bonnie about how I see myself growing as a producer and a performer. I’m not one to plan ahead, but I don’t want to be doing the same thing for five more years. The next step for me is not The Tonight Show. That’s a job for Jimmy Fallon. I’m way too divisive for a show like that.”

She wants more than celebrity gossip: “I want to do something that’s going to utilize my brain a little more than this show,” she says. “If Lately is the show that I’m going to do, it’s going to change. But it may turn out that I’m done with it altogether. I can’t keep doing the same thing; my brain is bleeding. I want to do something that’s more mindful and isn’t celebrity-centered. I’m not looking to totally bail on E! They’ve done a lot for me, and I like it here.” Beat. “If you take away the Kardashians. I want to do something people aren’t expecting from me… I want to educate people and deliver news that isn’t just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I’d like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy. I’d like to make an impact and have more responsibility than I do now.”

Chelsea‘s comedic double-standard: “I only have talked about people that I think are acting irresponsibly or are making fools of themselves,” she says, putting her face in front of her dog Chunk and receiving a lick on the nose. “There’s no reason to talk about Reese Witherspoon. I’ve never talked about those people and anyone I’ve become friends with. I’m not going to be friends with them if they’re idiots in the first place.” And in her mind, she knows who the idiots are and the distance she wants to keep from them. “Jennifer [Aniston] said she saw the Kardashians at dinner last night,” Handler says. “She was like, ‘They’re nice.’ And I said: ‘Don’t get photographed with the Kardashians!’ People will blame me for it!”

Coming to LA: “I wanted to be famous. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time,” Handler says with a snort. “I thought, ‘Once they see me, they’ll be so glad I came.’ I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.”

On insecurity: “When I was starting out and I didn’t have my own show, yes, I was insecure,” Handler explains. “But no, I’m not insecure now. Once you’ve achieved success and you’re making decisions that are working, I don’t understand why anyone would be second-guessing themselves.”

On Joan Rivers: What Handler’s future holds is anyone’s guess. She avoids comparisons to other female comedians, even Joan Rivers, who long ago also was criticized for raunchy humor and rough treatment of celebrities. When asked her thoughts about the Rivers documentary A Piece of Work, Handler says, “I thought, ‘I hope I’m not doing stand-up at that age.’ ”

She talks about selling out: So what will it be? She makes it clear, whatever she does, she will do it her way. “I have really strong opinions; I’ll never sell out,” Handler says. “I’m not going to wake up one day and have a perfume. That’s never going to happen.” She adds, “It would smell like rubbing alcohol.”

[From The Hollywood Reporter]

On one side, I respect her honesty about how burnt out she is on celebrity gossip and how silly and dumb her job can be. I get it, I really do. But it also feels like she’s being an ingrate too – there are lots of female comedians (and male comedians) who would love to be making the money she’s making, and, you know, those comedians are WAY more talented. Don’t look a gift “horse” in the mouth. At some point, people are either going to get tired of her or she’ll try something new and fail miserably. Then she’ll wish she could go back to screwing a married cable-channel boss for a five year contract.

Also, did you notice the hypocrisy of “I only have talked about people that I think are acting irresponsibly or are making fools of themselves”? Really, Chelsea? Because you used to treat every celebrity the same, that everyone was up for grabs, everyone could be made fun of. Now that she’s hooked into CAA and Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon, Chelsea IS playing it safe, to a certain extent. Some celebrities get treated with kid gloves. Some don’t. The ones that don’t aren’t hooked into CAA. She’s playing the same game everyone else is playing, the only difference is that she’s pretending to be some truth-telling, ballsy provocateur when she’s just the same old hack.

Photos courtesy of WENN.