From the Desk of Clive Owen: Bilingual biscuit dreams

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FROM THE DESK OF CLIVE OWEN:

Hello, my darling ladies-slash-bitches. I’m in London, thinking about you. That’s why I look so sad! I wish you were here with me, walking down these dark, London streets, wrapped up in my jacket. I wish we were on our way back to the hotel, where you could bask in The Clive and the Musk d’CliveDong. The sheets are clean, and the sex is filthy.

Are you still thinking about how I pressed Michael Fassbender against a wall and had my way with him, all for your pleasure? I am as well. I very much hope to work with that Ginger Viking, hopefully in some kind of explicit homoerotic film in which we are both wearing little to no clothes, drenched in sweat and biting each other. Yes, I shall wait for you to catch your breath.

By the way, did you know that I made a film called Intruders? I did. And it’s a horror film! Here’s the teaser trailer, in which I’m all protective of my family:

Something is trying to get my daughter, and I save the day. I think. It’s difficult to say because the Spanish-dubbed trailer is the only full-length one to be released thus far. So this is how I would sound if I was from Spain…

Spainish Clive Dong! The heady musk, with guacamole on the side and a tequila chaser. The film will be premiering at a film festival in Spain in September. Mark your calendars, ladies. Spanish biscuits will be trembling. You should come with me, to keep me company. You can eat nachos off my chest.

Until we meet again, my loves. Think of me always, especially when you’re in the shower, all lathered up. Oh! Now I need a moment.

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Photos courtesy of Fame.

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15 Responses to “From the Desk of Clive Owen: Bilingual biscuit dreams”

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  1. brin says:

    Oh Musk d’Clivedong with a side of guacamole & tequila, my biscuit is quivering with delight!

  2. the original bellaluna says:

    What brin said. (Except I’d like to lick the quacamole off his chest, not nachos!)

    *waves @ brin*

  3. lucky says:

    yummm… check out Clive Owen’s long BMW commercials on youtube, I think there are four of them and they are AMAZING!

  4. JustJen says:

    Guacamole and tequila are MEXICAN things not Spanish. Obviously, a lot of people eat and like guacamole and same with tequila but they originate in Mexico and they are specialities of that country.

    This is a Spanish film right? Not Mexican?

  5. Celia says:

    the preast is a German actor. 🙂

  6. Mia135 says:

    Yikes, what happened to him?!? In those pics he has certainly lost some of the hotness.

  7. ElleGin says:

    @Mia135 He is depressed cos he misses his ladies-slash-bitches as Kaiser said XD

  8. INeedANap says:

    Cosign with JustJen
    Just because we speak Spanish doesn’t mean we’re all the same.

    Besides, aren’t you Indian Kaiser? I feel like I remember reading that…How many people have asked you if “you speak Indian” or tell you how much hot yoga has affected their chakras? Have some sympathy for the rest of us badly-stereotyped souls.

  9. Nanea says:

    Oh Clive… *swoons*

    With a side order of Churros or Pa amb oli, ¡por favor!

  10. Jeanette says:

    Holy cow! Get over it! You ruined a perfectly good Clive story whining and dithering about “stereotyping”… quit being so sensitive or people who really are out to hurt you with things like that will win-by upsetting you because you are so sensitive! And thats your own fault. Ignore and they dont affect you..

  11. original kate says:

    “The sheets are clean, and the sex is filthy.”

    kaiser, if i ever open a B&B this is my slogan. genius.

  12. Mia135 says:

    I don’t mean that he looks sad or depressed, I mean that he doesn’t look nearly half as hot as he used to! I am dismayed at his now apparently declining hotness!
    I know we all must age and everything, but he doesn’t look like he’s aging too well at all, just my opinion.

  13. Ari says:

    Has anyone seen “Bent” he plays a gay man who is incarcerated by the gestapo as a jew because he refuses to be labeled as a homosexual – its quite interesting although he is clearly a selfish individual but a nice early film of his that is riveting to say the least.

    And I love all the “From the desk of:” stories – I hope they continue for a long, LONG, long time 😉

  14. glowkey says:

    @Original Kate – I second that! Just such a delicious line 🙂

  15. coconut says:

    i don’t think he’s aging a lot of all a sudden, just not such photogenic shots and his suit is a bit rumpled.