I sometimes follow Joan Collins’s rantings and ravings, because she honestly doesn’t give a crap and she’ll say anything. In previous interviews, Joan gave hilariously condescending “advice” to Camilla Parker Bowles, and in an incident that got a lot of ink, Joan opined that to her, Angelina Jolie was pretty much the only beautiful movie star working today, and that Jennifer Aniston was merely “cute.” Aniston-loonies attacked Joan, but she still didn’t back down. In a new interview, I feel like Joan is trying to up her game. The interviewer asks for Joan’s opinion on several different celebrity women, and Joan’s comments are priceless. Oh, and she also talks smack about politicians and the UK’s immigration system, although what she‘s actually saying isn‘t as bad as some people have claimed. Keep in mind – Joan is 78. This is the equivalent of asking your ribald, over-it great-grandmother for her opinions on Victoria Beckham.

Joan on politics: “I’d say I was Conservative party, 1940s.” She laughs huskily; it’s ever so naughty. “And I was a very big supporter of Thatcher.” What does she think of David Cameron? “I like David, but I think he’s hog-tied by what’s-his-name.” Nick Clegg? “Yes. I’m not a big fan.” And what does she think of Ed Miliband. “Not a lot,” she says simply.

What Joan would do if she was prime minister: “First, education. I think it is shocking that 15- and 16-year-olds leave school unable to add up and with the reading ability of a four-year-old. When I was at school, I was terrible at algebra and arithmetic, but I was always the best at English and literature. And acting, of course.” She does a self-mocking “Of course I was” shrug of her shoulders, which are currently minus Dynasty-style pads. “I always did the best essays. I edited the fourth-form school magazine because, while I always wanted to be an actress, at the back of my mind I also wanted to be a dress designer and a writer, and funnily enough I have actually ended up doing all three.”

She would also tackle immigration if she was PM: “Second, immigration. Because the reason we don’t have any housing is that we have 400,000 extra people coming in here every year and doing jobs that our young people could do… In Birmingham last Christmas, I said to my driver, ‘Why are there no decorations?’ I had just come back from New York where every street is festooned with decorations. And he said, ‘Well, we have a lot of people here whom it offends on religious grounds.’ But I’m not saying any more than that. I don’t want petrol bombs being thrown through my window.”

On the London riots, porn and violence: “These kids are so ignorant and stupid. I don’t think they have much of a moral compass now because they spend their life doing – what are those games they do? The ones where they kill and they shoot? And they watch a lot of violent stuff on television.” She sighs. “And, of course, porn is readily available.” Joan, the star of such films as The Bitch and The Stud can’t “stand watching porn”, even tried getting it taken off her Sky system, “but, unfortunately, it’s part of the package”. It would never have been like that in her day. “I hear that it is far more disgusting than it was 20 or 30 years ago, and kids of 11 can watch it on their phones at school. So they are desensitised. I don’t think they have much judgment. They think that, when they kick a pensioner to death – which seems to happen on a regular basis in this country – they’re not actually kicking a real person. Violence has become normalised in this country, and I think it’s quite tragic.”

Her new book: The book puts down reality television stars, declining standards in dress (“It’s no one’s fault to be born ugly, but, honestly, must it be worn as a symbol of pride?”) and a lack of chivalry in men (“Gone are the days when a gentleman lightly took your hand in his and brushed his lips across it, or tipped his hat to acknowledge you as he chivalrously stepped aside to let you pass”). Men are turning gay because women are unfeminine. Women over a size 10 should not wear slip dresses, and nobody should show bare legs in winter. Ankle-strap shoes are “seriously unattractive”, and she advises against wearing jeans. “Rarely glamorous” is her damning indictment of them.

How Joan stays looking so young: La Collins looks incredible and you can tell this is actually because she has had no work done and stayed natural (she thinks sex is better than Botox). How, I ask, does she look so glamorous the whole time? “You think I’m glamorous today? This is all just thrown together. What I find extraordinary is that all these girls today go out in the coldest weather, wearing the shortest skirts with crop tops, no stockings and no coats.” She shivers at the thought. “But I guess they can’t take the coats in because they will just get stolen.”

On Gwyneth Paltrow: “Is she the one who called her grandmother a rude word on air?” she asks, dismissively. “I thought that was pretty shocking.”

On Kiera Knightley? “Well, she’s thin,” is all Joan will say.

On Carey Mulligan? “I don’t want to comment on Carey Mulligan,” she remarks sadly, before proceeding to do just that. “I can’t believe she’s playing Eliza Doolittle in a new movie.”

On Kate Winslet: I move on and show her a picture of Kate Winslet taken a few days earlier at the Venice Film Festival. She lets out a huge sigh. “Oh, that’s a dreadful dress. The worst dress. And ghastly shoes and an awful hairstyle. I’m sorry.” She shakes her head.

On Adele: “She’s a very good singer, very, very talented, but she has a terrible hairpiece.” Joan, a self-confessed wig wearer, knows a lot about hairpieces.

On Kate Moss: She is “OK, but she’s not Linda Evangelista in my mind”.

On Victoria Beckham: “Oh I love Victoria Beckham. You’ve finally found someone I like.”

[From The Telegraph]

What’s funny is that as I get older, I start to share some of Joan’s opinions. “It’s the porn,” I mutter as I watch CNN. “The porn, and the Christmas decorations.” Also! I love, LOVE the comment on Keira Knightley: “Well, she’s thin.” As in, “Well, at least she’s got that going for her.” I would love to know Joan’s thoughts on Duchess Kate – “Well, she’s thin. Terrible raccoon makeup. Button problem. But, she’s thin.”

Photos courtesy of WENN.