FROM THE DESK OF CLIVE OWEN:

My darling ladies, my lovely bitches. It’s been much too long! What have you done in my absence? Or should I ask, WHO you have done? I know you were showing some interest in that Fassbender fellow – I approve of him, as you know. He’s the only true heir to the Clive-Dong. He’s a wonderful partner in homoeroticism as well. I remember seeing that ginger hair, looking over at his tight body in a pair of tight jeans and leather, and I knew that whatever we needed to do to bring the homoerotic love to our ladies, it would be worth it. You can fan your biscuits now.

But what have I been doing, you may ask. I was in Toronto to check in on my lovely Canadian bitches. And now I’m in San Sebastian, because you know I love some Spanish ladies. I’m also promoting a horror movie I did called Intruders. It’s terrifying, but don’t worry. I’ll hold you close while we watch it together. I’ll press my body against yours, and I’ll run the tips of my fingers down your back while you nestle your face into my chest. “Don’t worry,” I’ll growl. “Clive is here to make it all better.” And then I’ll unzip my pants.

Photos courtesy of WENN.