Just yesterday, I made a half-hearted attempt at joking about Gwyneth Paltrow’s obsession with colon cleansing. Yet I should’ve known that, to Goop, this is not merely a laughing matter, for a pristine colon is serious business. She is obsessed with her poop. In other words, the New Year’s edition of the Goop newsletter has kept with its annual tradition (this is the third year running, y’all) of insisting that her minions clean out their poopers. This time, she’s not merely suggesting a cleansing regimen for all of us to follow, but now she has branded the chosen cleanse with her Goop emblem:
The goop Cleanse
Next week, when it’s back to the grind with work and the daily school run, I’m starting off with Clean, my go-to cleanse from Dr. Alejandro Junger, with whom goop has partnered for the month of January. I’ve used Clean in the past with great results, losing a few pounds and kickstarting a healthier and more energetic New Year. This month, I’ll be doing it along with members of the goop team and we hope you will too. And, it goes without saying, but be sure to check with your doctor before getting started!
Love,
gp
Actually, this special deal isn’t really a “special” Goop cleanse after all. If you compare Goop’s version with the one usually offered on Dr. Junger’s site, it’s the same exact thing except for the Goop box on the outside. So for the same price — $425 — you get a three-week supply of herbs and the option of choosing either chocolate or vanilla-flavored protein shakes. Geez, for that price, shouldn’t there be at least a Crispy Carrot Ginger flavor? And maybe a Luxardo Maraschino variety for Goop subscribers?
The cleanse itself differs somewhat from the Master Cleanse that Goop has advocated in the past and for which Vanity Fair hired a poor freelance writer to follow and journal in gory detail. With this cleansing program, eating lunch (from a special list of Goop-approved foods) is actually allowed. Other than that, there’s a “Clean” shake for breakfast and dinner and a bunch of “powerful plant-based Clean supplements” for the in-between times. Basically, it’s a ripoff that promises “to kick start your metabolism” and give you a colon that’s just perfect and just like Gwyneth’s very own. Uh … pass?
Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame, and Goop
Please. PLEASE! Do not buy this. This heffer has to be stopped!
I know a lot of people find her super annoying. But does anyone else think she’s unintentionally hilarious?
I can’t help seeing her as some kind of performance art. It’s hard to hate her when she seems to be acting out a role as the quintessential spoiled, out of touch socialite.
It’s hard to hate a walking, talking stereotype.
that goop cleanse box looks like an internet meme kinda joke. my first thought was somebody was making fun of her again and shopped her hilarious nickname onto lax products. i’m serious.
co sign
Liz, you nailed it for me – that’s also the reason why while I’m not a big fan or anything I don’t mind the Goopster in fact I kind of like her. The ones who annoy me are the ones who obviously ARE spoiled out of touch types, yet go out of their way pretending they care about the bigger issues or those less fortunate just because it “looks good”. Natalie Portman and Lady Gaga would be examples. Gwyneth really is just like performance art or some pantomine character. I can see why she irritates some, but I think she’s harmless. Goop gives me a chuckle actually – at least it’s obvious she doesn’t use a ghostwriter since girl can’t write to save her life (but just like with her acting, singing and cooking has an honest go anyway!).
“And, it goes without saying, but be sure to check with your doctor before getting started!”
I can’t believe she actually has to tell people this.
I work in a hospital (non-clinical), the level of health illiteracy is rather frightening, especially as it concerns this sort of stuff (diet/cleansing).
That, I can believe!
well she is an expert on spewing crap so who better to endorse the product.
HA! 😀
You win!
Comment of the day
yay me!
Colon/body cleanses are dangerous and totally unnecessary. That’s what you have kidneys and a liver for. All you are doing is paying $400+ for vanilla scented placebos because Gwyneth Paltrow is obsessed with her poop.
Well the liver and the kidneys are obviously not posh enough. I mean, everybody has those, right? The goop cleanse, on the other hand, is the real deal. After all it’s super expensive and Goop is all about the exclusive product “in that cute little boutique hidden underneath the Paris catacombs where this old shaman follows these incredibly old, secret recipes for a sparkly clean colon.”
I swear, it must be unhealthy to obsess this much about one’s body waste.
lmao
LOL…
I’m sure Freud had something to say about those who were obsessed with their faecal processes.
Well, they aren’t totally unecessary; sometimes the body does need help, especially for people that have had bad eating habits, or for people whose digestive system needs help cleaning itself out.
The best cleanses, however, would probably the kind that aren’t based on powders and all that stuff, but are based on vegetables, nuts, fruits, oils, and other healthy food items.
Again, the kidneys and liver do cleanse the body, but sometimes they need help or a boost, and sometimes the colon needs help to.
OH, sometimes the jokes just write themselves.
…
…
…So, Gwyneth talks about how full of shit she is?
Funny!!!!
I read “annual tradition” as “anal tradition.” I guess I wasn’t far off.
Before we know it…
There’ll be some type of porn parody featuring a Gwyneth lookalike.
These colon ‘cleanses’ are not good for your body. It has to be the most unnatural thing you can do to yourself.
Even starving yourself and workingout with Madonna and Tracy Anderson.
Oh dear God, must we?
If you feel compelled to clean out your pooper. Couldn’t you use a couple of cheap laxatives and get the same effect?
Or maybe have a piece of under cooked chicken and that will definitely clean you out. 🙂
A little ‘Lax Carpaccio won’t hurt ya.
Mix, mix. Stir, stir.
I married down,
It’s all a blur.
Ohhhhh…(LMAO) @ your statement of “under cooked chicken.” I really needed a laugh today @ this point! Yeah, that’d do it, for sure! A whole lot cheaper, too!
You know I have used bad sour cream in the past and it works Wonders. Capital W, Wonders! 3 days is all you need.
First truly LOL I have had in days.
All this time I thought the word “goop” was a nickname for her given to her by the gossip mags. Oops, my bad. Didn’t think anyone would purposely refer to themselves as “goop”.
Me too! I never realized it was what she really called herself!
Me too. where did this nickname come from?
It’s her initials – Gweneth Overly-pretentious Paltrow. But seriously, it’s her initials.
me neither! i thought it was her dlisted nickname. haha
Did I read that correctly? $425 to have your bowels move? Eat some damn broccoli or get ex-lax – the choices are so much cheaper than this broad’s snake oil.
‘Snake’ is such an under-nourishing term. Next time, try ‘Mohican Land Rat’. $2 Dissolved Monasteries.
Tiaras!
gp
“Mohican Land Rat” almost had me snorting coffee on my laptop (goop Sinus Cleanse??)
Canned cheese anyone?
Milk of Mag works wonders – even the store brand. For me, it works in about 3 hours! And I feel great afterwards. Rid of alot of – well – shit to be exact! 🙂 Very inexpensive!
LOL!!!!!!!!
Okay, I probably should not even comment since this thread had me totally confused. I didn’t know that Goop was into “Colon Blow” and I mistook this product as some sort of suppository which is why I became quizzy at the thought of the different flavors.
Goop is the Martha Stewart of colon blow.
God that green dress looks awful on her.
All right, Goop…..as soon as I’m finished eating all that delicious candy that’s leftover from X-mas.
For real. Does this anal (pun) b*tch have any fun in her life??? Must suck to be her.
What about her poor kids? If they’re not pooping 10 times a day they’re probably forced to get afterschool colonics.
Now this explains what comes out of her mouth.
Isn’t it kinda symbolic that a woman whose mind is so full of sh-t (elitist frigid witch) is obsessed with getting crap out of her colon?? Isn’t this what they call “projecting” your real problem onto someone/ something else?
Once upon a time, long long ago, I actually liked Gwyneth. Nowadays I only seriously wish that she would STFU. She is literally full of shit.
yeah, she used to be the cool girl on the block then she slowly became so santimonious about everything…
She obviously screwed up her body’s natural poop function by doing these things. Any Dr. will tell you that these “cleanses” are really bad for your body and a complete waste of money. Using this stuff actually makes it harder for your body to maintain normal body functions after you use them. Im really surprised she’s shilling this crap and at a $425.00 price tags…THATS NUTZ!!
All you have to do if eat a lot of good fiber and maybe a probiotic if you have IBS issues.
I don’t think Goop eats solid food.
Tierra,
I agree. Not to be too specific, I suffer from some intestinal issues/disorders. I eat a good amount of fiber and take a probiotic.
If I’m feeling particularly lousy, I do go to complete lean protein, veggies, fruit with a better regular exercise than counting the steps I take.
I once asked my gastro doc about cleanses, he nearly had a coronary. He wouldn’t even entertain the idea.
I absolutely overindulged during the holidays. I feel like a bloated balloon.
Goop’s a piece of pretentious work. I wouldn’t listen to anything she had to say. She’s so far up her own rear. Oh, and her hangover cure, unless you’ve drank a least a gallon of water and continue to do, it could literally kill you.
UGH, this one is such a self-important, stuck-up and pretentious twig…a delicate genius, fo sho.
Holy god. Remember Paltrow’s ‘modern Grace Kelly’ incarnation? That Paltrow would time travel and slap Paltrow 2012 across the face with a pair of hosiery gloves for being a trifling, gimmicky ‘ho.
Dear God what next….as many other posters have already said, colon cleanses are absolutely unnecessary and can actually destroy good bacteria necessary to maintain a healthy digestive system. If you feel the need of a little “assistance”, just eat a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables, drink lots of water with some psyllium fibre mix in it and you’ll be pooping rainbows in no time. Oh, and eat yogurt or take probiotics daily. $425 for a Goop cleanse….bitch please!
For 400 bucks it better converts my sh-t into diamonds!!!
Exactly. The Goop that laid the golden eggs (is that what they call her films, now?)
Thing is, I don’t care enough about her to hate her, but this is fun.
I start each day with half a lime squeezed into a cup of warm water – does the same thing and has the benefits of being cheap, safe, none irritating and tasty. Also probiotics are the best thing ever for my tummy (I get a lot of food intolerances). Maybe Goopy gets some bad IBS and needs a helping push sometimes?
Such wackery.
wackery AND quackery….right?
the nerve, the overstepping, the greedy branding maneuvering… I can only think that there MUST people around her holding their tongues because they just can’t bring themselves to tell her how she’s coming across to the public with all of this ridiculousness…..
I’m so sick of celebrities using “cleanse” as a euphemism for diet (just as “self-medicate” has become a euphemism for drug addiction).
Most of the celebrities’ “cleanses” or “detox” (i.e., crash diets), make you eat less than 1,000 calories per day, which is dangerous. They combine it with laxatives for even greater weight loss. You may not see “laxative” in the ingredients, but whenever a celebrity talks about herbs that “boost metabolism” (another ephemism), for example, using cayenne pepper, they are using laxatives. Cayenne pepper (and other spices or herbs) have natural laxative effects. They do not boost metabolism, they irritate your GI tract. Using laxatives to lose weight is a very old (and dangerous) practice.
Crash diets of too few calories and ingredients that irritate your GI tract for a laxative effect to help the weight loss. That is all that these “cleanses” and “detox” are. The problem is, the ephemisms prevent even otherwise intelligent people from seeing the dangers for what they are. I really dislike celebrities sometimes, getting rich off of dangerous products.
one shouldn’t do that many cleanses anyway! once a year is enough and no more than 3 days! and any health nut knows detox should not contain less than 1500 cals, ideally around 1750-1850 cals. and if you won’t eat meat then you should have a cup of yoghurt at least, and you should only use natural laxatives if you have to like herbal tea and such. but it’s not necessary since you eat the kinda stuff that’ll make you detox. i always thought goop kinda got eating disordered after her pregnancies she was always extremely thin (even by the 90’s) but tracy anderson does her clients no favours. look at her laughable exercises and her horrid diet lists srsly that is a list for size 0. and gwyneth already has osteoporosis because of malnutrition. every woman’s nightmare!
Amazing…..attempting to sell and profit from a product that will have one in the bathroom crapping all day long….such anal expulsion “advice” from an anal retentive person. Oh the smacking irony!
Love, love, love this post!
I can’t add anything, except to say the comments are hilarious! Made my day. : )
She is a Knob! Good for a laugh though.
The Cleanse Program is actually a respectable program. Oh, how I wish this woman was not associated with it. And you can make your own shakes – you don’t have to buy the rich person’s version. It is just a cleanse, not a starvation diet or anything of the sort. I’ve known people who have done this diet to great results and plan to do it myself, bad goopy press be damned!
Sure, GP may have the $425 to spend on a cleanse. For the rest of us, there are effective alternatives that cost much less… sometimes even free! Can I help you?
Kathy,
Puristat Digestive Specialist
I know! Why blow $ on glossy packaging when proper diet, and maybe a little cascara sagrada with fiber works just fine?!! By the way, I do like your information.
Goes to show… a clean colon makes you gorgeous!
I agree though, I love my colon and all, but not for $425!
Kathy – how do you know? I see your information, and very good purpose? Your doctor is right.
Well, it’s just a one-man conga line all of a sudden, huh? Okay.
“Ask your doctor if GOOP POOP SHOOTER is right for you!”
Gwyneth should really just talk to sinead o’connor if she’s having trouble easing her difficult brown
I really getting sick of hearing about what advice Ms. Goop has to give to us common people. She is totally out of touch with the rest of world. Anyway, if you want a good cleanse, go get a colonoscopy that usually does the trick.
how about just giving yourself an enema? cheap, easy, safe and no nasty irritants. et tu, goop?
I just don’t get the obsession some people have about cleaning out orifices that are perfectly capable of cleaning themselves. It’s the same issue with douching. All it does is mess up your pH levels down there and invite yeast infections.
has GP done any further study on nutrition &/or naturopathy? Ever since she had children she all of a sudden became an all knowing advisor about nutrition and health.
Nutritionist and naturopaths study for years to became certified and give advice and would have to work incredibly hard to get books published or products on the market. GP, she’s just famous.
Such a crock!
oh but did you miss what she said? she learned everything she needed to know in high school. and from mother blythe. she is truly a monument of wisdom and goopy brilliance to us all.
Best post ever, all the comments are hilarious!
I can’t believe how obsessed she is with cleansing. I think she needs to put down the Super Pooper Powder and see a psychiatrist.
$425!?!?! Seriously? Someone should give her five bucks and introduce her to Taco Bell.
Or White Castle.
Say what you will but imo the girl looks great! She is almost 40 and she is a white pale girl(we age much fasster than the JLos). She looks fantastic imo. She must be doing something right.
yeah… i think that the shitload of money she has and the fact that she pampers herself prob all day every day help a ton. 🙂
I’m not a goop follower, but I do use cleanses. They work. Apparently they work for her as well…she looks fantastic.
Please don’t slam the Clean cleanse just because Goop advocates it. The program itself is great, and can be done nutritionally, without buying anything from Goop or the Clean company.
I honestly have no words for this.
My goodness, a public admission from Goop that she’s full of sh*t.
Also? You can save yourself $425 and just eat some prunes.
Of course these anorexic actresses need industrial strength shit processors to do the work. They hardly eat anything for it to be classified as fiber.
As for the rest of us. I’d like to think we are normal, eating normal diets and have fully functional intestines.
I’m tired of celebrities endorsing BS products. From Cindy Crawford saying that only a skin cream makes her look younger to Paltrow.
There ought to be laws in America to prevent scams and quackery like this.
Sh-t wh-re, literally, she’s shilling what I can buy at whole foods for $10. Sad gollum creature is she.
I volunteer to f*ck the living sh*t out of her. That’ll kickstart her new year and I only take 1 night, not 3 weeks!
Eh, I bet those colon “plants” supps have the laxative herb, Senna, which can be purchased cheaply OTC.
Who has time for that protocol? Oh, yeah, us peasants are too busy to cleanse our system of crap. Cheaper alternative would be starving, same effect. I have a co-worker who does this “rejuvenating” colon cleanse, much, much cheaper than Goopy’s line. It may be beneficial for her health, but she’s become like those people who are on Cohen diet – she’s become insufferable.
For Pete’s sake, I could get the same result with a $6 box of Senakot from CVS. What a con!
It kills healthy bacteria in the colon. Colon cleansers are bad products. This is terrible.
She said the Goop Team would all be doing it with her…shouldn’t that be the Poop Team? It was too easy I had to take it! Lol. Can you imagine being employed by Goop? Poor pooping peasants. I’m done now.
Hey Gywneth, blow it out your arse.
Weird, you’d think she’d cleanse that pole right out of her ass. Wouldn’t you?
doctors have stated that colon cleanses are actually dangerous to do as they also wipe away the good bacteria in our colons, not to mention if you are on any medications, cleanses can alter and effect them negatively.
It’s bs, you only lose water weight with cleanses.
When is Gwyneth going to package her poop and offer it for sale? I’m really keen to see what comes out of her, do a little compare and contrast. I’m not sure my poop is all it could be. I can’t have that.