A few weeks ago, Katherine Heigl embarked upon a celebrity blog for iVillage with a rather frank essay on her struggles to identify both as a mother and an actress as well as why she prefers being a working mother. It was a pretty coherent and rather lucid essay, in which Heigl resisted the temptation of appearing preachy towards mothers who either elect to stay at hom with their children or have no choice whether or not to work. Yeah, Heigl’s got a nanny to help her out with the technicalities and early morning risings that motherhood demands; yet she was quick to point out that while her decision to continue acting (in crappy romcoms) might make her feel like a better mother, she understood that it’s not the best thing for every mother. She won many of you over with her thoughts, and I started to like her more too.

This week, Katherine tackles what I feel is an even touchier subject by giving her thoughts on marriage. Of course, she’s only been married to Josh Kelley for four years, but her thoughts are still relevant to the subject. It’s a rather lengthy essay, so I cut out some of the anthropological details about a South American civilization (which allows for four annual days of hedonism and adultery) that Katherine uses as an illustration how other cultures seek to prevent divorce. Basically, she takes a very monogamous stance on that example and then goes on to describe the difficulties she’s already experienced in her marriage:

Josh and I were recently asked at the American Music Awards how we make our marriage work in Hollywood. We answered the best we could but when the interview went live, we suddenly found ourselves to be the poster couple for successful marriages. My first thought was, “That’s a hell of a lot of pressure. We better make this work!” My second thought was, “What is my real answer to that question once given an opportunity to think about it?” The topic of relationships with a partner or spouse is a pretty relatable one, and it’s something people have been trying to figure out since the beginning of time.

I have no desire to physically hook up with any man other than my husband and have been a serial monogamist from the moment of my first serious relationship at 20. I have never been able to connect with a man sexually without it becoming emotional, without giving a piece of my heart and soul to that connection. I always loved the idea of Samantha on Sex and the City, but it just isn’t how I’m built. I understand that every human being on earth wonders if the grass might be greener in other pastures, but I could never imagine myself really going there or really wanting to. I guess the relationship I’m in is so consuming that the idea of a dalliance with another man sounds exhausting. It’s hard enough to make one connection work — I can’t imagine, even for four days, splitting myself between two!

What I took away from the story of the village was the idea of not taking your partner for granted. We all do and will throughout the course of our lives with each other — after all, that’s just human nature. But I wonder if being aware of it can help me to do it less. I very easily slip into negative patterns of nagging, bossing, frustration and miscommunication. Josh easily slips into negative patterns of not paying attention, work consumption, forgetfulness and miscommunication. When we start orbiting around each other in this way, it’s pretty easy to forget what the gravitational pull was that brought our planets into alignment was in the first place.

I’ve certainly had moments, as I’m sure Josh has, where I’ve asked myself if it’s really worth it. Is a great marriage really even possible? Do you just resign yourself to the idea of growing old with someone you don’t talk to anymore, share anything with but your children, and avoid like the plague? Yes, the giddy romance of first love fades but does love itself just wither away as if it’s a season coming to an end?

It would be preachy and naïve of me to tell you I have the answers to those questions. Josh and I have only been married four years and though that may seem record-breaking in Hollywood, we’re still considered newlyweds to the rest of the world. What I can tell you is that I was infatuated with this man the moment I met him. I was crazy about him three weeks later, and madly in love with him two more after that. More often than not he brings the best out of me and when he doesn’t, I tell him the truth about how he’s let me down and listen when he tells me the same. He makes me laugh like no one else, he makes me feel safer than I’ve ever felt, adored with abandon and when he doesn’t, I tell him how I feel ignored and listen when he tells me I’ve driven him away.

I have been drawn to this man like a bee to honey and I can’t quite explain it but I do know he’s worth it. We stand by each other, we respect each other’s thoughts, ideas, passions and fears. We compromise constantly for each other and change for each other when compromising isn’t the answer. We’ve had some pretty explosive fights over the years trying to make our marriage work, but it’s been worth it.

[From iVillage]

Okay, it’s really easy to read Katherine’s thoughts on marital squabbles as well as losing the initial butterflies of early relationship bliss and conclude that she must certainly be on her way to a split. Yet I don’t think that’s the case, for it sounds like she and Josh have figured out how to balance their differences and learn to communicate, which is generally be a neverending struggle for any couple whether they’re willing to accept the challenge or not.

I also truly appreciate that Katherine admits that her marriage isn’t without flaws. Once again, she’s not Gooping it up by claiming to be perfect and she’s not actively avoiding the issue like Sarah Jessica Parker (and her “splitting the atom of our marriage” talk) does. Instead, Katherine sounds like a real woman here, and Josh (from the outside anyway) seems like a pretty good husband to Katherine. They enjoy regular outings together, there are no whisperings of him cheating on her, and he seems to be really good at carrying her luggage and pushing a grocery cart. On that last point, I’m completely not knocking the guy either. My husband never did that.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet