If you believe the tabloids, Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart have been “on the rocks” ever since that shady junk went down at the peep show a day before Jennifer’s birthday, which was about a month ago. Casper was either at the peep show, OR he was cruising gay dudes, OR he was getting a backroom handie by some massage therapist (cough). Casper’s version of events keeps changing too – he claims he was getting a tattoo. Or maybe he was getting a haircut. He’s not sure, because thinking is SO HARD. Anyway, since that incident, everyone has been piling on and “sources” keep saying that J.Lo is definitely thinking about dumping him. Maybe she is – I hope so. But the fact that Casper is still around doesn’t bode well. Here’s a funny story from this week’s In Touch:

Jennifer Lopez is feeling anything but secure in her relationship with Casper Smart.

“She’s been checking Casper’s phone,” reveals a close pal of the singer’s, “to see if he’s cheating.”

The friend says that Jennifer was hit hard by recent reports that Casper secretly visited an exotic massage parlor during their July stay in NYC – just one day before her birthday. Though he’s “sweet-talked his way back into her good graces” (saying he was in a nearby tattoo shop that day), the pal says Jennifer is privately questioning his story.

But while the star is acting like things are fine, the pal says she has doubts and can’t resist checking his phone.

“She hasn’t found anything,” says the source. “Yet.”

[From In Touch Weekly, print edition]

We could approach this like, “Yay, she’s getting wise to his BS.” But just the fact that she even cares enough to check him out… that’s not good. It’s like she doesn’t want to believe the worst: that she’s hooked up with yet another loser and user. That she’s an idiot about relationships. She will never admit that to herself. To make matters even worse, Star Magazine has a similar story, only it’s a lot crazier and funnier:

During her concert tour, a source overheard Jennifer and Casper fighting in her dressing room.

“Casper told J.Lo he is paranoid that he’s being followed, and she said, ‘You’re damn right you’re being followed. The whole world is watching you! If you f—k up one more time, it’s over!’” shares the insider.

Casper has twice landed in J.Lo’s doghouse. First, says the source, when J.Lo caught him cheating with another backup dancer, and again after the peep show photos emerged.

“Jennifer heard Casper had been there before it came out in the magazines, so she knew she was going to be publicly mortified,” says the witness. “She’s so mad at him and tensions are really high – as everyone around them can plainly see.”

It’s gotten so bad that Jennifer hired a babysitter, er, bodyguard to keep Casper out of trouble. “Jennifer assigned Casper her personal bodyguard to keep an eye on him because she trusts the guy and knows he’ll tell her truth.”

Casper also got a stern talking-to from Jennifer. The source overheard Jennifer tell him that “his job is to do what she says, look good, smile for the cameras and have sex with her.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

“His job is to do what she says, look good, smile for the cameras and have sex with her.” God, she sets the bar so low. Which makes me believe this story wholeheartedly. J.Lo really does set the bar that low, probably even lower. It starts out as “his job is to do what she says, look good, smile for the cameras and have sex with her.” And then after a few months it becomes “his job is to not get in my light and not fool around with other people blatantly.” And then once they’re married, it becomes “his job is to just stand there.” And Casper won’t even be able to do that right.

Photos courtesy of WENN.