Dear Clive Owen,
We’ve been on the outs for a while now. No, you didn’t do anything in particular. Maybe that was the problem though? You made some crappy movies that no one wanted to see, and you disappeared from our collective radars. That Hemingway & Gellhorn mess was particularly tragic, but that was mostly because of Nicole Kidman’s Botox-Face. So when Fame/Flynet kept posting new photos of you over the past month on the set of your new film, Words and Pictures, in Vancouver, I kept ignoring them. I’ve been burned by your burning love before! Plus, my biscuit now belongs to Benedict Cumberbatch. And Michael Fassebender. And James McAvoy and Alexander Skarsgard (to a lesser degree). If I wanted to fall for some rugged, black-haired Englishman with piercing eyes, I began turning to my love David Gandy. So Clive, I guess what I’m trying to say is… WE ARE OVER.
OH GOD, don’t cry, Clive. It’s okay. Maybe I’ve been too harsh. Were you the one shunning me this whole time and I thought I was shunning you? Did you want to take a step back and focus on other things and that’s why your career faltered? Were you tired of being the next Richard Burton or whatever? Or maybe the world just doesn’t know what to do with a man like you, Clive. Especially when you’re all beardy and swarthy and… those glasses really suit you. You look like a college professor who knows how to give a good spanking. So, yes… maybe our love will last a little bit longer.
What’s that? You’ll be in Cannes for the premiere of Blood Ties? That’s interesting. Something to look forward to, I suppose, although I’ll be more interested in seeing what Mila Kunis is wearing and if she brings Ashton. Yes, I think Ashton is a d-bag too. It’s awful.
So, I guess I’ll see you around. You will always have a place in my heart (and other body parts). And by the way… keep the scruff. It’s doing something for me.
Love,
K
Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.
I was all ready to say no, then I saw the cardigan.
+1!!
I would hit it SO hard.
He’s an old time favorite so yeah I’ll still hit it and hope it hits back.
like a jackhammer, baby! Cannot hide teh hawt!
So… more for us, Kaiser! 😀
Lol Kaiser, you are hilarious!!
Don’t fret, Kaiser, I got this! I know exactly what to do with Clive himself, and it most definitely involves hitting it. 😉
As much as I liked him, he’s also supposedly one of the celebs that was rude to fans. I’m not just talking about people approaching him while he’s eating or something. I’m sure being nasty to fans didn’t help while he was in those crappy movies.
LOVE this post! I’m not into the scruff so if he shaved…most definitely yes! And it wouldn’t even be nostalgic.
After seeing Cumberbatch in a cardigan, nothing else will do. Sorry Clive, it’s been real.
I’m actually in the process of getting dressed for work and am putting on a cardigan. I consider it my tribute to hot, sweatered men, past and present (cue background trumpet music).
Sigh….cardigans. Cumby has brought heat to the cardigan.
But you know what he looks like, to me, when he wears a sweater & tie? With the slick-back hair, he looks like you could pick him out of a frame & drop him directly into a 1940s black & white flick. “Philadelphia Story”, for example. Cumby should play James Stewart’s part.
And I’m waiting for him to do something like “His Girl Friday”, because I see a sharp, clever comedy in his future.
Ooops. I just realized I’m referring to Cumby when I came here to remark on Clive Owen. This is ridiculous! Must clear my head. Yes, Clive Owen is still hot & he has a lovely sexy voice.
I hear a trumpet fanfare!
hahahahahhahahahahha
it’s been real.
word.
i would , as long as he promises to talk dirty as he did in “closer” with me;all tied up
Oh yes I would definitely enroll in professor cardigan’s class mmmm
Awesome post kaiser haha
Daaaw don’t let Kaiser be mean to you. While my biscuit belongs to McAvoy and Fassbender too, i’ll always will have room for you. No seriously, we should try, I’m not taking yoga classes for nothing. Also Fassy’s skinny and McAvoy tiny so we all would fit on my bed.
Best Dear John letter ever lmao
I would hit it like there were no tomorrow. And yes, he does look like a college professor who knows how to give a good spanking. Imagine that and some dirty talk. Really dirty. The kind that would make you blush the next day and also get your panties pretty moist. I will stop now. MOIST
😀
Your break up letter is hilarious! Clive doesn’t do it for me anymore, I used to be into gentlemanly Brits (Colin Firth, Hugh Grant..) when I was younger, but I’m more into dirty sex beasts like Fassy now lol.
The past few years have not been kind to Clive (who I used to droll for-new man now). I think it was a curse from playing Heminngway.
My new man is Alexander Siddig, who played the lover in “Cairo Time”…mmmmmmm..
Poor Clive-His hair is thinning and the rest has that telltale Rogaine look….
Alexander Siddig is Hooootttt. I got a crush on him when I saw him in Syriana & Cairo Time.
I’m embarrassed to say so since he’s old enough to be my father, but yes, I would definitely hit it, especially dressed like that and with those glasses.
I’ll never understand how this guy fell so off of the radar. I thought he was such a talented actor. He must have said the wrong thing to some bigwig in H’wood to have disappeared so intently.
“You look like a college professor who knows how to give a good spanking.”– OMG sign me up for that class!
Awesome post K. I really did miss those from the desk of Clive Owens posts. And I like how you chose those pics to dovetail nicely with your letter.
In conclusion, more Clive please. 🙂
Hmm. Looking fine, looking fine. I might have to take him back myself.
hysterical post.
hahahahahahahhahaahha
I thought that with him it was a combination of both intentionally not being in the public eye AND his movies not catching fire at the box office. Didnt he decline to even be considered for Bond, at a time that he would have been first choice?
I still love Clive. Not as much as Fassy or Askars these days, but he’s still in my top 10. These pics however, are not doing much for my love for him though :(.
Oh, you’re so fickle! I guess Cumberbatch and Fassbender shouldn’t unpack their bags at your house either… Maybe you’ll let them have a drawer.
Between those two and Hiddleston, I’m thinking that Owen’s flaw in your eyes is that there are too few syllables in his name…
I still love Owen’s smart man’s man look, and I hope he takes over when Daniel Craig hangs up the Bond togs.
Oh my god. The movie’s set at a “Croyden Prep, a new england prep school” and it’s actually being filmed at my school! I have friends who are working in the movie as extras and all I’ve heard are wonder wonderful things about Juliette Binoche and how nice she is and um… not so great things about Clive. Apparently he’s just not the friendliest guy.