Yesterday, I saw the headline “Michael Bay attacked in Hong Kong” and there was a tiny little voice in my head that said “hahahaha.” It’s not necessarily that I wish Michael Bay physical harm or anything, it’s just that Bay is a d-bag and a terrible director and an even worse human being. But what has happened since the initial reports of Bay’s attack… well, it’s kind of funny/weird/strange. The story keeps changing!

The first version of the story is that two dudes were trying to shake down Bay for something like $13,000 as he filmed in the streets of Hong Kong (he’s currently filming Transformers 4). The first version had the dudes trying to grab him when he wouldn’t spread the money around. But that version was quickly pushed aside. Paramount released a statement about the incident:

Michael Bay’s movie sets are widely known for their big, explosive action sequences but on Thursday, the filmmaker became the action in a bizarre incident on the set of his latest movie, “Transformers: Age of Extinction.”

According to a Paramount spokesman, a man (“allegedly under the influence of narcotics)”, stormed on set and swung an air conditioner unit at Bay’s head.

Bay, who was not injured, then “ducked and wrested the air conditioner from his attacker, preventing what could have been a serious accident.”

Earlier reports suggested the director had been attacked by two brothers in Quarry Bay, where the Mark Wahlberg-starrer is currently shooting, which Paramount strongly denied.

“Contrary to several erroneous news reports made today, Bay did not get hurt in a fight on set,” the studio said. After the man was subdued by Bay, Paramount stated that police scuffled with the air conditioning wielding suspect as well as two other assailants before arresting the three men.

No cast or crew members were injured in the incident. “Transformers 4,” which has been filming for the past four months, hits theaters June 27, 2014.

[From Variety]

So, a dude came at Michael Bay with an air conditioner. Let that version of events sink in. And even Paramount seemed slightly weirded out by the idea that Bay is some kind of air-conditioning-deflecting ninja. BUT THERE’S MORE. Bay released his own statement about what went down:

Hi, it’s Michael.

Yes, the story is being passed around is not all true! Yes, some drugged up guys were being belligerent asses to my crew for hours in the morning of our first shoot day in Hong Kong. One guy rolled metal carts into some of my actors trying to shake us down for thousands of dollars to not play his loud music or hit us with bricks.

Every vendor where we shot got paid a fair price for our inconvenience, but he wanted four times that amount. I personally told this man and his friends to forget it we were not going to let him extort us. He didn’t like that answer.

So an hour later he came by my crew as we were shooting, carrying a long air conditioner unit. He walked right up to me and tried to smack my face, but I ducked threw the air unit on the floor and pushed him away. That’s when the security jumped on him. But it took seven big guys to subdue him. It was like a Zombie in Brad Pitt’s movie World War Z—he lifted seven guys up and tried to bite them. He actually bit into one of the guards Nike shoe, insane. Thank god it was an Air Max, the bubble popped, but the toe was saved.

Then it took fifteen Hong Kong cops in riot gear to deal with these punks. In all, four guys were arrested for assaulting the officers.

After that, we had a great day shooting here in Hong Kong. The place couldn’t be better.

[Via Bay’s blog]

Jesus, this is like viral marketing for ALL of Michael Bay’s films. “But it took seven big guys to subdue him. It was like a Zombie in Brad Pitt’s movie World War Z—he lifted seven guys up and tried to bite them.” Make that movie, Michael. “So, like, there are zombies, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is running in a bra. Then the zombie hops into a Lambo and starts driving through the streets of Hong Kong, like, really fast. And all the while, you just see the air conditioning unit falling in slow motion. The zombie in the Lambo – maybe we’ll cast Shia? – he keeps hitting other zombies and it’s like CRASH CUT Rosie’s boobs and crash cut zombie in the Lambo and then the air conditioner falls through the windshield and mage-explosion, right, but then all these zombies start biting Mark Wahlberg, because he’s in the car too and then Rosie takes off her bra.” Done. I just wrote Michael Bay’s new script treatment.

Photos courtesy of WENN.