I think the time has come for the first Cracken Mad Libs of the year. Unfortunately, Lindsay Lohan has been keeping suspiciously quiet over the holidays – she was in Singapore yesterday, looking especially cracked out (go here to see the photos, we have them and I’ll cover them in another post later). I have no idea what she was doing there or who she was doing or how much she got paid. It’s crack mystery. But my point is that there were no 3 am arrests or crack thievery over the holidays. That we know of.
Remember back in December, Lindsay got all high and drunk and called up Harvey Levin and told him that she’d been offered a six-figure deal to write a tell-all memoir? Good times. Well, I have no idea what’s happening with that, but Mother Crackhead just announced to Radar that she (Dina!) finished HER memoir. Oh, good.
Despite reports claiming that oft-troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan is penning a tell-all book, her mother Dina has come forward to RadarOnline.com to declare that the rumors are TOTALLY false.
“To clean up a rumor, Lindsay is not writing a book at this time,” Dina said in an exclusive interview.
But, the Lohan matriarch confirmed the she is indeed about to spill family secrets in her own tell-all tome.
“My book is finished!” Dina said.
So how does her 27-year-old daughter Lindsay feel about her mother dishing about the famed and notorious family?
“She is supportive of my book as well as my other three children,” Dina said.
Dina also shared a picture with Radar of her with her four children from when they celebrated Aliana and Michael, Jr.’s birthdays at a recent dinner.
“Happy New Year,” Dina said along with the photo.
I can smell the gin from here. Right? What kind of half-assed, three-sheets-to-the-crack-wind “exclusive” is this? In my mind, Dina slurred out something like “Lin-ze donwanna rite! ME!” And Radar just made up some quotes to go along with that “exclusive”.
So, here are your Crack Mad Libs! We’ll call this “The Mother Crackhead Edition”. Fill-in-the-blank for Dina’s gin-soaked interview:
Dina hiccupped into the reporter’s microphone. “Is this thing a _____?” she demanded. “I need to say something. On the record,” Dina muttered, sipping ____ from a ____. “Lindsay is in ___. She fully supports ___ and ____.” Dina chugged the rest of her ____. “And another thing, I wrote a ____. It’s called ____. It’s gonna be a big success! Did you know I used to be a ___? [hic]”
Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet, Dina’s Twitter.
barf
“Is this thing a paid up front deal?” she demanded. “I need to say something. On the record,” Dina muttered, sipping a drain-o and tonic from a big gulp. “Lindsay is in the lab cooking meth. She fully supports meth and meth accessories.” Dina chugged the rest of her . “And another thing, I wrote a graphic novel. It’s called Move Those Pants, I’m Lindsay Lohan’s Mom. It’s gonna be a big success! Did you know I used to be a man? [hic]”
Congrats. You have just won the internet!! Everyone else can go home now. LOL
Dina hiccupped into the reporter’s microphone. “Is this thing a megaphone?” she demanded. “I need to say something. On the record,” Dina muttered, sipping children’s tears from a mason jar. “Lindsay is in Disney World. She fully supports drug and alcohol abuse and her right to get off scott-free.” Dina chugged the rest of her children’s tears. “And another thing, I wrote a story. It’s called Lindsay’s Mom, Dina: PAY ATTENTION TO ME. It’s gonna be a big success! Did you know I used to be a rodeo clown? [hic]”
I can’t think of one reason to this pathetic woman’s book.
Not that I’d *EVER* buy it, or waste *too much* of my precious life reading it, but come on, the *cracktastrophe* is going to be f!cking *EPIC*.
Maybe we can start a petition to convince Patrick Stewart to read the ‘audio book’ version. xD
one reason to READ this pathetic woman’s book…..sorry for the typo
YAY, these are fun! Let’s do this:
Dina hiccupped into the reporter’s microphone. “Is this thing a pen!s?” she demanded. “I need to say something. On the record,” Dina muttered, sipping aristocrat vodka from a red solo cup. “Lindsay is in a really good place right now. She fully supports me and the family.” Dina chugged the rest of her vodka “And another thing, I wrote a book. It’s called Memoir of a Mother Crack Head. It’s gonna be a big success! Did you know I used to be a model?
LOL! You guys crack me up! Dina, otoh, barf! So trashy and pathetic. The woman would do anything for money. Can’t you just see her on a street corner when the money runs out?
Sad thing is, she’ll put her kids on that corner, before she goes herself–boys and girls.
Ah, the old Lohan bait-and-switch. I feel like these two do that more often than we’d like to ponder.
How can she write a tell-all when their lives are lived in the tabloids? Nothing is private with the Lohan crew.
Dina hiccupped into the reporter’s microphone. “Is this thing a robot?” she demanded. “I need to say something. On the record,” Dina muttered, sipping anti-freeze from a pylon. “Lindsay is in that back alley over there. She fully supports her left boob and my drug habit.” Dina chugged the rest of her anti-freeze. “And another thing, I wrote a script for a sex tape. It’s called ‘Dina does Hollywood’. It’s gonna be a big success! Did you know I used to be a male gymnast? [hic]”
antifreeze. (Sigh). If only. Well done!
Left boob!! Sex tape!! Faaaaabulousssss!!!
“She is supportive of my book as well as my other three children,” Dina said.
I know this is just Dina Dialect, but gotta ask anyway: So Lindsay is still supporting them all?
Dina hiccuped into the reporter’s microphone. “Is this thing a cop?” she demanded. “I need to say something. On the record,” Dina muttered, sipping blood plasma from a cracked “World’s Greatest Mom” mug. “Lindsay is in this mug. She fully supports long rails — I mean, strong nails, and improved immune function.” She chugged the rest of her daughter’s remains. “And another thing. I wrote a letter to Terry Richardson. It’s called begging. It’s gonna be a huge success! Did you know that I used to be a minor?” (hic)
Brilliant!
I can smell the gin from here…
Me too…
Dina hiccupped into the reporter’s microphone. “Is this thing a Louboutin?” she demanded. “I need to say something. On the record,” Dina muttered, sipping Chanel from a hockey mask. “Lindsay is in Tehran. She is supportive of all my Persian business associates.” Dina chugged the rest of her pride. “And another thing, I wrote a parenting manual. It’s called “Sell ‘em early and hard.” It’s gonna be a big success! Did you know I used to be a Zoroastrian Sun God? [hic]”