At least one person (?) has been repeatedly commenting and tweeting me about this story. And I’m not really sure why. The story is super-complicated and it’s about Simon Cowell and his sexuality, which… most people don’t want to think about that much. So, here you go Person Who Repeatedly Commented “I Can’t Believe You Aren’t Covering The Simon Cowell-Gay Story.” Without going too deep, there’s some kind of celebrity-tinged trial involving Tulisa Contostavlos, who is on The X Factor with Simon. Someone at the trial said (in open court) that Simon is gay and there are men who will verify that they’ve slept with Simon. Scandal! Or not so much. Simon’s people released a statement about it:

Simon Cowell has released a statement reminding everyone that he’s straight after it was suggested that he was gay in a recording played in a UK courtroom last week. In the taped conversation, fellow X-Factor judge Tulisa Contostavlos’s personal assistant, Gareth Varey, tells a man identified as Mazher Mahmood that [Simon], 54, is gay, explaining that he knew because, “I know people who have,” reports E! News.

“Simon was referred to during the trial without forewarning, resulting in widespread media coverage of untrue claims regarding his private life,” a statement from the television producer’s lawyers said. “In 2014 the question of whether someone is or is not gay is antiquated. (As it happens he isn’t, though if he were, he would simply have said so).”

The statement went on to say that Cowell addressed the suggestion only because he takes his reputation as someone who is brutally honest very seriously.

“However, the issue was the false suggestion made by Mr. Varey that Simon—who is renowned for his honesty and candidness—had thus not been truthful in the public arena and this is what we have been obliged to clarify,” the statement added.

On Wednesday, Varey released a statement apologizing for the insinuation.

“At some point and utterly out of the blue Mahmood asked me if Simon Cowell was gay. I said he was,” he said in the statement. “This is not true. I do not know why I said it, but assume it is because I was so drunk and felt that I was giving Mahmood the type of information he was seeking. I am very sorry for this.”

Once known as a notorious bachelor, Cowell has finally settled down with Lauren Silverman, who gave birth to the television personality’s first child, Eric, in February. The couple recently purchased a $10 million luxury apartment on the Upper East Side.

[From Page Six]

So, that’s the story. Here’s what I think: Simon is telling the truth. If he was gay, he would be gay. He would sleep with men. He would have a harem of men, openly and honestly. But he’s straight. He has a harem of women, ex-girlfriends and ex-fiancées mostly. He’s so straight, he had a torrid affair with a friend’s wife and got her pregnant, then paid off the husband to clean up his mess. That’s pretty hetero, you know? Anyway, I think Simon’s statement was pretty much as good as it gets. Simon doesn’t have an issue with homosexuality or gay people. He’s just a heterosexual man. (Plus, I seriously doubt the gay men want him. He’s a mess.)

Photos courtesy of WENN.