The Mirror has the most hysterical story about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes planning a camping trip with Suri. It’s fall-off-your-chair funny for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is the line about how Katie, “can’t wait to dive into a tent with her husband.” For some reason every time I read that line (and I’ve been laughing over it for five minutes now), I imagine Katie literally diving into the tent, but sort of the way you might dive onto a Slip ‘n Slide. Because they’ve got to mean that literally – there’s no way Katie wants to dive into a tent with Tom sexually. They also claim her enthusiasm has a lot to do with his campfire pasta skills. Tom likes to keep it real.

Hollywood superstar Tom Cruise is all set to camp it up across America. We can reveal that he will be turning his back on luxury hotels and five-star resorts to take wife Katie and daughter Suri on a no-frills trip in the US. And Katie, 30, can’t wait to dive into a tent with her husband – who can cook up a spaghetti storm under the stars.

She said: “We love going camping. Once when we were camping Tom made his pasta carbonara for me. He knows exactly how to do it. A pinch of this, a pinch of that. He has a recipe, but he also kind of improvises by himself. You have to do the egg at a certain time.” He was inspired by the great Brazilian outdoors while he was working down in South America earlier this year but, unsurprisingly, they won’t be travelling completely alone.

An insider told us: “They’ll be accompanied by a friend from the church of Scientology, as Tom never likes to be too far away from his religion. They will also have security camped down the road to keep any unwelcome people at bay.”

Well, the smell of Tom’s carbonara will have people – and wildlife – flocking from miles around… “They are certainly likely to cause a bit of a frenzy,” agreed our source. “But the whole point of them moving away from luxury holidays is to do things as a normal family.’ Suri will be three next month and Tom and Katie want her to experience as much normality as possible.

Our source added: “This is what Tom wants for Suri. He doesn’t want her to miss out on the things he and Katie enjoyed as kids, just because she is growing up in the spotlight.”

[From the Mirror]

My family went camping every couple of years growing up, and while we were never roughing it – there was always a water spigot and a few electrical outlets attached to a pole – pasta carbonara never made an appearance on our campfire menu. Maybe this is some “normal family” camping basic I don’t know about. But I’m pretty sure eggs are entirely out for most of us that go camping without a refrigerator.

And unlike Tom and Katie, I never bring my security team with me when I rough it in the wilderness. I like to give them some time off. They’re always all, “JayBird, OMG, will you be okay?” and they do this ridiculous, utterly embarrassing jay bird call they learned from some PBS Nature program, all panicked about what might happen if I’m left alone. And I have to calm them down and be all, “Guys, you must chill, you do a good job guarding me from the paparazzi and potential assassins and Scientologists (sometimes one and the same), but you need a vacation too.” So they back off. They’re devoted sons of bitches, I’ll give them that. This is probably what Tom and Katie feel like. I empathize.

Here’s Tom, Katie, and Suri spending a day at the beach in Rio De Janerio on February 2nd. Images thanks to WENN.com.