Have you been on Goop.com recently? I do have to give Gwyneth Paltrow and Team Goop some credit, the site is a lot prettier, user-friendly and faster nowadays. Gwyneth hired several proper lifestyle professionals to run Goop, which is why the site seems so much fancier these days. But what that also means is that we’re sometimes missing the personal touch. It used to be that Gwyneth wrote some of the content of her newsletters, or that you could really feel her hand guiding Goop towards her (elite) interests. But these days, we rarely get personal introductions signed by Gwyneth.
What does that have to do with anything? Well, some people are trying to make a new Goop post – “10 Ways to Have a Pain-Free Pregnancy” – into some kind of “Oh, Gwyneth” eye-roll. But here’s the thing: I kind of doubt she wrote it. She might have approved it, but I seriously doubt she wrote it. Anyway, would you like to know Gwyneth’s tips to have a pain-free pregnancy? #1: Be rich. #2: No, seriously, be rich and don’t have a real job where it would be frowned upon if you doused yourself head-to-toe in almond oil and got on all fours (or maybe your boss is into that). Goop’s Guide To Elite Pregnancy (you can read the full piece here). Here are my comments on Goop’s advice.
Don’t massage your lower back. Because of nerve endings or whatever. Just pay someone to massage your butt muscles. And sleep on your side.
Douse yourself in almond oil. Put lots on your stomach, thighs and boobs.
Get reflexology on your feet. Do not get foot massages, get reflexology. But never let anyone near your ankles.
Spend a lot of time on all fours, because it relieves the pressure.
Spend a lot of time in water, be it a bathtub, pool or ocean.
Try to only gain 2.2 pounds a month, you fat peasant.
Eat a lot of bananas, “steel cut oats, brown rice or grapefruit” because you’re probably constipated. Drink warm water with lemon. And lots of ginger tea.
Do NOT eat cow’s milk diary, fatty meats, pork, roasted peanuts and peanut butter. Also avoid fruit juices like orange juice and tomato juice, all wheat, sugar and sweeteners.
Don’t get stressed out. Meditate and take a lot of naps.
Have a birth plan but give yourself a break if you want an epidural or whatever.
I’m sure most of this is good advice for pregnant ladies, but I rolled my eyes at the diet restrictions. I know she means well, but she can’t help but create a long list of food that you’re never supposed to eat. And of course, after telling you all of the food you’re supposed to never touch and basically calling you a fat peasant if you dare to gain three pounds a month, she then gently reminds you not to get stressed out. Here’s a perfect solution to avoid a stressed-out pregnancy: have fun, get as much sleep as possible and eat what your body is telling you to eat. If you want a donut, don’t feel bad. If you want a steak, go ahead. You’re growing a human, which means if you want a steak with a donut chaser, that’s what you should have.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
I can’t stand this women 🐻
x infinity, she has annoyed me since the 90’s.
I echo that sentiment. Who buys this crap?
Could you imagine a woman saying “Well, Gwyneth said I should only be eating sunflower seeds for my third trimester so I don’t gain weight.”
I’d slap this person!
It’s a mystery why she keeps missing the fact that she is stunningly irrelevant to the world, other women, the film industry . . . in my next life I plan to cultivate her level of denial. Clearly, the reality challenged are living better lives.
I would ask the doctor, not Gyeneth Goop
Yeah, I’m thinking an uneducated actress with food issues is not the best one to listen to for this.
If she wants to have a feature on pregnancy health, great – get some actual doctors and pregnancy experts to weigh in and offer tips.
Thank you. I don’t see her waving her degree in nutrition with a side of maternal nutrition at anyone do you? Woman needs to STFU and sit down in at least one chair.
Oh nevermind. I thought they were her comments. And then I read fat peasants.
That was paraphrased.
I would become Goop’s biggest fan if she actually had said “fat peasants”.
TATERHO, where have you been!!!??!!
@Kiddo
Writing copy for Goop.com
You’re doing a great job!
Bwahahaha… well I will give her this, it’s more specific than any advice that I have received from my doctor and I’m 7 months pregnant! I hate to be a B… but I might actually listen to her if she had given birth even 18-24 months ago. But her kids are not even toddlers! And time white washes ones memories of being pregnant.
“Steak with a donut chaser” lol
She always says that her pregnancies were very rough and that’s why she stopped after two kids. So I’m thinking all of her little remedies weren’t really that effective.
Milk and peanut butter was most of my diet while I was pregnant. Oddly ,whilst pregnant, the sight or smell of potatoes made me sick.
I was just the opposite. Some days all I could eat was hash browns for bfast, mashed potatoes for lunch, and a plain baked potato for dinner. It was all I could do to drink water some days and I ended up on medication for morning sickness so my doc was like “eat whatever you can eat.”
I ate whatever the hell I felt like eating and could keep down. I had weird cravings and yet couldn’t tolerate many foods. It was often an unbalanced diet, I imagine. My kids are 23 and 15 and tall and healthy.
I despise pregnancy advice that makes a woman’s life even more stressful.
All of this advice didn’t stop her from suffering from severe postpartum depression after having Moses. She’s still human – no matter how she tries to convince us otherwise.
Yeah, I don’t think there is any link between trying to have a pain free pregnancy and your odds of experiencing post partum depression.
Women can have easy pregnancies and experience post partum depression or have horrible pregnancies and not experience post partum depression.
Yes, absolutely.
I completely agree with you – and I’m aware of that (my 1st pregnancy was very easy and I had terrible PPD after her birth). I just wish she’d sometimes come down to a human level. Not gonna happen, I guess.
You just want to tell her to calm the hell down, don’t you? Gynneth, the answer to just about everything is to just relax and use common sense. We don’t need a list of stupid and rigid rules to everything…it just smells insecure and nervous. Go ahead, have a peanut butter sammich.
Yes exactly. I think the best advice is to eat what your body is telling you to eat (or not eat). I also kept up my exercise routine for as long as I could because it’s always been a major stress reliever for me. But whatever works for me might not work for you and vice versa, that’s a rule that’s also probably good to keep in mind.
@Tracy: Ha!…AGREED!.
I don’t have kids, but isn’t it a little naive to suggest not gaining more than 2.2 lbs per month? I thought the growth was lowest at the beginning of your pregnancy and highest at the end. Am I wrong?
You usually gain a little slower in the first trimester then pick up in the second as the heavy development is going on. By the third trimester you usually gain a pound a week or so.
You’re not wrong. Generally speaking the most weight is gained during the final weeks. Every woman’s pregnancy is different though, including each pregnancy for the same woman. I have nothing against general guidelines, but trying to impose the same strict “rules” for everyone just seems absurd to me. As universal as pregnancy is its still a unique and personal experience.
I hate to admit she’s right about anything, but gradual gaining from the onset of pregnancy is best if you can do it. It helps the skin and muscles stretch gradually and consistently. Much better than women I’ve seen who tried purposely not to gain weight at first, so all they did was gain too much too fast in the last trimester(s) and that caused way worse stretch marks than if they’d gained slow and gradual.
Almond oil – pfffft! That cheap Queen Helene Coco Butter works as good as anything. And, yes, I did slather it every day, numerous times a day and I have no stretch marks. But how your skin stretches is just as much genetic as it is environmental.
Unless I’m missing something, Gwyneth isn’t the one dispensing advice – isn’t it her osteopath who is making all the recommendations? Gwyneth herself didn’t have a textbook experience and had an emergency c-section with her first and a planned/elective with the second.
At best this is advice that could only be taken for a first time Mama. You can not take naps on a whim, lube up in almond oil anytime, etc. if you have children already. Some practical advice would be nice!
Exactly, a first time momma who’s doesn’t work either. Man would I love to take a nap anytime I wanted or lather up at all hours, pft.
Pregnant women can’t take hot baths. I’d love to take a cold bath when my pregnant skin is already sensitive and it’s hard to get in and out of the tub, said no one ever. Slathering almond oil on her breasts during pregnancy did a whole lot of nothiing because it still turned into her buttering pancakes post pregnancy. Does she not remember sharing with the world that she got a boob lift after Moses was born?
Enough with the Annoying Orange. It’s Monday. I can’t hack her this early.
Steel-cut oats ? What ?!
All types of oat cereals start out as groats, which are hulled, toasted oat grains. (Removing the hull doesn’t remove the bran.) Steel cut oats are the healthiest, least processed type of oat cereal, the toasted oat groats are chopped into chunks about the size of a sesame seed. Much more flavour too. I’m not defending Goop by the way, I think she’s insufferable.
The funny part is, Gwyneth talked about giving up her macrobiotic diet during pregnancy because she kept craving grilled cheese sandwiches made with white bread. This stuff isn’t bad advice, but it sounds like it was written by the world’s most judgemental midwife.
Bahaha, yet the last one is let of perfect. That is rich.
“a steak with a donut chaser” bahahahaha – my new favorite thing on the internet today; not even sure why I find it hilarious, but the wording just tickles my funnybone.
Now, where IS the nearest Tim Horton’s?
Guess she would sneer at the Pop-Tart topped w/ice cream I had for dessert last night, huh? Newsflash: baby wants protein and fat. I eat fruit ALL DAY but it doesn’t have quite the same effect.
The Goop site should have a disclaimer that it is for entertainment purposes only and not really meant to give actual advice
#10 makes me laugh, because it’s coming from her.
I refuse to click on Goop’s site. (#BoycottGOOP) I don’t want to feed the beast. However, I think it’s hilarious that she’s not writing her personal intros anymore. Clearly a meeting occurred and she was told to stop writing. They recognize she offends women all over the world. LOL I’m convinced she and her “team” read this blog.
“Do not eat cow’s milk dairy”
While pregnant, really? I can’t imagine the response on that one from any of the OB/GYN docs or midwives I’ve worked for. Vegans have their diets carefully planned while pregnant, but this advise is for the general population. Hoping no one is using “I read it on GOOP” as an excuse to not eat properly for their developing baby.
And when did her face start looking so much like her partner/trainer Tracy whoever?
As a 31 week pregnant 38y.o. lady with her third child, all I can say is shove it up your steam hole Goop.
2.2 lbs/month? That’s less than 20 pounds total for a pregnancy. I think doctors recommend 25-35lbs when I was pregnant.
I also doubt this was written by Gwyneth. It reads to me like it was written by a pill freak who had just been fired but told to “finish that last article and get it up online before you leave.” It’s just too perfect as self-parody.
“It’s really difficult to resist relaxing your vigilance over food when you’re pregnant …”
That’s the most telling line in the whole article. No one should have “vigilance over food”, that’s bordering on eating disorder thinking.