Do you think Gwyneth Paltrow is a good mother? I think she probably is. What little we see of Apple and Moses, they seem like well-adjusted, normal kids. Gwyneth took a lot of time off from her career to spend time with them when they were babies, and even now, their schedules seem to be her #1 focus in how and where she works. My only concern is that I think Gwyneth pushes a lot of her food issues onto her kids, but it also seems like Chris Martin does a good job at balancing that stuff out and “letting the kids be kids.”
I bring this up because this week’s Goop-letter is all about “narcissistic parenting.” It’s a long piece and it’s worth a read – go here for the full piece. Gwyneth didn’t write it or anything – it was written by Dr. Robin Berman, a professor of psychiatry at UCLA. There’s a lot of talk about “healthy narcissism” versus “malignant narcissism” and how parents are too self-absorbed these days and they ruin their kids’ childhoods. An excerpt:
Narcissism doesn’t have to be absolute. It can show up in little ways and often under the guise of doing “what’s best” for your children or giving them opportunities you were deprived of when you were little. For example, it’s understandable that you’d want to enroll your kids in soccer because you didn’t get the chance to play, but you also have to notice if they even like soccer. You might bring home clothes in monochromatic colors because that’s your style, but you have to notice what colors your child gravitates to. While you want your child to attend your alma mater because it worked for you, think about whether you’ve asked if it will work for him. To get narcissism out of the picture, make sure your motivation stacks up with what your kid wants.
Narcissists have a way of making everything about them—they take up all of the air in the room. Their profound need for attention and praise subverts everyone else’s needs. Unchecked, a parent’s narcissism eclipses a child’s feelings. Narcissistic parents take their children’s every feeling or action personally. These parents are easily angered when a child does not agree with them or mirror them. Parents with narcissistic tendencies are so sensitive to praise and admiration as fuel that it makes them overly sensitive to criticism. So children learn to tiptoe around these emotional minefields, trying not to trigger that anger, or worse, have their parents withdraw love.
I predict that some will snicker and say that Gwyneth is not only a narcissist, but she’s so self-absorbed, she’s oblivious to the fact that this post is about her. But is it really? Don’t get me wrong, I think Gwyneth is a self-absorbed narcissist too. But I’m just not convinced that she’s a bad mother. I think she’s the kind of mother who is all about the special-snowflake parenting. Which is a whole other psychological analysis.
You know who fits the textbook definition of “narcissistic parenting” though? Kimye.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
I understand wanting nothing but the best for your children. It’s in your nature as a parent. But your children are NOT YOU. They’re not little vessels of wish-fulfillment, flickers of a life where you turned left and should’ve turned right and now BY GOD YOUR PRECIOUS BROOK-LYNN IS GOING TO TURN RIGHT NO MATTER WHAT.
My facebook feed has been a lesson in what type of parent I DON’T want to be when that time comes. It’s like every kid is gifted, has a photoshoot for every small life achievement, (“Ryot pooped in the toilet for the first time today! /17 pictures” and yes that actually was a thing), is practically a star of their own little reality show online unbeknownst to them. How about just letting kids be kids.
Monica this is exactly what I thought about when I read this! Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to see supportive parenting. But “taking Jack to his fifth season of soccer when he may get some actual playing time today!” is nuts. Let me tell you, I played EVERY sport for at least a season when I was a kid. My parents always let me join, and as long as I finished the season and honored that commitment to my team (even if I sucked) they let me quit. My dad even told me the other day that when I played softball, the only compliment he ever got about me was “she can’t throw, she can’t catch, and she can’t hit, but she looks stylish!” Yeah, I’m not an athletic person. My dad never told me I was SO AMAZING at something when I wasn’t. I don’t remember getting praised in sports, but I do remember all the encouragement he gave me for my writing in and out of school. I did short stories, entered contests, the whole shebang. And I’m a journalist now! I think he led me to be self-aware of my own talents and strengths, and that has totally benefitted me as an adult.
My grandma did the same thing! She made me finish out dance class and cheerleading because “it’d teach me responsibility”. All I wanted to do was play football and she finally let me even though she was worried about my health (little did she realize I was meaner than some of the boys on my team). But I never left things undone and when I showed interest in sciences, she’d buy me telescopes and astronomy books. It’s all about seeing what your kid is good at and encouraging them to be better at it.
(Note: Your dad sounds awesome. I laughed out loud in the lab.)
Thank you Monica,I totally agree. I’d also like to add the parent that overly schedule their child. My bestfriend whom I love is guilty of this. She has her son involved in every activity you can think of. Sports, gymnastics, boy scouts. Their week is jam packed, but the thing is; her son hates it. He just wants to be home. Why do this to your child and yourself? If your children express an interest in something that’s great. Why put something on to your child that makes them stressed out because they hate it, and stresses you out because your always driving around getting them to their activities? It’s madness!
“It’s like every kid is gifted, has a photoshoot for every small life achievement, (“Ryot pooped in the toilet for the first time today! /17 pictures” and yes that actually was a thing), is practically a star of their own little reality show online unbeknownst to them.”
THIS is the type of parenting that bugs me the most. It was like when Sarah Palin’s son stood on the dog and her first thought wasn’t to help him down before he fell or was thrown but to take a photo and post about it! I feel like some parents are really compromising their kids’ privacy and dignity. I know a couple of moms of kids with special needs and they post constantly about the joys and challenges of their kids — and it’s starting to make me really uncomfortable because it really is more about them than their kids, who may have ZERO desire to be featured online like that. I get that someone might want support or validation from the FB masses when things are great or rough but people are going way too far.
And think about when they’re in High School or college and there’s 464 pictures of them on the internet of their “epic diaper blow out”. It’d just be embarrassing. The internet is forever.
It’s like some parents are competing in a war of “I’m the best mommy ever!”. Do you use formula or breast feed? Did you have a natural birth or use painkillers? Cloth diapers or disposable? Baby names, activities–it’s like they’re trying to one up each other and using their kids as their unwilling and unbeknownst pawns. It makes me feel icky.
I teach special needs children at a public high school. By then, most kids don’t want anyone to know they have a disability. Those FB pages lauding their child’s disability are going to come back to bite those parents in the backsides. The kids I teach are very sensitive aout anyone knowing about their disability.
I just canNOT with the parents who publish every little miniscule life moment of their children on Facebook. First of all, the only people who truly care are the parent themselves and probably the grandparents if they are also on Facebook. It’s mindboggling to me how people actually think other people care about every single little thing their children does (I sound like a meany, but for F’s sake, it’s overload on Facebook!). And secondly, due to social media, my generation has given away their children’s privacy. Their kids are going to grow up and realize that their entire life was documented online without their permission. Not cool imo.
yes, yes, yes and yes to everything said above.
I use to post a picture or so a week on FB when my son was really little – and brag about his “accomplishments” here and there. I didn’t do it to get praise or likes or comments – mostly to share with family and a few friends who lives far away. I was mindful of over sharing but especially in the beginning, I was bursting with pride and joy and, even as someone who rarely posts on social media, it was really gratifying to get tons of comments and likes. However, I stopped after about a year and now only share once in a while on a private page just for family and best friends, because it became too freaky and scary. I live in a small town/community and started to run into people I didn’t know who knew my son from FB. They knew his interests and favorite songs, etc. because a “friend” would share my pictures and posts of him – I know everyone thinks this about their kid, but my son really is beautiful and special 🙂 – and it would circulate with friends of a friend of a friend. Strangers would come up and talk to him and because they’d mention personal things to him, he would talk to them and when they asked for hugs or high fives or handshakes, he would just go along with it. This was not flattering and I was scared sh*tless that I was compromising his safety and privacy. Now, most people are completely harmless, but it was a huge wake-up call for me and my husband. Everyone in our family knows not to post his pictures online – and when they do, they ask for permission beforehand.
Omg HERE HERE!! I am beginning to loathe some of my friends/family on FB for this exact issue. I’ll even notice when one puts up their child’s accomplishment another almost can’t help themselves to compete and immediately posts one of theirs. The need for validation is just gross. I almost think Goop is throwing shade at maybe some parents she deals with at her children’s school? That would be fitting for her.
My goodness I just thought of this . The janitor at my school said hi to my daughter and her name and she was maybe turning five at the time when he left the room she said how did he know my name? It was so freaky I had never even talked to him other than to say hello. I don’t even hardly anything on Facebook either but my sister does.
So. Someone must have told Gwyneth she was a narcissistic parent, eh?
It feels like parents can’t win sometimes, in the media. There’s a bunch of articles about how parents are too sacrificial for their children and turning them into insane selfish monsters. OR there’s these articles about how self-absorbed parents are not sacrificing anything and ruining everything!
I didn’t get that impression from the piece at all – it’s a psychologist talking about a common experience among many of her patients.
I’ve read her book in the past (Permission to Parent) and the article this morning. I was pointing out that, and maybe it’s just me, but you don’t really read a lot of positive articles about parents. They’re screwing it up in some way, it seems, according to everyone.
Yeah, that’s true.
Parent bashing has been around since the beginning of time itself.
Parenting is HAARRRRDDD!!!!
Do your best with what you have and what you know.
Don’t worry about the haters!!
*coming out to give you a margarita*
I’m actually happy that she got someone to write about this; it is an issue that affects many people. Hopefully it’ll help at least one person who reads it. Though unfortunately I highly doubt that the narcissistic parents will see themselves if/when they read that piece.
You nailed it: the very parents who need the wake up call won’t get it from this article.
Right. I can just envision some narcissistic parent reading this and thinking that it describes an acquaintance perfectly; meanwhile, a humble parent is worrying that it describes her.
Exactly! This is no joke. My father in law is the definition of a narcissistic parent. He has 5 children and my husband is the only one that has actually stood up to him or disagreed with him and it always turns into a huge fight and we end up not speaking with his parents for a while.
We are actually in the middle of one right now that happened during Christmas! His father said something completely ignorant and offensive (which happens pretty much every time we see them) in front of the entire family including the grandkids and laughed about it so the grandkids think this is an acceptable thing to say because grandpa thinks it funny. Well my husband waited until the next morning when no one was around to confront him about how it wasn’t ok, because if he would’ve done it in front of everyone at the time all hell would’ve broken loose, because you just don’t ever question him. Anyway, he was of course not receptive at all and didn’t think he did anything wrong and that we are too sensitive (the typical defense of a narcissist that is constantly being offensive).
His argument is always that we need to accept him how he is and that none of the other kids have a problem with him. That’s only because no one else has the balls to stand up to him or call him out, plus two of the kids have grown up to be just like him with their own children, thank God my husband isn’t one. None of my husbands siblings ever back him up because they are too afraid and would rather just be trampled on then rock the boat. This time he has even told me husband that my mother in law is giving him a hard time about the fight so it’s our fault that he’s having marriage problems now because we just won’t bow down.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and have been walking on egg shells with this man the entire time, it’s feels like he’s a ticking time bomb and you never know when he will explode. Not to mention the myriad of awful things he says to his wife in front of people. Ugh, sorry for the long post, it just hits close to home. Having a narcissistic family member just really sucks the life out of you and makes the whole family dynamic dysfunctional. He’s a little man that thinks he does no wrong, he’s the head of the house, everyone needs to praise him, and no one does a damn thing. It’s miserable.
exactly what I see in my FIL too! No one else would stand up to him. I did and we are still at war and my hub won’t stand up to him. Narcissistic people are bullies too.
I have had this experience too, with my fiancé’s father. He has completely destroyed the identities of his wife and three children – along with extended family relationships – due to his manipulation and domination. No one in the family dares even question him, except his daughter who is his carbon copy and will carry the dysfunction into future generations.
Like Mel M, I walked on eggshells for four years, until we were engaged and I thought I had a leg to stand on. The father suddenly took huge unjustified offence to everything I did or said – and put such pressure on my fiancé that he broke it off and left me just weeks before our wedding. He felt he had to “choose” his parents over me, and our relationship, and the future family we had planned together. In fact, he chose to enable his father’s illness over his own needs and chance at happiness.
A year later, I am still heartbroken because it all seems so unnecessary. Why a parent of a 35-year-old man would be so threatened by the idea of his son growing up and FINALLY becoming independent … it is obviously a long-denied mental illness. I have learned a lot and been forced to grow out of my naiveté. Honestly, I did not know that people like this existed outside of soap operas.
Kimye??
How dare you!!!
Every toddler wants to wear leather clothes, and get blow-outs and sit in a fashion studio. All toddlers want to be up at 11-12pm at night shaking hands with trendy folk. All toddlers want to have pictures taken of them every 15 minutes wearing uncomfortable but highly fashionable ‘bulletproof’ vests. All toddlers want to eat whatever kid friendly stuff is being served during a Gucci runway event.
That poor baby that Mila and Ashton have gets to sleep early, and have play time and wear normal clothes and have a normal name. Yuck!!
What do u want to bet that North has her own house and modeling contract by 14? It’s the Kardashian way, and North having an honest to god star as a father is only going to make it worse…
Hah! I remember when I was 8 years old I begged my mom for a pair of thigh high leather boots (to me, they looked superheroish). I thought she was horrible at the time for saying no.
Yes, as I was reading, Kim and Kanye kept flashing in front of my eyes.
God, this is Kimye all the way. All the black they put on North is THEIR style. Im a little guilty myself. I have two girls and I like simple, classic looks and colors…for instance, a store like Justice gives me hives…all those loud crazy bejeweled clothing! YUCK! BUT, that being said, I’m mindful of what they like and don’t force things on them. My 13 year old is “sporty spice” and that’s fine with me while my 5 year is ALL about dresses and skirts.
Reading this gives me the impression of some very elaborate mean-girling. Like GP has seen evidence of narcissistic parenting in one of her friends and took the opportunity to show how superior she is, again.
No proof, but I have a hunch that you’re right.😉
Ooh, you’re probably right.
I give her credit for having someone with actual credentials and experience write it instead of the quacks she usually latches onto, but I could totally see her having ulterior motives for this.
SO MUCH META.
Hahaha yeah omg. “North likes nude color palettes.” As far as I’m concerned, you don’t “like” clothes until you can wipe your own ass. That’s probably the appropriate time to have an opinion.
I totally thought this was gonna be about “you’re amazing at this” when the kid really sucks at something. I was fully prepared to make the “be honest but supportive” argument. My parents never let me think I was awesome at something I sucked at, but always praised my effort and encouraged me to improve. That was a gift, let me tell you. I’m about to graduate college and I can see some of the younger ones who were never told they’re bad at anything, and it’s sad. They’re totally helpless, and beyond sensitive. My dad always told me “you can be anything you want” but NEVER left it at just that… he always added “if you work at it”. Thanks for making me a hardworking, self-aware person Dad!
Yeah, Kimye definitely, and also Tom Cruise. Tom no longer has Suri under his meat hooks so he has nothing to do with her. Actually, Tom may be beyond narcissism, and really more of an abusive parent.
I think one has to be a narcissist first to become a narcissist parent, therefore the psychologist’s theory is right. Some parents are well over their heads and try really hard to portray themselves as the best parents on Social Media (I am mentioning SM because it’s where I’ve seen the most of it). I also like to call it parent ego, but fortunately that is the exception not the norm.
I think she’s talking about her own mother…..
I’ve always thought Goop had mother issues – she praises her father so extravagantly then doesn’t say much about her mom, who is always saying nice things about goop.
….” My only concern is that I think Gwyneth pushes a lot of her food issues onto her kids,”…..
Do you think her kids are starved Kaiser? That they beg on their knees for pasta and don’t get any? Do they eat low carb or low fat or both?I bet they enjoy a lot better food (and amount of it ) than many many other children actually.
I must admit I push my food issues on my kids. I never ever buy Nutella and any soft drinks for my kids. Food issues pushed on children form their taste for life as early as 14 months some researchers say. A LOT of ready Baby Food (for that age) contains already salt, sugar Vanilin ond other stuff babies definitely don’t need. If I get started on the topic I’d out-goop Goop.
As for the days packed with activities- I leave my children choose. I was never pressed into anything myself and and neither are they. We draw the line at 3 activities per week, usually sports. Works so far fine.
There’s a difference between healthy eating and encouraging good habits, and big time food issues like G seems to have. She’s always talking about the latest cleanse, detox, crazy diet, etc. Most of the stuff she promotes isn’t terribly healthy, and she partners with quacks like Tracey Anderson. Someone did a write up of TA’s meal plan, and some of the days food plans were only 700 calories.
That’s true, but was there any evidence she pushes it to her children?
I remember only one comment smth of …”we have sometime the hunger for carbohydrates” .And she’s not the only one. Madonna was mentioned once in that line of thought. Apparently she’s never ever bought sweets , ice, ets. for
her children and Guy Ritchie used to buy it secretly.
I know Goop follows extreme fads but nowadays if you have any Juice regularly you “detox”, if you drink 3l water, tea…you “cleanse”.
I don’t care for Tracey Anderson but as you mentioned the cal. intake in some of her day planes I have to mention a former coleague of mine.
She had her child some 3 or 4 years previously and still had a lot of extra weight. So she started a guided diet. The main line it was: hard boild eggs-2 OR fish filet -up to 150g OR chicken with green salad OR braised vegetables. Twice a day. Her breakfast escapes me now but I clearly remember her daily intake- 800 cal.
I know it’s restrictive but she said she doesn’t go to bed hungry.
I think if you start cooking from scratch and measure your oil the overall calories do not shoot in the sky.
I’ve never tried 800 cal. myself but I know my measured cal. intake- 1500 cal a day. It doesn’t sound that much, isn’t it?
Goop aside, I totally know what they’re getting at. I’ve noticed it in comparing my sister’s parenting style to my own. She has a saying, “Whatever the big princess didn’t get, the little princesses will.” She’s enrolled her kids in dance, and tumbling and does spa days and all that jazz. It’s fine, but she’s got one kid that is more like me…could not possibly care less about her hair and her clothes. She wants to play basketball. Now that she’s 11, my sister is letting up, but it was totally odd for many years.
For me, I have two boys and a girl. I do pick out their clothing and it’s according to my standards of dress, but especially with my daughter, there are dresses AND pants. There is pink and sparkles, but there are also grays, yellows, blue, purple, orange. She’s only one and doesn’t have much of an opinion, but if she grows up to hate pink, no skin off my nose. But I dress her up now because I can.
Normally I cannot stand GP, but I think it’s very important to bring light to this issue. Folks will brush it off or say diminishing things about the effects of having narcissistic parents (and usually the ones who DIDN’T have narcissistic parents are the ones dismissive of the effect it can have on children), but people can go YEARS not knowing why their parent(s) are “like that” (narcissistic) and it can wreak havoc on a person’s self-esteem, well-being and their mental and physical health. Oftentimes people who have had narcissistic parents don’t realize until much later in life that their parents were narcissistic, and if they do know, they don’t know how to get help to work through their trust issues/depression/etc. They keep attracting the same type of harmful people over and over, and its not until they work with a health professional do they start to undo the damage done by the narcissistic parents. There’s a great article that explains the phenomenon of narcissistic parents perfectly, it’s called “Now We Are Six” (not the AA Milne book!). If you’ve had narcissistic parents, friends or family members (or know someone who has), you’ll see those folks in this article.
TL;dr: Normally I find GP hard to deal with, but she is right to call out narcissistic parents.
couldn’t explain it better than you. in addition to having a narcissistic parent, growing up with an emotionally and physically abusive parent can take a toll. corporal punishment stops when you get older but it doesn’t erase or undo all the belittling and hurtful words besides being mistreated. It certainly carries on to your adult relationships. I am aware of how damaging I act on my part, but the anger issues are there. I could’ve been a good mother. I’m too f***up to be one.
Jo, that sounds exactly like my life. Hugs to you.
I couldn’t agree with you more, Kat. This topic has become the theme of my later adult life, when I finally started some serious introspection. The downstream effects from having a parent like this are SO invasive. Two years of therapy was profoundly beneficial to me. I’ve found lots of writing online that describe the harms (it’s indulgently gratifying to read about narcissistic mothers) but the Goop article has some excellent ideas for *healing* from this kind of childhood. Really good stuff.
Takes one to know one.
they must have shadowed my exhausting ass mom for this article…cause…..
If you spot it you got it.
I’m 38. I was 37 when I realized my father is a narcissistic parent. It took him choking me and then not apologizing for it. He acted like he didn’t do anything. This was odd for awhile. Then I looked back and noticed tons of signs of narcissism. He choked me because i was happy “enough” when he got married two days after my late mother’s birthday, which is always rough for my sister and I. He acted like it was rough on him until last year. Her birthday is also typically a week after Mother’s Day. May 22. He’s also an alcoholic, which I used to think was his main problem. She’s only been gone for four years. She was my everything. We were super close. I’m still dealing with her loss. By the way my only sister had to pull him off of me. Also I nearly died at 20 and have to fight for my life and barely survived. The reason he got so mad was his new wife and I were in the back room talking. Then all the sudden she started yelling at me and saying horrible things. I learned later that was brought my father to the back room. She was trying to turn him against me. It worked. It helped that all he had said to me was “what about me?” After the choking. Yeah. I have to grieve the fathee I thought I had. It has messed me up and I’m in therapy. So im glad the article exists. Maybe some daughter can recognize their own parent.
Don’t be afraid to just cut off contact with your father. He won’t get better with age, and he’s a physical risk to you as well as an emotional risk. You don’t owe him anything. Loyalty is earned. Your mother earned it, your father didn’t. If he were a stranger, you would have charged him with assault. So you’ve already done him a big favor by not calling 911. You don’t have to do any more for him. Your safety and the safety of any in your own family come first. He has other people to take care of him, he’s their problem now.
I believe the “monochromatic colors” sentence was specifically put in there as a jab to Kimye.